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Original poster

How much is too much porn?

111 replies

dogscantlookup · 02/03/2015 16:07

Will try and keep this short! My husband watches porn, and while I am not really interested in it myself, it's not a deal breaker for me. But how much porn watching is too much in a marriage?

He watches it if I am out for the evening once he is alone, or sometimes in the middle of the night (not while in bed with me though). He says it helps him get back to sleep if he has woken up and is struggling to drift off again, i guess that's more the wanking than the porn.

I think he is watching porn about every 3 days or so.

I think it might be affecting our sex life. I have noticed that sex seems to be rougher these days, and I do keep requesting what I would call softer more sexy sex, but he ends up getting carried away and things take more of a 'porn style' turn. This normally ends up putting me off really. Recenty I felt like just stopping right there and asking what the heck he was up to.

I would like to feel a connection during sex again, and feel loved and attractive. But sometimes the sex we have at the moment leaves me feeling a bit fed up. It's great he still finds me find me attractive and sexy, that much is obvious, and I do still enjoy sex for the most part, its just sometimes it not quite the sort of sex I was looking forward to. We used to have amazing sex where I felt very important and sexy and loved, and I would like that again.

It's putting me off initating sex. I am also not sure if its the porn, or perhaps he is just trying to spice our sex life up a bit. I am aware I need to talk to my husband about this, but I wasnt sure if I should bring up the porn of if it's maybe not the issue here?

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 02/03/2015 16:14

I don't think it's the frequency of porn that's an issue, it's more that he's changed styles without consulting you if that makes sense? That he's becoming a bit selfish and more into trying new things instead of finding out what works best to give BOTH of you pleasure?

I think just be honest with him and say this new style he's picked up just isn't working for you. This clearly isn't a case of him not knowing any better and picking up all his technique from porn since you say sex used to be a lot better between you. I would just tell him that you miss those days and want to bring them back, but if he wants more variety then you're cool with trying new things - as long as they work for you, too!

Lauramum23 · 02/03/2015 16:18

I had this last year! He doesn't seem to watch it anymore. My dh likes to sometimes think he's in a porno and yes you are right it can be off putting! I think I just told him sometimes I don't mind that but other times I like a bit of loving and kissing, like sometimes he just likes a quick shag no messing about iykwim.
You are right you just need a chat to sort him out,men are selfish in that department sometimes!

Jan45 · 02/03/2015 16:19

I find porn distasteful and degrading and completely void of reality or feelings so for me, it would be a complete deal breaker, I wouldn't want to have sex with a man that was using it, especially as much as that.

I think you are finding it has become an issue and I do think his use is spoiling what you once had.

Jan45 · 02/03/2015 16:22

Not all men are selfish and not all men use porn when in a relationship.

MephistophelesApprentice · 02/03/2015 16:23

I think mentioning that his style has changed without mentioning the porn might be best. The most important thing is that he listens to how you feel about the way things are, and he might shutdown and get defensive if you bring up porn too early.

Perhaps asking him if you can take the lead for while? Initiating might be difficult at the moment, but setting the pace and taking charge for a bit might give him better inspiration for spicing it up in directions you prefer.

Original poster
dogscantlookup · 02/03/2015 16:31

My opinion of porn has changed over the years, it wasnt even on my radar when we met, so knowing he used it occasionaly didnt bother me and we are now married. But I am starting to feel like you do about it Jan45, especially as I can see that some of the things my husband likes are perhaps things he has learnt to like from porn. I don't feel at this point I can do a complete U-turn and say I don't want him to watch any porn as I have now decided i don't like it.

I don't mind trying something new now and then, or fufulling the odd fantasy of his, but I would like to get back the more romantic aspects of our sex life.

I am worried that if i mention the porn, he will mention our lack of sex life (linked to the porn stye sex), and I'm not sure what to do. Maybe he will say he finds that romantic sex too boring? Maybe I have become more boring in bed?

I think I am less and less willing to act like a porn star in bed as I come to realise how abusive porn is. I am also very aware that I am less body confident after having a baby, than perhaps I was when we met. I think he would like me to go back to being that sort of person in bed, all lights on and bouncing around ontop of him, but I am struggling to feel that way when the sex we do have makes me fed up.

I guess I want to start back at the start again, with some nice romantic simple sex, get our sex life back on track, and then throw in the odd fancy bit now and then.

At the mo it feels like we dont have enough sex, and when we do I am expected to pull all the tricks.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/03/2015 16:36

Could you say "I'm not keen on the way we have sex recently. I wonder if there's a correlation with the amount of porn you're using. What do you think?"

Original poster
dogscantlookup · 02/03/2015 16:39

I think maybe I shouldnt mention the porn, and just the style change, and go from there. I am making assumptions that it is to do with the porn. He can work it out for himself if it is the effect of too much porn and cut down his own usage perhaps.

OP posts:
Drew64 · 02/03/2015 16:42

Based on what you have said "about 3 days a week" is too much porn.

Neither my wife or I have an issue with porn and both enjoy it on occasion but if you are feeling the way you describe about your husbands use then any porn is too much porn.

Your bang on right, you need to have a chat, not a row, a chat.
Explain how you feel, ask him to curb it while you both find your mojo together again and don't let it affect your relationship again.

Jan45 · 02/03/2015 16:47

Tell him you will make an effort to be closer, more intimate, more romantic if HE does the same, it's not all down to you, sounds like the issue has been caused by his need to use porn every few days, why I have no idea as it's so far removed from reality and don't get me started on the abuse that goes on.

Sorry but I just hate how with the internet, we've all to chill and accept the bombardment of porn sites everywhere you go as part of our normal life, it aint mine.

