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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does this mean it's over?

81 replies

Confused44 · 09/03/2015 10:23

Hi I'll try keep it short. Been wih my partner for 6 years, beautiful 3yo daughter. But our relationship lacks passion and any excitement. We never go out together because he doesn't want to. Long story short I cheated on him. It only happened once but I've thought about doing it again (I know I'm a horrible person) does this mean Our relationship is over? I love him so much he's my first love. But I keep thinking if I cheated I can't be happy? Or I should leave him so he has the opportunity to be happy with someone else? Sorry I'm so confused right now Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused44 · 09/03/2015 13:39

I don't feel like we're a team. He works 7 days a week through choice we would be fine if he only worked 5 but he doesn't want to work less. I work part time go to college and do all the housework (he washes up once a week if I'm lucky)

We rent, it's in my name and I could pay my rent and bills without him because I'm good with my money.
I have my nan she's lovely but she says men don't do housework and if I want to go out I should just leave him at home so I think she'd be disappointed if I left him but only because she thinks my life would be harder as a single parent.

We can afford to go out once a week. We use to go for dinner once a week with our daughter but that rarely happens now. We could afford a babysitter for an evening but if I suggested it he wouldn't want to go

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/03/2015 14:21

Does he choose to work 7 days a week because you need the money? Some other reason? Is he self employed because I'm sure there's some kind of EU rule that would prevent an employee working 365 days a year? It sounds like a recipe for poor health.

AnyFucker · 09/03/2015 14:25

he sounds crushingly boring

if I were your mum (I could easily be) I would be disappointed that you were wasting your youth with someone so dull

it doesn't excuse your "cheating" but FGS, you get one life and you are settling for this man old before his time ?

it won't be long before you get your head turned again by a bright young thing with a bit of get-up-and go and like I've said a couple of times now, it will make your life implode in the worst way possible

my advice is to accept you have outgrown this rather creepy older man who was attracted to a sick and vulnerable 15yo and extricate yourself while it could still be relatively amicable (and if it wasn't at least that would be down to him being a prick and you not blowing the whole thing wide apart with your infidelity)

AnyFucker · 09/03/2015 14:41

That looks like I think it would be ok for him to abuse you

it never would be

what I mean to say is
....It would be best to walk away with your integrity intact

for your own sake

Original poster
Confused44 · 09/03/2015 15:44

He works 7 days because he wants to. We don't need the money. He takes a few days off over Christmas and stuff but that's it.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/03/2015 15:56

He'd rather go to work than spend time with you and your DD? Interesting. When he is at home is he fully part of the family, pulling his weight domestically, engaged with family activities etc or is he sat in front of the TV telling you that you do a Mickey Mouse job, expecting meals and clean laundry to appear from nowhere?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/03/2015 16:00

Actually I think you answered that earlier when you said you were expected to do everything around the home. I'll admit I'm struggling to work out what kind of job someone might do where the employer was quite happy to let them show up every day of the year. It can't be legal.

He has a pretty cushy time of it doesn't he?

Original poster
Confused44 · 09/03/2015 16:11

He works Monday-Friday and is self employed at the weekends. 6 months ago he had no interest in out daughter whatsoever. Only after I told him to sort it out or piss off did he start to take and interest. He's really good with her now and he has her when I work and go to college but that's it.

Yeah he does have it good. I don't think it would bother me so much if I felt he appreciated everything I do

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pocketsaviour · 09/03/2015 16:14

With your living arrangement, it sounds like you're in a strong position if you do decide it's over. Its good that you have a strong relationship with your Nan, given her generation her attitudes will be a bit different and she may be disappointed if you split up but, well, she'll just have to cope with it.

Really, it sounds like you aren't getting many positives from this relationship. I can understand being unsociable (I'm not very social) but to say he doesn't even want to go out just the two of you - I don't understand it.

I could see him working 7 days a week if he was trying to clear some massive debts (I've worked three jobs previously to do this, which is how you get around the EU regs) but if you're not short of money then it doesn't make sense. It doesn't sound like he really wants to spend time with you, I'm sorry.

Is he very involved with your child? Is he a good dad, or does he just phone it in, if you know what I mean?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/03/2015 16:15

"Only after I told him to sort it out or piss off did he start to take and interest. "

Then if that's the tactic that works I think you're going to have to extend it to the rest of the relationship. Goes without saying that if you put down an ultimatum like 'do X or piss off' you have to be prepared to follow through if X doesn't happen. Otherwise you just look ridiculous.

