How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

Heard back from the FP. She's willing to meet me and show me round first. Now I am bogged down in Easter break and will not be able to go til after. I hope she won't mind.
Thank you all for the support -still- and for the possible book suggestions. I need some support and help tonight -feel like screaming with frustration- so grateful of a good book or two.

I could write and write and write. I apologise for posting so much. Here on this thread is my last string of sanity and some validation I'm not mad or horrible. Xxxxxx

You are not mad.
You are not horrible.

Read back over this thread. Keep reading stuff. It will seep into your brain...this is the truth, not the awful treatment that you've been getting.

Him- pretending to forget (or genuinely not remembering) what you've said; it's a power play. You have no value- he does- so he only has to remember what he has said (even if it's only in his head). This is also known as gaslighting.

Over time, you'll learn how to take back power in your own hands.
As a genuine and nice person, you opened the door to his lies by believing him the first few times that he said he had "forgotten" what you said. Cos we all do that don't we? forget stuff, make mistakes.

Or you picked up the pieces when he failed to do something that you asked him to do (was too busy, too tired, forgot, something else important came up).
He trained you by manipulating your niceness.

You're on the right track- I know this because you are not finding it easy. If it was easy, you'd be staying with old and damaged patterns.
Keep practicing.

I continue to be impressed by how far you've come in such a short time, Wait.

It's not easy, and you're doing great.

Big handhold from a long time lurker on your thread. Your sorrow and confusion and pain really does come across very strongly. Your DH sees it too by the way. He either likes it or doesn't give a shit. Either way, it's not good...

Delighted to hear FP have got back to you. Of course she won't mind if you can't make it over Easter! She's there for you, not the other way around - her job is to facilitate you, to fall in with what you need, with no agenda at all.

He heard you the first time btw.

I seriously doubt he's trying to be better. It is more likely he's trying to come up with new ways to do your head in. The old ways aren't working like clockwork anymore, he has to find ways to up the ante/get you back in his control.

You may feel I'm being cynical. I wish I were Wait. I do know how hard this is to hear though

Keep going, you will get through. Many of us have been where you are now. It's a horrible time but it does pass.

He has a new way of wording things. I hope to god he doesn't realise what he's doing.
He says things like
Love our kids
( yes good. Me too)
Kids we brought up together. We are a good team.
Or
I'm worried about one DC
(She had a nightmare after being a fool watching a scary movie trailer)
I think it's our arguments. We should stop arguing

See both those statements really knocked me. They were -if I am right- aimed to show I have the power to make it all better. If I always stay with him and stop arguing. They felt like a shift of blame. Just tiny innocent words yet.... I heard them. If that makes sense.

He's being manipulative, pushing your guilt buttons:

• implying that you are a team, since you have raised children together (and therefore you can't leave)
• telling you that you aren't allowed to protest ill treatment (since that's an "argument" that allegedly causes your child nightmares)

You are allowed to protest ill treatment, Wait.
And he's no kind of team-mate to you, so you can brush that particular guilt trip right off, too.

"See both those statements really knocked me".

They were intended to.

He KNOWS something has changed, and he is trying to re establish control. That is the bottom line, always. Control. It's hard to get your brain around isn't it? But that's it, control.

BTW, This is YOUR thread and you can post as many times as you like. They can be as long as you like, you can cover the same thing a million times if you want, because this space is yours, and it is all about you.

Weird huh? I know about invisible....I was invisible too. Here is where you get to practice being visible, being alive, being the real, authentic you.

Like anything, practice makes perfect, so post away to your hearts content.

If the nicer approach doesn't work, just observe how fast he switches back to the blaming; it'll make your head spin even if you aren't surprised.

OP, I've just read your whole thread through. I am in awe of how brave you are, and how your insight has developed. (I hope that doesn't sound patronising, I don't mean it to.)You've had brilliant advice on here, and I'm not qualified to add any more!

I just wanted to say - you talk about feeling stupid and your DS affectionately calling you "blonde", but in your posts you sound the opposite - you're clearly intelligent and thoughtful. Also, you write very well - I hope you go to the creative writing courses that you mentioned. You sound like the sort of person who puts lots of good into the world - don't let him stop you.

I hope you find your freedom

+1 to Lizzie.

I'm afraid that he does know that he has a new way of speaking to you and it is a calculated effort to change you back to your compliant state. He needs you to be broken and subservient.

I know that's hard to hear and part of you doesn't believe me.
I know that you think that there is no way I could know that about your DH.
I know that there is a part of you looking for evidence that all these web-based strangers are wrong.

