wondering about giving things another go

[turquoiseamethyst]

I asked DH to leave a couple of weeks ago.

He always had a tendency to be controlling but the older he got the worse he got.

He was financially so controlling - wouldn't let me work, wouldn't let me have a car, would shout at me for not understanding things he did (I just am not as clever as he is) so I wouldn't ask and then I wouldn't know.

He was physically intimidating in front of the children.

Sexually he wouldn't take no for an answer - this was the worst part really.

He was horrible to my friends, meaning I had none left.

Gosh. Anyway, I have to explain with regards to DH - he is hugely damaged himself (as a result I think of losing both parents very suddenly as a teenager - horrible traffic fatality) and after initial HORRIBLE behaviour from him he is now saying he will do anything - counselling, whatever it takes, to get me and the children back.

I have to admit I am in two minds.

Part of me thinks if I was reading this I'd be thinking "no!" but another part wonders if it could work - I do still care for him, in a way.

We have two children and a third due in the summer.

Being on your own for the rest of your days is far preferable to living with a man as abusive as your ex. But heck, you have the rest of your days to meet someone new. How wonderful is that.

Surely you'd rather be on your own than with someone who mentally and physically abuses you. Your life is NOT ruined, you are a strong woman to have ended this marriage. Please keep being strong.

What would you advise your daughter to do if she was in a relationship like that?

As your children get older you will have more time to take up interests, meet new friends, possibly have a new relationship - if that is what you want.

I'm never going to experience old age with a beloved husband - but if you take your DH back all you are going to do is experience old age with someone who treats you terribly. He is not a 'beloved husband'.

This you can still do:
see him walk our DD down the aisle,
attend DS's graduation together.
Why not?

I won't be having another relationship.

Lweji, why not, well, I am fairly certain he will move onto another relationship and children quickly.

I know it's hard right now OP, but it was hard when you were with him.

The difference is that if you keep him away it will get easier. It will get better. And as time goes on you will build a really good life for yourself and your DCs. If you take him back, things will only get worse.

This is one of the worst things I've ever read on MN.

OP - there are two possible futures for you
You get back with him and continue to be controlled, belittled, physically intimidated and raped. You have no friends. You have no money. Your children will grow up and leave home and there will be just you and him (although, frankly, I'd hope the fucker ends up in jail long before then)
OR
You don't get back with him. You'll be lonely (and that won't be forever, unlike staying with him). You'll have money. You have a chance to make friends, or pick up old friendships. You can have hobbies and drive and go out and ..... You have a chance to be happy (possibly with someone else - not compulsory). Your children can grow up in a calm and safe home.

Which option do you fancy?

You are going to leave him but please, please don't piss away your life first.

Wishing you strength, health and luck.

Can I add my voice? My DH sounds SO similar to yours (the bit about the only thing being important was us and the kids rang especially true) He didn't stop me working but did isolate me from friends. I finally found the strength to leave 21 months ago but also bitterly regret it. He did the whole crying thing, you are my life, even 'I don't care about the children, only you' FFS. I took him back against my better judgment because I feared he would kill himself, he was nice at first, but then the noose started to tighten again. He now exercises total control over 'his' money (his salary is 5x mine) whilst insisting that I support myself (and pay for the kids stuff), he is jealous and tries to prevent me going out and the sexual demands have escalated to disturbing my sleep so he can have a 'cuddle'. It's torture, but now I have to get the energy/strength to do it all again. The only thing I have learned is THESE MEN DO NOT CHANGE. Repeat this to yourself until you believe it, someone who truly loved you would not do this. It's not love, it's a weird kind of ownership in which your happiness/well being plays no part. I hope that you will have the strength that I did not. Be kind to yourself and get out of the habit of self-blame -that is him talking. I wish you strength turquoise and hope that you can find some RL support

Cambridge - please start your own thread so folk can support you. Have you ever spoken to Women's Aid or the police?

Can I ask why you decided to get pregnant a third time to this man? All your doing is making yourself even more stuck so why?

So unhelpful rebecca
Not everyone who gets pregnant decides to get pregnant you know or has a choice in the matter.

Why is that important to you Rebecca? Who cares? The OP has to go from where she is now, not from where other people think she should be.

Sorry, mistakenly sent a post on my phone

please don't consider getting back with this abusive man

turquoiseamethyst I think it is completely understandable that you are mourning the loss of the relationship you never had and never will have with this man.

