How much is too much porn?

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Will try and keep this short! My husband watches porn, and while I am not really interested in it myself, it's not a deal breaker for me. But how much porn watching is too much in a marriage?

He watches it if I am out for the evening once he is alone, or sometimes in the middle of the night (not while in bed with me though). He says it helps him get back to sleep if he has woken up and is struggling to drift off again, i guess that's more the wanking than the porn.

I think he is watching porn about every 3 days or so.

I think it might be affecting our sex life. I have noticed that sex seems to be rougher these days, and I do keep requesting what I would call softer more sexy sex, but he ends up getting carried away and things take more of a 'porn style' turn. This normally ends up putting me off really. Recenty I felt like just stopping right there and asking what the heck he was up to.

I would like to feel a connection during sex again, and feel loved and attractive. But sometimes the sex we have at the moment leaves me feeling a bit fed up. It's great he still finds me find me attractive and sexy, that much is obvious, and I do still enjoy sex for the most part, its just sometimes it not quite the sort of sex I was looking forward to. We used to have amazing sex where I felt very important and sexy and loved, and I would like that again.

It's putting me off initating sex. I am also not sure if its the porn, or perhaps he is just trying to spice our sex life up a bit. I am aware I need to talk to my husband about this, but I wasnt sure if I should bring up the porn of if it's maybe not the issue here?

How funny pocket saviour! you happily misinterpreted or even made-up what other posters in this thread are saying, yet get awfully distressed when it's done to you.
Ho hum.

I'm not distressed JFR, not sure what gave you that impression?

The use of italics?

OP what do you think about what John suggested,

Perhaps say: half the time we have sex, you persist in doing things I don't like. I have told you several times I don't like it. Can you work out why you are ignoring me?

Perhaps with a little added, "I feel humiliated and objectified when you do X or Y"?

It really isn't normal to have this much sex that you don't like or that doesn't satisfy you. You feel that you have moved the relationship goalposts, but you're not the only one who has.

OP I have got a horrible feeling that he wants you in those moments to be objectified.

You really need to think about this honestly. It must feel very destabilising.

JFR - italics are used for emphasis. I assure you your post did not distress me

There have been several documentaries over the last couple of years on the pornification of sex. Research show the majority of men view porn - though many deny it when asked by their partner/spouse.

A 2013 survey revealed that 88% of scenes in porn films include sexual aggression.

No surprise, then, that an increasing number of men are changing the way they make love have sex. They want to try out what they've seen on their laptops and tablets (hair pulling and the rest) in real life.

If you're not happy with how your DH is behaving, OP, you have every right to say it's not acceptable.

I agree with Linerunner that he means to objectify and humiliate you.

It's a difficult thing to come to terms with.

If you look at hair pulling on a very basic level, it is something we teach our children not to do because it is mean. So doing it (without consent) to a sexual partner is nothing other than deliberately mean. It is certainly not loving.

I think OP your feelings on this are valid and your task now is to find your voice.

expecting it to be romantic and all flowers and hearts until the day you die ?
Is that what she said then?
I thought she said that 4/10 times they have sex, he tries to do stuff she doesn't want him to do.

Are you saying its unrealistic to expect your partner to listen to you when you say no?

Well finding my voice last night didn't go great, as it was not a good night to bring issues up. Thanks for all your input and I will find the strength to get this sorted soon.

I didn't sleep well last night worrying about this, I guess you have opened my eyes to how inappropriate this level of porn usage is in a relationship, which is making me feel worried about the state of our relationship.

Porn is a great addition to our sex life. As I said upthread, the easiest way to define how much is too much is when it negatively impacts on the relationship.

For some, any porn is too much. For others regular porn is beneficial. It's down to the individuals involved, nobody else.

oh VoyageofDad, yeah every women should just shut up and have their hair painfully pulled because it's "mainstream' and Must Keep Man Happy.

Hearts and flowers? Does that mean actually being nice to your partner? I mean perish the thought huh.

expecting it to be romantic and all flowers and hearts until the day you die

So a woman writes, "he does things I don't like, and he keeps on doing them" and your advice is that a woman should expect a bit of rough handling after a few years. FFS it's all about the man's orgasm, right?

OP - I think you may find that there is never going to be a good time to find your voice with your DH and that is part of this journey.

That's because he is a misogynist and your views don't matter to him.

Rough handling is exactly as I would describe it. I don't mean I need romance and flowers every time, but I do want to be handled with love and respect. I feel that's not an unreasonable request. I'm not going to ask him that we do it in the dark in missionary position from now on, just to think about what I enjoy a bit more.

In my view of a relationship, sex is an integral part and shared between the partners.
Porn is sex, and therefore like any other sexual activity is fine if both partners enjoy and share it.
If one partner does it on their own to the extent that it affects the relationship, as in the OP case, that to me is a sort of unfaithfulness.

I agree with Ladyblahblah

Personally I'd be telling him that sex isn't doing it for me and until such times as I think he's as interested in pleasing me and being pleased I wont be bothering.

*and = as

Your feelings are completely valid dogs.

And even if you wanted to do missionary in the dark, that's up to you, not him or anyone else.

Feeling pressured to do 'crazy' stuff is not part of a respectful relationship.

I wouldn't be happy with any tbh but horses for courses.

Respect for your body is the basic minimum really.

From what your have written OP it sounds like he's just using you as something to fuck whilst acting out his little porno fantasies.

Well said HouseWhereNobodyLives