I also know that I believed people were wrong about my DH.
I believed that he had a good heart and if I could just communicate properly with him, he would see my point of view, and he would understand and that he would try, try to meet me halfway.
I was wrong.

Yes, he would like you to believe that you have the power to make it all better. The corollary of that is that you have the responsibility to make it all better.

Innocent words...but you have been well trained in this language and he knows that he has put your head in a spin.

Think of this as being in a fog...you are walking your way out of it, but you're not clear yet and there will be times when thicker patches obscure the light again. Keep walking.

Goats - yes. Guilt. It's quite a chilling feeling when he says it. Because not only do I have that guilt but I now can hear the phrases in the way he is using them. When he says them I go cold.
He's busy planning a trip this Easter to visit our at uni daughter. I'm doing my best not to dread it as it will be lovely to see her.
Lizzie - um... Thank you. I'm just ordinary at most things but love writing. Thank you for reading my thread too and taking the time to comment. Some times if I read this thread enough I do feel brave. Not strong exactly but brave.
Have to be brave to accept this is the real world and not his version. (As rotten as his version makes me it's nicer than realising your other half plays mind games with you and thinks youre pretty unimportant in the world)

Queen - yes. Something has changed. He knows it, I know it. Feels weird and not massive productive. But.
Annie ... Yes. Lately the cycle of his behaviour has been spinning really fast. I guess that's to keep me on the back foot

I'm still bloody lonely. I still feel like the whole world has a lovely day and mines awful always at some point.
That'll be that fog redoubtable
Today I reached out and spoke to a dear friend who lives far enough away we only see each other every couple of months. She really threw me by crying. It took me ages to work out why she would cry. She was sad for me. That's a new thing. She also said she knew some of it.
The scary thing I find by reaching out and sharing is it makes it more real. So patches of fog help shelter me a bit from some home truths I don't like thinking about.
X

The next time he denies that you told him something, try saying, "Perhaps you should mention these memory lapses of yours to the GP".

You are doing well, WWO. One step at a time.

The cycle of his behaviour is becoming slightly different. I did it. I altered it. Just a tiny bit.
It used to go
His pattern--
Huge row/shouting
Sulk for days
Nasty sly comments
Make a sort of peace by 'forgiving' me.
Be extra nice and charming
A sense of normal life
Bcome difficult and picky
Huge row/shouting
Etc etc
Except now I have added a loop
I ignore his sulking. Then
I am very indifferent once he is talking again and I really can't be all friendly and loving at all.
He is very confused and hurt by this.
I imagine the confusion will fire off another shouting session if it carries on but I feel so detached, so in limbo, of any feelings I can't even fake 'I am fine' anymore.
I am also acutely aware of all the things he's going to do to 'fix' his 'stress' haven't even started. Drs appointment? Not even booked one. Stopped drinking? Nope. Putting down his phone because he's paying attention to me more? Of course not.
If I was feeling very cynical I'd be thinking perhaps he doesn't even want to change.

Well no, of course not. You're the one who's supposed to accommodate him, don't you know?

Erm he is not hurt when he can't control you. He is dismayed and enraged. You should know your place. He has ruthlessly, single-mindedly, trained and trained and TRAINED you to know your place, why is it suddenly not working. He's horrified. Any show of 'hurt' is just emotional manipulation. He'll pull out all the stops, you'll be amazed at the range of manipulations he powers through to get you to heel.

Wait - ive been lurking on your thread and wanted to pick up some comments you made early on, I hope that's ok . Can I give you some homework to do when you feel up to it ?

I want you to find out about the business that you own. You said that you own part of your DHs business. Can you find out things like

It is a sole trader or a limited company ?
What percentage do you own ?
Who owns the rest of it ?
Find out about any employees you have
You said your tax allowance was being " used up " , so you are getting an income from the company . Is it in dividends or salary or both ? How much is it and where does it go ?
Please check your last tax return ( which you will have signed just two months ago ) . Does your accountant prepare it for you ?
You said you've never met your accountant - why is this ?
Do you sign the returns to companies house ( if it's a limted company ) ?
Do you have copies of the last accounts ? If not why not
What's the turnover and profit ?

Please just find out these things for your Own information , I don't mean that you should post about them here. Unless you want to of course , it's your thread !

Do you have your own bank account in your sole name ? One that your Husband can't access in any way , like knowing the passwords .

Please try to find this out without asking your husband . Like a detective .

