Dad's obsession with my body

[User24689]

Hello MNers
I am after some advice/ thoughts on an issue that’s been going on a long time and wondered if anyone else had had to deal with anything similar. Sorry in advance for the length.

My dad has always been very preoccupied with weight and food – he loves food and cooking, Irish family, always thinking about what he’s going to create for the next meal etc but at the same time both my parents were always very critical of other people’s weights. As a child I had a clear sense that being overweight was wrong and that it was something that happened to other people but wouldn’t happen to me. When I went through puberty I started gaining weight in totally normal places but worried about it a lot, and my worries were completely reinforced by both my parents. I was encouraged to diet so that I didn’t get fat and spent a good few years battling it before eventually settling with my different figure, which there was no fighting of course, and feeling like I’d failed. As my weight fluctuated in my teens, my dad took me running with him, I wasn’t allowed to eat the same things as my younger brother, and I became increasingly anxious about it until I started properly restricting my food around age 16. I was very distressed, though I did lose a lot of weight, and my weight loss was praised at home so I carried on. By the time I was 18 and at uni I was restricting dangerously and was diagnosed anorexic. I eventually reached out to my parents, my mum was very supportive but dad found it really hard and never talked to me about it. I gained the weight back and he continued to speak about food and weight in the same way as if it had never happened.

I continually relapsed into my eating disorder for a further 10 years. 8 years ago I met my wonderful fiancé who I am marrying in 3 weeks’ time and 4 years ago we moved to Australia which was the best thing I could have done for my mental health because my parents don’t see my body so can’t comment on it. We have a good relationship generally. I have had a few bad relapses regardless and after a few years of really good counselling here I finally considered myself recovered a year ago. I gained weight, my periods came back and I before Christmas I fell pregnant :) Life is so good for me right now and I am so proud that I beat the ED because I honestly thought I would live with it forever (I’m now 30).

The problem is, my dad still can’t let go of this obsession and still asks me about my weight, what exercise I’m doing etc. He is not being mean, he thinks he is being caring and I don’t want to hurt him because I know he adores me. My parents are now divorced, that happened 10 years ago, and I believe that my mum couldn’t cope with his obsession with this either because she is very funny about food herself these days and I think it must all be related. Since I have been pregnant he has been quizzing me on whether I’m showing, like that is a bad thing. At the weekend, he arrives for my wedding and will be staying with us for 2 weeks. I am so, so anxious about both of my parents reactions to my weight gain – I haven’t gained much at all through pregnancy but they don’t realise I gained 10kg before that even happened!

It has all come to a head for me this morning as I have received an email from Dad titled ‘gluttony’ and attached is an article about weight gain in pregnancy and how the biggest contributor to the “obesity crisis” is pregnant women eating badly and giving birth to overweight babies who are then predisposed to be overweight (think that’s the gist, couldn’t bear to read it). Watching my body change in pregnancy is a massive challenge for me as it is and the title of the email brought me immediately to tears, it was like being slapped.

Has anyone been through anything like this with a family member? How can I deal with him? My husband to be has a difficult relationship with him because he has a lot of anger about my past and I really don’t want to start married life with them falling out and me feeling awful. This is supposed to be a happy time. :(

Also just want to make it clear I don’t blame my parents for my eating disorder – I chose that behaviour myself for a lot of reasons. I would never want to upset any MNers who have a child with an ED. These are just my personal circumstances.

Your dDad is 100% responsible for your ED OP. No wonder you moved to the other side of the world! The email he sent you is disgusting. If you allow him to carry on you could relapse. Please think about yourself, your DH and your child before letting this man manipulate you again. Tell him if he ever mentions weight again you won't have a relationship with him.

upthewolves - your post is shocking, absolutely shocking and what makes it even more so is your calm acceptance of it. You say you really don't want to hurt him but he thinks nothing of sending someone who had an ED an email headed gluttony.

I agree with everyone who has said that you must tackle this before he arrives for your wedding. I think you may find it easier to put the words in writing rather than confront him directly.

If you have a DD in the future & he does the same to her you will end up being NC. You will want to protect your child from harm so start protecting yourself.

I would tell him to stay away but I sense that you would not do that whatever happens.

People die from eating disorders, your father is a dangerous man.

It sounds like he is overall a loving father.

But sometimes people have one giant massive blind spot. This is clearly his.

Yes I think this is exactly right. He doesn't sound deliberately cruel, just shallow and self-absorbed and misguided. I'm sure he thinks he's motivated out of love, and wanting what he perceives as the best for his girl.

