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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

wondering about giving things another go

101 replies

turquoiseamethyst · 02/03/2015 19:46

I asked DH to leave a couple of weeks ago.

He always had a tendency to be controlling but the older he got the worse he got.

He was financially so controlling - wouldn't let me work, wouldn't let me have a car, would shout at me for not understanding things he did (I just am not as clever as he is) so I wouldn't ask and then I wouldn't know.

He was physically intimidating in front of the children.

Sexually he wouldn't take no for an answer - this was the worst part really.

He was horrible to my friends, meaning I had none left.

Gosh. Anyway, I have to explain with regards to DH - he is hugely damaged himself (as a result I think of losing both parents very suddenly as a teenager - horrible traffic fatality) and after initial HORRIBLE behaviour from him he is now saying he will do anything - counselling, whatever it takes, to get me and the children back.

I have to admit I am in two minds.

Part of me thinks if I was reading this I'd be thinking "no!" but another part wonders if it could work - I do still care for him, in a way.

We have two children and a third due in the summer.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 02/03/2015 19:54

No it won't work. He is abusive. Give your children a better role model.

KittiKat · 02/03/2015 19:59

I was in a very similar relationship to you. I tried a reconciliation. It was the WORST thing I could ever have done. Your husband will not change. My husband got much worse as he got older. The last ten years of our marriage were awful.

I have to repeat myself HE WILL NOT CHANGE.

Also, be very prepared that he will not let you go. He will try ever trick in the book. He will be lovely. He will be angry at times. In his mind you BELONG to him and how dare you try and leave him.

Please don't do it.

DioneTheDiabolist · 02/03/2015 19:59

Don't take him back OP. If he is serious about changing he will do the counselling anyway, for himself. Give it a year and then, if he works on himself and if you both want to get back together then book some couples counseling and take it from there.

Getting back with him now would be a really bad idea.

JegErEnStorNerd · 02/03/2015 19:59

Are you mad!?

Sorry. NO WAY should you get back with him. I left a man like this and it was hard at first but it was worth it.

I know you have another child on the way but having a controlling sex pest in the back ground isn't going to make your life or any part of parenting easier.

If you've successfully managed to get him out of the house then well done because that is not easy.

Please do not take him back. Well. It's your life, but I really really wouldn't. I left my x with two very young children and it was hard, at times, but nothing compared to the grind of living with him.

I also hated my x's entitlement to sex. He would tell me all the jobs I should be doing better round the house, tut me, sigh at me and then expect sex.

If your 'p' is controlling then if you take him back he will rearrange the finances so that it is even harder for you to make a break next time you go getting ideas. It won't warn him to behave better, it will just warn him to take more measures to trap you.

Lweji · 02/03/2015 20:00

Don't do it

pocketsaviour · 02/03/2015 20:03

NOPE NOPE NOPE.

This is part of the classic script for abusers. He has realised you're serious and he's also probably taken legal advice and realised he's got to pay to support his children and probably you. So he thinks he'll be nice and see if you'll go back to "normal" which is him being an abusive bullying rapist(?) and you putting up with it.

If you stand firm against this, he'll flip back to nasty again, then he'll pretend he's got someone else and try to make you jealous, then he might try nice again and finally he'll say he's going to kill himself. Repeat ad nauseam or until you block his phone number.

Original poster

turquoiseamethyst · 02/03/2015 20:05

Yes, it did occur to me it is part of the "script."

Just the same, he was very plausible - which isn't to say he didn't know what he was doing.

I don't much care if he does find someone else, to be honest ... It's just the children I feel so awful for, and about.

OP posts:

Lweji · 02/03/2015 20:06

You've been away two weeks.
At the very least put him on trial, while separated, for at least one year before even considering the possibility of getting back together.
A trial based on one strike and you're off.
No control, full respect for your decision, backing out as much as you ask him, full contribution towards the children and doing his parenting share with the children.
I doubt he will pass the test anyway.

Original poster

turquoiseamethyst · 02/03/2015 20:08

Well, it's difficult at the moment as I don't want him having unsupervised access to the children.

I do know what he's capable of. I suppose I just delude myself I can handle it. I can, mostly, but they shouldn't have to.

Go easy: this pregnancy is hell.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 02/03/2015 20:08

It's not just part of the script OP, it's got a whole section all to itself with a big heading: How He Always Promises To Change (and other lies).

ImperialBlether · 02/03/2015 20:08

So the reason he forced himself on you sexually was because his parents died? No.

The reason he did that was because he was a controlling entitled bastard.

You have taken the biggest step and got rid of him now. If you take him back you'll never get him to leave again.

And the next time he forced himself on you, you'd lie there cursing yourself for taking him back.

trackrBird · 02/03/2015 20:10

If you try again, you will get more of the same, only worse.

He will SAY he will do anything, because he thinks that will bring you back under his control. And it's working, because you're thinking about it.

