Dad's obsession with my body

[User24689]

Hello MNers
I am after some advice/ thoughts on an issue that’s been going on a long time and wondered if anyone else had had to deal with anything similar. Sorry in advance for the length.

My dad has always been very preoccupied with weight and food – he loves food and cooking, Irish family, always thinking about what he’s going to create for the next meal etc but at the same time both my parents were always very critical of other people’s weights. As a child I had a clear sense that being overweight was wrong and that it was something that happened to other people but wouldn’t happen to me. When I went through puberty I started gaining weight in totally normal places but worried about it a lot, and my worries were completely reinforced by both my parents. I was encouraged to diet so that I didn’t get fat and spent a good few years battling it before eventually settling with my different figure, which there was no fighting of course, and feeling like I’d failed. As my weight fluctuated in my teens, my dad took me running with him, I wasn’t allowed to eat the same things as my younger brother, and I became increasingly anxious about it until I started properly restricting my food around age 16. I was very distressed, though I did lose a lot of weight, and my weight loss was praised at home so I carried on. By the time I was 18 and at uni I was restricting dangerously and was diagnosed anorexic. I eventually reached out to my parents, my mum was very supportive but dad found it really hard and never talked to me about it. I gained the weight back and he continued to speak about food and weight in the same way as if it had never happened.

I continually relapsed into my eating disorder for a further 10 years. 8 years ago I met my wonderful fiancé who I am marrying in 3 weeks’ time and 4 years ago we moved to Australia which was the best thing I could have done for my mental health because my parents don’t see my body so can’t comment on it. We have a good relationship generally. I have had a few bad relapses regardless and after a few years of really good counselling here I finally considered myself recovered a year ago. I gained weight, my periods came back and I before Christmas I fell pregnant :) Life is so good for me right now and I am so proud that I beat the ED because I honestly thought I would live with it forever (I’m now 30).

The problem is, my dad still can’t let go of this obsession and still asks me about my weight, what exercise I’m doing etc. He is not being mean, he thinks he is being caring and I don’t want to hurt him because I know he adores me. My parents are now divorced, that happened 10 years ago, and I believe that my mum couldn’t cope with his obsession with this either because she is very funny about food herself these days and I think it must all be related. Since I have been pregnant he has been quizzing me on whether I’m showing, like that is a bad thing. At the weekend, he arrives for my wedding and will be staying with us for 2 weeks. I am so, so anxious about both of my parents reactions to my weight gain – I haven’t gained much at all through pregnancy but they don’t realise I gained 10kg before that even happened!

It has all come to a head for me this morning as I have received an email from Dad titled ‘gluttony’ and attached is an article about weight gain in pregnancy and how the biggest contributor to the “obesity crisis” is pregnant women eating badly and giving birth to overweight babies who are then predisposed to be overweight (think that’s the gist, couldn’t bear to read it). Watching my body change in pregnancy is a massive challenge for me as it is and the title of the email brought me immediately to tears, it was like being slapped.

Has anyone been through anything like this with a family member? How can I deal with him? My husband to be has a difficult relationship with him because he has a lot of anger about my past and I really don’t want to start married life with them falling out and me feeling awful. This is supposed to be a happy time. :(

Also just want to make it clear I don’t blame my parents for my eating disorder – I chose that behaviour myself for a lot of reasons. I would never want to upset any MNers who have a child with an ED. These are just my personal circumstances.

^^ tell you not telly you obviously.

Just say Dad can we please not talk about or mention my weight. If he can upset you by phone when he's thousands of miles away I don't think it's really a good idea for him to come and stay until he has learned a bit more sensitivity.

My dad was like this, though not quite as bad. I also developed an eating disorder. The wake-up call that he really wasn't concerned about my welfare, only my appearance was when he (as usual) remarked to me and my sister that I put on some weight (I was a normal BMI. I think I was about 10 stone then, at 5'7) and my sister piped up "do you want her to look like she did when she came back from [country I fled to get away from my ex]. He said "well, yes. That wasn't so bad". I was shocked because I weighed just 7.5 stone then and was so underweight my mum didn't recognise me at the airport. I stayed with a friend's aunt for three weeks before flying home. The lovely woman kept giving me food every few hours. I literally had no idea how thin I was. It was only afterwards that she told me when she saw me she thought I would collapse right there and 'no mother should see her child like that'.

I think you do need to tell your father in advance of his stay that certain topics are totally and utterly off-limits. Explain you had an eating disorder. You don't have to lay the blame with him if you don't want to. It doesn't actually matter, ultimately. Explain that anorexia has one of the (if not the) highest mortality rates of any mental disorder. Fortunately you came through it before you life was in the balance.

