Does this mean it's over?

[Confused44]

Hi I'll try keep it short. Been wih my partner for 6 years, beautiful 3yo daughter. But our relationship lacks passion and any excitement. We never go out together because he doesn't want to. Long story short I cheated on him. It only happened once but I've thought about doing it again (I know I'm a horrible person) does this mean Our relationship is over? I love him so much he's my first love. But I keep thinking if I cheated I can't be happy? Or I should leave him so he has the opportunity to be happy with someone else? Sorry I'm so confused right now

What would a 22 yo want with a 15yo ? That's a red flag right there.

He was the "only one who understood" and you ended up isolated form your peers. Huge waving red flag.

You moved straight from family to him. You are frightened to live on your own. You are dependent on him. You are taking risks by "cheating" with other men and you are frightened of him (yes, you are).

I think this is a very risky way to live your life.

AF... do you think the fears she's expressing about being alone in a house are actually displaced fears of the partner? Or do you mean the bit about being called a whore and him looking like he wanted to kill her.... residual threats?

If he found out I would be honest and accept theta it was my fault and I would take responsibility for that.

This is why I struggle with what's happened. It's not a bad relationship. He doesn't hurt me physically and he's always there if I need him but I do a lot of the time feel like he's setting me up to fail. I will say I'm going out and it will probably be a late one, I never specify a specific time because if I do and I got back later than I'd said he would point that out.

I think your very right maybe he's just not the right one anymore because I want to do things he has no interest in like socialise. Thank you for your advice It took a lot for me to post here and now I feel worse than ever. I'm 21 very confused and I don't have people I can discuss this with and maybe I'm being naive but I didn't expect so much negativity. I realise I made a mistake and I'm trying to do the right thing. As I said In my first post I was wondering whether I should leave my partner because maybe he would be happier and want to do these things with someone else. I'm not a horrible person I'm just trying to figure out what's changed

I think she is physically cowed by him going off how she could never tell him what she has done due to her describing herself as "too scared", being previously called a "whore" and subject to very threatening body language

Very effective way to control someone.

We were friends for a long time before anything happened. He was friends with my sister. I dont see that as a red flag because all my friends were older than me and no they didn't all want to sleep with me. He waited until I was ready before we had sex.

I'm not directly frightened of him I believe I'm just frightened of men as a whole I don't believe he would ever hurt me physically.

My point is how is this risky. I cheated ONCE. "Not CHEATING with other MEN"
As I said if he finds out I will out my hands up and suffer the consequences. I don't get how this is risking my life or my security.

I'm scared to live alone because my abusive brother currently turns up at my mothers house and gets violent and also I've never lived alone so the unknown scares me.

What we are seeing here (IMVHO) is a relationship where the younger partner who, in the normal run of things, would have outgrown the older one who got something out of hooking up with a much more vulnerable partner.

However, instead of acknowledging this and taking steps to end the relationship OP is too frightened to live on her own, appears physically/mentally cowed despite her protestations and is taking a very risky route out by dabbling with other men.

Just my take on it. I don't think you want my advice, OP, but if you did it would be to leave your partner and make a life without men for a good while. Just you and your daughter.

I haven't said anywhere that you have cheated with multiple men. Like I said, for some people, once is more than enough. Since you are too frightened to talk to your partner about it, based on his previous behaviour, I get the impression he is one of those people.

I'm not saying I don't want your advice I'm just saying I feel like your jumping down my throat a bit and making out I'm shagging countless men.

You may be right but I don't see it like that. Maybe I don't want to think can control me by saying the right thing. I have discussed with a friend whether he seemed mentally/emotional controlling and she said she didn't think he was so I assumed I was over reacting. I don't have any knowledge in that type of control I'm only aware of physical control

"I was wondering whether I should leave my partner because maybe he would be happier"

It's not your responsibility to make this person happy. It's very common for someone from a dysfunctional or unhappy background to believe that keeping the family unit together means keeping a partner sweet. If that partner is at all controlling or manipulative, they will exploit it. They will try to isolate you from friends, chip away at your confidence, and restrict you in other ways.

You are under no obligation to stay with someone you've grown apart from just because they looked after you when you were a sick child. Just because you made a mistake in the past, it doesn't mean you have to stick around out of guilt. AF makes some very good points so don't dismiss them as negativity but read carefully.

This is my problem I don't know whether he uses his power over me. I feel like sometimes he does but then I question whether it's my issues that make me think that.

I'm sorry if I'm coming across ungrateful here I'm just trying to understand what's beinggn said about my partner because as I said I have no clue about people using power without violence.

You don't sound ungrateful, you sound unaware (and so does your friend)

here is some information about non-physical abuse (due soon to become a crime, hopefully later this year)

There are a few ways to work out if a relationship is imbalanced

Do you feel like you can say or do pretty much whatever you please within your relationship or do you tend to second-guess his reaction before you do something?

If there is a disagreement, does one of you tend to cave to keep the peace? Who apologises first? Is it 50/50? Is silent treatment ever a problem?

Do you have full say in family finances and decisions? Are you consulted about big purchases, for example? Do you have full access to family money?

What are your hopes and dreams, would your partner know what they are and are you congratulated, encouraged or supported?

Does your partner behave the same way towards others outside the home as they do towards you inside the home?

After reading that he does some of those things but in a very subtle way. Like if I say something that's bothering me he will tell me "your making a mountain out of a molehill" or like when I get home from work and say I'm tired can you make me a cup of tea he tells me "your jobs not hard is it, you only do baby shifts" and makes me feel mine isn't as important as his. Does that sound like he's putting me down on purpose? If I go out with my friends and there's men there I don't tell him because he gets funny, he's not as bad as he use to be but he use to accuse me of looking at other men and give me the silent treatment when we'd been together about a year. I know that probably another red flag but I just thought he was a little insecure. He doesn't seem to have any interest in women really like he doesn't look at other women or ever mention them when I think about it

And as for money that's certainly not 50/50 he use to earn £400 a week and some weeks I'd get nothing. He gives me £130 a week now and I don't know what he spends the rest of his wages on. We have seperate bank accounts and I'm he only one who saves any money he doesn't.

