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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

wondering about giving things another go

101 replies

turquoiseamethyst · 02/03/2015 19:46

I asked DH to leave a couple of weeks ago.

He always had a tendency to be controlling but the older he got the worse he got.

He was financially so controlling - wouldn't let me work, wouldn't let me have a car, would shout at me for not understanding things he did (I just am not as clever as he is) so I wouldn't ask and then I wouldn't know.

He was physically intimidating in front of the children.

Sexually he wouldn't take no for an answer - this was the worst part really.

He was horrible to my friends, meaning I had none left.

Gosh. Anyway, I have to explain with regards to DH - he is hugely damaged himself (as a result I think of losing both parents very suddenly as a teenager - horrible traffic fatality) and after initial HORRIBLE behaviour from him he is now saying he will do anything - counselling, whatever it takes, to get me and the children back.

I have to admit I am in two minds.

Part of me thinks if I was reading this I'd be thinking "no!" but another part wonders if it could work - I do still care for him, in a way.

We have two children and a third due in the summer.

OP posts:

AskBasil · 02/03/2015 20:21

Oh and please go and borrow or buy a copy of Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft so that you can understand exactly why he behaves the way he does and recognise exactly what he's doing each time he manipulates you.

Original poster

turquoiseamethyst · 02/03/2015 20:21

Thanks Imperial

I just don't know, friends have been understandably insulted by his behaviour and the fact I have ignored them for years (I have to take responsibility for this too of course.)

I'm so rubbish with toddler groups. I feel so lacking compared to the other mums!

I know I'm weak, but I still really care about him - part of me hates him, but another part does really love him and I don't know if that will ever change! Pathetic isn't it?

OP posts:

Original poster

turquoiseamethyst · 02/03/2015 20:22

Thank you :)

I just keep doubting myself as to whether I can actually do this. I know I'll have to. It's just so lonely.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 02/03/2015 20:23

He is crying and saying how much he loves me, it's made him recognise how much he needs me blahblah

That's what they all do. Honestly, what else would you expect him to do. Crying is the only thing left.

If he did love you, he wouldn't have treated you like that in the first place.

I'm worried about money and I'm scared as I have to juggle hoops constantly and I have no friends to talk to and just nothing

He caused all that OP. He made sure that you had no money. He made sure that you had no friends. All that is about to change. Reach out to people, you will be surprised at how much others are willing to help.

It might feel horrible but it would be a whole lot more horrible if you had his moods, his put downs, his sexual abuse to deal with on top of what is already a tiring time with a difficult pregnancy and a small child.

AskBasil · 02/03/2015 20:23

Love, you need the Freedom Programme.

You feel inadequate because for years, he's been telling you you are shit and he's leeched all the confidence you ever had from you.

Please call Women's Aid. They will help you get yourself back on track.

currentnameinuse · 02/03/2015 20:23

Take a look at the Freedom Programme here

www.onespace.org.uk/learning/

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? If not please do it now.

Original poster

turquoiseamethyst · 02/03/2015 20:27

Thanks, I'm getting a bit snivelly myself!

I will do - I just am grieving so much, for the children really. They deserve so much more.

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/03/2015 20:28

Op regardless of how damaged he is he is an intelligent man who chooses to act as he did. If you take him back your willing,y getting back in your cage and shutting the door for him.

The next time you won't be able to get away

JegErEnStorNerd · 02/03/2015 20:28

yes I agree with the others.

You care about him because you are a giver and he is a taker. YOu have been trained (successfully) to meet his needs and ignore your own, otherwise, why would you want to take back a man who is a controlling sex pest who has destoryed your self-esteem and made it too hard for you to see your friends

you say you have to take responsibility for that but they always make it so that you choose not to see friends because the repercussions make it not worth it, eg, theyy sulk or bully you or kick off, or just make you pay in some other way. but it's you're 'choice'.

JegErEnStorNerd · 02/03/2015 20:28

yes I agree with the others.

