How much is too much porn?

[dogscantlookup]

Will try and keep this short! My husband watches porn, and while I am not really interested in it myself, it's not a deal breaker for me. But how much porn watching is too much in a marriage?

He watches it if I am out for the evening once he is alone, or sometimes in the middle of the night (not while in bed with me though). He says it helps him get back to sleep if he has woken up and is struggling to drift off again, i guess that's more the wanking than the porn.

I think he is watching porn about every 3 days or so.

I think it might be affecting our sex life. I have noticed that sex seems to be rougher these days, and I do keep requesting what I would call softer more sexy sex, but he ends up getting carried away and things take more of a 'porn style' turn. This normally ends up putting me off really. Recenty I felt like just stopping right there and asking what the heck he was up to.

I would like to feel a connection during sex again, and feel loved and attractive. But sometimes the sex we have at the moment leaves me feeling a bit fed up. It's great he still finds me find me attractive and sexy, that much is obvious, and I do still enjoy sex for the most part, its just sometimes it not quite the sort of sex I was looking forward to. We used to have amazing sex where I felt very important and sexy and loved, and I would like that again.

It's putting me off initating sex. I am also not sure if its the porn, or perhaps he is just trying to spice our sex life up a bit. I am aware I need to talk to my husband about this, but I wasnt sure if I should bring up the porn of if it's maybe not the issue here?

My boyfriend pulls my hair during sex sometimes, it's not painful, I like it and he knows I like it. If I didn't like it he wouldn't do it. He's also very affectionate, it doesn't have to be one or the other.

But OP if you don't like hair pulling and "rough handling" then he should respect your wishes. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do and he should accept that without hesitation.

I think the porn use is unacceptable if it makes you feel that he just wants to act out what he has seen. He shouldn't make you feel like an object. How is he with you outside of sex? Is he caring and respectful then?

You clearly said nobody should do what they don't want to do?

Yeah, thing is, you're also saying: "oh, is it just hair pulling? All women like hair pulling - I read it here. And it's in that really popular book. Is that all your fussed about? Blimey! You expect to have soppy hearts and flowers all the time? At least he's not begging you for anal. You should count yourself lucky."

JohnFarleysRuskin not sure if your questions were aimed at me or not, if not then I apologise, but if they were the point I am making is this.

Nobody should do anything they don't want to do. I mentioned hair pulling in my own relationship because I was making a comparison by saying that I like it so it's not a problem but the OP doesn't like it so it is a problem.

I wasn't remotely trivialising the OP's dislike of it. I have no idea if I am in the majority or minority with liking hair pulling and couldn't care less either way. I lurk more than post on here but can't say I've ever seen discussions as to how many women like it or not and nor have I read that book!

I thought my last paragraph made it clear what I think about the OP's feelings on the matter. If there were things I didn't like sexually that my boyfriend kept on wanting to do when I had told him I wasn't interested I would be as distressed as the poster in this appears to be.

I think the OP is in a horrible situation if she feels her husband doesn't respect her wishes or care about her feelings. I actually think she has a lot to be fussed about if she feels in that situation.

My husband used to watch porn about as much as your husband does, although it started much less and built up to that. Our sex life became like you have described and no matter how involved I tried to be, I always ended up feeling like an object in the porn film in his head.

It ended up putting me off sex with him, and we almost broke up. I ended up telling him how I felt about it, and he was so desperate to save the marriage that he sought some counselling. He realised at this point that he was addicted to porn, and it was affecting how he thought about every person around him. He explained that he didn't see women as people anymore, just sex objects that he wanted and needed to fantasise about.

To cut a long story short, he cut out the porn COMPLETELY (he knows it is now a deal breaker for me) and is completely open with computer passwords, phone use etc so nothing is being hidden, and our sex life is now better than it ever was, with the main difference being that I don't feel used. I can't explain how, but it is very very different.
My husband also says the porn was blighting his life in so many ways and he feels free and 'normal' again. He seems much happier, less stressed, and says his concentration levels are so much better since he gave it up.

I would never have believed porn could be so damaging to a person and/or a relationship, but I have seen it first hand, and totally understand where you are coming from.

It's not about the specific acts this specific man likes, though. Any sexual act you can think of excites some people, revolts/scares/hurts others and can be a take-it-or-leave-it type of thing to the rest.

The type of sex people like and want can change over time, without that being all the fault of Evil Porn - hearing that a celebrity got caught bonking in the woods might tempt people to try it themselves, for instance, and whatever you think about the 50 Shades books/film, they have certainly prompted a lot of people to consider trying stuff they hadn't done before. There's nothing wrong with asking a partner if you can try out something new, but when you're in a longterm exclusive relationship it's all about discussion andcompromise. That's how you find out what you can both enjoy and what's completely off-limits.

Are things OK otherwise, though, OP? In general, is your H nice to you, does he do his share of domestic work, does he support you WRT your job, hobbies, interests?

Tinks - I think you and JFR cross-posted. She was responding to VoyageofDad, I think.

OP I hope you are okay?

VoD can you point me in the direction of a list of acts that you don't mind women finding unacceptable? And a list you do mind women complaining about?