I know I have particular anxieties or exacting standards about certain things that I endlessly project onto my children. Hopefully not to the degree that will cause lasting damage or low self esteem, but I know I do it. I can't help it. We all do it, to an extent. It's part and parcel of wanting to give your child the best of everything, including the benefit of your wisdom on where they are going wrong with everything.

But every now and again mine (young adults) will say 'FFS Mother, what is with you, constantly going on about XYZ? Why can't you just accept that our priorities are not the same as yours, and be less controlling/neurotic/stressy about it?'

If you are not very careful you can lose sight of what is a normal level of parental nagging and dishing out of unsolicited advice, (and we all know our children sometimes need to hear certain things for their own good) and when you have lost the plot and tipped the balance into unacceptably controlling, undermining, obsessive and plain toxic.

It's not that they'll think you don't love them at all but that they think you might love them a bit more if only you were more like this, or less like that…..and that your continuing love and support is very much conditional upon them fulfilling your very exacting standards and conditions.

And there may come a time when their need to be happy within themselves far outweighs their need to keep seeking your love and approval. And where does that leave you? Old, alienated and lonely, that's where.

It can be very hard to step back as a parent and see when you need to just let go of something. Especially if you are are a big ball of neuroses like me, and you truly believe your child's long term success and happiness would be massively improved if only they'd take your advice. But sometimes we lack the clarity of thought to see that what's important to us doesn't have to be that important to our them, in order for them to feel happy and fulfilled. And ultimately their responsibility is to themselves, not to us.

I have read this same post but some many many months ago - that's weird ??

on this board or somewhere else? With the impending wedding and everything?

Anyway, whether it was (weirdly) exactly the same or not, I think if the OP is genuinely going through this (either exactly as it is written now, or some similar version of it in the past) then it's irrelevant and our advice still stands and is still useful.

Sometimes if you have a problem that really eats away at you your while life then you might need to offload it several times, in several versions over a long time frame!

whole life

I think you need to email your dad telling him that you cannot BELIEVE he has sent you that article. That he pretty much GAVE you anorexia, and to this day he continues to criticise your body and appearance.
Tell him hes not welcome to stay with you.

Dont worry about sounding harsh. He needs to know its a big problem.

Your poor thing. My IL's are like this. In their case they both have low self esteem and because they were all naturally thin they felt this equated to being superior. My SIL ended up with an eating disorder and psychological problems. None of which was acknowledged. She was superior because she was thin.

Then they started on the grandchildren when they were born. My Ds was poked and prodded and they told me he was fat. Phoned constantly to tell me to stop feeding him. He was 75th centile for height and 20th for weight- so a stick of a thing. I put a stop to it and told them the shape and size of DS was never to be mentioned again. Because I was slightly overweight they assumed DS would be too.

My SIL's child on the other hand was a cute chub of a wee thing and they cant cope- neither can she really. It's better now she is a toddler as she has lost some of her baby fat but my MIL said the other day that she wishes SIL would have another baby to see if they got a better physical specimen. I was totally horrified.

You need to tell him what you wrote in your OP. That his obsession made you ill. He will start on your child next if you don't- even if you are on the other side of the world.

That poor little girl has a lifetime of misery ahead of her PTA

Can you 'laugh' it off? "Oh you and that unrealistic bee in your bonnet about weight" type of thing?

I think one is particular vulnerable when pregnant. The need to protect oneself and the baby is paramount so other people's misplaced 'concern' can effectively 'break' a relationship.

I had my daughter when I was in my late thirties. I have never forgiven my father for ring me up and saying that if I was carrying a child with Down's Syndrome, he would have absolutely no problem about my having a termination.

I would give him a clear warning. He may not be able to control his own obsession. But he owes it to you, to try really hard to control what he says and writes to you.

Gosh, I am really quite overwhelmed by this responses, have been quite teary reading them all but in a good way because I think it has helped me to realise that a) this isn't all in my head, it really is unacceptable and b) I should feel proud of what I've achieved so far because getting a handle on the eating disorder is a huge deal, in the face of all this.

I haven't ever had a thread about this before, perhaps I have alluded to it in a past post but certainly never made a post to address this issue. You definitely haven't read this exact post before IvyKaty, I wrote it this afternoon and can assure everyone I am a completely genuine poster.

I have read every one of your comments and it is clear what I need to do. Some of them were hard to read, particularly ones that suggested I should go no contact or tell him he can't come to the wedding etc although I understand why you say that. Thing is, this is one aspect of him. He has been a supportive and loving father in many other ways. I know his behaviour is wrong but I honestly believe he would be shocked and mortified if he read this thread as it doesn't occur to him that what he does is wrong - that's the problem.

