Dad's obsession with my body

[User24689]

Hello MNers
I am after some advice/ thoughts on an issue that’s been going on a long time and wondered if anyone else had had to deal with anything similar. Sorry in advance for the length.

My dad has always been very preoccupied with weight and food – he loves food and cooking, Irish family, always thinking about what he’s going to create for the next meal etc but at the same time both my parents were always very critical of other people’s weights. As a child I had a clear sense that being overweight was wrong and that it was something that happened to other people but wouldn’t happen to me. When I went through puberty I started gaining weight in totally normal places but worried about it a lot, and my worries were completely reinforced by both my parents. I was encouraged to diet so that I didn’t get fat and spent a good few years battling it before eventually settling with my different figure, which there was no fighting of course, and feeling like I’d failed. As my weight fluctuated in my teens, my dad took me running with him, I wasn’t allowed to eat the same things as my younger brother, and I became increasingly anxious about it until I started properly restricting my food around age 16. I was very distressed, though I did lose a lot of weight, and my weight loss was praised at home so I carried on. By the time I was 18 and at uni I was restricting dangerously and was diagnosed anorexic. I eventually reached out to my parents, my mum was very supportive but dad found it really hard and never talked to me about it. I gained the weight back and he continued to speak about food and weight in the same way as if it had never happened.

I continually relapsed into my eating disorder for a further 10 years. 8 years ago I met my wonderful fiancé who I am marrying in 3 weeks’ time and 4 years ago we moved to Australia which was the best thing I could have done for my mental health because my parents don’t see my body so can’t comment on it. We have a good relationship generally. I have had a few bad relapses regardless and after a few years of really good counselling here I finally considered myself recovered a year ago. I gained weight, my periods came back and I before Christmas I fell pregnant :) Life is so good for me right now and I am so proud that I beat the ED because I honestly thought I would live with it forever (I’m now 30).

The problem is, my dad still can’t let go of this obsession and still asks me about my weight, what exercise I’m doing etc. He is not being mean, he thinks he is being caring and I don’t want to hurt him because I know he adores me. My parents are now divorced, that happened 10 years ago, and I believe that my mum couldn’t cope with his obsession with this either because she is very funny about food herself these days and I think it must all be related. Since I have been pregnant he has been quizzing me on whether I’m showing, like that is a bad thing. At the weekend, he arrives for my wedding and will be staying with us for 2 weeks. I am so, so anxious about both of my parents reactions to my weight gain – I haven’t gained much at all through pregnancy but they don’t realise I gained 10kg before that even happened!

It has all come to a head for me this morning as I have received an email from Dad titled ‘gluttony’ and attached is an article about weight gain in pregnancy and how the biggest contributor to the “obesity crisis” is pregnant women eating badly and giving birth to overweight babies who are then predisposed to be overweight (think that’s the gist, couldn’t bear to read it). Watching my body change in pregnancy is a massive challenge for me as it is and the title of the email brought me immediately to tears, it was like being slapped.

Has anyone been through anything like this with a family member? How can I deal with him? My husband to be has a difficult relationship with him because he has a lot of anger about my past and I really don’t want to start married life with them falling out and me feeling awful. This is supposed to be a happy time. :(

Also just want to make it clear I don’t blame my parents for my eating disorder – I chose that behaviour myself for a lot of reasons. I would never want to upset any MNers who have a child with an ED. These are just my personal circumstances.

Apologies for a brief reply, but...

Poor you. I too moved to the other side of the world and it has meant that I can beat / deal with my Ed in private without the constant scrutiny. I adore my parents but do dread visits as you know it will arise.

For me, finally standing up to my mother and saying that I don't want discuss it with he rwas something she wasn't expecting. My husband also is incredibly supportive and we make sure that the ed is just a tiny part of our past (and sometimes are present), but it has improved relations with her .

Good luck. Have alovely pregnancy and enjoy every second, kick, scan etc. your only bodily focus should be on nourishing your baby. Enjoy!

Out of interest how big were you at your biggest, when your dad was stressing the most about it? And how big are you now, given you've gained 10kg? It sounds to me like you've spent far more time being underweight (stopped periods etc.) than overweight.

The level of 'loving concern' he has had over this has clearly not been remotely normal or well balanced at all and it seems like he almost wants you to have an EA or be anorexic.

I think it's time to send him a very frank email. Tell him some of what you've said in your post. Say that you are looking forward to seeing him very much but that he needs to BACK RIGHT OFF with this damaging obsession immediately and never, ever EVER mention it to you again. Tell him how mentally and emotionally fragile you have been made to feel your whole life by living like this and how you've ended up with an ED as a result that you have battled very hard to overcome. Tell him you are finally in a good and happy place and HE DOES NOT HAVE YOUR PERMISSION TO RUIN THAT with his warped obsessions and his constant attempts to manipulate and undermine you, and put you back in that bad place.

Say that you love him very much and you understand that it is HIM who has the problem, not you, and you will NOT ALLOW HIM to make it your problem by proxy any longer. And you will not EVER allow him to speak the same sort of damaging nonsense in the presence of his grandchild.

