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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've put a lock on my bedroom door.

95 replies

Onepollock · 27/02/2015 16:50

Husband and I are separated and I am trying to buy him out of our family home which I am living in with our 3 and 4 year olds.

He lives in a flat that we owned.

I move out every Wed night and every other Fri and Sat night so he can see the children as he won't have them at his flat at weekends.

Things have been very bad between us and he refuses to accept the money I've offered him we're stuck in limbo.

We have two spare rooms currently as the children chose to share. I have put a double bed into the one next door and asked him to sleep in there. Despite that he continues to sleep in my bed, leaving dirty underwear in the bed and never changing sheets etc. yesterday I put a lock on the door and he has got very angry indeed saying he has a right to access all areas of his house. None of his possessions are there any more. And I gave no one room where I can keep my things from him.

He has says I must remove the lock and I've said no. Am I in trouble?

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 27/02/2015 22:53

Yes: get tough. When a man has been abusive, he loses the right to have his feelings tiptoed around: don't worry about upsetting him. Keep him at as much of a distance as possible - communication via email only and he has contact with DC somewhere other than in your home.

PissingTomCat · 27/02/2015 23:05

As you can tell, I have name changed for this post. Grin

He is pissing all over your territory. My ex is similar. He literally pissed all over the newly installed toilet seat though. He metaphorically pisses all over my territory too.

If he can not stop stealing your stuff, then he has the children out of the home. Tough luck he does not want them at the flat. He is using them to continue to control and piss on your territory.

MadeMan · 27/02/2015 23:30

"As you can tell, I have name changed for this post."

And it was quite an appropriate name change choice, given the main keyword content of the post. Smile

Original poster
Onepollock · 28/02/2015 11:41

And as punishment for the lock he hung up on me when I tried to ring the children this morn. My oldest was off school this week and although he's much better I'd really like to talk to him.

Up until this point I have not returned the house during his weekend with the children so all jobs like uniform, cleaning etc have to be done on Sunday pm/eve. Do you think it would be too inflammatory to go back in and get on with things? He usually takes them out on Saturday anyway. I want to start to get him to see this is now my house.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 28/02/2015 11:49

Personally I would keep out of the way today. Not because you're not entitled to be there, but because it could be a bad scene and inflame things further- possibly with kids as witnesses.

Sounds like, as with all of these things he will get over it in time, but whenever you set a new boundary he has to punish you. I would take the line that you are asking him to have them at his and it is no longer working having him and you swapping.

Do you trust him to look after them ok at his?

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 11:53

This is a ridiculous situation. You are staying away from your own house ! You may have locked him out of your bedroom but you are effectively locked out of the whole house right now !

I am a brazen bitch, so i would simply march back in and get on with the chores that need doing. Or alternatively, text him and tell him to sort out the kids uniform. He's a parent, isn't he ? Do you simply get all the shit bits and he sits on his arse while "caring" for them, filling his undies with skiddies he leaves in your bed and snorting all your food down his brass fucking neck ?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/02/2015 11:58

I rather agree with the PP. Go back at the usual allotted time but go back with a clear plan about how you are going to keep him out of the house from this point onwards. By not responding short-term, you then have the luxury of time. A whole week to properly secure the place, get any support in place, tell him the new contact arrangements for the following weekend (at his place naturally) and anticipate what you might do in the event of a range of reactions.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/02/2015 11:59

'Don't get mad, get even'... I think they call it.

SolidGoldBrass · 28/02/2015 14:51

Yes, definitely secure the house, change all locks etc then send him an email saying that you have decided it is better for the children to see him outside your home and that due to his behaviour he is no longer welcome in your home. Have a word with the local police/DV unit to the effect that he doesn't live there and has none of his property there; that you are divorcing him/buying him out because of his abusive behaviour, etc, so they will have it on file that he may be a problem and you will get a faster response if he does kick off.
He can't force his way into the house against your wishes: the police can and will come and remove him if he tries. He could appeal to a court to be given keys, but that will take a while and you will be able to get an occupation order while he's still farting around.

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 28/02/2015 14:57

May I ask where you go when forced out of the house for his visits? Does he give you the keys to his flat?

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 15:04

I imagine Op trailing the rain soaked streets, mauling around shops, making a cappucino last 3 hours in Costa, reading a Mills and Boon in the library, sofa surfing at friends, pressing her nose up against windows to stare with tears rolling down her cheeks at the families within....

Very dramatic. No more dramatic though than having to leave your own house and come back to remove the shit stained underwear of this utter prick from your bed. I wouldn't be surprised if he shags women in your bed, OP. Woudl you know about it if he did ?

Holdthepage · 28/02/2015 15:09

You need to get back to your solicitor & tell him to take the necessary steps to put an end to this farce. This idiot will never accept an offer to buy him out because he will lose his "right" to turf you out of your own home on a regular basis.

As for sleeping in your bed & leaving his dirty underwear behind, words fail me!

Original poster
Onepollock · 28/02/2015 15:17

Well it's not quite as bad as that! I have local family and friends who I visit and he wants me back by midday Sunday anyway. Just such hard work to et all the jobs done after he has gone.

