How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

Stacey - thank you. I'm attempting to look at my wages and the way it's set up.
It's currently clear as mud but I'll keep writing it down and see what I can learn.
I cannot imagine talking to his accountants. He pays them. They are great business buddies. They'd all get together to shut me out.

You are exactly bang on with your paragraph about wanting to share my new knowledge with him. I want him to see it and see the light. It's SO clear to me It's taking a lot of willpower not to. But I haven't.
He's playing new games with my head today and it's exhausting.

How well does your friend know you ?
Do you trust his analysis of the situation ?
How do you feel about the plan ?

Well done on making an appointment at the Bank. I know it's all scary but it's just one step at a time . Your company needs to pay the wages into the acount you tell them to . You will know when's it's right to tackle this one

Re accountant - I'd be most suprised if your company accountant is paid by your DH personally and not by the company . So he works for you too. Even if your accountant does your personal tax return and it's put through the company, it has to be disclosed as a benefit .

Who are the other directors and shareholders of the companies ( I mean are they family, employees ? How many employees do you have ? 5? 50 ?

Remember you are legally entitled to all this information , as you are a director of the company . When you became a director, didn't you meet the accountant and have someone explain all the legal duties etc ?

I'm still puzzled by the lack of a tax return

Just to warn you - some days you will be mrs super sleuth detective , cool as a cucumber . And other days you will be a sobbing heap on the sofa . This is quite normal

No. Lol def never ever met anyone to be told duties of being a shareholder. I did sign something that enabled the newest company to have a bank account. Other than that..... Haven't signed anything for ages and ages.
He has three companies. His parent has a few shares in two. I have shares in two ( one different) nobody else does.
I had to double back and read 'how many employees do you have' I was about to say none. Then I realise you meant these companies -still don't thinko f them as mine- I have to say I don't know. Approx 20?30? ( It's easy to count the mangers etc but the lower staff change a lot)
There's a problem moving where my wages go. All wages come to my joint account for about half an hour, then he moves it. If I change banks he couldn't do that. He wouldn't let me. However I intend to move 'my' money next month.

We have recently had our end of year -I recall his stress levels and lots of woe and hassle about end of year. I absolutely did not sign anything....

I'm so so tired at the end of everyday. All this thinking!! I do know somewhere on this thread it was said now I know things I cannot unlearn them
Very true.
He is complaining I am not affectionate or being very chatty.
No shit Sherlock!!!!!! I don't know quite how to stop him 'trying' to talk or hug me.... Not without a huge fight and I'm not ready yet.

Btw - my lovely friend really helped with that very simplistic plan idea. I can see steps I can do. Bloody Easter holidays holding everything up. Am I right that citizens advice offers free legal advice?

You can let him talk to you if you want to . Or if you think it might be useful .

You don't have to say very much or reveal what's going on in your head . You can just agree with him

Yes you're right, I am a bit depressed right now.
I can't really think straight.
I don't know how I feel
I'm a bit tired and confused
Yes I'm sure you're right
Yes I will try harder
Maybe I'm run down, perhaps I should take some multi vitamins
Maybe it's my hormones

He will get bored aftre a while

If you have 30 employees , it's not some tiny company . You must have a bookkeeper who does invoices , pay roll , credit control etc .

You do know, don't you, that's he's extrenely financially abusive ? The moving your wages after 30 mins is so weird . I guess he does it that way so the person who does payroll won't find out . And so he can demonstrate to HMRC that's it's actually your wages and not a device to evade tax

I don't know if you can get free legal advice at CAB. But your business situation is quite complicated and no one can sort it out in half an hour . You need to do as much detective work as possible befroe your Dh suspicions are aroused and he starts Moving / hiding things .

Yes he has a bookkeeper.
I am told my wages are only mine because of saving tax so he moves them to pay bills/house stuff after they arrive at my account. Leaving behind my allowance.
I assume because I get an allowance he's not financially abusive?
Tho money is certain one big control thing to him. He might give me some 'extra' money, he might not. He gives money instead of attention that I do know. Truly rubbish substitute.

Tell me again what I need to know/have on a piece of paper before any one can help.
This is SO hard. I don't know any of it :(

CAN should give free advice but women's aid may also sign post you to alternative financial advice places.II guess it's hard for you to know what questions to ask the accountants and so on.

CAB not CAN...

Thank you.
What I need -mentally I think- is to have legal facts in front of me. -if you walk now you are entitled to part of the house, this money this help etc etc. Because right now I feel so stuck. He holds all the cards - house money kids car etc. So I don't mind if CAB can't give me exact amounts etc just that they can help with the 'entitled to' part.
What I absolutely cannot have is any solicitor or accountant asking DH or his people questions and making waves.

Hope this link helps you understand that what he is doing with your wages is financial abuse

What is financial abuse

Sort of.
Thank you for the link. Going crazy with loneliness tonight so off to read entire site there!

Rights for Women will give you free legal advice. They are recommended by women's aid so they are used to working with women in abusive relationships.

it may as clear as mud at the moment but there will come a time when it is all much clearer. he may be a crook duck and dive - and you may never unearth every convoluted strand to this - but there's enough on paper. He can't hide everything.

Is there any way you can get into his office? As part of your 'I'm depressed/directionless' charade you could suggest a little job at the office to 'give you something to do'. Keep up the blonde act though!

Failing that, where does he keep the keys? Though I suspect the building will be alarmed and you'll need the codes...

You have plenty of time, Wait. Don't feel you have to get all this done yesterday. Its been going on for decades so you can take your time unravelling it.