Yes I'm ok today thanks. Still reading and trying to work out where the porn usage stands in this issue. With regards to the rest of our relationship, it is very fair and happy.

There are things in bed that I am only comfortable doing with someone I love and that I feel respects me. As I feel some of the love and respect is lost at the moment the things I am currently willing to do is reduced. I am trying to pull the sex back to the basics to get that connection back, but my husband keeps going over the top and and I end up fed up. I am taking things like spanking, hair pulling, ejaculating on my face. I'm not going to do those things with someone who isn't behaving like they love me in bed. Perhaps it is confusing for him that I don't seem to be willing anymore and keep saying no, or asking him to stop, but normally we are so in synch with each other. He just seems so unconnected to me during sex at the moment.

OP

Yes OP, because he habitually watches porn.

Dogs please please talk to your husband, don't let this get out of hand totally.

You sound lovely but you sound upset, so please try and get back your relationship to make you happy.

X

dogscantlookup you've got to talk to him straight about this. Firstly, to explain, in exactly the way you've just done in your last post, how you are feeling. And secondly to assess his reactions. If the person you loved said to you that they didn't feel respected or loved by their actions while having sex - you'd be a) completely horrified, and b) you'd change what you've been doing straight away. No? So if he isn't willing to change, and doesn't take you very very seriously, then you've got a massive issue.
You are allowed to have an opinion on porn, and you are allowed to discuss it with him. Its up to him to decide what he wants to do, but if his actions are upsetting and distressing you, a good man would decide to make his partner happy. If he doesn't, or tries to turn it around to make you feel guilty or responsible or wrong, he is not a good man, and sadly, your relationship might be in jeopardy.

I DO NOT understand why these men feel entitled to engage in behaviour that upsets their partners, that blights normal sexuality and coarsens intimacy. It is selfish behaviour and I hate that there is a huge section of society that condones it: "oh all men look at porn, it is normal, if you don't like it you must be anti-sex" - BULLSHIT. I love sex, real sex. I hate fake, aggressive, one sided sex that is completely uninterested in my pleasure.

Looking at your posts, in particular the one by cosmicforce, does make me think that the porn habit has a large role in this disconnection that has happened.

But can I ask him to stop? I would happily agree to more sex to get our mojo back if he agreed to stop the porn habit.

And don't worry, I'm going to have a chat with him. It's the only answer.

Do talk to your DH. If he loves you, then he will take you seriously.

No good man would want their wife to do stuff they are uncomfortable doing.

Well said Seabream.

Pleased you are feeling ok OP and that you are happy with the rest of your relationship.

You mention that you think your husband could be confused because you are not that willing sexually at the moment because of how he has made you feel. Is it possible that he doesn't know how you feel about some of the things he wants to do? For example if you have just said you don't want to do something and have then withdrawn a little from him sexually he could just think that for whatever reason you are off sex a bit rather than not interested in the sex that he wants.

If he is otherwise good to you then he should welcome you sitting down with him and explaining how you feel or rather how his behaviour is making you feel. He should and hopefully does care about your feelings.

Just say what you said in your post of 13.34. But it shouldn't be a trade off - if you stop the porn you will have more sex with him - that shouldn't be the deal. If you can explain how you feel to him and he cares then he should willingly want to get that connection and intimacy back between you.

I don't think telling him he can't look at porn is your answer. It is causing problems between you and if he then realises that he should choose to do that of his own validation, with help if necessary if he has a problem. If he doesn't think the porn is a problem then he will only do it behind your back.

I hope you manage to have that conversation with him and he responds in the way that he should.

LurcioAgain thank you that makes sense now re-reading. Sorry JohnFarleysRuskin.

I am trying to pull the sex back to the basics to get that connection back, but my husband keeps going over the top and and I end up fed up. I am taking things like spanking, hair pulling, ejaculating on my face

No means no

What he is doing is at best being an inconsiderate and shit liver but I truely believe if you've told him no, it's sexual assault.

You are firmly within your rights to demand no porn and not engage with sexual activities with a man who will not respect you or your boundaries until such a time where you believe he will.

For me, having been raped by an ex partner and minimised it and made excuses for him, no matter how much I love my DH, I would never again put my needs as subservient to another person's (other than my daughter) and if this were expected of me then they can fuck off.

You have the right not to be sexually assaulted and to call a spade a spade

your right op, talk to him, tell him how you are feeling and the affect his actions are having on you

I think it is time to have a very honest conversation with him about the porn, porn is a very individual choice and if you feel that it is having a detrimental affect on your life then he has to consider what his more important to him

You are absolutely right not to do anything you don't feel comfortable with

But can I ask him to stop?

You can certainly ask him. And he can say yes he will stop, or no he won't. And then you both decide from there where to go next.

Perhaps all he needs to hear is "our sex life which used to be such a loving and bonding experience, seems to have become an attempt at recreating what you're seeing in porn, and it seems the type of porn you're watching is not the kind I want to recreate!"

If he accepted that he had taken things in a direction that you don't like, and your sex life returned to where you felt respected and cherished and happy, would you be happy with him continuing to view (perhaps less often) porn? As long as it didn't impact your sex life? Just something for you to think about.

Good luck OP, I hope you can work things out and get those happy sexy times back :)