If he starts to bring up anything like his usual body/weight/eating obsessed topics in your company, I would just leave the room with a 'please excuse me'. He will be left behind looking (and feeling) a bit of a fool but it will get the message across without being massively confrontational. Just keep doing that. My BIL did this with a relative who couldn't cope with my BIL's brother being gay. He would make inappropriate remarks quite casually and BIL would just get up and go do something in another room. He only had to do it a few times to get the message across that more remarks like that meant no more conversation.

You'll get through this, though. You have a wonderful DP who is looking out for you and you see through the body shaming and disordered thinking about food your father does. That's a HUGE step ahead, in my book.

OP I wish you all the very best. It seems to me such an utterly vicious thing to do, to send an email entitled 'gluttony' to anyone, under any circumstances. It's even worse that it is from someone who should love and care for you, and who knows how you have suffered with an ED, I am not surprised that you were upset.

I genuinely don't know what to advise you to do. I think composing an email calmly, based on some of what you have said, on the thread might be the way to go. His issues are his issues, and it's up to him to sort them. All the best with your pregnancy and wedding.

wow sounds like he has serious issues
he needs a dr tbh

any way op welldone
you have done amazlngly well
congratulations
on t he wedding and baby and getting into such a goodplace
enjoy

tell him straight weight/"health", is not a subject upfor discussion
get your dh to start backing you up straight away

I have inlaws, like this and it drives me mad, but they don't really impact my life

OP - I could have written your first post!

It's so hard - my DPs are obsessed with weight, DM has an ED and her behaviour had influenced EDs and self esteem issues with me and my siblings. Even now when I have told her how I feel she can't help it... She's called me fat even when pregnant! My PIL are the same... My MIL asked me how much I weigh recently and when I said I didn't know, she asked why I hadn't been weighed at antenatal!

It's really hurtful... I've tried talking to them about it but now I just think it's pointless - their issues are so deep rooted they can't really be resolved without being acknowledged by them and I don't think that will happen. I just tell them straight now that it's not a subject for discussion and not to project their own body image issues on to me or my kids. That's really all you can do. They think I'm stroppy for saying it and there have been some shocked looks and comments about me being snappy and difficult but I'm over it. They are the ones with the problem, not me and they didn't care about hurting my feelings so if they get offended that's just tough.

Hope you can work something out that stops you from being put in this difficult situation.

ANYONE who sends a person who has suffered with Anorexia an email entitled GLUTTONY is seriously fucked up and should not, under any circumstances be given house room.

Tell him he stays elsewhere for the trip, now. Deal with this NOW.
Tell him it is because of his treatment of you until now and this latest fucked up email.

Tell him that IF and when you can trust him, maybe you will extend an invitation. Blame your DH if you must, make him the bad guy. tell your supposed father that your H is furious and won't have him in the house, given all that you have been through. Tell your Df that you're agreeing with him as he does have your best interests at heart and that you are prepared to back him up as he has with you.

if he wants to cancel his trip - let him. this man can undo every single centimetre of progress you have made since escaping your DF poison by moving to Oz.

Anorexia is not a whim or a passing fantasy, you don't need me to tell you. It is a serious illness that causes health issues at best, and is fatal at worst. this email is the equivalent of handing a gun to someone who has already had a dabble at russian roulette.

It's not a peccadillo, it's not irresponsible, nor an oversight, it is seriously warped, fucked up, outrageous and dangerous to you and to your family, your unborn child and generations your families to come.

I'm really struggling not to just suggest a one-sentence reply to his email: "You are an abusive cunt and you are not welcome at my wedding, you absolute fucking moron."

I mean seriously, yes you are responsible for the way that you react to things, etc, however children do not have those mental barriers to resist shameless indoctrination of this sort. He is responsible for your ED. If he had run over your leg and left you with a limp, would you be saying "Yes he ran me over but I'm choosing to be disabled"?

Seriously [shocked] that your counsellors have given him such an easy ride.

Strongly suggest you don't let him within a hundred miles of you or your family. Uninvite the twat to the wedding, fuck that, seriously.

Sorry to come across so strong but this has seriously made my blood boil.

I haven't read the whole thread as I have to leave the house shortly, but I think it is clearly your Dad with the eating disorder, which you has then been manifested through you. I understand how hard this must be- my SIL has an eating disorder, and my MIL is very critical of other people's weight. I have gained weight with a thyroid problem and I actively avoid my MIl because I know she will make little comments to me about weight and much more obvious ones to other family members about me. I am 51!I have two small daughters! I should be able to deal with this, but it still manages to dent my confidence and make me feel an utter failure. And she isn't even my own parent...
My only advice would be to talk to your dad, tell him HE is the one with the problem, that you don't like the things he says, and thus if he continues to say them you will assume he is doing it to purposefully upset you. And thensee what happens. Oh and congratulations!

