Dad's obsession with my body

[User24689]

Hello MNers
I am after some advice/ thoughts on an issue that’s been going on a long time and wondered if anyone else had had to deal with anything similar. Sorry in advance for the length.

My dad has always been very preoccupied with weight and food – he loves food and cooking, Irish family, always thinking about what he’s going to create for the next meal etc but at the same time both my parents were always very critical of other people’s weights. As a child I had a clear sense that being overweight was wrong and that it was something that happened to other people but wouldn’t happen to me. When I went through puberty I started gaining weight in totally normal places but worried about it a lot, and my worries were completely reinforced by both my parents. I was encouraged to diet so that I didn’t get fat and spent a good few years battling it before eventually settling with my different figure, which there was no fighting of course, and feeling like I’d failed. As my weight fluctuated in my teens, my dad took me running with him, I wasn’t allowed to eat the same things as my younger brother, and I became increasingly anxious about it until I started properly restricting my food around age 16. I was very distressed, though I did lose a lot of weight, and my weight loss was praised at home so I carried on. By the time I was 18 and at uni I was restricting dangerously and was diagnosed anorexic. I eventually reached out to my parents, my mum was very supportive but dad found it really hard and never talked to me about it. I gained the weight back and he continued to speak about food and weight in the same way as if it had never happened.

I continually relapsed into my eating disorder for a further 10 years. 8 years ago I met my wonderful fiancé who I am marrying in 3 weeks’ time and 4 years ago we moved to Australia which was the best thing I could have done for my mental health because my parents don’t see my body so can’t comment on it. We have a good relationship generally. I have had a few bad relapses regardless and after a few years of really good counselling here I finally considered myself recovered a year ago. I gained weight, my periods came back and I before Christmas I fell pregnant :) Life is so good for me right now and I am so proud that I beat the ED because I honestly thought I would live with it forever (I’m now 30).

The problem is, my dad still can’t let go of this obsession and still asks me about my weight, what exercise I’m doing etc. He is not being mean, he thinks he is being caring and I don’t want to hurt him because I know he adores me. My parents are now divorced, that happened 10 years ago, and I believe that my mum couldn’t cope with his obsession with this either because she is very funny about food herself these days and I think it must all be related. Since I have been pregnant he has been quizzing me on whether I’m showing, like that is a bad thing. At the weekend, he arrives for my wedding and will be staying with us for 2 weeks. I am so, so anxious about both of my parents reactions to my weight gain – I haven’t gained much at all through pregnancy but they don’t realise I gained 10kg before that even happened!

It has all come to a head for me this morning as I have received an email from Dad titled ‘gluttony’ and attached is an article about weight gain in pregnancy and how the biggest contributor to the “obesity crisis” is pregnant women eating badly and giving birth to overweight babies who are then predisposed to be overweight (think that’s the gist, couldn’t bear to read it). Watching my body change in pregnancy is a massive challenge for me as it is and the title of the email brought me immediately to tears, it was like being slapped.

Has anyone been through anything like this with a family member? How can I deal with him? My husband to be has a difficult relationship with him because he has a lot of anger about my past and I really don’t want to start married life with them falling out and me feeling awful. This is supposed to be a happy time. :(

Also just want to make it clear I don’t blame my parents for my eating disorder – I chose that behaviour myself for a lot of reasons. I would never want to upset any MNers who have a child with an ED. These are just my personal circumstances.

I would agree with everything that has been said. And I would add that, difficult though it is to do, you need to tackle this for your child too. I know he lives far away but how will you feel when he starts asking about the weight of your daughter?

Well day to day you shouldn't have a problem with your father as you have moved to the other side of the world and it sounds like you have made good progress with your eating disorder.

So you have to get through this stay. You have to tell him the truth. Respond to his email and explain how much it upset you and why. And put boundaries in place for when he stays ie he is not to talk about your weight, food etc. He has to accept you as you are.

I can understand how upset you are and I don't know how it hasn't all blown up before. Does he know how you have suffered? It is very weird and he must have massive issues.

I think you should email him before he gets there. It means you can get it all off your chest before he gets there. If he starts when he gets there as a pp suggested have a stock line "not this AGAIN dad. Let it go". Or "my body, my choice" and then walk away if change the subject.

Yy to email. Then if it comes up, "as I said in my email, dad, weight is not a subject for discussion" and walk away.

my narcissiatic dad gave me an eating disorder as a teenager with his constant commenting on my appearance/ figure/, portion size/other peoples figures/ his own figure/his partners figure etc
I think im starting to get over it. Ive even confronted him. I told his partnera couple of years ago. She said that she gets the same comments if she eats too much. She has crohns and is very very small which he thinks is great.
Ive not spoken to him in nearly a year after having some really helpful therapy and aftee he started on my 14 year old ds

I'm afraid I wouldn't be giving a flying fandango about his upbringing or any possible issues your dad may have as a result. That's his problem. You've done the work on yourself, and are now in a lovely, happy position. Congratulations on all of that, and now you owe it to yourself, your lovely husband-to-be, and your precious child, to step up to the plate, and tell your dad exactly how much pain he has caused you in the past. That you are now a healthy, whole person, and you intend to stay that way.