Well done, Wait. You are doing so well. These are the hard days

It's now I feel crazy. It's lonely it's like I imagined the shouting version of him. I have nobody to talk to this late all my friends are home in their normal worlds. I'm not sure how f I want to scream and run away or just slink into bed

A solicitor can tell you what you might be entitled to in general . But you can get that info online

So she might say that in general, you get half the house . But if you don't know how much your mortage is , that won't actually help you . Your house might be worth £500k but if he's remortaged it, you might have little equity in it . Or alternately , you might be mortgage free .

Do you know what other properties he owns ? does he have off shore accounts ? What about his pension ?

You might know that you own 30% of a company . But if you don't know the turnover and profit, that's not much use . Do you make £500k a year or £500 profit ? He might be moving money from one company to another . You know, like Amazon and Starbucks , who make hardly any profit in the UK . But shed loads elsewhere .

You might get half of his pension and what's in his bank acounts. But you have to find them first .

It depends what is counted as a marital asset or not , in the laws of your country . Or what spousal maintenance you might get .

Like others here, I suspect he's been up to some pretty dodgy dealings . That's good for you, because he means he will be very scared of the inland revenue .

I'm not sure how straight your accountant is either. But I don't know enough about it to be sure.

You can get information about your own companies here .

www.gov.uk/government/organisations/companies-house/about/about-our-services#free-info

No solicitor or accountant you instruct will contact your Dh without your permission . But I honestly think you need to get more details first . Once your Dh finds out that you are curious, he's might start moving stuff and hiding information .

When things are out in the open, you will be able to get all the things like management accounts, he can't refuse you access as you are a shareholder .
As you are a signatory on the bank accounts, you can see everything there too .

But I suspect that's down the line a bit for you .

It is a lot of thinking, it tires you out because it is emotionally draining, your brain tries to think about an awful lot of 'what ifs'

Remember to be kind to yourself, you have come a long way in a short space of time, so like other posters have said, one minute you can feel like you can conquer all, the next you will be crying, just roll with it and try not to beat yourself up about any of it.

The fact you are do in the dark when it comes to money tells me it is abuse, all of his behaviour is aimed at controlling you,me gives you the allowance to keep you sweet, and so you think he is being lovely.
It is much more clever... If he were to be out and out cruel then you would just tell him to fuck off.
Instead he has manipulated you over years, so you end up not trusting your own instincts.

However, once you see the abuse, control, manipulation it is like a light bulb moment, you will just get stronger and stronger.

My advice is don't react to words/threats, they are just that, all aimed at getting you back under control, hard to do but just reply and remain totally calm, even if you later blub to yourself!

I am grateful for the replies every single time I log in here. They keep me going.
It's truly weird being me right now. I feel like I have every emotion under the sun going on and yet am unable to speak properly or put into words how I feel about him.
He can still make me jealous of other women he likes and yet I really don't like him being in the same room as me right now. What is that all about? I like logical understandable feelings and nothing really makes sense anymore.

He's not happy. This is the second day he's not had coffee brought to him in bed and he's finally noticed I am not myself. He's driven off for breakfast out and is furious
So it begins. Another day of little me not being perfect.

You are living two realities, of course you feel weird.

You are in fact the most perfect "you" that there could possibly be. He wants something else and is trying to mould you into a fairy tale character that simply does not exist in the real world.

YOU ARE PERFECT! You are the perfect WaitWhatOh...there isn't another one, you are the only one, so how can you not be?

Keep posting. You can't see how utterly awesome you are just yet, but soon, you will look back and be astounded by your strength and resourcefulness. You really will!

Have a Google of cognitive dissonance.

I have got stuck
I used to be able to stop this feeling by just being lovely to him again. But now
I can't.
I just don't feel much other than numb. So I can't pretend it's all lovely. Or hug him very well or be jolly. I am flat. Quiet. Sad. And I can't shake it off.

Oh well, don't worry, you're breaking through some powerful stuff and you're bound to feel disorientated.

So he's had a major tantrum because you didn't bring a coffee to his lordship in bed this morn. Honestly, Wait, it's hard to have any respect for someone who behaves like that.

And that's the least of it, as you are beginning to discover

Do something nice for you today, something you enjoy. Let yourself get lost in it, soak up the goodness of it

The feeling is guilt . You have spent years waiting on him hand and foot. You though you were doing the right thing. So now you feel guilty that you are not doing it any more .

Usually when you feel bad about not being a good enough wife, you try harder . You do something nice for him and hope he will notice and reward you with some attention .

Now you are NOT doing everything you used to . And you don't even WANT his attention .

you have begun to see things differently , to question the status quo. YOu are looking at things from the other side of the mirror and they don't look right any more .

In the past you believed everything your Dh told you . You thought your marriage was normal, perhaps even quite good . You thought the problem was YOU . Now you are not so sure

You tell random strangers on MN about what is happening and they say it's abuse .

You read websites that describe your DH so well, you are convinced the author has met him

You confide in a friend , they are appalled and ask when you are leaving.

You are questioning the whole basis of your life for the last , what, 25 years?

OF COURSE you feel mixed up, guilty, angry , scared , confident, anxious etc . It's normal . There's nothing wrong with you .

It's like the process of childbirth - it's the work you are doing to produce a new life. Only this time it's a new life for you . But it's very hard work .

I think I'm pretty rubbish at hard work
I'm reading stay or leave by Beverly someone. That would be me putting my fate in a book that promises to solve my dilemma .... Simply because I really really am floundering.

He has just walked up to me and said. For goodness sake can you just be nice to me? Smile? Give me kisses?
And I said I'm sorry I just can't
Why?
Because it just doesn't feel right, right now.

At which he turned on his heel and left.

I know - I should of indeed smiled and cheered up, even if fake. But I cant.

And I think, a nicer person might have not turned on their heel and left but stayed and said hey what's wrong?

Right?