I'm very concerned about causing hurt and upset and don't know how to get over that

In a normal family there wouldn't be any upset if two people had differing views or disagreed about something. That's to be expected.

It's a prob in your family because he is obsessed and wishes to force his views onto you.

It would be the most simple thing in a normal family to say to someone 'oh, don't mention x it upsets me' and expect to be listened to.

I do think he needs to see someone about all this

This is an understatement. But if he is 65, his wife has left him and he can't see he has issues then I would accept that he isn't going to change, ever, nor, as he is an adult, is it a concern of yours, Wolves.

YOu need to distance yourself from this.

You can't change other people, you can only change yourself.

It's great to read your up dates since I posted this morning. As bad as your first op was and as awful as your dad has been, it's wonderful to read how brilliantly you have overcome it and also what wonderful support you have in your DH and DB.
Your child will be very lucky indeed to have your protection and love. It's going to be a hard email to write but completely worth it.

It's quite obvious that your father has an eating disorder himself and can't help it anymore than you could in the midst of your anorexia. And I'm quite shocked at how posters are talking about him, he clearing has mental health issues!

Hi everyone, OP here. I really can't thank you enough for all the advice and support, MN is an amazing place sometimes. Don'tDrink, your message yesterday about parenting and placing your own issues/ pressures unintentionally on children was particularly helpful, I read it out to DP too.

I have been quite upset by some of the comments about him, I even went back and re-read my OP to see if I made it sound worse than it is, but I didn't. I really think that he is trying to keep me a certain way to protect me from something, but I don't think he understands what. I wonder if he thinks all men judge women in the same way and he doesn't want me to be judged poorly so wants to make sure I live up to this standard where I will be accepted. It's fucked up, I realise.

Anyway I have taken everyone's comments on board and took a lot of strength from this thread. I think I'm going to print it out and keep it so that I can look again at some of the things people have said, if I wobble about this in future.

I wrote him the email, it was very hard to do. It took me about an hour but it ended up just being a paragraph. It wasn't aggressive or particularly accusatory but it made it clear that the comments/ attitude in general have caused me serious problems in the past, I have overcome those problems and am happy with who I am and I do not want any further comments about food, exercise or weight in future. I also said that DP and I would not have those things as a topic of conversation in front of the DC to prevent them from suffering similar anxiety or distress. I have spoken to the friends of ours and he is going to go and stay with them after the weekend, we are going to just have him for this weekend only. I've couched it to him as a plan because we don't have a lot of room (I know some of you will think I'm being a wimp about this, but all this is a huge deal for me as it is) and it will make arrangements easier for everyone. He'll be okay with that anyway, he likes them.

I've also emailed my brother to let him know I've emailed Dad - they're travelling together so Dad may mention it - and I've asked DB to back me up if necessary. DP is very proud of me. He wanted me to be harsher but accepts that now Dad is on a warning, if he says anything I will have the confidence to stand up to him strongly because I have already explained my reasons.

Thanks again to you all! I will let you know the response I get and how I get on. Every comment has been so appreciated. x

I agree with all that's said above but, for another way of dealing, perhaps I would kind of call his bluff in a way and say something like 'Dad, I'm a bit confused, why are you sending me things about weight, I'm not worrying about my weight, I'm happy/healthy/pregnant/all three,can you explain please?
And see if he 'squirms' OR, reply with something like the others have said, or don't reply or reply ignoring and then ask why he gets there. I may do something like that if I was in your position.

For the record, my parents were very 'fattist' and weight was a mega issue so I do understand to a degree, where you are. Good luck with it all and mega congrats on your strength, pregnancy and having a protective and loving husband-you've overcome so much. This man, Father or not has no bearing on your position now!

Xpost!Yes please do let us know, and good luck!

That's briiliant news and hopefully he'll have the emotional intelligence (finally) to digest what you've said and think on it. If not, then he can't say he wasn't warned! Lots of luck with the wedding, I hope you have a fabulous day. Your fiancé sounds wonderful by the way.

Surely whether he has an eating disorder or not is irrelevant. Mental health problems dont give you the right to be rude and say hurtful things to other people.

I don't understand why you are so worried about dh upsetting him. Dh imo as an equal adult has the right to tell him how to behave around him and his family. I'd let him, it takes a brave man to stand up to his inlaws and it will go one way or another. Either way problem solved.

Well done!

proud of you x

Well done. I rally hope your brother and partner are there to support you through this, and that your dad takes it in. Now you have done that, it will be easier to say 'Stop'.

well done, wolves. And good luck with your pregnancy - and the wedding

Just seen this thread. Well done OP, you have done the right thing.

Good luck.

Wow, just read this thread with a sense of utter horror.Please keep us posted.

You poor thing and well done on confronting.

wonderful - that was a great email - short and to the point, and clearly sets out the future.
well done