DioneTheDiabolist · 02/03/2015 20:29

I know it's hard OP, but it will be just as hard only with a controlling, abusive partner as well, if you take him back.

Teething will pass.
The pregnancy will end and you will have a new baby.
You're worried about money, but taking him back will only increase your financial insecurity as you will once again be financially tied/dependent on him.
You have no friend's right now, but you can make new friend's and/or get in touch with your old ones. If you take him back he will never allow you friends.
He "needs" you. But you have quite enough on your plate without having to service his needs.

Keep him gone. He is of no use to you, you don't even want him alone with the DCs.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 02/03/2015 20:33

Yes your children deserve more. Much much more than growing up in a toxic family. Please give them the gift of freedom from that.

LineRunner · 02/03/2015 20:33

Oh please no, don't entertain him. And ignore his fake 'illness' when he throws that humdinger at you.

I brought two very young children up on my own after separation and we were fine. Yes it was hard, but we were happy.

AskBasil · 02/03/2015 20:35

Your children will be much better off without a manipulative abusive bully in their home.

You can't give them a better start in life, than removing a vile, toxic influence from their home.

Please don't feel that you're letting them down by removing their dad from their home. On the contrary, you are doing them a massive favour by showing them that that behaviour is unacceptable and that no-one should live with it.

What you are doing by removing him, is good for them. Don't let the Daily Mail types make you feel shit and second class for not clinging on to an abusive man in the name of the nuclear family. Your kids deserve better than him.

kittybiscuits · 02/03/2015 20:38

'Daddy can't live here any more because he isn't nice to Mummy. He still loves you though and you can still love him'.

Original poster

turquoiseamethyst · 02/03/2015 20:47

Kitty - I didn't mean I didn't know what to tell them :)

The point I meant was, they should never have been in the situation in the first place, which is my fault.

OP posts:

currentnameinuse · 02/03/2015 20:49

No - his behaviour is his fault, and his alone. You didn't invite it. I wonder what has made you think this is what you deserve? Did you grow up with an abusive parent? You deserve so much more than this 'man' will ever give you.

AskBasil · 02/03/2015 20:54

It is not YOUR fault that this man chose to be abusive.

It is his fault. He made the choice.

You are only responsible for your own behaviour, not his

kittybiscuits · 02/03/2015 20:57

Oh sorry turquoiseamethyst .

There you go - 'it's my fault'. Is it? Your fault. Just yours? x

Original poster

turquoiseamethyst · 02/03/2015 20:57

But I put up with it, and I allowed it to happen, and I went along with terrible stuff, that is my fault.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 02/03/2015 20:59

If you do one thing now, keep him at arm's length.

talbotinthesky · 02/03/2015 21:03

He sounds like a complete bastard, I can't even believe you'd contemplate getting back with him

KittiKat · 02/03/2015 21:05

Not it is NOT your fault. It is the way you have been conditioned. You LOVED this man. Your natural instinct was to do everything in your power to keep him happy.

He would tell you he was unhappy about something, so you did not do it again.

He would tell you your friends are awful, so you did not meet them again.

I bet my life on it that he told you that all you need was him and the children, that all your happiness depended on just you lot being happy.

He has 100% knocked your self esteem.

You say in toddler groups you felt you did not fit in, this is because he has knocked your self esteem sooooooooooooooooooooo much that you perceive you don't fit in.

Oh I wish I could just wrap you up in my arms and tell you all you need to know.

I am 52. I bet you are a lot, lot younger.

Ask yourself a question. Do you want this relationship for the next 20 years? I did 30 and when I got to 49 I realised that I DID NOT want to do another 30 years like I was and how we were.

Ask yourself that question, do I want to do another 10 years like the previous years?

Original poster

turquoiseamethyst · 02/03/2015 21:11

you're right kitty - that IS what he said.

Talbot okay. but I have people on here saying "i can't believe you can't work / have no friends" - it all just seems SO hard.

OP posts:

wannabestressfree · 02/03/2015 21:13

Please tell me you weren't the lady on here asking about advice on maintenance?
You can do this.....

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