Today I feel sick. Snooping is always a bad thing. But I did snoop and not only find he's booked several motorbike days away without me knowing or seeing if I am busy etc. But I also found how 'hot' his new members of staff are as he describes them to his best mate. Lovely. I note none of his messages portray any feelings of upset or things being off at home :(

Wow Stacey. Okay I know a little of that stuff. Lots I don't know.
I haven't signed a thing in the last two months ...
It's two ltd companies
I own 40% of one
And 30? Of another.
He pays me yes.
No only a joint bank account and many many in his name.
Copies of the accounts?! Lordy no not only would not know them if I fell over them but that is all kept at his main office not at home.
His accountants meet him there.
I know it's a small wage and then dividends because that's better for tax or something...
I sound REALLY dim don't I?

I do ask sometimes but he literally bamboozles me with business talk and I have no idea what that all means.
I feel very sick and sad today.

Okay I know a little of that stuff. Lots I don't know.

That's ok , you are smart woman and you can find it out . Bear in mind that you are LEGALLY entitled to this information, if you are a major shareholder.

I haven't signed a thing in the last two months ...

Don't you complete a tax return ? That sounds very odd . I'd REALLY like to understand why that is. I'm not an accountant but it sounds very odd to me . Did you submit it early ? When is the end of your companies financial year ?

It's two ltd companies
I own 40% of one
And 30? Of another.

That's excellent news. Even if you can t aces the full management accounts in the short term , you can buy a short version online for £1. In the long term , when you need to , you can get documenst from his office and from the accountants .

He pays me yes.

Good. You need to get this money paid into your OWN account, in your name only . Set up one today . Whe you feel strong enough , Phone the bookkeeper / whoever does payroll and give him / her your new bank details .

No only a joint bank account and many many in his name.

The money in these is a marital asset. It doesn't matter whose name it's in. Please get details of the account numbers, sort codes etc and keep them somewhere safe. Give them to a trusted friend if necessary .

Copies of the accounts?! Lordy no not only would not know them if I fell over them but that is all kept at his main office not at home.

That's ok ,when the time is right you can go there are see copies of all these documents . It's your legal right . I'm assuming that there is another shareholder then, apart from your husband . Or another company director ?

His accountants meet him there.
Yes, but don't you have to meet them to sign documents ? Never mind, when the time is right you can make an appointment to see them at their offices

I know it's a small wage and then dividends because that's better for tax or something...

Yes that's right . You pay less tax on the dividemds . So you coudl get eg £5 k salary and £25k in dividends . These are rough figures BTW and I'm not an accountant or remotely financial. I Only know because we have a small family business too .

I sound REALLY dim don't I?
No you don't , you sounds like you've been treated like a mushroom. It's part of the abuse and it's NOT YOUR FAULT

It doesn't matter that you don't know these things yet , you can soon learn . You will need all this information later

I do ask sometimes but he literally bamboozles me with business talk and I have no idea what that all means.

You, that's part of the abuse too .

You are NOT snooping. You are a detective . You have a legal and moral right to all this information.

Don't ask Dh anything . If he asks you any thing, just say you are depressed / confused / don't know what you feel about anything.

I know you are suddenly getting all these insights into what is going on. And you want to share them with someone . You think that if you explain to him, he will see the light and want to change

He won't. He already knows what's going on. It suits him this way . He will just be angry with you for rocking the boat .

I'm sorry you are feeling sick . But I'm glad you realise that his fake " upset " is just a device to manipulate you . You are stepping through the mirror

And I don't mean to detail you from what you need to be doing right now for YOU. But I didn't want to ignore the financial stuff as you mentioned it early on and I think it would help you in your journey to become more knowledge about YOUR OWN companies and what's been happening. It's all part of seeing the bigger picture .

It's been a big day for me in terms of this.
I have met with a dear friend. They listened. Looked at me and then
asked me when I was leaving. That was a bit... Ouch. Harsh. But. Reaching out and hearing other people's thoughts and opinions really helps. I feel less mad less drama queen.... Less like pretending anymore.
They helped me come up with a plan to feel less stuck. Three point plan.
Find out where I am mentally with a counsellor/therapist for myself.
Find out where I am legally so I don't have to believe he will leave me with absolutely nothing.
And after this legal part -
Approach DH. Tell him by word or letter what's not working and see if he wants to fix it or walk away.
That is important to me- if I lose the fear of what will happen house and money wise if he leaves/throws me out, I can finally speak out.
You might all be sure he will kick off then and maybe he will. But I'll have my facts and know I'm okay. Then he can never say I never gave him a chance.

I also made a very scary appointment with a new bank to open an account in my name. I am dreading the appointment as I know so little about my money but. Gotta do it right?