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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

wondering about giving things another go

101 replies

turquoiseamethyst · 02/03/2015 19:46

I asked DH to leave a couple of weeks ago.

He always had a tendency to be controlling but the older he got the worse he got.

He was financially so controlling - wouldn't let me work, wouldn't let me have a car, would shout at me for not understanding things he did (I just am not as clever as he is) so I wouldn't ask and then I wouldn't know.

He was physically intimidating in front of the children.

Sexually he wouldn't take no for an answer - this was the worst part really.

He was horrible to my friends, meaning I had none left.

Gosh. Anyway, I have to explain with regards to DH - he is hugely damaged himself (as a result I think of losing both parents very suddenly as a teenager - horrible traffic fatality) and after initial HORRIBLE behaviour from him he is now saying he will do anything - counselling, whatever it takes, to get me and the children back.

I have to admit I am in two minds.

Part of me thinks if I was reading this I'd be thinking "no!" but another part wonders if it could work - I do still care for him, in a way.

We have two children and a third due in the summer.

OP posts:
Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 02/03/2015 21:16

On relationships, or Mumsnet? It was me who had the long, LONG thread!

For some reason I can't log in under the other name; had to re-register.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 02/03/2015 21:19

Don't get back with him! I don't think his parents dying young is an excuse for him being a cunt. Sorry.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 02/03/2015 21:21

No, it doesn't excuse it - it does explain it to a point though.

He has had a rough old trot.

OP posts:
championnibbler · 02/03/2015 21:26

No.
Don't go back to him.
Not only is he abusive but he is also a rapist.
Aren't you worried he might do the same to your kids?

KittiKat · 02/03/2015 21:27

Turquoise I would not allow that man back into your life at all.

No matter what the financial hardship might be, learn a lesson from me.

I told him I was going to leave so he drugged me one night and apparently I told him every secret thing I was going to do, run away, get my own place, everything.

Next thing he did was poison me. Not enough to kill me but enough to keep me quite, quite ill and reliant on him.

My GP is also my friend and she did tests which concurred that I had been poisoned. My solicitor holds those test results in case of my untimely death even though we have been separated over 3 years. I did not press charges as I did not want my children to know what their Father had done to me.

Like you, I thought, given time, maybe, just maybe we could try again. What an absolute awful mistake. Within less than 12 hours, he was as he was all over again. I was a fool. I was taken in by his being "nice" all the time. All he was doing was biding his time to get me back again. HOW DARE I LEAVE HIM. I COULD ONLY LEAVE, IF AND WHEN HE CHOSE FOR ME TO DO SO.

My husband, as yours, is a complete and utter control freak. Your life will never be your own unless you stick to your guns and never, ever go back.

I was so bad at more than one stage that I wanted to kill myself and if I had had a gun in the house I would have done so. He drove me out of my mind.

By the way, the control is still there. I told him I was going to apply for divorce just recently and he told me go ahead and he would oppose it every step of the way. I have been separated 3.5 years now. I will still have to wait another 1.5 years until I can divorce him WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION.

Fairenuff · 02/03/2015 21:34

OP he is setting a trap for you. Don't fall into it. That would be the worst possible thing you could do for your children. Keep them safe. Show them that they can and should expect others to treat them with respect.

Your thread reminds me of this poem:

Here

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 02/03/2015 21:35

It's awful, I'm so sorry.

I don't think he'd do what he does to me to his children

OP posts:
Charley50 · 02/03/2015 21:38

It doesn't explain it and who cares. It's you and the children who are important. I grew up with a dad like your EX. I absolutely hated him and hated the way he treated and controlled my mum. My childhood was massively damaging to me and my siblings. My mum left him once when I was 1. She moved us 300 miles away to get away from him. He begged and cried for her to come back. She came back and first night home he punched her in the face. It's horrible hearing these stories as your family narrative. She always told me she went back because I kept crying for him. Cheers mum! I was one I didn't know what a bastard he was.
Trust me you have done the right thing. You'll have a hard couple of years but you'll feel the weight of him lifting of your shoulders every day.

KittiKat · 02/03/2015 21:42

Oh yes he will.

