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Original poster

Am I mad- is another man texting my wife 'hey beautiful' acceptable?

106 replies

Husband99 · 26/02/2015 17:50

My wife has a male friend whom she has known before we got together. Nothing ever happened between them, but he did confess to liking my wife in a way beyond friendship to her. He, along with other female friends he has, takes them out for dinner (including my wife- he always pays), and has bought my wife expensive gifts. For example, before we were engaged he bought her a mobile phone for over £200. I have always found this a little odd, but accepted it. I too have very close friends who are female- indeed, my two best friends are female, and we are just that- friends- and I do not lavish them with gifts- certainly no more than any other friends. I then saw on my wife's phone that he texted her 'hey beautiful, how are you?'. I was mortified. It made me snoop (it saddens me to admit this) further in which I found an email in which my wife was seeking his address to send him a birthday present. He replied - 'What's are you sending me? Roses on Valentines Day? xx'

Am I mad? I think this is completely out of order, and a genuine betrayal of trust between two men, and makes me reconsider the acceptability of him taking my wife for dinner and purchasing gifts. Am I wrong to feel this way? Please- tell me your thoughts.

OP posts:

Quangle · 26/02/2015 17:54

Hmm. I don't know. It sounds as if he is a little overinvested, shall we say.

But as for this being a betrayal of trust between two men - that's just very odd. There isn't a brotherhood that divvies up the women between them with a pledge from each brother not to betray the other brothers. More relevant - what does your wife say about this?

Original poster

Husband99 · 26/02/2015 18:00

I am with you- that might be my embellishment of language. She told me she found it odd. I certainly don't mean it to sound like a 'brotherhood'; rather I just mean I trust another man to be able to take my wife out for dinner knowing they are just friends. I don't expect to have to read things like that on a text message. My wife is beautiful...I agree with him, but I can't help but feel offended and I guess...betrayed.

Keen for more thoughts.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2015 18:01

Of course it's out of order. Unless he's gay, he's not a friend, he's flirting with your wife and the rest of his little harem. I hope she'll tell you that she's not interested in him romantically but that's rather beside the point. If you know a 'friend's' behaviour is likely to upset your partner you put a stop to it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2015 18:04

BTW the responsibility for curbing this guy's enthusiasm is your wife's.

whatsagoodusername · 26/02/2015 18:05

Well, my DH is quite likely to greet a number of his many female friends as "Hey, beautiful", so that in itself could be all right.

But the rest of it sounds totally inappropriate. And coupled with the rest of it, it is also totally inappropriate.

Paddingtonthebear · 26/02/2015 18:07

I would be embarrassed and find that level of attention very awkward if I was married and a male friend was acting that way towards me. To the point that I would have said something to the friend quite a while ago if I were your wife. It's not really appropriate. Do you think your wife likes the attention from him a little bit? It's all well and good that they've been in the just good friends zone for a long time, but clearly he would rather be in the romantic zone with her if he had the chance. Things can never be equal when it's like that. If my husband had a female friend who was like this I would find it annoying and I would wonder why he wasn't having a discussion about boundaries with her. So I would expect the same if the shoe was on the other foot.

Quangle · 26/02/2015 18:09

OK good

I can think of scenarios in which this would all be fine. They have a long standing relationship and it might be a little bit of a flirty relationship but without that meaning anything iyswim. I have friendships like that but normally in a completely safe way (said friends are married or gay and it's just done as banter). Having said that I think the gifts are OTT and taking her out to dinner and paying is odd.

I'd be interested to know what you think of him aside from this. Is he older?

Quangle · 26/02/2015 18:10

Yep, "harem" is what I was thinking. It's why I asked if he was older. Does he enjoy playing a sort of unconsummated sugar daddy role with several younger women who pander to his foolish ways?

BertieBotts · 26/02/2015 18:13

It is out of order yes. I think this can happen in a jokey way but the presents etc are odd and out of line.

However I think she should tell him that he is making her feel uncomfortable, not you. If you do it it comes across a bit like "Hey my property!" which is a bit, ugh, I don't know, chauvinistic. If he doesn't respect her boundaries then you could step in and say "Hey dude, my wife asked you to stop this" because you have her back, but I do think it's important she's the one to draw the line and tell him so - not only was he her friend before he was yours, it's his interactions with her, not you, which are making you both uncomfortable.

Original poster

Husband99 · 26/02/2015 18:16

He is older, yes. I have never felt threatened and I trust my wife, but now I feel uncomfortable about the situation. That said, when we have had rocky patches of late, he seems to be the 'go to' person for my wife. I have never had issue with this- I have close friends who I confide in- but in the light of all this, I just do not feel comfortable with this now. I also feel my wife is using the relationship at these 'pinch points' - be it for her own self esteem, to hurt me or both.

My wife has also said that he stops having dinner with his female friends when they get partners. He also refused to fly alone with another female friend because she had a partner. None of these 'rules' seem to apply to my wife and my marriage.