Clearly, though, it is wrong, and I am now going to face it head on. I came home and chatted about this with my DP. He was surprised I had started the thread and if anything it fired him up more about it all because the collective support of the posters has validated his own opinion that this whole thing is, in his words, completely fucked up.

I've promised DP I'm going to reply to the email laying out clearly why it is inappropriate and requesting that my eating habits and weight are no longer a subject for discussion. I'm also going to tell him that the struggles I have had with my eating have been ongoing for many years, as I believe he thinks I was sort of 'fixed' when I was younger when in reality I've been in the care of 4 different professionals over the years and it's only since moving here that one has been able to help me - probably because I was finally in the right emotional place to move on from it all. I'm very concerned about causing hurt and upset and don't know how to get over that. I wanted to come at the email from a position of 'this is how I want you to support me from now on' but DP has said I have to be really strong and not ask for his support, make it clear he has done more harm than good, otherwise he will still try and manipulate. I'm going to write the email now, sleep on it, then send it tomorrow.

For those who asked, he is staying with me for a week, then staying with some friends of ours as we have other friends staying the week of our wedding. We have a lot of family coming here for the wedding so I won't be on my own with him. Also my brother is staying the whole time. Interestingly, he is very against my dad's view on body size and will 100% back me up. I opened up to him about all this when I was in the UK last year and it upset him a great deal to hear how I had to reacted to what he saw was ridiculous ideals from dad.

I can't thank you all enough for all your lovely words. I will update you.

One more thing, I will 100% protect my child from this whatever it takes. Honestly, I was so worried about having a child with an eating disorder that for a long time I wasn't sure I was going to have children (I also wasn't sure whether I physically could because my periods were often missing in action or completely irregular). That was a heartbreaking prospect for me though because I love children and realised that my determination not to watch someone else go through this meant I was in a good place to prevent it. I grew up listening to my mum talk about her weight and will never discuss weight in front of my DC or restrict what they eat based on it being good/ bad. I remember my mum telling me once, when I was munching my way through grapes, that I had to stop or I'd get fat. I was confused by this and said 'but aren't grapes healthy? Why would they make me fat' and she replied 'Anything will make you fat if you eat a lot of it'. I was young and it really stuck with me and I felt unable to regulate how much was too much afterwards, which was scary - I was eating the grapes because I was hungry! I will not tolerate any such comments around my kids and if that means they don't see their grandparents, that will have to be it (which will be awful, but hey).

Bloody hell op this is probably one of the worst threads I've seen !

You have done marvellously to get through all this.

I honestly would have gone NC with him. I really hope you and your lovely dp tell him to STFU and how massively abusive and inappropriate his behaviour is. You need to pre warn him before he comes x

You will not be able to protect your child from this man OP if he continues with this destructive obsession. Either he changes or cut him out of your child's life.

Oh dear - another instance of the obsessions of the parents being visited on the children! They have a problem and have unforgivably dumped it on you when you were vulnerable. Now that you have some insight take charge - either tell you Dad a lot of made up funny stuff about your weight to send a fool further or tell him this is a no go area and it is really none of his business (and perhaps he needs to see a psychotherapist!).

well done, OP.

The reason I said myself that maybe he should not come to the wedding is this:

This clearly an incredibly deep rooted obsession with him. Even if he wants to stop making comments, with the best will in the world he may very well not be able to. Certainly not stopping dead with them.

Becuse you're pregnant your hormones, emotions and sometimes intellectual processes are all over the place. It's not just crap legend, it's physiological processes. I'm thinking that the combination of him probably not being able to stop making comments straight off + you being in an extremely vulnerable state now pregnancy wise is a potentially very bad combo.

I don't doubt he loves you and that he really cares for you, you are clear on that. But the timing to get him to change his behaviour is really unfortunate because habit sticks and takes a long time to change - especially a decades long incredibly deeply seated obsession like his.

After the birth is a different situation and timing. But these months are particularly important.

If you are sure you can handle the comments without a relapse, then him staying away isn't necessary. But your strong reaction to his email, boht angry and vulnerable, does make me wonder.

Also, perhaps your husband could arrange for the emails to go directly to him first so he can vet them for weight-related refs? You don't need this shit atm.

Thank you Joyful x

Yes, I know, it is pretty horrible when I write it all down. Joking aside cdwales, I do think he needs to see someone about all this. I should mention he is also critical of his own weight - he carries a bit on his tummy but nothing major, he's in pretty good shape at 65. He was telling me he had been planning to get really fit and lose weight for his trip to Aus and I asked him why, I mean, it isn't like we'll be doing anything he needs to be fit for - he had no answer. Last year he split from his partner and was very lonely and tried internet dating. He didn't call back two different women who were by his own admission lovely and when I asked why he said they were overweight and that was a complete deal breaker. I must admit I felt the ladies had a lucky escape. I bet they weren't overweight either.