Perhaps.... 'Stop working at weekends for money we don't need and spend time with your family instead' is your next one?

pocketsaviour · 09/03/2015 16:15

X-posted on that last bit. At least he has stepped up a bit there.

UndecidedNow · 09/03/2015 16:22

If he works 7 days a week, never goes out and has no savings, what on earth does he do with the money???

Also, imo, not wanting to go back home and staying late at work or working 7 days, can be a sign he is just not invested in the relationship. Esp now that he has a child. Does he ever do anything with her?

Original poster
Confused44 · 09/03/2015 16:22

I probably give him a list of ultimatums once a year.
I asked him why he still works weekend and he says he doesn't like to sit around and do nothing.

This is why I feel so down most of the time because I don't feel like he wants to spend time with me at all, it's sort of like he doesn't care anymore? I don't know I honestly believe he would never end out relationship even if he was unhappy. But maybe that's just because he's got it pretty made

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused44 · 09/03/2015 16:24

I'm certainly going to be having a conversation with him about what we both want from our relationship in terms of socialising and such because I guess if I want it and e isn't even willing to try it will only get worse for me

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UndecidedNow · 09/03/2015 16:26

Sorry post.

Then your answer is to get very assertive and clearly state your needs and what you expect from a relationship.
As another pp said, I know that you waiting counselling but you can start by reading book on assertiveness and have a try. Start with something small (even though if you managed to make him have more interest in his child, I think you are doing VERY well!) and concentrate one step at the time.

UndecidedNow · 09/03/2015 16:29

Just one word about socialising.

You can have a nice relationship together even if you never socialise together. But for that to work, you need to have something in common, something to look forward to, a common aim in life.
At the moment, it looks like both of you have no aim or objective, let alone a common one.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/03/2015 16:30

"he doesn't like to sit around and do nothing."

I bet, if you put your mind to it, you could fill an A4 sheet with stuff you and he could do at the weekend that isn't 'doing nothing'. Jobs around the house, places to visit, people to meet, films to see, playing with DD, tidying up the garden, washing the car .... Like normal people do. :)

He's full of crap

Original poster
Confused44 · 09/03/2015 16:33

He is full of crap when it comes to spending time with me. I asked him to take me to winter wonderland. He said yes until I told him it would be easier to leave our daughter at home. Then he point blank said no.

Yeah the only thing we really have I'm common is our daughter

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UndecidedNow · 09/03/2015 17:05

Unfortunately, I think you have your answer. He has in some ways checked out if the relationship. But daren't telling you about it :(

At your place, I would have a chat with him about it and ask him if he is happy and what he wants out that relationship.
If you and him aren't happy, if you can't find within yourself a reason good enough to be together, what's the point?

Original poster
Confused44 · 10/03/2015 19:00

Just wanted to thank everyone for their advice. I've decided I need to be honest with myself and my partner and accept that we've grown apart and no matter how hard I try it can't be fixed

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AnyFucker · 10/03/2015 19:51

I think that is the correct conclusion.

MaybeDoctor · 10/03/2015 21:36

I have read the thread and just wanted to wish you all the best. You are young and Cogito and Any Fucker are just two of the many wise women on Mumsnet - keep posting on here pls.

Also, speak to your college about your situation and support with childcare - they have funds to help and it is very important to keep your training going.

Iflyaway · 10/03/2015 21:43

Your first love?

There's your answer right there...

You were very young when you got together, now you have a child together.

Do the best for your child and realise that first love is not always always love

Cheating never solved anything. You owe him (and your child who will be with you forever) your honesty.

Original poster
Confused44 · 11/03/2015 10:09

Thank you.

Do you have any advice on how it's best to tell him it's over? I really struggle with having important conversations because I know it will hurt him so I avoid it completely. Plus I'm worried the effect it will have on out daughter. She loves her daddy and I know she won't understand what's happening

Are there any particular things I need to discuss with him?

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/03/2015 10:42

Before you have that conversation, have a good idea in your mind what's going to happen next. Assuming that's going to be separation, you might want to think about living arrangements, timing, finances, how to carry on being co-parents to your DD.... If you're not sure, get some information, take some advice and at least have a bit of a plan. It'll give you confidence, you'll have answers to some of the questions he's bound to have and it shows you're serious.

Then..... have the conversation. I suggest the tone you adopt is what I call 'more in sorrow than in anger'. So you tell him it's very sad and you'd rather not be having this conversation, but you don't think the relationship is working very well for either you & you think it would be better if it ended. Your daughter has to be the top priority for both of you so make it clear that you don't want her to suffer just because you will be in two locations. Whatever your differences, she deserves the best.