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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've put a lock on my bedroom door.

95 replies

Onepollock · 27/02/2015 16:50

Husband and I are separated and I am trying to buy him out of our family home which I am living in with our 3 and 4 year olds.

He lives in a flat that we owned.

I move out every Wed night and every other Fri and Sat night so he can see the children as he won't have them at his flat at weekends.

Things have been very bad between us and he refuses to accept the money I've offered him we're stuck in limbo.

We have two spare rooms currently as the children chose to share. I have put a double bed into the one next door and asked him to sleep in there. Despite that he continues to sleep in my bed, leaving dirty underwear in the bed and never changing sheets etc. yesterday I put a lock on the door and he has got very angry indeed saying he has a right to access all areas of his house. None of his possessions are there any more. And I gave no one room where I can keep my things from him.

He has says I must remove the lock and I've said no. Am I in trouble?

OP posts:
BeCool · 05/03/2015 15:42

I just feel at such a low ebb as this has been going on for so long.
You will feel better knowing he's not coming back into your home - promise!

Original poster
Onepollock · 05/03/2015 17:17

Hi Becool

Thanks but he jointly owns the house rather than it being mine so it is a bit trickier.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 05/03/2015 17:26

I jointly own a flat with exp. he has changed the locks - under pretext one broke, also communal doors were changed also... and wont give me new set. i even gave him £10 to get me a set... I could of course go to court to get a set. i have a court order as it happens but will cost me to implement it...the point is you can do what my ex is doing and passively protest and not let him in - let him go to court to get access. anyway as i dont live there i would in theory have to give notice to go in the property etc.

but my point is, the fact of it being joint owned legally is one thing but what happens in practice is another. yes he is entitled to access his things in the joint property but if he has moved out and moved his things out (and if he hasnt, why not? get them transported to his new flat)

then you can rightly say that you want peaceful occupation. you could simply lose keys change locks, set your boundaries...he can go to court for access at which point you explain you are divorcing and he has no need for daily access as he lives elsewhere. take his name of everything you can (except joint mortgage and land registry which you obviously cannot do at this stage) put bills in your name only. tell the council you are a lone adult in the house and get the single person discount. etc take charge.

stop letting him live there half the week - stop making him chuck you out when he has some place else to live and to have the dc.

let him go to court and tell a judge he demands to live in two properties at the same time while making you homeless for three days a week.

Original poster
Onepollock · 05/03/2015 20:10

Thank you cestlavie though sorry for you as it sounds frustrating. I have to change things as the children are being unsettled by this uncomfortable limbo. I also know he won't change this deadlock so it's down to me. I know the solicitor can't advise on lock change but we've come so close to applying for an occupation order anyway based on his horrible begavior and in the past on his drinking.

His plan is to be as mean as possible so I can't take it any longer so I give him the extra cash to go away. Even with court this would take a very long time.

I have all bills but the mortgage in my name plus single person council tax etc. he is not paying towards the house in any way but eating my food and using up my bills 4 x per fortnight while at the same time refusing to cover the nanny's expenses or take any time off work if the children are ill. That's down to me!

OP posts:
Pinkfizzywizzydodah · 05/03/2015 20:30

I would do what cestlavielife has suggested....what's the worst the judge will do but make you give him a copy of the keys. He is not playing nice and now nor should you.

cestlavielife · 05/03/2015 21:43

Focus on one thing at a time. Priority now is he stops coming into your house stops eating your food etc. so, from now you drop the dc at his flat. When he brings them back go outside and meet them in garden or on street don't give him chance to come in house.

Regardless of ownership you now live in separate houses.

AnyFucker · 05/03/2015 21:48

his solicitor said this, his solicitor said that

so what ?

cestlavielife · 05/03/2015 21:58

Just pay and apply for the occupation order . Why wait ? You have enough reason ie he lives elsewhere and is forcing you to be homeless three days a week or fortnight. He has no reason whatsoever to be In The house so get an order which sets it out clearly . He has another home.
www.adviceguide.org.uk/wales/relationships_w/relationships_relationship_problems_e/relationships_relationship_breakdown_and_housing/relationships_common_issues_-_relationship_breakdown_and_housing/relationship_breakdown_and_housing___occupation_orders.htm

So send him a.cease and desist letter from your sol saying from now contact with dc is outside the home as you will be occupying it as is your right every day. If he refuses then Go get that order. Money well spent. Then let court decid how much you pay to buy him out.

Original poster
Onepollock · 05/03/2015 22:13

Thank you Cestlavie for taking the time to send that link. I'm looking at it.

OP posts:
NeedABumChange · 06/03/2015 11:37

Your whole set up would be fine if he was reasonable and the split was friendly but it doesn't sound as though it it. I think it's time to stop him staying over and make him have the children at his flat. Is that possible? Can you simply refuse to let him in the house? Change locks and everything?

