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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

confused by dh odd behaviour

93 replies

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 02/03/2015 15:18

today, I forgot my purse as it fell out of my bag in the house.
So when I was in town I called dh to see if he could give me some money to get a couple of things.
I suggested lunch as normally we meet for lunch once a week but for a few weeks now he has been putting it off.
What bothered me the most and confused me is I said oh I will come with you to the sandwich shop cause I need a drink. He got really weird with me and said why couldn't I wait till I got home and was deliberately trying to stop me from going into the shop with him.
I knew he was guilty of something because there was a slight look of guilt on his face and he knew he had upset me.
I understand he was hungry and just wanted his lunch but why stop me from going in to get a drink, put me off meeting for lunch for weeks and not say oh darling I have a meeting I really need to get back too!!
He also came home late one night wouldn't reply to my texts or phone calls as it was unusual for him not to reply to me to even say 'on bus or just leaving' he is always back at 6 and was nearly an hour late but him not replying quickly to my text or phone call is not how he normally behaves.
I know this makes me sound a little 'insecure' but this is not like him as I said so please can some wise mnetters smack me one and tell me to wise up or reassure me that my gut is shouting at me!!!!!

OP posts:
Batmansunderpants · 02/03/2015 23:34

He really thinks he is the man doesn't he?

TheCraicDealer · 02/03/2015 23:44

Where are you? If you're in NI I'll stalk out this sarnie place no problem. I like sandwiches.

All joking aside, you need to know for your own sanity what's going on here. Pick the friend he knows least, ask her to sit in a discrete corner head down, tapping away on a laptop or reading a magazine and wait. If he is meeting someone he's not going to clock your mate until he's greeted the lunch chum, and even if he does notice it'll be too late.

SelfLoathing · 02/03/2015 23:53

LOL @ OP posting the name of the sandwich shop that suddenly experiences a huge upturn in business of women eating sandwiches at a table for one . . . and then a lone man walks in and a hundred eyes swivel toward him, the sandwich eating stops and silence falls.

A bit of sleuthing is require here OP. He's up to no good and you know it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/03/2015 23:57

OP... Why didn't he just give you the money so you could get your drink and he could go in for his lunch at his leisure?

Why does he need to find a new sandwich place? You didn't do anything.

I feel sad reading your posts where you refer to yourself in his conversations as 'darling' when you're giving a narrative. It doesn't sound as if he's very kind to you at all. He's treating you really badly... needing his lunch indeed. A minute's delay is all you would have cost him. It should have been nothing at all to give you the money - enough for a drink and food if you'd wanted it.

Original poster
ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 03/03/2015 08:11

oops yes did I out myself yesterday bugger. better ask for that one to be removed. Anyhoo. will get my friend to do that definitely. As getting pissed of with this behaviour. I know there is always two sides to a story as my dad says but he just doesn't get a women should be treated. btw he did give me the money and should have just said see ya then

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 03/03/2015 08:16

What time does the shop close OP. Three o'clock by any chance?

Original poster
ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 03/03/2015 08:29

I don't know if i am honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 03/03/2015 08:33

He says it to make me feel i have behaved innapropriately because he has a denyial thing possibly for his bad behaviour. Yes i don't feel loved and told him that. I understand he has good old fashioned values but i would rather be with someone that cheated then someone who is useless at wining and dining a a woman

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 03/03/2015 08:54

That is one of the sadder posts I've read on here. How have you behaved 'inappropriately'? What 'good old fashioned values' does he actually have? And would you really rather be with someone who cheated (and treated you like ordure) as long as he bought you the odd sandwich?

You're viewing yourself as almost worthless. What sort of family did you grow up in by the way?

magoria · 03/03/2015 08:55

So you were with him for him to hand you money and close enough for the shop but this sick, hungry man decided to waste time arguing with you and making you feel shit than to go straight into said shop and get food.

He didn't want you around or in that shop.

I know it is hard after being together so long but you deserve better.

scottgirl · 03/03/2015 09:00

He has also got funny with me when I have needed the car on his evening meetings.

This stood out to me. Does he disappear a lot to go to evening meetings?

scottgirl · 03/03/2015 09:01

Oh and what Fairenuff said, can you google the shops closing time to see if it's 3pm?

Original poster
ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 03/03/2015 09:07

I think in his mind that he sees himself as provider, father and husband and the husband comes into it last and makes me feel like I am here to just run around at home. I know being at home I see it as my position and I am happy not working and just doing whatever but I don't get this behaviour.
I know I have a lot of bad days and I don't even know if I am going to get better I just cannot find the right medication for my illness they are even considering a very expensive drug but I doubt that will work when I have been trying over a decade for the 'perfect' one but aside all of that I am a person and I am his wife and I don't want to be a doormat anymore. He was still trying to justify last night before bed he was 'hungry' I was just like whatever in the end he deliberately didn't' want me there for some reason I have known him over sixteen years and that's not him.

OP posts:
Original poster
ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 03/03/2015 09:14

@scottgirl evening meetings have recently started but it's a big year for his work I can't give out anymore details but I have looked on the company website and they are all accountable for and he is tweeting from the meetings. But again I don't know either why he got funny about having the car. Perhaps giving someone a lift home after them to impress someone???? Or perhaps just not wanting to hang around for bus or taxi in cold. I will also google the shop see if they have a website and times.

OP posts:
Original poster
ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 03/03/2015 09:17

Just googled it no website only map where it is and address and phone number. But if it is a sandwich shop I would guess it would close at that time in the afternoon as no one want them after 3pm do they.

OP posts:
GallicIsCharlie · 03/03/2015 09:23

Are you OK with the phone? You can just ring up and ask what time they close.

wakeywakeyteaandcakey · 03/03/2015 09:25

Op if this shop is in London I'm off all week. Happy to help. Sorry you're going through this, but speaking from experience it does smack of him having an affair.

Original poster
ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 03/03/2015 09:34

yes I can phone them Gallic

Thanks Wakey I'm not in London but would have taken up your offer :-) he also is saying he doesn't see why I am getting so upset and he is at work and he doesn't need to justify his behaviour but of course I have spent a while on mums net now reading various threads to know that his behaviour is not normal. thanks all for your support trying to keep up with everyones comments lol

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 03/03/2015 10:10

I'm in the NW with a couple of free days and a fast car! Let me know.

ptumbi · 03/03/2015 10:11

ANGLES - my immediate thought on reading this is that he is flirting with someone in the shop. He goes in there every day? He doesn't want her to see him with another woman - he is trying to give off 'single' vibes. If he goes in with you, she will see him as married/taken, and his hard work is gone.

I'd spend all my free time in there, from now on.

Original poster
ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 03/03/2015 10:20

@imperial lol not in NW either but thank you too :-)
yes ptumbi I completely agree. yes he is there every single day and I think you are right he is giving off single vibes. He has this saying
'work stays at work - home stays at home'
his denial that he is making himself look single at work I think.
I just phoned them and a 'young' girl answered. It shuts at 3.30
Seems maybe he is flirting with her?…

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 03/03/2015 10:31

What will you actually do once you have this information? Have you mentally stood back from the situation and thought that far?

Bin85 · 03/03/2015 10:36

Tell us roughly whereabouts
I am sure there will be someone on here who fancies a sandwich
Good luck

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 03/03/2015 10:41

I'm in the midlands with a day off tomorrow if that helps? Always fancied myself as a sleuth!

blueberrypie0112 · 03/03/2015 10:45

I am not familiar with how things are done where you live, is this shop a public place? (I asked that because my husband have a cafe' at his workplace so I have to be invited in order to eat with him) can't you just show up without telling him and see what happens?