Also don't like how you are now wondering if it's you that needs to change, no it isn't, it's his sad use of constant porn that needs to change.

Original poster
dogscantlookup · 02/03/2015 16:48

Not being a porn watcher I have no idea how much is normal! I did think that perhaps 3 times a week was quite a bit. When I found out that was what he was up to in the spare room at night I was a bit upset, and said I thought he was replacing that with sleeping in bed with me.

That didnt go well, he sleeps badly when stressed at work and moves bed so as not to keep me awake when he cannot sleep, so I think I just added to his problems. Stressed at work, can't sleep, wife upset, caught watching porn. So I have not mentioned it again.

Our mojo is just what I am looking for, exactly that.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 02/03/2015 16:49

I dont mind my partner watching porn sometimes. I see it as not my business as long as it doesnt affect me/us/our sex life.

It sounds like its affecting a lot of things, so i think id be pissed off

Joysmum · 02/03/2015 16:50

I'd say too much is when it negatively impacts on your relationship...which is where you're at now Sad

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/03/2015 16:52

Don't fall into the trap of thinking 'if I was more... 'x'.... he wouldn't use porn so much'. He should be sensitive to your needs and make you feel wonderful, not inadequate. He made a promise to you to 'love and to cherish'... not treat you as a crash test dummy for the sex moves he's seen in porn videos

I would tell him that you think your relationship is suffering and it's going to end badly if you can't find a way back to loving, respectful intimacy.

Original poster
dogscantlookup · 02/03/2015 17:02

Cognito, I know what you mean! I do let him know that I'm not going to do something, or I ask him to stop, and he does right away. If I felt he was not attracted to me then maybe I would be less tempted to say no, but he makes it very clear with his words and actions that he finds me attractive whatever we do in bed. Which is why I guess I don't worry about saying no to stuff.

I just would like to have sex where I'm not asking him to stop getting over excited and turning the thing into a movie, when I just want some cuddly slow romatic sex. It often starts that way and then things get a bit crazy towards the end.

OP posts:
TheUnwillingNarcheska · 02/03/2015 17:07

There was a woman talking about this very issue a few months back on radio 4 woman's hour. She said that she felt reduced to a hole, an object to fulfil his needs only and hers were not taken into account.

She said her husband became detached from the loving side of sex and it became just about him, about getting him to orgasm.

You do need to talk about getting the intimacy back. Porn has become a habit for him.

Jan45 · 02/03/2015 17:19

Everything you have written cries out that it's him with the problem, why should you feel good about finding him holed up in a room watching porn, sorry but I just don't buy this stress relief not when he's using it every 3 days, what kind of bloody stress does he have, he's become reliant on it and is trying to use the moves he has see on you, what an absolute turn off. You feel like an object because he is making you feel that way.

Do you often have to tell him to stop what he's doing?

HelenaDove · 02/03/2015 17:27

What Jan said. Why should the OP have to tiptoe around the issue and not mention the porn when she brings the subject up.

Original poster
dogscantlookup · 02/03/2015 17:31

He does have a complicated and stressful job, and he has always had issues with insomnia and not sleeping well. I think it's easy to pick up the iPad when you can't sleep, and then it's easy to have a quick wank and go back to sleep.

I do feel like an object sometimes, it doesnt start out that way, but sometimes at the end that is how I feel. I have had some issues in the past though, due to some bad sexual experiences, so I sometimes wonder if my radar is off and its just me that doesn't want to do stuff in bed and other women are at it!

I think out of every 10 times we have sex, I will ask him not to do, or start something, or say no to a request, about 4 of those times. We do still have nice intimate sex sometimes.

I don't want my husband to come over as a bad person, he is a loving and caring husband. Things just get over the top in bed recently and i am unsatisfied. We will be able to chat about this, I'm just not sure sure about how the porn fits with all this.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 02/03/2015 17:31

I think you should be honest, tell him what you've said here in that you don't feel the emotional conection from him when you're having sex and that it's more like a performance. I can't see what the problem is with doing that?

Jan45 · 02/03/2015 17:39

You seem very intent on not upsetting him, it really does sound like he is making you feel objectified, hence you feeling crap afterwards, that's not healthy nor is it normal, I think you need to toughen up a bit OP and tell him straight. Personally if I am having a loving and regular sex life with my partner, there's no reason for either of us to use porn, or any need for it - I hate how you say four times out of ten you are having to tell him not to do things, FGS, it's a shared experience no?

Original poster
dogscantlookup · 02/03/2015 17:40

I think I can mention how some of the sex we have been having recently has made me feel, and we can go from there.

We don't really talk about the porn, I sometimes think he feels guilty about it, so It might make him defensive from the start if I mention it as part of how I feel?

I do wonder too if we just don't have enough sex, and that he really likes to make the most of it when we do, if you can see what I mean.

I will try and have a chat about it with him tonight, thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
dogscantlookup · 02/03/2015 17:46

Jan54, im not a very tough person, but will do my best. I tend to avoid confrontation really.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 02/03/2015 17:46

Please tell him, you are not a porn star and do not want to act out like one either, it's worrying that you are turning him down four times out of ten, god knows what he's asking you but it's obviously beyond your boundaries, his feelings are not more important than yours, you are entitled to feel equal and loved for you, not for what you can perform like to satisfy his unrealistic porn habit and what he thinks women should like and be doing, porn is not real, it's usually abusive as well, sorry I just find it all yuck.

I don't think it's down to lack of sex, I think it's a direct result of his habitual porn habit. Tough if he gets defensive, it's a two way street.

Jan45 · 02/03/2015 17:47

You sound lovely OP, good luck.