AuntieDee · 06/03/2015 18:42

The only advice I have other than what has already been suggested is that if he is staying there 3 nights a week you cannot claim single occupancy and could get in to trouble and end up having to pay extra. Change the locks at the earliest opportunity and get everything sorted via the courts ASAP.

If your solicitor is being really weak and feeble tell them what you want and insist they do it. If they refuse to act in good time in your best interests find someone who will - they are ten a penny. You need a mean one!!

RandomMess · 06/03/2015 19:49

Yep get on with it, he has no right to see the dc in the home where you are living.

He is going to play nasty and difficult regardless so just get on with doing what you need to for you and the dc to have the best life possible starting from now.

Original poster
Onepollock · 06/03/2015 22:42

Urgh solicitor said that occupation order is only a temp measure and long term it would be cheaper to start financial proceedings.

I phoned my H for a final attempt at seeing if there anything we can do to resolve it ourselves. He wants access to the locked bedroom to get a building quote. Long story but the roof needs replacing. I have said fine to access for that but I will lock it after the builders have gone.

He said he's hoped we could avoid that as there will be an incident if I try and re lock the door. What do I do? He has booked builders for the night and weekend he is here next week. I said surely you can see that I need a bit of personal space when he has his own flat and two other bedrooms to chose from and he said that I coukd have that when I buy him out and until that point 50% of everything is his and that he must face access to all parts of the house.

If I issue proceedings do the costs lie with me?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/03/2015 22:47

He doesn't need access to your home in order to get a building quote. The builder needs access and you can supervise. Cancel the builders until you can be there with them personally. Cancel his visits - he sees the children at his own residence. Keep the door locked.

Then call 101, ask for the police DV unit and tell them you anticipate trouble. If there is an 'incident'.... and I would take that to be a direct threat and therefore very, very seriously..... then you will get priority attention.

This is your home.

anonacfr · 07/03/2015 17:50

That is a threat. I would seriously consider calling someone to get advice.

cestlavielife · 08/03/2015 00:37

Did he refer to an incident in email or text ? What incident ?

Yes order may be short term but you need that short term clear message as your h not getting it.
Your solicitor isn't living this. I don't think your solicitor understands.

He does not need to access every room In the house or even the house at all.
You can supervise builders I. Fact it's ideal opportunity to say that you will oversee the builders and much better the dc go off the building site to his flat for the weekend . You don't want them around builders and ladders etc .

cestlavielife · 08/03/2015 00:39

By going for a shirt term occupation order you send a clear message.
And if he doesn't respect it he can he held accountable. Be arrested,.
And it will show his true colours.

cestlavielife · 08/03/2015 00:41

The quote is a piece of paper ? So you find it and hand it over. No need to access the bedroom.

Do roofers need access to the bedroom surely they do everything from outside ? Get informed about this.
If you buying him out then you can take over this roof project. He doesn't need to be involved at all.

Original poster
Onepollock · 08/03/2015 09:17

I've already given 3 quotes but he wants to get his own. It is really a chance to make me keep the room open for the time he is in the house ie control.

OP posts:
AuntieDee · 08/03/2015 09:19

If you are buying him out why does he even need to be involved in getting the roof fixed? Get it done after the house is in your name. All it is going to do is raise the value of the house and mean you will have to pay him more - he will be the only one who will benefit financially.
Get it done after the completion and you benefit

Original poster
Onepollock · 08/03/2015 10:43

Because it has been added in as part of the buy out figure. So I need to allow him to get his own quotes I suppose. just not sure if it is worth the fight for me to insist on the door being locked again afterwards.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/03/2015 11:02

Getting his own quote still doesn't mean he gets to enter the property without your permission. He can nominate the builder.... you can supervise the survey. You realise this is all about power? He's not really interested in another quote.

So stay strong. Defend your privacy. Be as difficult as necessary and keep that door locked.

Holdthepage · 08/03/2015 13:54

Builders do not need access to your bedroom to provide quotes for a new roof. You have provided 3 quotes already, he is royally taking the piss now. Demanding access to your bedroom & threatening an incident oversteps the mark, you really do need some advice from the police on their non emergency number.

Do not take the lock off your bedroom door, giving in to him will not make this stop, he will find something else to harass you with. I am not sure your solicitor is taking this seriously enough.

Holdthepage · 08/03/2015 13:57

I have had 2 houses re roofed, on neither occasion did the builder need to go into my bedroom!

RandomMess · 08/03/2015 14:25

I really think you need to play hardball here too. Simply state that you feel intimidated and threatened by him and he is not welcome to set foot in the his again without police supervision.

If he kicks off that is all more weight to his unreasonableness.

You clearly do feel frightened and intimidated as you are considering conceding to him having full access again. This could go on for years yet!

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