How much is too much porn?

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Will try and keep this short! My husband watches porn, and while I am not really interested in it myself, it's not a deal breaker for me. But how much porn watching is too much in a marriage?

He watches it if I am out for the evening once he is alone, or sometimes in the middle of the night (not while in bed with me though). He says it helps him get back to sleep if he has woken up and is struggling to drift off again, i guess that's more the wanking than the porn.

I think he is watching porn about every 3 days or so.

I think it might be affecting our sex life. I have noticed that sex seems to be rougher these days, and I do keep requesting what I would call softer more sexy sex, but he ends up getting carried away and things take more of a 'porn style' turn. This normally ends up putting me off really. Recenty I felt like just stopping right there and asking what the heck he was up to.

I would like to feel a connection during sex again, and feel loved and attractive. But sometimes the sex we have at the moment leaves me feeling a bit fed up. It's great he still finds me find me attractive and sexy, that much is obvious, and I do still enjoy sex for the most part, its just sometimes it not quite the sort of sex I was looking forward to. We used to have amazing sex where I felt very important and sexy and loved, and I would like that again.

It's putting me off initating sex. I am also not sure if its the porn, or perhaps he is just trying to spice our sex life up a bit. I am aware I need to talk to my husband about this, but I wasnt sure if I should bring up the porn of if it's maybe not the issue here?

I agree with Jan wholeheartedly. I would find any amount of porn a dealbreaker. The issue here is him and his porn use - please do not accept any responsibility for this. If you can't tell him you are unhappy with his porn use then why is that? If he feels guilty that is his problem, not yours. And this is nothing to do with not having enough sex.

Someone put a useful link on here once for a programme for porn users to watch. I think it was called "Date my pornstar"? It would be useful for your DH to understand the impact that the porn is having on your relationship before it is too late.

At least you know about it, so you can try and sort it out.

What sort of things is he asking you to do? And does he ask repeatedly, maybe on a different occasion?
Only asking because are you talking BJ or inserting objects?

I personally would be repulsed by a partner going into a different room for a wank to porn, but each to their own.

I feel like telling him I am unhappy about his porn use would be a hard subject to discuss, as its my opinion of porn that has changed through our marriage, so I'm moving the goal posts.

I also feel that I need to talk to him about our sex life, which is a sensitive subject and to add a chat about porn too is tricky.

What will prob happen is I will try and have a calm chat, try not to cry, cry a bit, he will be upset that I am upset, i cry more, then once I'm cryiing anyway I may as well go for it and bring the porn up too. I'm a massive wuss!

I too am wondering about how serious the nature of these, "please stop"s are. You seem to be worrying that everyone else is happy to do them, and I very much doubt it.

I feel so angry and sad reading your posts, I can't imagine living like this and feeling like this.

FFS, what is wrong with men that they think it's ok to treat women like this??

Could you say subtly and obliquely what kind of porn we are talking about here? (Please be careful and be vague as necessary.)

Watching porn means he doesn't respect women in my book.

It would be a deal breaker for me.

4/10 times when you are having sex with your DH you have to tell him no to something?
Does he not know you at all?

You just need to talk to your husband, you know that, you have already said that you are upset, will get upset and that in turn your husband will be upset by that. So you know that he is going to listen, so please give him the opportunity to listen and amend things.

As it is, you are not telling him you are upset, he is not picking up that you are upset and therefore is continuing doing the 'wrong' thing.

He is your husband, you clearly have a lot of love between you, so talk now and get it sorted. The sooner the better.

Every good relationship is about being able to talk!

Good luck

X

"You know that you keep doing things during sex that I don't like and ask you not to do? Well, I just want you to know that you keep doing things during sex that I don't like"?

I can't really say. More than blow jobs, we both enjoy oral sex. More things like pulling my hair...

Perhaps say: half the time we have sex, you persist in doing things I don't like. I have told you several times I don't like it. Can you work out why you are ignoring me?

Op...pulling your hair? What else?

Personally I would be direct. Sex is not what you do to someone, it's for mutual satisfaction.

If mine did something didn't like and knew about it, I'd be pulling back and angrilly ask what the fuck he thought he was doing. I'd certainly not put up with that ever again

It sounds like this man is watching misogynistic porn. Counselling would be recommended.

I agree no respect for women at all. Sounds like he has sex on you rather than with you. Utterly vile.

So the hair pulling isn't real...

Why don't you be real pocket saviour? you think not liking the sex you are having with your long term partner nearly half the time is nice or normal?
That's pretty fucked up.

I think porn 3 times a week is too much. That's a habit. Occasional use wouldn't bother me as much even though I really dislike the porn industry. So a couple of times a year I could live with but 3 times a week is a hobby. Fancy having porn as your hobby.

Christina, why do I need to list the things I don't like? You just need to know that I don't like them. They are mostly things that are a little degrading. They are not totally off the wall.

JFR, my post that you are responding to said absolutely nothing about the sex the OP is having with her partner.

I already advised her what I would do in a previous post (use her words, basically. The same advice I'd give anyone who said they weren't satisfied with their sex life, in whatever way.)

dogs - I can't link to individual posts on threads (I know it's possible but I don't know how you do it) but this post by a poster who is a somatic bodywork professional on another thread really chimed with me:
"From a professional perspective, whether you agree with porn or not, it is having a huge impact on sex on all levels, not just the physical. I work somatically with porn users who have nerve damage, and the specific approach of the kind of bodywork I do is to change entrenched, ingrained, mindless neural pathways that basically shut down a porn-mastubator's sensations/feelings/thoughts/awareness of themselves and others. Porn, typically, reduces a user to a single, well-used kind of action (think the death grip), which cuts them off from everything apart from that one, contracted, limited and limiting act (limiting in myriad ways, an example of which is cutting them off from intimacy with another person, frequently a partner who has no idea how to get through to them). A lot of this is shrouded in shame, which adds complexity to what they are facing."

I think it's very pertinent to the issues you're having in your relationship. (Thread is here - the poster is called gatewalker.

I don't think you can talk to him about this without talking about his use of porn.

You don't need to list them..you asked for advice, you then mentioned hair pulling...I was just wondering if everything was of an aggressive nature