Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've put a lock on my bedroom door.

95 replies

Onepollock · 27/02/2015 16:50

Husband and I are separated and I am trying to buy him out of our family home which I am living in with our 3 and 4 year olds.

He lives in a flat that we owned.

I move out every Wed night and every other Fri and Sat night so he can see the children as he won't have them at his flat at weekends.

Things have been very bad between us and he refuses to accept the money I've offered him we're stuck in limbo.

We have two spare rooms currently as the children chose to share. I have put a double bed into the one next door and asked him to sleep in there. Despite that he continues to sleep in my bed, leaving dirty underwear in the bed and never changing sheets etc. yesterday I put a lock on the door and he has got very angry indeed saying he has a right to access all areas of his house. None of his possessions are there any more. And I gave no one room where I can keep my things from him.

He has says I must remove the lock and I've said no. Am I in trouble?

OP posts:
hamptoncourt · 27/02/2015 16:52

"he won't have them at his flat at weekends"

Tough!

This is crazy - what does your solicitor say about it? I would not move out to allow him to stay - tell him the DC will be ready and he can either have them overnight at his or bring them back.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/02/2015 17:06

Do you have a solicitor or are you cobbling all of this together as you go? Even though he is Co owner of your home he has no right to be there. You are entitled to privacy and security and he should respect that. I suggest that, via your solicitor, you make a reasonable offer of a contact schedule which does not involve him spending time in your home. If he turns it down, that's his choice. If he interferes with the lock on your door, damages your home, or turns up behaving unpleasantly I suggest you involve the police, get it put on record and have him removed,

RandomNPC · 27/02/2015 17:08

He's obviously doing this as a power thing; you don't have to put up with it.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 27/02/2015 17:15

If he was a Tom cat he'd be pissing on everything.

Original poster
Onepollock · 27/02/2015 17:36

Yes def an element of marking his territory. Just spoken to the solicitor who said he supports my decision to put a lock on. He has two other rooms to chose from and a flat where he has his own space.

The house share arrangement was only ever supposed to be short term and was a way of getting him out. That was last August and I can't really hack it any more. He eats my food and drinks my booze and calls me petty if I ask him not to.

I have called a neighbour after he was particularly unpleasant recently but have never called the police.

OP posts:
stormtreader · 27/02/2015 17:37

I expect he was having a good nose through your stuff when you werent there! Seconding everyone else, get your solicitor on this, hes got himself a lovely private flat and still wants access to piss all over your house as well, nope nope nope.

RandomMess · 27/02/2015 17:41

Is he abusive to you in ANY way? use that as a means to get an occupation order?

SolidGoldBrass · 27/02/2015 17:45

Put locks on the fridge and the drinks cupboard as well! And discuss the possiblity of an occupation order with your solicitor - if he has moved out and none of his possessions are in your home, he doesn't have the right to interfere with yours, or to be there without your permission.

Original poster
Onepollock · 27/02/2015 17:47

He has been foul for ages. His latest is accusing me of neglect of the children because my youngest had a very minor burn while we were cooking. Threatened social services etc. this was the night before a deadline on an offer I'd made to buy him out. Obv wasn't too concerned about their safety when he left them for 3 weeks over Christmas and I had to email him to ask him to Skype them.

We've looked at occupation orders before and solicitor thinks if behaviour deteriorated further we should but he has been quite cautious up until this point.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 17:48

Time to get tough. He has his time with the children at his flat or not at all. You shouldn't have to move out of your own bed to accomodate his contact with them.

RandomMess · 27/02/2015 17:50

I think I would start refusing contact at the marital home. He takes them out and returns them or keeps them at the flat - his choice.

Any raised voices from him etc. call the police, get it on record, get your occupation order.

Sorry but he is being a nasty abusive bully and it is not good for your dc to let this continue.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/02/2015 18:49

I think your solicitor is being over cautious. There's a point where you take their advice and there's a point where you say 'this isn't working any more, how do I get him out?' Make them earn their money

Original poster
Onepollock · 27/02/2015 19:22

Yup I think your prob right. I have spent 8k already and haven't got very far. Having said that H is an amazingly difficult person to deal with.

OP posts:
ouryve · 27/02/2015 19:27

You need him out of there for good. No more staying over. Why the hell should you have to leave your own home when he has a flat of his own, anyhow? It's purely for power that he's doing this.

georgepigsdinosaur · 27/02/2015 19:27

"Any raised voices call the police" why? What law has been broken?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/02/2015 19:31

He reminds me of my friend's ex who spent five thousand disputing maintenace arrears of three thousand.... only to lose the case. :) Sorry he'd rather be a dick and waste everyone's money....

Tell me, if you bolted up your house, stopped the weekend visits, changed the locks and were generally a lot less amenable than you've been up to now, what do you think his reaction would be? Angry ranting and dragged away by police or an avalanche of frivolous legal letters?

RandomMess · 27/02/2015 19:33

Would you like to be intimidated in your own home in front of your dc?

He is playing games and being hostile. Your home should be your sanctuary and he is refusing to let it be.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/02/2015 19:33

'What law has been broken?'

Anyone being subjected to aggressive behaviour in their own home is entitled to call 999

georgepigsdinosaur · 27/02/2015 19:37

The poster said "any raised voices" How is that a police matter?

RandomMess · 27/02/2015 19:53

Okay perhaps I should have made it crystal clear

"If he starts behaving in anyway that you are finding threatening or intimidating call the police!

FGS Hmm

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 27/02/2015 19:57

I can't get over the dirty underwear in your bed, total lack of any sort of respect.

If he can't respect your right to your own space, I would be inclined to stop the week nights and every other weekend at the house. Let him take you to Court.

I think I would go for an occupation order if he continues to be awkward and unreasonable.

It would be worth phoning 101 or Womens' Aid to get some advice on what he can and can't do and the best way to carry on from here.

MadeMan · 27/02/2015 20:03

"...saying he has a right to access all areas of his house."

Access Denied.

Original poster
Onepollock · 27/02/2015 20:54

Thank you very much. Time to be a lot tougher.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/02/2015 21:27

'Raised voices....'

If someone walked into your home uninvited right now and raised their voice at you, would you regard that as perfectly acceptable behaviour or would you be on the phone to the police? If you are a tenant and the landlord let themselves in without your permission and started shouting and being unpleasant, would you say that was lawful?

The fact that the man is still a co-owner is a red herring.

MadeMan · 27/02/2015 22:48

"red herring"

I love this phrase, it's so Agatha Christie-ish; evokes mystery and suspense. Grin

Swipe left for the next trending thread