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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've put a lock on my bedroom door.

95 replies

Onepollock · 27/02/2015 16:50

Husband and I are separated and I am trying to buy him out of our family home which I am living in with our 3 and 4 year olds.

He lives in a flat that we owned.

I move out every Wed night and every other Fri and Sat night so he can see the children as he won't have them at his flat at weekends.

Things have been very bad between us and he refuses to accept the money I've offered him we're stuck in limbo.

We have two spare rooms currently as the children chose to share. I have put a double bed into the one next door and asked him to sleep in there. Despite that he continues to sleep in my bed, leaving dirty underwear in the bed and never changing sheets etc. yesterday I put a lock on the door and he has got very angry indeed saying he has a right to access all areas of his house. None of his possessions are there any more. And I gave no one room where I can keep my things from him.

He has says I must remove the lock and I've said no. Am I in trouble?

OP posts:

Original poster

Onepollock · 08/03/2015 16:36

He does need access to the room as there is a leak into the room that needs looking at. What I don't want is continued access while I'm away.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 08/03/2015 17:25

I would ask him what building firm he is using, and then call them and rearrange the appointment.

anonacfr · 08/03/2015 17:27

I agree. And tell him it's that or you're going with one of the three quotes you've already done.
You've got no access to his place I presume?

Original poster

Onepollock · 08/03/2015 18:05

Good idea. That way I'm not denying access but it suits me. Nope. It was his flat before we were married but I guess a joint aset?

OP posts:

Original poster

Onepollock · 08/03/2015 22:15

And if I decide the only thing left to me is to initiate proceedings against him will I shoulder the costs of taking him to court even if I've made a resonable offer recently that he has rejected?

OP posts:

SensationalGirl · 09/03/2015 05:40

Oh, a joint asset is it? Well then you can stay at his place while he's at yours.

Get your solicitor to send that letter. You'll need keys as well. And you'll also need access for decorating as it'll probably be sold in the settlement.

Plus he can't make any changes without your written approval.

It's time to be a bit of a bitch. I don't see how it's legal that he is allowed to break a door in to a room he does not need to be in without it being seen as harassment and destroying marital property.

And about breaking the lock, there is another poster who's husband has hidden all their documents in a safe in their house and she has been told by her solicitor she can't have it opened or removed. There is a double standard going on here in the mens favour.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/03/2015 07:10

What proceedings would you be initiating OP? Currently, the argument centres around whether or not he has free access to the shared property or whether he needs your permission. If you work on the basis that he does NOT have free access without your permission and if you state that clearly, then it is up to him to initiate proceedings showing why he should have free access.

In the meantime, you offer alternatives for seeing the children and you also offer to supervise the builder survey. Very reasonable.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/03/2015 07:15

" been told by her solicitor she can't have it opened or removed."

It's the same standard. If the other poster does not have the combination to the safe (which is implicit in the idea that it has to be either 'opened or removed') then it is a personal item belonging to the husband. I think a similar principle would apply to a password-protected laptop.

Original poster

Onepollock · 11/03/2015 14:57

He is due tonight and has threatened 'an incident' if I leave the room locked. So I have taken quite a big step and spoken to non emergency police about it. It has been logged which I'm pleased about although it felt quite surreal. He's just emailed to say the room must be left open. Urgh.

I have given a deadline of the Easter holidays for the leaving arrangement to change.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 11/03/2015 15:00

Good for you on speaking to 101. Is there any friend available tonight who could be with you if he does kick off? More as moral support for you than physical protection - just someone to back you up if you need to say "this is unacceptable and I'm calling the police".

Bear in mind that you've, in his view, defied him here. He is all about controlling you, isn't he? He probably can't believe that you haven't just rolled over and done his bidding! Stay strong!

LittleBairn · 11/03/2015 15:07

That's a blatant threat I would call the police and ask for them to be there when he turns up that you are afraid of what he may do.

TheOddity · 11/03/2015 15:17

Sorry OP, the only advice I have for you is to play merry hell with your solicitor that this is still dragging on, and repost this on the legal thread. This isn't a relationship issue, it's a legal issue. The relationship is clearly over and you're onto the next stage where some proper legal advice would massively help you.

RandomMess · 11/03/2015 18:28

Well done for speaking to the police and hope it goes okay this evening, keep the phone on you at all times and don't be afraid to not let him in if he's being threatening.

Original poster

Onepollock · 11/03/2015 19:24

Except he was thoroughly lovely to the kids and didn't even mention it! The police are going to think I'm bonkers....

OP posts:

Rjae · 11/03/2015 19:51

You don't have the right to lock him out of his property of part of it. You are doing the wrong thing by locking him out but if he broke the lock he is also doing the wrong thing by damaging your joint property! Just make him aware of this, but allow him access for the practical purposes as you have to do this. Just lock it when he has left.

You need to try to cooperate with each other just to get the financial side sorted and move on and stop this rather childish behaviour or you will be spending thousands on solicitor fees just arguing over a locked door.

thenightsky · 11/03/2015 20:46

Can you strip the bed right off and remove all the pillows? Make the room uncomfortable.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 12/03/2015 20:17

I'd be tempted to buy a safe for the bedroom, put nothing exciting in it but make sure it's in there when I start leaving the door unlocked again. Let him drive himself insane thinking I'd actually been hiding something in the room.

textfan · 13/03/2015 04:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Momagain1 · 16/04/2015 22:03

Hey, ONeP, wondering how things are going now? Is he out?

PlanningMyFuture · 16/04/2015 22:15

Start moving on getting a financial settlement. Tell your solicitor it is affecting your well being and that they are dragging and you will report them to the Law Society (or the other branch that was called Solicitors' Complaints Bureau). Get the papers drafted and into Court and start moving things on. This situation is highly damaging. You need to show the Court that too - unambiguously.

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