I apologise first. Even when sometimes I feel I've done nothing wrong, not sure he's ever actually said sorry. To write it out I know this makes me look really damn stupid but when I talk to him about our relationship It's like he knows what to say to placate me?

He acts the same inside as outside but I act differently. For example if I saw a man I work with when I was out with him I probably wouldn't say hello because I don't know how he would react

The problem you have is, if you dont tell him about the "cheating", then you dont have honesty, therefore you dont have trust, you then question if you really have a relationship that is anything more than some form of friendship.

My first boyfriend did the whole "Go out with your friends!" and then I'd get the silent stroppy treatment for a week afterwards, or we'd go out together and when we got back suddenly I'd "embarrassed him in front of our friends!" by how I'd spoken to him although he could never quite give an example of how. On one occasion we missed the wedding of one of his supposedly best friends because he stalled about getting ready until it was too late to go.
It was all him trying to isolate me - I stopped going out because it wasn't worth the grief I'd get afterwards.
I left him after 4 years and I've never regretted it for a second - you'll be surprised how well you manage on your own once you allow yourself to be on your own, reach out to your friends and let them help you, that's what friendship is :)

I get what you're saying. Maybe I don't want to tell him because I know he would end it. And I'm not sure if that's what I want

That's the thing he won't go out together. 6 years and I've met his friends twice. He's only met mine when they come round to visit. He doesn't ever want to go out even just with his friends and not me. He's content to sit at home every night and watch TV.

I'd say that the power in the relationship was very much on his side and that your self-confidence is being eroded by a lot of small but persistent digs and accusations. There's no respect for your efforts and yes, that's on purpose. Petty jealousy and silent treatment are not good behaviour because they create insecurity. If you'd avoid saying hello to someone you work with out of fear of his reaction, then you're intimidated into not being yourself. Saying sorry when you've done nothing is similar.

Does he really know what to say to placate you? Or have you been so desperate not to be rejected that you cling onto anything he says?

You would probably find that, contrary to what you believe, you'd be perfectly happy living solo. Combat the night nervousness by getting a dog.

Thank you. I think I've picked up on certain things but brushed them under the carpet saying "he's not the type to do that. " and I spent a while thinking maybe he just didn't know how a normal relationship functioned ( one time I brought up some issues we were having and he said he thoughts that how it was after a while)

I think I'm just scared how I will cope without him he's been there for six years and I struggle with change so that doesn't help. I don't think there's a dear of rejection I just always end up thinking what if leaving him is the biggest mistake il ever make. But maybe that's what he wants me to think?

You don't have to go straight from here to 'coping without him'. You could, for example, aim to be more assertive and more independent as a first step. So if there are snide comments about your 'baby shifts' come back at him with something. If you don't know where the money goes that he earns, tell him you want to get all the finances on the table and have full disclosure. Tell him there were men present on your night out and talk to that male workmate in the street. If you get a jealous response, deal with the response assertively.

Now this is much easier said than done and I know you're on the waiting list for counselling because you struggle with self-confidence. I also know it's very difficult to assert yourself when you're with someone who has set things up to keep you dependent. But you can make your goal to be more assertive and independent and use your counselling sessions to give you the tools to do that. Bring the power back a lot more in your favour.

As for 'what if leaving him is the biggest mistake il (sic) ever make'.... think of it this way. At the end of your life it won't be the mistakes you regret, it'll be the opportunities you passed up.

I do try and be assertive and I do come back with stuff because certain things make me angry. When I do say something back he stops.

Thank you that's very good advice and I think I will start saying there were men and things also to see how he does react. I feel like I have some better perspective now and I know what to watch for

If you allow yourself to be paralysed by "But what if it's a mistake" then you end up never doing anything! Sometimes you just have to feel that fear but go for it anyway. If it's a mistake - that's a shame, but you can learn from it.

I don't know if your DP is controlling from what you describe, or just a bit crap at being supportive in a relationship. It's perfectly okay for you to challenge that behaviour and ask him to see your point of view. My view is that when you live together (and especially when you have a child) you should be working as a team. Not one person in charge and the other doing as they're told.

Because of your upbringing, you have been used to someone being abusive (your bro) and that being accepted within the family. So being with someone who isn't physically abusive feels like a massive step forward. However, he doesn't have to be hitting you for it to be a bad relationship.

What is your living situation? Do you rent? If so, is the tenancy in both names? I'm trying to get a sense of how things would work out for you if you did decide you were better off alone. It's a shame your mum is not to be trusted. Do you have any other relatives (aunty, nan, cousins?) who would be supportive if you were to leave?

By the way. My dad was an abuser and to this day my sister is scared of the dark and cannot sleep with all the lights off. She is 38. So don't be embarrassed about that. If you want to use a nightlight, so what?! That's your business and you don't have to explain it to anyone.

That's good. In the process of improving your confidence sometimes you have to challenge others and sometimes you have to challenge yourself.

A good challenge for you perhaps would be to travel somewhere with DD, stay overnight and begin combating your fears of managing solo. When DS was that age we took the train to Blackpool, rode trams, ate fish and chips, stayed in a B&B and came back the next day. Huge adventure. :)

It's sad if you never go anywhere. Can you afford to go out for meals occasionally and get a babysitter. It would seem a miserable life if you partner won't do anything at all. You've been through a very tough time. It's impossible to say if your relationship has any future but it seems sad you are so miserable at a young age.