I'm fully aware how hard it's going to be for you to do that, but lean on your man. Let him protect you, in a way that your dad never did. Grab your happy new life with both hands, and don't look back.

Hard as it is, you do need to tell him to stop and tell him exactly what he has done to you.

Since childhood, you have put his needs and his feelings ahead of your own, ahead of your body, ahead of your mental health, now as an adult you risk putting his needs and feelings ahead of your relationship and you risk ahead of your child. It is very dangerous for him to be saying such kind of things to a pregnant woman with a history of eating disorder.

It has to stop. I think it would be better for you to have the conversation before he comes. It may prove too difficult for you when he is actually here.

If the price to be paid is that your dad is upset, it's a price worth paying.

I haven't really got any helpful advice but it sounds like you have been incredibly strong and you can't let your dad ruin your future and especially your pregnancy. I think a reply to the email saying you know he didn't intend to upset you but that you found it very hard to read and that when he comes to visit you would really appreciate it if he doesn't talk about weight or food because of your past issues with anorexia. Make it really clear so he can't ignore it any more. Then when hes here make sure your dh supports you and sticks up for you as I'm sure he will- he sounds amazing. take care and keep being so strong!

The only reply to that revolting email is to say to him that you and Dh have decided that it's best if he finds his own accommodation while in Aus.

Refuse to discuss this, or weight or anything else with him. Use the stock phrases about your health care team, about you being happy the way you are and actually that he's a freak for treating you like this and there won't be any further contact with him if he doesnt stop immediately.

He'll be on your turf, he can suck it up or ftfo.

Don't rmail him rhis thread, esp. if it's your usual nickname!

You need to tackle it before he comes, not once he's at yours.

Gosh, reading the first few paragraphs of your OP made me feel sick. My dad is your dad. But the worst thing, is my dad is overweight himself, this making all the criticism and control all the more hard to stomach, as he is just a massive hypocrite.

Anyway- I dealt with this by being painfully blunt. I said I can't listen to comments like that, I find it really unhelpful and upsetting, and it's dangerous for my physical and mental health. Email him this. Say it before he can start. Tell him you've discussed this with your counsellor and that this is the only time you're going to talk to him about food, weight and body size.

I really hope it works for you, things with my dad are so much better now i have done this.

Yes, my dad is overweight too and used to make all sorts of comments about my body shape when I was a teenager. It stopped once I was in my mid twenties thank god, but was horrid to deal with. I am NC with him now because of his general lack of respect for any boundaries I might have. He literally believes he has the right to do and say whatever he likes to me.

dontdrink has given some excellent advice, as have many others.

Only thing I would add is that you say you feel guilty for moving away. From what I can see, your dad is the one who should feel guilty for controlling you to the point where you had to move away.

You sound like an incredibly strong person. I've had family members with EDs who unfortunately didn't come out the other side. It sounds like youve got an incredibly healthy attitude to your life. Good luck with the wedding and baby!

Can I just add it the comments saying you have to email him before he comes. For your sake, you need to get this done before he arrives, otherwise it will be preying on your mind.

It sounds like he is overall a loving father.

But sometimes people have one giant massive blind spot. This is clearly his.

It's triggered a lot of damage in the past. Agreed that the only person who can handle the ED is you, but the stage was set by him and he pushed you onto it.

But you're in an even more dangerous position now. You're pregnant. You CANNOT risk a relapse. as a matter of looking after yourself and the baby no matter how much you love your father, I think you have to send that mail and tell him that he cannot refer to your weight or looks at all.

I think you need to make it clear that if he does, one comment at all and he will have to go and stay in a hotel. That you love him, but you cannot see him again. That he does not realise the dangerous damage he has done and you understand it, but that if you have to make a choice between your and the baby's health and him, you will choose the baby until you are no longer pregnant and finsihed breastfeeding. That this makes you very sad as you do love him, but if a choice is forced this is the one you make.

can he please let you know what he will do? will he be able to not make or refer to your weight/appearance in any way at all, or is it better if he doesn't come? and that you put all future emails into a folder apart becuase of the stuff like obese-in-preg mails?

Of course you do have to follow up. That means you finding that hotel and being willign to check him into it and not see him again.

Actually the more I think about this, I don't think he will be able to help himself and actually, I think it's better if he doesn't come. maybe send an email laying out straight about the mails from him about weight and food.

In ordinary times you could work on this over time and ride the waves of up and down. But right now you're pregnant and you seriously do not want to risk a relapse. Being around him is just too dangerous.