The media sells us the story of happy ever after, loving, happy families, having fun together, going on outings together, laughing together, enjoying each other's company, learning from each other, supporting each other, looking after each other and celebrating each other's successes, with the parents growing old together and becoming beloved grandparents etc. When we get together with people we decide to have children with, most of us have some vague sort of idea that that's the sort of ideal we'll have.

Some people have these families and they are very lucky or very hard-working because they built those families against the odds.

But you don't have and you never will with this man. But it is incredibly hard to let go of the idea that maybe you and he could build a family like that and that that's what you're letting go if you don't give it another go with him. It takes time to accept that that's not what's on offer here - this isn't a choice between building a functional happy family or being lonely and a failure for the rest of your life, it's a choice between building a dysfunctional, unhappy family with children who will probably go on to make dysfunctional, unhappy relationships, or giving you and them a fighting chance of building a happy, united family without your DH - because he can't be part of that happy family, because he doesn't know how to be - all he knows, is how to make it unhappy.

If you give him another chance, you are sabotaging yourself and your children's chance to find a new, better way to live. It's very hard to hear this because you're surrounded by messages designed to rob you of the confidence and courage to dump this shit. That's one of the reasons you feel so doubtful, because society doesn't support women walking away from abusive men (although at the same time it condemns them for staying with them), it tells them all the things you've taken on board - that they've failed, ruined their lives, will be lonely forever - but it's not true. Dumping this guy is not ruining your life or your children's lives, it's not breaking your family - it's the beginning of healing your family.

Never a truer word said

"Society doesnt support women walking away from abusive men but it also condemns them for saying."

Rebecca didn't what I said about his sexual demands resonate with you, even a tiny bit?

How you feeling today, turquiose ?

Please listen to Basil x

Thanks AF I will don't worry, I think I posted on here because I wanted you all to shout at me :)

I'm just so, so SO depressed. Just thinking this is going to be my life - obviously I love my children but I always thought I'd have a bit more, that the children would be part of a backdrop of family and friends and so on, not just this existence.

It's not surprising you're depressed. You're worn out, pregnant, and have just come out of an abusive relationship. At the moment, try only to focus on the next ten minutes at a time, or the next hour if you can handle it.

Can you book a GP appointment and tell them how you're feeling. You really need support.

How you are now is not how your life will be, turquoise. Though I know it feels that way.

It does.

I don't think going to the GP would make any difference, but thanks :)

One of the ways abusive controlling men abuse and control women is through reproduction and children.

So glad you are getting out now.

Take care of yourself first and foremost

Hey Turquoise this is just a blip. I know it's hard at the moment but your life will be happy again. You'll make new friends with new baby and without your ex around you'll feel more relaxed and able to invite people round etc. What's stopping you from getting in touch with your old friends?

Well Turquoise - I was moved to look up your posting history to see if my surmises on your home-ed thread were close to true. I was wrong - your H is so much worse than I had gathered. SO MUCH WORSE.

It's an interesting state to be in - you're out of the "cage" so to speak just now, but still chained to it. And you're worried about cutting loose completely - wondering whether the cage, for all its restrictions, wasn't actually more "secure", in that at least it's a known quantity, rather than being free and on your own, a currently unknown quantity.

I agree with all the posts on here (bar Rebecca's extraordinarily thoughtless and ignorant question) that it would be the worst thing you could do, to take him back. Because he would take care to make sure that you weren't able to do this to him again. Your only chance now is to move onwards - work on dissolving your chains that attach you to the "cage" - once you set foot back in that cage, the door will be locked tight against you forever more :(

He doesn't love you. He believes he owns you. You are no more than his jealously guarded possession - and you will be made to acknowledge that if you let him back.

I know you think you love him - and you clearly have compassion for the teen he was who lost his parents in tragic circumstances - but please let go of this. Your compassion will undo you if you're not careful - he had choices about how he reacted to his situation, and he made wrong ones. Other people lose parents, family, loved ones and don't turn into abusive controlling arseholes; it's not because of the accident that he is who he is, it's his choice to have responded to the accident that way.

What you love is the hurt teen. You are hoping that if you love that hurt teen enough, then it will heal the abusive wankstain adult controlling bastard that you are married to. It won't. YOU cannot heal him. He could, if he chose, do work that might heal him - but it still won't necessarily make him less of an abusive wankstain, because, remember that was his CHOICE of reaction.

I'm being blunt and a little hard on you, to try and break through your feelings of wavering - you've done the hard bit, you've broken out of your cage - now do your utmost to stay out of it and break the chains completely so you can dump the cage over the nearest metaphorical cliff.