OP posts:

Paddingtonthebear · 26/02/2015 18:18

I don't think your wife is being completely honest with you then. Sorry

Cabrinha · 26/02/2015 18:18

My respect for my wife would be pretty low for accepting expensive gifts to be honest.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2015 18:19

The DW is the person to talk to, not the 'OM'. She's the one in the marriage & she should be the one setting boundaries of acceptable behaviour. If the OP is uncomfortable with the friendship he should be able to say so and a DW, if she's got any sense, would get Mr Flirt to rein it in a bit - or invite him over so that the OP can get to know him better.

mummymeister · 26/02/2015 18:27

I have two gay male friends - both older than me. I don't see them very often but when I do they have little pet names for me and have given me some lovely gifts over the years like a spa weekend away in a posh hotel. however, they are gay. my DH knows they are gay. there would never ever be anything sexual between us. if I felt my DH was at all uncomfortable then I would tell them. however, he knows and sees (if he wants to) any text messages or correspondence from them. they would never send or expect valentines presents. if this guy is gay then I can understand it tbh. if he is straight that is a whole different ball game and I think you need to tell her what you are telling us - that the whole flirting thing is crossing a line that you aren't comfortable with.

BertieBotts · 26/02/2015 18:27

Be honest with her about how you are feeling. This is perfectly reasonable - you're not being overly jealous to object. V dangerous ground for her to be going to him during rocky patches as well. Ask her whether she's in or out of your marriage!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2015 18:30

By scuttling off to Mr Flirt at the 'pinch points' as you call them, it sounds a lot like your DW enjoys the ego-stroking. I don't know if she's deliberately setting out to hurt you but she's certainly acting very foolishly and thoughtlessly. She needs to grow up

Original poster

Husband99 · 26/02/2015 18:34

I have since emailed him:

I wrote:

I wanted to share that texting someone else's wife and referring to them as 'beautiful' is, I feel, inappropriate.

(x- My wife) has previously shared with me that you would not go to dinner or fly alone with someone who has a partner. While not understanding this as someone who has a number of female close friends, that's your call. But I do find it strange that you might consider that inappropriate, but not texting someone like that.

Frankly it's a betrayal of trust, unhelpful and inappropriate and I did not expect this of you.

....judge me...I do agree that this should have come from my wife, but I just felt like I had to act. Thoughts?

OP posts:

worrieddadof2 · 26/02/2015 18:37

OP, i have just been through something similar with my own wife, only it was a new work friend that started to ring alarm bells after 4/5 months. Only in my opinion, but I would not be happy about my wife going out for dinner with another man. Thats the kind of thing he was always suggesting to her, along with very suggestive emails/texts. I soon could see this was turning into an Emotional Affair.
The outcome now is my wife has no contact with him at all.

Paddingtonthebear · 26/02/2015 18:38

Are you 100% sure your wife has no feelings for him? I can see why you sent that email but really your issue is with her, not him?

rootypig · 26/02/2015 18:44

Women often put up with the unwanted advances of men. As a gender, we're raised to do it.

Have a talk with her over a glass of wine. Ask her how he makes her feel, what's keeping her in the friendship. Be open. Encourage her to stand up for herself, if that's what she wants to do. Use this as a chance to get to know your wife better, and support her, not engage in sexual competition with this other man. Which is insulting, and honestly sends your wife the same message she's getting from him. Which is that it's about you, and it is about him, but it is not about her.

Original poster

Husband99 · 26/02/2015 18:44

I agree. I am angry at her for allowing this to get this far and not acting, and 'using' this relationship to a degree. I do feel frustrated. My wife has criticized me for having texts on my phone from past relationships- texts that I didn't even know were there...apparently I should have deleted them if I was thoughtful. But then her behavior (and his) just doesn't add up to the same standards expected of me, I feel.

When I questioned my wife about this, she said 'you cannot stop who I am friends with'. That's true- I can't and wouldn't, but that kind of wasn't my point; its what happens between the friends that matters here, right? I don't want to stop a friendship, but I want it to happen within reasonable remits and not make me feel uncomfortable, right?

OP posts:

rootypig · 26/02/2015 18:47

she said 'you cannot stop who I am friends with

So she does see it as a power play.

Your problem is in your marriage, not with this other man. You and your wife have somehow become pitted against each other.

Paddingtonthebear · 26/02/2015 18:47

Sorry if you've already said, but what has your wife said about this situation? Does she know your concerns? Does she agree and find his behaviour odd? Or does she laugh it off or ignore your concerns? What do you think she will she say when you tell her you've sent him an email? if your wife is perfectly comfortable with the attention she's getting and doesn't see any issue with boundaries, and can't explain why she is treated differently to his other married female friends, then you need to have a full and frank discussion with your wife.

Original poster

Husband99 · 26/02/2015 18:48

His reply to my email:

Hi x,

I am sorry that you feel that way. Quite surprised by the email you have sent and the background to it however out of concern for both of you I will try to help you out.

Next time I meet you or when you are in London please come and see me and I will happily answer any questions you may have about what I may or may not be saying to (x My Wife) in the texts I send her. I have no reasons to hide or lie about what I say.

However I would also like for you to go to (x My Wife) and tell her what you have just done in reading her texts and then emailing me about them and I think her reaction will determine which one of us has done something inappropriate, unhelpful and what would be described as a betrayal of trust. If you are able to do that then I am wrong.

I am not being clever or confrontational in this email but am writing this out of genuine concern. You should really have some trust in your wife because otherwise the relationship will be very difficult. If me referring to her as 'beautiful' is an issue then I think you should really sit down and think why you do not trust her. This is just my humble opinion. You may not be able to accept that if you are angry about it but as I said I will happily discuss the matter with you in person if that helps.

Regards
x

OP posts:

rootypig · 26/02/2015 18:49

Thank him for his reply, then talk to your wife.

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