Will you be replicating his behaviour with your DC? Of course not. Why not? Because it is totally unacceptable and not how someone who has the best interests of their child at heart acts.
I'm glad your ED is something you feel you have more control over. That sounds like a real positive to me. You know what you also have control over? Your boundaries and how you respond when they are breached. You are perfectly entitled to make it clear to your father that any talk of weight is not acceptable, and I would concur with PPs that this should be done BEFORE he arrives. If he chooses to disregard this, it tells you everything you need to know about the level of respect he has for your opinions and feelings. You would then be perfectly entitled to ask your father to spend his time elsewhere and he would have no one to blame but himself.
Please don't let your sense of duty to your father and your fear of him override your right to a happy, healthy and stress free pregnancy wedding.

He is being mean. It's hurtful and rude to continuously comment on a child, then woman's weight. I assume he knows you have battled annorexia? Tell him to shove his 'advice' where the sun don't shine. Put it this way, would you do that to your child? He won't like it, but he needs to be put in his place. Just because he's your dad, doesn't mean he can behave this way.

pregnancy and wedding

Is he coming for the wedding? How long is he staying?

I would suggest he does a tour or something and only stays with you minimum time. How can he change the habits of a lifetime. The guilt of putting him off is probably less than the stress of having him stay with you. Having anyone hanging around all day is wearing.

You do not have to keep putting his feelings ahead of yours; I am wondering if you are still seeking approval from him and your mother (and I am not at all surprised they are no longer together). Their behaviours also led you into developing an ED.

He should do the decent thing here and not attend but he will.

I think your dad will end up staying somewhere else because he is bound to start on your appearance as soon as or soon after he arrives. If he starts at all there must be no tolerance at all from you or your H to be. A clear and consistent boundary from you both to him needs to be maintained. Your dad should also find his own accommodation as well, none of this helping him with finding this. He's an adult after all.,

He is a toxic influence on your life and frankly needs cutting out from it. He was a bad influence as a father to you and will likely act similarly when it comes to any grandchildren. Infact I would keep him well away from your child.

Interesting that your STB DH is on guard when he meets your father. Is your father really a wonderful man? Sometimes others see things that family/insiders miss, or minimise, or normalise. Your STB DH has probably seen how your father is mentally abusing you, and can't say anything against your 'wonderful' father, as you won't hear it.

I agree with laying the groundrules well before the wedding, for your own mental health. Be strong and repeat 'I am healthy, and strong, and carrying a whole smaller being inside me. I need to be strong, not frail and underweight.'

Good luck.

It sounds as if your father has an eating disorder himself ?

I could have written this post, both my parents have been obsessive about mine and my sister's weight since we were teenagers. Everything they do turns around food, fat/callories/vitamins in food. They obsess about exercise.
My sister and I both moved abroad. Neither of us have confronted our parents, instead we share very little with them. My sister hardly sees them, I have a DS which they see every couple of months. I really struggle to trust them with my DS and don't want to leave them unsupervised.
Their visits aren't pleasant as everything they do annoys me, I challenge them on it, we argue.
I wish I had confronted them about the damage they had done re food and exercise but I just can't find the strength as I know they won't be able to see how it's their fault.
Sorry I have no real advice but good luck OP! Congrats on your pregnancy, wedding and I'm glad you have such a supportive DH. I couldn't imagine my life without mine.

my ILs are obsessed with their weight and exercise. to the point of telling us how much weight they've "lost" after having a poo. They diet like mad over November and early December so they can stuff their faces through Christmas. Maybe your dad has food issues himself, sees gluttony as a sin or fears the loss of control that unchecked eating will lead to.

In other words, he is projecting his own fears onto you and has done for years. Now he projects those same obsessive thoughts onto his life partners.

I would agree that you need to tackle this before he arrives. And I would ask him to look deep into himself to discover why he is so obsessed and why he cannot acknowledge that the issue is with him, not you.

Id also tell him that his grandchild is your number one priority, and you will not be compromising his/her wellbeing through poor nutrition, nor will you be risking your own health for his obsession.

And mean it.

You need to get to a place where you stop wanting your dad's approval of your lifestyle choices. Would he love you any less if you gained 5kg? 10kg? 100kg? Would you love your child less if they weighed more? Is your weight the only thing he can see of you? Does he not also love your humour, your laugh, your intellect, your quirks? Its like he is saying that the ONLY thing he loves is your body, in which case he has even greater problems than he cares to admit to.

Email him and tell him it's too dangerous, that his last email shows you clearly that he is still obsessed with weight, and tell him that you must protect your unborn child by remaining healthy, tell him he will ruin your mental health if he arrives and fulls your head with worries about weight.
Tell him his behaviour is not normal.
Tell him his behaviour is the reason you moved to the other side of the world.

You need to do this and do it before he turns up. One and I mean ONE mention of weight and he needs to leave.