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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

confused by dh odd behaviour

93 replies

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 02/03/2015 15:18

today, I forgot my purse as it fell out of my bag in the house.
So when I was in town I called dh to see if he could give me some money to get a couple of things.
I suggested lunch as normally we meet for lunch once a week but for a few weeks now he has been putting it off.
What bothered me the most and confused me is I said oh I will come with you to the sandwich shop cause I need a drink. He got really weird with me and said why couldn't I wait till I got home and was deliberately trying to stop me from going into the shop with him.
I knew he was guilty of something because there was a slight look of guilt on his face and he knew he had upset me.
I understand he was hungry and just wanted his lunch but why stop me from going in to get a drink, put me off meeting for lunch for weeks and not say oh darling I have a meeting I really need to get back too!!
He also came home late one night wouldn't reply to my texts or phone calls as it was unusual for him not to reply to me to even say 'on bus or just leaving' he is always back at 6 and was nearly an hour late but him not replying quickly to my text or phone call is not how he normally behaves.
I know this makes me sound a little 'insecure' but this is not like him as I said so please can some wise mnetters smack me one and tell me to wise up or reassure me that my gut is shouting at me!!!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 03/03/2015 10:49

yes. my friend has said I will need to think about it if there is something going on if I get any evidence. I don't really want to think about it but I know I will have too.
I will have to ask him to move out if I find out there is anything happening, I might have an illness but I am not stupid. I hope there isn't but after listening to your advice and the change in character, I feel that maybe my intuition is right.

OP posts:

Original poster

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 03/03/2015 10:51

@blueberrypie
yes it's open to public there is no cafe in his work place. I could show up on any day he goes for his lunch. Or 'happen' to walk past and look through the window.

OP posts:

aftereight · 03/03/2015 11:04

If you have access to his iphone, there is a way of accessing a very detailed log if all the locations he has been over tha last few weeks, with time stamps. Maybe someone can post how to find this, as I can't remember, sorry.. You could then see where his 3pm 'meetings' and late 'work' have been taking place.

Original poster

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 03/03/2015 11:19

thanks yes this would be helpful if someone could do that. Clever technology eh.

OP posts:

NaiceNickname · 03/03/2015 11:19

http://m.iclarified.com/entry/index.php?enid=36198 location tracking on iPhone

I've just checked it on mine, it's very accurate. If he doesn't have Location Services turned on and there is nothing in the frequent locations list then just turn the location services on and check again in a few days.

I'm not usually one for sneaking about like this, I'm a firm believer that once you have to go down this road then there are no chances to do a U turn and you may as well put your foot on the pedal and get the fuck out of there. I do however appreciate some people need evidence to justify their reaction and decision.

I'd even be tempted to go into the shop and say something like "Oh I was here the other day with my brother for lunch and I really liked it so think I'll start popping in more often! He's here every day he says "... and judge the reaction of the girl who looked horrified when she saw you both. She might drop you a crumb that you can work with.

NaiceNickname · 03/03/2015 11:20

link fail, try again!

Original poster

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 03/03/2015 11:41

yes thank you for the link :-) good idea about the shop or the other thing I could do is say dh comes in here every day and comes home boasting about your amazing shop. So I thought I would grab a coffee and a sandwich you know him don't you say (name) see reaction!!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 03/03/2015 12:13

OP, it's very, very unlikely that he's copped off with the sandwich maker! It's far more likely that he's carrying on with someone from work, where he can email her and see her while he's working. Focus on the shop as a place where they meet rather than a place where she works. Why aren't you considering that woman he was whispering to when you were there?

GallicIsCharlie · 03/03/2015 12:27

Don't sandwich makers have sex lives, then, Imperial?
Agreed about the whispering, though.

Original poster

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 03/03/2015 12:28

I never even thought of that!! I did at the time though think for him to do that to another woman was out of order. They were all 20 of them sat at a large table and she was the one he went up to and whispered too this was including bending down to get to her level in front of the other women.
Later that night when he went to the bar she went over to him and chatted with him I could see it he did not look over call me over or introduce me. She is way too old for him though in her late forties but women these days don't care if all they want is a shag do they.

OP posts:

GallicIsCharlie · 03/03/2015 12:35

women these days don't care if all they want is a shag

What?! I thought we were talking here about the way your husband treats you, not casting judgement on "women these days".

Are you from the distant past, then?

Original poster

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 03/03/2015 12:40

erm spoke before I thought sorry!!
yes lets get back to what we were talking about...

OP posts:

Miggsie · 03/03/2015 12:44

Sounds like he treats women like shit - he certainly has no respect for you. If he isn't knocking off the woman at the sandwich shop it will be someone else.

You don't mean anything to him - other than a housekeeper while he does what he wants. You do know he treats you like a servant, don't you? He has no respect for you and doesn't care what you think.

Every so often he'll tell you something to shut you up and you'll be doing this in 10 years, in 20 years etc.

ImperialBlether · 03/03/2015 12:54

Gallic, Don't sandwich makers have sex lives, then, Imperial?" has to be one of the daftest posts I've read on MN.

Look at what the OP has said.

"he introduced me to someone there and she looked like she wanted to run out of the room and looked really panicky"

"He went over to one particular one out of all these women and whispered in her ear just abandoned me"

There's no reason to suggest he's carrying on with someone working at the café. Realistically, it's much more difficult to form a relationship when you're buying a sandwich off someone than if you're working with them all day.

GallicIsCharlie · 03/03/2015 13:15

Very true, Imperial. Mind you, XH1 did. She gave him free cakes, apparently ... Pleased to know I've won some sort of award.

If 'whisper woman' is a team leader, or some sort of den mother, he might have been asking her to look out for 'scared woman' as OP was there. Unless they're the same woman?

ImperialBlether · 03/03/2015 13:22

He sounds a prize, Gallic. Glad he's an ex now.

GallicIsCharlie · 03/03/2015 13:25

Yep, me too

Original poster

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 03/03/2015 13:32

looking back now maybe 'whisper woman' is team leader. It was interesting watching the other women's reaction when he did it.

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