Thank you Meerka, some good things to think about x

OP, you cant afford for the sake of your physical and mental well-being, to have him in your house for a whole week.

Even if you email him and he promises to 'try hard' he WILL slip - a whole week right there in your house is a LONG time.

He might be a 'good dad' with a huge blind spot but the damage that has caused is huge too.

Best of luck with your email.

It needs sending.

I have read this thread open-mouthed, how anyone can think this is appropriate behaviour towards someone who has had an ED, but more than anything is their child (you know, loving you always whatever), I am quite shocked.

One thing though- don't make this about solving your dad's issues. You say he needs to see someone- but that's up to him. It's so important that you are able to set your own boundaries, however difficult on this one. Leave him to sort out how he stops being a twat over this or if he wants to bother. The trouble is you sound very nice and caring, and you may end up seeing him as the victim here, whereas your first priority is to help you and help your family remain stable and to remove this extremely negative environment of constant comment on your weight. I agree with everyone, a brief email should be a starting place.

OP - you say you are worried about "hurting" your father.

But to be frank he needs to be hurt - I really don't think him or your mother have faced up to the fact that your eating disorder is a result (at least partly) of their actions.
A friend who was treated for Anorexia recently had to go through family therapy, and to be honest I think your parents needed this- to point out what they are doing.

Read some of the relationship threads. People are rarely always bad, but the good bits don't make up for the bad/harmful ones.

OP, I just wanted to say that I think sending the email is an excellent idea.

My mother used to be like your father. She would comment all the time about my weight, make negative jibes about fat people, restrict food, maintain a constant level of chuntering about health foods etc. etc. etc. She is incredibly anxious around food and health, and cannot eat fat or unhealthy things - it will literally make her hysterical and ill if she does, though if she eats something unknowingly, she is fine. As I got older, I began to realise that this was a result of her own upbringing - my grandmother is equally obsessed with weight though in a slightly different way (for my Mum, it's about health, for my grandmother, it's based on looks). All three of my grandmother's children have significant eating problems as a result of her poor parenting. To make matters worse, my Mum grew up in rural poverty where food was not plentiful, and was given too much responsibility at too young an age by my grandmother, with the result that she would worry about the food bill aged 8 or 9, and particularly about my grandfather's purchase of treats like ice cream. I wonder if something similar could be the case for your father, because it sounds like he is himself ill, even though he would never admit that.

I also suffer from alternating bouts of anorexia and weight gain - haven't had one of the former for about 5 years though, fingers crossed. In the end, the thing that changed things was when my partner had a sharp word with my Mum, explaining how much I had suffered. (This was not planned, it just happened - it would have been better if I had done it for myself but I was in tears at the time - again, showing the hurt that the comments created helped). The comments haven't completely gone away, but she makes more of an effort now. Because the intention behind her attitude was always, bizarrely, to be supportive (even though it wasn't!!) pointing out that they actually made the situation worse was very effective. I do have to give periodic reminders that eating problems don't really ever fully 'go away', but it's much easier now.

OP you've had great advice on here and I have nothing to add to it, except that, further to your email I think it would be useful to have a short mantra that you say in reply to any future comments about weight (unfortunately they will likely happen until the penny finally drops). Something like, 'I have explained to you why this topic is off limits'. Just keep repeating 'this topic is banned' every time he does it until he stops.

I wanted also wanted to telly you that my father is similar, if a bit less extreme. He is obsessed with food and weight and 'shape'. He has always been fit and trim despite his love of food. He hates fat. And generally makes comments on people's bodies.

Typical examples: after my sister's first child my father patted her tummy and said 'What are you doing to lose the baby weight'? After a recent family gathering I commented that my aunt had looked nice; he replied 'her dress clung to her back-fat and made her look fat'. He told a family friend 'You're looking much bigger'.

I don't believe now, as you do, that it's all entirely innocent. I think it's negative and insensitive: at best mean-spirited, and at worst intended to undermine. My father seems to think he thinks he's entitled to control the bodies of the women in his family, and to comment on them freely. I think he wants us to manifest his values as regards 'fat' and represent him the way he wants. I'm not sure he likes women's bodies very much.

Luckily my sister and I were far too lazy to get an ED. I don't like being too hungry or too full. I have told him that it's extraordinary that neither of us developed one as he did his best to fuel it. However, I have always been slim, and if I put on weight and I'm going to see my father I think 'better not wear that or he'll comment on my non-existent 'tummy'.

He makes much less comments than he used to because we lay into him when he does. He's slowly got the message.