Tell him that for the sake of your mental health you will not hesitate to cut him out of your life if he cannot agree to stop being manipulative, controlling, toxic and emotionally abusive towards you. Your weight, your exercise regime, your baby's weight, your choices in pregnancy and the size of your baby bump are NOT up for discussion at any time. EVER. AGAIN. Or it's bye bye Dad.

His choice. He needs this spelt out loud and clear before he arrives.

I am not trained in dealing with eating disorders but I really do not believe that you chose To develop an eating disorder. It was a reaction To something.

In your sitúation, if you feel able To do so, I would tell your father in plain language that his obsesión has made you ill and that you want him To stop mentioning your weight, diet and or excersise. Tell him To put his energías into his own lifestyle and look at why he is so obsessed, and then never talk To you about it unless you ask him.

Is your DP supportive of you? Could he calmly and firmly tell your father not To talk To/about you in the way he does.

Or use a stock answer To every comment, along the línes of - my Dr. says my weight is fine - and then change the subject.

I would also tell him that if he continúes in this vien he will be univited and that his place in your Life and that of your DC is dependant on his attitude.

Just wanted to add, I know you say he doesn't mean to be cruel, but the thing is, he is being cruel, whether he means to be or not. And he needs to understand that. You say he adores you but he IS still being incredibly toxic and quite narcissistic. He clearly hasn't never really listened to you, had any empathy for you, or watched for signs of how you are feeling about this - it's all about how he feels, and how he imagines you should feel, (ie. exactly the same as him.)

He needs to be gently but very, very firmly put right on a few things.

has never, not hasn't never!

You are an adult....And he doesn't need to know everything about you.
If my son, 6000 miles away thinks I'm being intrusive he will very readily say....Ma, you've no need to know....No offence is meant and none is taken.

Thank you all. It seems everyone is in agreement that I just need to tackle this head on and make it abundantly clear it is unacceptable and I know that's the case but that is something that I'm going to find very hard to do. Both my parents are heartbroken that I moved so far away and I carry a lot of guilt about that, which I think makes it harder to stand up to them.

LadyB49 I know I am an adult and it sounds like you have a fantastic relationship with your son - the difference is, offence would be taken by my parents. Communication in our family has always been crap, we bottle up feelings and nobody fronts up to things. There is also an awful lot of emotional blackmail/ manipulation, particularly from my mother, which is one reason I've always found it so hard to stand up to them,. I am already seen as the 'fiesty' one of the family because I express myself more than most and for that reason I'm joked about as being difficult and argumentative. None of my friends or colleagues would describe me that way at all! It's just relative.

Don'tDrink your posts are a good kick up the arse, thank you :) You are right, this is what I need to be able to vocalise. And to answer your question, I would guess that at my biggest back then I was between 9 and 9.5st. I'm 5ft 5. I think my lowest weight was 7st. I didn't weigh myself though, when I wasn't restricting. I don't weigh myself now at all, I have broken the habit of needing to know how much I weigh, although recently I've needed to be weighed by midwives and I'm now 60kg, which I think is just over 9st. So I've never been overweight but then my dad's views don't seem to be health-related, more aesthetic related.

He's had a few girlfriends since my mum (one of which he left my mum for) and they all have the body type that is naturally slim without curves. I think he believes this is a body type that all women aspire to and can achieve if they just aren't greedy, which isn't the case. It's just how you're built, and I understand that now. The only way I can achieve that is through starvation, but others are completely healthy at that shape. He doesn't believe that (and has said so).

Adorabell Your stock answer is a good idea, and not confrontational. When I said I chose the behaviour, I didn't explain myself well... my counsellor cautioned me from blaming others for the disorder because it took it out of my hands. She wanted me to understand it had always been within my control, no one else's. That's one of the things that helped give me a more positive attitude toward beating it.
You're right about his place in the DC's life. My fiance is adamant that any talk of body size and good/ bad foods will not happen in our house around this DC and that my dad will get only one warning if he dares mention it to his GC. I know I need to tackle this for their sake because if I have a little girl she is going to get the same shit from him, and tbh I just won't be able to let him spend any time unsupervised with her if I don't get a handle on this now.

Firstly well done on getting to such a healthy place and congrats on your pregnancy and wedding! What an exciting time for you.
In your shoes, I would want to protect all that immensely - do not let your father undo any of the good work you've done or take the shine off this happy and wonderful time in your life.
If you haven't already tell him bluntly that you will no more discuss weight/exercise/body etc and if he does, he will be asked to leave. If you have said this already, then I would distance myself during his visit. Tbh, I would feel the same as your DP. I'd be so angry with this man for treating you like this.
Put yourself and your little family first -you deserve this happiness. Don't let him take it away.

sorry, cross-posts quietly... I think you may be right about him staying, I just don't want to cause a huge shitstorm right now because it will be embarrassing to everyone else who is coming and very upsetting for me. But I do accept that it is dangerous. He has another friend who lives here and I'm considering having this conversation with him calmly when he arrives and then suggesting that if he continues to comment, he will need to go and stay with his friend. What do you think?