Someone who can isolate you from your friends, deprive you of transport, money and independence, be physically intimidating in front of your children, and force his attentions on you (you know the word for this) - he's a hardened case, and sounds quite dangerous. He isn't going to change with some good intentions and some counselling.

Please, at least delay your response, if you think you might give in. Give yourself more time.

NickiFury · 02/03/2015 20:10

I would give you about an hour after you let him back before you regretted it, if that.

No, just no way.

Original poster

turquoiseamethyst · 02/03/2015 20:11

I didn't quite mean it like that Imperial

It's like - (and I am NOT justifying it or him, I promise) - but he constantly tries to control the world around him, I think because he's had to, from a young age.

he is a controlling entitled bastard though :)

OP posts:

RandomMess · 02/03/2015 20:11

As someone who has given her relationship a 2nd chance. Absolutely no way what so ever/

My dh had withdrawn and he'd been unwell, he wasn't abusive apart from a bit passive/aggressive but he is self aware and is actively working on it and changing.

Someone who forced themselves on me, financially controlling - nope, never, abusive through & through.

theendoftheendoftheend · 02/03/2015 20:13

Totally are with Lweji if he wants to change and put the effort then great but he can do that first and you can get back together, should you want to after i really hope it works out for you and your little ones

Original poster

turquoiseamethyst · 02/03/2015 20:13

Thanks.

It's just all so hard. He is crying and saying how much he loves me, it's made him recognise how much he needs me blahblah.

Meanwhile I have a child who isn't a year old yet and never stops wailing (teeth) and a horrible, horrible pregnancy.

And I'm worried about money and I'm scared as I have to juggle hoops constantly and I have no friends to talk to and just nothing. So I'm very easily swayed. Don't judge me too harshly, please; I WON'T take him back yet certainly.

It just all feels so horrible.

OP posts:

JegErEnStorNerd · 02/03/2015 20:16

Don't analyse the reason WHY he is a bastard. It's not your problem to solve that one.

And just because he is not 100% bad (but to be honest, he's not sounding good, being a controlling sex pest) but ok, let's go with this argument, even if he is about 20% 'good' (i'm not seeing that mind you), you still aren't obliged to give him another chance.

tbh if he were 100% good, you still wouldn't be obliged to give him another chance.

I'm another one who gave her x a second chance and regretted it. The irony was, I didn't even want to but he made me feel I owed it to him to give him a second chance.

All it taught him was to put the credit card in my name so that if i left him again i'd be leaving him not just with nothing like the first time but with debts. so i wish i'd left and stayed left the first time.

ImperialBlether · 02/03/2015 20:17

You poor thing. Having no friends is awful but you have to remember that he drove them away. Is there any way you could call them and tell them what you've told us?

Are you working at the moment? If not, could you go to toddler groups every day and see if there are any women there you could spend some time with? I found them a life saver.

AskBasil · 02/03/2015 20:19

Please don't feel that you're depriving your children of something great in having a dad. It is much, much better that they don't have an abusive man role-modelling relationships in their home.

If you take him back now, he will punish you very badly for having tried to leave him and he will make damned sure you'll never leave him again. Not by reforming, but by stepping up the control.

He is a rapist and an abuser and he is very dangerous to you and your children. Please recognise what he is.

kittybiscuits · 02/03/2015 20:19

I was expecting to read about how torn you are and what a great guy he is - but then I read your post and he's an arsehole with no redeeming features. He is doing exactly what he needs to do to manipulate you into taking him back. Do you tend to take on too much responsibility and worry a lot about other peoples' feelings? If so, this is why he chose you and this is how he picked his strategy to pressurize you to take him back.

Please just give yourself some time. If you can't say no, then tell him you need a complete break and some time to yourself. And then see whether he respects you enough to honour this.

currentnameinuse · 02/03/2015 20:19

Another no to add to the chorus of all the others. I would also be advising you to report him to the police tbh. And your HV, GP and anyone else. And supervised contact centre access only. Oh and do call Women's Aid too and do the Freedom Programme.

JegErEnStorNerd · 02/03/2015 20:19

ps, I know it's hard.

When you're dealing with him keep your sentences short and simple so that they can't be argued with.

Don't cite incidents of his bad behaviour as explanations as to why you can't continue. Keep it really simple.

Dare to say this "i don't love you". "this partnership is over". "I can't be happy with you living here". Repeat ad nauseum. Don't get in to an argument with him. if he accuses you of something dreadful don't defend yourself, say 'this is why we are over now'.

Original poster

turquoiseamethyst · 02/03/2015 20:19

No, I know Jeg but I do have to explain things to the children at least (my eldest is old enough to know his Dad has left.)

I know I'm not obliged to give him a second chance - I don't know! Honestly I don't even know what to think.

I wish I wasn't pregnant.

I am hopeless with pregnancy and babies and somehow I have both and no one to sort things but me.

OP posts:

JegErEnStorNerd · 02/03/2015 20:20

yes, he drove your friends away. You might meet people through the new baby and you won't have to keep them at arm's length for fear of upsetting him.

My children are definitely happier now.

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