My daughter cried upon leaving for university, because she was getting away from him. She was getting away from always having to explain herself, to answer all his questions, to feeling the constant pressure of always having to do what HE wanted.

I felt so fucking useless that day. I had no idea that he was controlling my daughter so much.

And! He encouraged her all the time to belittle me. To say "oh don't ask Mummy that question as she is so thick she won't know the answer". I did know the answer. I was more academically qualified than him. I earned more than him.

My daughter has just moved to London and I sent her a message today, live the life you want and live your dreams. I hope so much that she does.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 02/03/2015 21:42

Thanks.

That poem is scary.

I just don't feel like I am enough, somehow.

OP posts:
Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 02/03/2015 21:45

Oh yeah, he'd tell them I was thick, tell them THEY were thick, control them. He'd do that.

I meant the other thing; I don't think he'd do that.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 02/03/2015 21:45

That poem is a warning to children to not trust people based on what they say but to remember how they behave.

KittiKat · 02/03/2015 21:48

You are more than enough if only you would give yourself the chance to find out.

cleanmyhouse · 02/03/2015 21:57

My father controlled, belittled and abused my mother for 15 years. She left the night he took a gun to her head.

DON'T GO BACK!

Charley50 · 02/03/2015 22:01

I don't think he'd do the other thing either, but mind fuckery and trying to mentally control someone is incredibly damaging. His behaviour towards you shows that he thinks he has a right to control your every move; he'll be the same with the kids when they start questioning his shitty behaviour.
You'll make new friends as it's easy with a new born. Your old friends will welcome you back with open arms once they see you are shot of him. Don't let him destroy you any more. My mum was a shadow of her true self when they finally split up when my oldest sibling was 25.

JegErEnStorNerd · 02/03/2015 22:02

Turquoise, my x used to obsess about telling the children the truth. But now the children know that they're entitled to be happy. If they believe that they're entitled to be happy they won't ever judge me for leaving.

I felt like it was really complicated at the time too, but it becomes less complicated the longer you're away.

Just make sure to tell your children that if you#re not happy you can leave a relationship, or a job, or, if a friend doesn't make you feel happy, then it's ok not to be hteir friend anymore.

trackrBird · 02/03/2015 22:02

It's not at all uncommon for abusers to have some awful or troubling aspect to their past, and for their long suffering partners to feel it explains or excuses the abuse. Abusers may also seize on it as an excuse.

If you have 15 minutes or so, view this video to see how concern for a damaged or troubled man can keep people trapped in controlling relationships.

I'm not saying what happened to him wasn't awful: only that it doesn't justify abuse, nor is abusive behaviour an inevitable consequence.

Charley50 · 02/03/2015 22:02
Flowers
Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 02/03/2015 22:05

I don't think so Charley

I have been with him a while Sad

I think the hard thing is, I have accepted to a point my life's ruined. it's just purely 100% what's best for the children.

OP posts:
trackrBird · 02/03/2015 22:09

Oh it's not ruined turquoise, truly.
It's just early days, and it's hard
Brew

Charley50 · 02/03/2015 22:11

It's not ruined and you have the rest of your life ahead of you without him in it.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 02/03/2015 22:19

To a point, it's ruined.

I'm never going to experience old age with a beloved husband, never going to become grandparents together, never see him walk our DD down the aisle, never attend DS's graduation together.

I'm going to be very lonely when the kids have left home I suspect.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 02/03/2015 22:32

it's just purely 100% what's best for the children

Well that's easy then. What's best for the children is obviously having their mother safely out of an abusive relationship.

What's best for them is keeping them safely out of the abusive relationship.

Charley50 · 02/03/2015 22:36

Erm hello... You might/will meet someone else: someone nice!! My mum met someone at age 75. (Not saying you have to wait that long mind)
He treated her with so much respect and kindness. She was overwhelmed that someone could be so nice and normal to her and treat her so well, and it brought into sharp focus what an idiot she was for wasting 25 years on my dad, who couldn't give a shot about her well being.
Her new man showed her more kindness in a day than my dad showed her ever. Sorry to be so dramatic, it's my Monday night single glass of wine, but it's true.

Charley50 · 02/03/2015 22:37

Shit not shot!
You'll make friends. I know you are worried about being lonely but you will make friends. I know you will.