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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

confused by dh odd behaviour

93 replies

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 02/03/2015 15:18

today, I forgot my purse as it fell out of my bag in the house.
So when I was in town I called dh to see if he could give me some money to get a couple of things.
I suggested lunch as normally we meet for lunch once a week but for a few weeks now he has been putting it off.
What bothered me the most and confused me is I said oh I will come with you to the sandwich shop cause I need a drink. He got really weird with me and said why couldn't I wait till I got home and was deliberately trying to stop me from going into the shop with him.
I knew he was guilty of something because there was a slight look of guilt on his face and he knew he had upset me.
I understand he was hungry and just wanted his lunch but why stop me from going in to get a drink, put me off meeting for lunch for weeks and not say oh darling I have a meeting I really need to get back too!!
He also came home late one night wouldn't reply to my texts or phone calls as it was unusual for him not to reply to me to even say 'on bus or just leaving' he is always back at 6 and was nearly an hour late but him not replying quickly to my text or phone call is not how he normally behaves.
I know this makes me sound a little 'insecure' but this is not like him as I said so please can some wise mnetters smack me one and tell me to wise up or reassure me that my gut is shouting at me!!!!!

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 02/03/2015 20:16

You should have held your ground OP to see what he did. He obviously is hiding something from you. I think you need to make a firm appointment for lunch with him in the shop and make sure you hold his hand or stroke his cheek or something so that it's clear you are a couple. Watch him squirm.

In the meantime, yes send a friend who he doesn't know to check up on him.

AnyFucker · 02/03/2015 20:20

I am sorry about that, sweetheart.

But he is taking the piss, which means he is even worse than I thought if he knows you would end up poorly because of how his actions might affect you

Can I come and show him some "anger" for you ?

cozietoesie · 02/03/2015 20:27

It sounds as if your relationship is already in bad trouble, ITHOUGHT. He doesn't acknoweldge you, he's mean and uncaring to you, he doesn't listen to you, he doesn't seem to find you sexually interesting unless the pair of you are actually in bed (where you could be a blow up doll), he's creating situations to prove you're 'in the wrong' and - I'm sorry - he's almost certainly having an affair with someone else.

What is finding out whatever you do find out going to achieve if you haven't looked hard at the situation you're already in?

AnyFucker · 02/03/2015 20:33

gotta agree with cozie

this is no good, op

no matter whether he's up to no good with the sandwich girl, or someone he meets in the sandwich shop

Original poster
ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 02/03/2015 20:57

yes. I did regret just walking away.
I should have let him go and then walked past a little while later to see if he was in there with anyone but unfortunately I am not good at thinking on the spot like that. I am glad people agree with me because I do wonder sometimes if it's cause I have too much time on my hands but i have known him a long time and his character is changing.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/03/2015 21:09

You know him best. I don't know him and he sounds dodgy as fuck as well as Not Very Nice.

SelfLoathing · 02/03/2015 21:41

I also agree that he was probably meeting a woman in the sandwich shop - not someone who works there.

If he's having an affair or building up to one with a colleague or someone nearby, they may have a routine of meeting for lunch there. He may have been highly anxious that she was there already and see you (for all you know he may have lied about being married). Or he may have been anxious that the sandwich shop staff would say "hi there, not with your usual lady friend today then" or similar.

Trust your instincts on this. I can't believe you didn't say "don't be so ridiculous." and march on in there.

GallicIsCharlie · 02/03/2015 21:55

Your sister's useless. YES, he is keeping something from you. Whatever it is, it's not a lovely birthday surprise. YES, he is treating you disrespectfully and uncaringly.

I understand why you "need to know" but, honestly, this just makes you feel like shit and get down on yourself - I know, I've been there too many times :(

I agree: anger will help you sort your life out more efficiently. Have you ever rang this I company at ten past three, and asked to speak to him? Is the sandwich place big enough for your friend to sit there unnoticed? Or have you got the bottle to just Tell Him You Know (or kick him out for being a miserable sod)?

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 02/03/2015 22:20

This reply has been deleted

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CalleighDoodle · 02/03/2015 22:25

All men dont cheat. Get investigating and then dump him for being a cock

Fairenuff · 02/03/2015 22:29

No, most men are not like that OP. He is treating you very badly and you seem to think that's normal.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 02/03/2015 22:37

You definetly need to do some stealth sleuthing. Take up your friends offer of the sandwich shop.