The first time he comes to stay with you is a very important one if there are others to come. Tell him (maybe in writing prior to arrival and then have a chat at the airport together with husband to be) that you realise it may be strange for him to stay ya your house now you are a grown up your relationship is different and you have your own rules. At your home you do not discus weight and food is for pleasure. If he forgets that he'll be reminded but there's no discussion, the rule has to be followed. If he wants to know why you can expulsión in as much or little details as you want. Ask him if he understsnds. Ask him if he needs examples of what would break the rule. You can do it, you have already shown how strong you are. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Xxx

Thank you werewolf. My DP is absolutely lovely but a very strong character and he sort of hardens up when my dad's around... it's a shame because it means my dad has never really got to know what a wonderful caring man he is because when they meet DP is on guard.

Thanks for all your lovely words. I will update the thread and let you know how I go next week, hopefully I will have been able to get some of this across to him.

I would guess that at my biggest back then I was between 9 and 9.5st. I'm 5ft 5.

Oh for crying out loud, you haven't ever been overweight in your life, nor even close to it. Stupid man.

I know Drink :( My counsellor has a theory he had a problem with me growing up and so wanted me to continue to look like a child. It seems possible, but I don't think it's the case because he has the same attitude to other women, who aren't his children!

I could have written this OP. It's a horrible horrible situation. It was my mum not my dad in my case, and like you it started just as I began to go through puberty. It's like whatever you achieve in life, the thing you get most praise for is weighing less than 7 stone. I also moved far away from family and I was also cast as the stubborn, awkward one in the family!

In my case I never confronted my mother - she died before I got married or had a baby. But I often wonder what she would have said about my weight on both occasions. I think the advice you've had up thread is great, good luck with everything.

He's perfectly entitled to find very thin women attractive and plumper women unattractive, if that's how he feels no-one can change his feelings on that and neither should they try. We all have our preferences and our turn-offs, that's normal.

What's not normal, and what he's NOT entitled to do, is demand that you should conform to his idea of physical perfection, or make it an obsession and a crusade, and make you feel like a failure when you can't live up to his ideals.

If he really loves and adores you then he should have your self-esteem at the heart of everything he says and does. He has failed in that spectacularly so far.

OP, my Dad is a bit like this, not as bad, but certainly much more bothered about my body shape than any of my friends' Dads were. He is better now; I had a discussion with him about it about six years ago ( my eldest is now 11), as he was starting to make comments about her. Irony is, he is overweight, but I have never been, even at my "biggest".

I wish you well, you have my sympathy!

The problem with stating your boundaries is that he is very unlikely to respect any boundaries. If he had any normal notion of boundaries at all, he wouldn't be emailing you utter crap like that.

I know you need to take ownership of your illness, but I think it is important that you recognise that it WAS your father that caused it. Personally I would let your DP loose on him to put him back in his box and give a very clear warning that HE will not tolerate this. I would get him to answer emails too with a very firm response that this will not be tolerated by either of you.

Possibly, your DF is not to blame for his weight obsession. Find out his childhood, was there shortage of food, did his DM die from something affected by her weight (too much or too little) was he in a large family and he was bottom of the pile/ last to be fed???

If it turns out that something in his childhood caused this then you can see it isn't you he has a problem with, it is actually his DPs or whatever caused his issues and nothing to really do with you at all which might make it easier for you to make a stand.

Some very amateur psychology suggested here but his behavior is odd, and will probably be odd whether you do what he wants or not.

Have you replied to the latest email yet? If not, this could be a good opportunity to do as a pp suggested and lay some ground rules before they come. He needs to be told that his obsession cannot impact on your hard won recovery.

A friend of my mum developed an ed in similar circs to yours - she is now 40, weighs approx 4 stone, and will never return to a normal weight because of the damage done to her body. You are absolutely doing the right thing by managing the situation, as incredibly difficult as it is.

I agree your father may have his own historical issues, but I wouldn't personally suggest you attempt to explore those with him and get drawn into that - you could suggest to him that he seeks help though. He needs to be told his attitude is unhealthy and that you will not be accommodating it!

Good luck

You are extraordinarily generous to him - has he any idea how wonderful you are?

I couldn't agree more!

In fact why don't you just email him a link to this thread?

When I said find out his childhood I didn't necessarily mean from him - does he have siblings or relatives you can ask.

I think it's important for your ongoing recovery from the ED to tackle this openly with him. You have a desire to please him which, even now, is conflicting with what you know is best for you.

He doesn't accept that you have an ED that, without proper management, could kill you. You and your mum tolerated his sabotaging behaviour for years but it needs to stop now. Your health, both physical and mental, is what matters. You may find the weight gain of pregnancy is challenging for you anyway, without his voice in your ear telling you it's unhealthy or unnatural. In your DP's place I would be very unhappy about such a negative influence visiting you during a vulnerable time.