You're right about me being locked out of my own house but the children are used to this arrangement and it is easier for me to monitor.

He used to drink a lot so Squeegle yes I am a bit concerned about having less knowledge of what they're doing. I have 'eyes' in the village! He has signed an agreement to stay under drink driving limit when looking after the children and the children do need to see him so I think I need to trust that he won't.

I don't think my solicitor thought changing the locks was a good idea but I haven't discussed that with him for a while.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 15:20

OP, why doesn't he get the kids uniforms ready ?

if he wants to do "family" things with his kids in the "family" house, he should be doing the relevant chores too

He really did a number on you, love. I hope you change it, forthwith. You are having the almighty piss extracted I am afraid.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/02/2015 15:30

Your solicitor will not recommend changing the locks because it would be bad advice legally speaking. However, practically speaking, you have the right to feel secure & private in your own home. Equally, your children deserve to be able to pursue a relationship with their father but what you've got in place at the moment is unworkable.

So a letter to say that access will from now on be at his place & that he is not to enter the former family home without your express invitation, backed up by a few sensible changes to your home security should achieve both aims. Not confrontational, not illegal, not unreasonable....

IchBinEinNerd · 28/02/2015 16:15

Nightmare for you. I don't know if this would make things harder for you too, in which case forget it because you have a lot on your plate, but why can't he have the children at his flat?

You deserve a tiny private space. Brew

And, you offered to buy him out and he won't take the money? He just wants to have a ''family home'' that he can continue to feel at home in even when it's not his home, the house is for sale, he has his own place............ yeh, all about control.

I hope your solicitor can support you sorting it out.

Original poster
Onepollock · 05/03/2015 14:30

An update from last week in that I have had a letter from his solicitor to say he is within his rights to break the lock on the door if he wishes to. Apparently there isn't a reason for me to have done it.

Secondly I'd mentioned I was going to start coming back at weekends to get on with jobs and his solicitor has said it will confuse the children and H does not permit it.

I am so sick of this. He wants to grind me down so I will give him more money. He goes round the house looking for things to trip me up with. our just turned 3 year old has had a potty training regression recently and he said it was because I wasn't giving her enough attention. Anything he can think of to be as unkind as possible.

I just feel at such a low ebb as this has been going on for so long.

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/03/2015 14:42

It looks like you need a more aggressive solicitor who is used to this type of person and you need to define boundaries more clearly.
If he doesn't have the children in his flat, then he doesn't have them.

pocketsaviour · 05/03/2015 14:49

A letter from his solicitor? Have you contacted your solicitor and got his/her thoughts on this?

SolidGoldBrass · 05/03/2015 15:02

Get on to your solicitor and WA. This man needs to be told to fuck right off. THere is no reason for him to set foot in the house any more, and given that he is stealing food and drink and threatening to cause damage, he can be kept out - and arrested if he tries to break in.
Don't worry about antagonising him. He's an unreasonable prick, and the only way to deal with men like this is to cut off as much contact as possible and not care about their feelings. Inform him that you will only communicate via email in future and only on the subject of children/finance, and if he texts, ignore the texts, if he phones, hang up on him. When he comes to the house to collect DC, let them out of the front door and shut it in his face.

blueberrypie0112 · 05/03/2015 15:12

This living rearrangement is silly and needs to end. Especially when people are getting hostile over it. He seem to think he is in a relationship because you allow him to stay.

If he won't have his kids at his flat then it is his loss. I don't think he is into his kids if he talks like that.

cestlavielife · 05/03/2015 15:16

get the divorce rolling asap.
get it recorded that the house is yours to live in now in peace - he has another property to live in the does not need to see dc at yours. what is confusing for dc is that eh comes to the house and behaves as tho you still living there together. except the dc see that when he is there he reigns supreme... isnt that just as confusing? do teh dc actually know you divorcing?

dont ask solicitor just "lose" the keys and oh dear you have to change locks...he can rant and rage and apply to court to get access tot eh property - you counter claim and say that you are the occupier now he has his own place.

that the children have to see him yes but dont forget he was happy to bugger off for 3 weeks...
he can quite easily see them at his flat - you could drop off there. hre you are wave and good bye..

yes you can call police 999 if he is being shouty and you scared or dc are scared. you can also call 101 and report any threats etc.

cestlavielife · 05/03/2015 15:18

and your 3 year old is maybe showing regression because of the tension in the house and all the confusion; he doesn't know what is what does he? mum in the house, dad in the house; arguments etc ...he wont know what the heck is going on? make it clear, set the boundaries, time with mum in one house; time with dad in another - the dc can then settle down into a routine.

cestlavielife · 05/03/2015 15:19

you need to get your solicitor moving to sort out the finances and houses.

BeCool · 05/03/2015 15:40

I would not let him in the house again.

I was overly accommodating after I kicked EA XP out. He had family to stay with, but I let him keep keys to my flat and bring the children there after school when he picked them up once or twice a week as he was staying across town - I was trying to "do the right thing" .

Until the day he got on yet another abusive nasty rant at me one day. I immediately took the keys back, changed the locks and would not let him into the flat for over a year. best thing ever.

It is a mistake to accommodate this man the way you are - you need him out and dealing with his own life.