ImperialBlether · 02/03/2015 22:37

Does he have an iPhone and do you have access to it? I'd have a tracker on his phone in no time.

cozietoesie · 02/03/2015 22:37

ITHOUGHT

Is he saying these things/throwing tantrums in front of DD or within her hearing? How is he with her?

Oh - and does he ever throw things or get physical?

Original poster
ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 02/03/2015 22:41

that's what I thought. I will do the diary thing and see what happens from there. I've been with him since very young so he is my only relationship experience.We have had good times and he saw me through a very difficult time when I nearly died. But since he has been in this job, he works with very important people and I kind of feel it's rubbing of on him. I suppose they say you are like the people you spend the most time with. And from his attitude they seem to be arseholes.

OP posts:
Original poster
ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 02/03/2015 22:45

not in front of DD @Cozie no he hasn't got physical.
he has an i phone I know the passcode but he is very clever and deletes things I think as not much to be seen when I have looked. I wouldn't know how to use the tracker as have a different phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 02/03/2015 22:48

I feel bad writing things on here because there are good things about him but I am really pissed of about today. I felt I was treated with little respect and whether he was 'hungry' or not I should not have been treated like that.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 02/03/2015 22:50

It's possible to find yourself in a situation - a sort of downward spiral - where a person who eg wants something or someone else starts to behave really badly in a sort of provocative way. Almost as if they're unconsciously trying to see how far they can push you before you'll turn - and thus allow them to reject you on those grounds while maintaining their good self-image. ('It wisnae me, honest, it was her......')

I don't know if you're in that position but a diary might well help you to assess his behaviour more clearly.

cozietoesie · 02/03/2015 22:51

x post.

Don't feel bad. There's a lot more to your situation than one 'disagreement' over a sandwich I think?

iwashappy · 02/03/2015 22:54

I am sorry about your husband's behaviour, unfortunately it does seem somewhat dodgy.

If you didn't go into the sandwich shop with him then I don't see how he would feel he has to get his sandwiches elsewhere because of your reaction.

It sounds to me that he realises his actions may have brought suspicion on whatever his reasons are for being in the sandwich shop that he doesn't want you to know about. He could therefore be worried that you might check up on him and his saying he won't be there anymore is his way of trying to put you off going there.

He may not be having an affair, it could be that he flirts with one of the staff or he is over friendly with someone and meets her for a chat. But he is doing something that he knows you would be upset about.

Personally I would suggest that he is meeting someone at the sandwich shop hence why he didn't want you to go in as she would have recognised him and seen that you were with him. It could be she doesn't know that he is married and he thought she would greet him as if they were together. That would also fit with the woman from the shop acting surprised that his wife wasn't the woman that she had regularly seen him with.

It may just be an emotional affair although his recent behaviour in coming home late suggests that it could have escalated.

I hope I am wrong and I hope you are okay. Flowers

Original poster
ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 02/03/2015 22:55

yes i think he is upset I don't trust him but as I think i said earlier we have had many situations like this even if it's just he likes a banter and flirt it doesn't make me feel respected especially when he is not trying to make an effort with me for a long time. It does start to make me wonder if he is still attracted to me.

OP posts:
Batmansunderpants · 02/03/2015 22:57

I am angry for you OP.

How dare he tell you that you can't get a sandwhich there anymore due to your behaviour! Sounds so much like he has a long standing date at lunch and wants to put you off going there again!

Please don't let him manipulate you!

Batmansunderpants · 02/03/2015 23:04

Also ithought, please don't feel obligated to believe him as he has been with you through illness. You aren't expected to be treated like crap out of gratitude to the past.

Sorry for the multiple posts, but you deserve better.

Christinayang1 · 02/03/2015 23:12

What an arse, especially when he knows you aren't fit for it

We are quite happy to meet him at the sand which shop and show him the damage we can do with a cheese and pickle...

AnyFucker · 02/03/2015 23:26

I'd like to give this bloke a taste of his own bullshit.

On a sandwich. With a side order of whoop-ass.