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Original poster

Am I mad- is another man texting my wife 'hey beautiful' acceptable?

106 replies

Husband99 · 26/02/2015 17:50

My wife has a male friend whom she has known before we got together. Nothing ever happened between them, but he did confess to liking my wife in a way beyond friendship to her. He, along with other female friends he has, takes them out for dinner (including my wife- he always pays), and has bought my wife expensive gifts. For example, before we were engaged he bought her a mobile phone for over £200. I have always found this a little odd, but accepted it. I too have very close friends who are female- indeed, my two best friends are female, and we are just that- friends- and I do not lavish them with gifts- certainly no more than any other friends. I then saw on my wife's phone that he texted her 'hey beautiful, how are you?'. I was mortified. It made me snoop (it saddens me to admit this) further in which I found an email in which my wife was seeking his address to send him a birthday present. He replied - 'What's are you sending me? Roses on Valentines Day? xx'

Am I mad? I think this is completely out of order, and a genuine betrayal of trust between two men, and makes me reconsider the acceptability of him taking my wife for dinner and purchasing gifts. Am I wrong to feel this way? Please- tell me your thoughts.

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 26/02/2015 20:08

Firstly he's not a friend and he made this clear when he said he liked her as more than a friend. Both you , your wife , and him , know he's not a friend. Don't let your wife play dumb about being a friend.

I would probably have also emailed him but I don't think I'd have been as polite. I would reply to that email stating something along the lines of ..I did not email you for advice and couldn't really care less what you would like me to do. My wife found your message odd and so did I. Your compliments , gifts, are not acceptable and they're going to stop.

I wonder if your wife is enjoying winding you up with this. He's certainly enjoying his part in this , telling you what to do and basically saying he's happy to discuss this in person with you.

Vivacia · 26/02/2015 20:08
Smile
loveyoutothemoon · 26/02/2015 20:18

I agree with badbalding
I think both your wife and this man are out of order. Taking the p* big time.

middleeasternpromise · 26/02/2015 20:20

Oh dear, what a drama! I'm in the camp of you need to talk to your wife. Realistically only she can reassure you about her intentions. I do not subscribe to the view that people have affairs because they were tempted by someone and couldn't help themselves - that notion suggests your job is to patrol the boundaries seeing off any threat. In that regard I get the trust issue. However this is more about respect - her for you in this case she knows full well its upsetting to have your partner indulging in emotional intimacy with another person. Flirting is disrespectful when it involves people who are in committed relationships. He sounds like he gets off on this sort of no committal titillation and no doubt has a number on the go at any one time therefore he will robustly defend his right to do it and as he's not in a committed relationship he will argue he's not betraying anyone. Good luck with it I suspect you have some tough conversations to tackle.

anya79 · 26/02/2015 20:30

This is why i think men and women can't be friends i may get slaughtered for this. Sooner or later one party wants more than friendship. I think this relationship was inappropriate the minute he told ur then g/f that he wanted more thsn friendship. At that point since she was in a relationship with you she should have parted ways. By staying overly friendly it looks like shes given him mixed messages and he's taking liberties. They may not be physically involved but as oprah(i used to watch this a lot saddo lol) would say they are having an emotional affair which could destroy your marriage. Her saying its none of your biz whose her friend is reckless and ill thght. Im sure she wouldn't accept it if tables were reversed. I hope you can sort things out.

loveyoutothemoon · 26/02/2015 20:34

I would tell him that his behaviour is inappropriate and to back off a bit, and also discuss with your wife about her entertaining it a lot less.
It's reasonable for you to be contacting him and she should appreciate this and understand your annoyance. Don't be feeling guilty.

anya79 · 26/02/2015 20:40

Why email why text why dont ppl just bloody use the phone? I dont think its him u need totalk to its your wife you are married to her she should accept a problem exists. Its not like you are being too controlling the relationship is inappropriate if shecannot see that you have a problem in your marriage.

worrieddadof2 · 26/02/2015 21:27

if you are not comfortable with this "freindship" then you're wife should respect that. Why would somebody continue something that they knew was hurting their partner?

Cabrinha · 26/02/2015 21:29

I'm with Vivacia.
It's the same handwriting Wink

fallingapartfast · 26/02/2015 21:51

I think you sound insane. There is nothing inappropriate about this guys behavioru IMO and your email was weird and controlling and creepy.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2015 22:16

Told you not to tackle the OM but your wife. Now you're the bad guy for reading texts and telling her who she can't see...... between them they've got you hog tied.

Original poster
Husband99 · 26/02/2015 22:33

I just want to thank everyone for sharing your thoughts. It has really helped me; just like everyone else, I have got stuff to work on to be a better person and a better husband, and this has really helped me see things more clearly. First time I have ever done this and it has been really helpful. Thanks again for sharing your views, and please continue to do so.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2015 22:39

Why the self effacement? Your wife's thoughtless attitude and her line crossing friendship with this man is not necessarily because you're a crap husband. Don't assume that. Learn from your mistakes, assert yourself and don't allow them to make a fool of you any longer.

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/02/2015 23:00

rootypig

The OP can care as much as he wants about the relationship but if his wife doesn't then the relationship isn't going to last, unless of course he just looks the other way.

Fairenuff · 26/02/2015 23:14

Ask her why this relationship is so important that it is worth upsetting you over. Ask her how she would feel if you called a very close female friend beautiful and bought her expensive gifts. And ask her how she would feel if she expressed her concerns and you dismissed them.

CurlyWurlyCake · 26/02/2015 23:25

You need to speak to your wife not him.

Why is she letting you go through this?

daisychain01 · 26/02/2015 23:34

I am not being clever or confrontational in this email but am writing this out of genuine concern.

Disingenuous, or what!

Try re-running that.... Yes, you are being "clever" and no, you are not doing anything genuinely or out of concern!

emmelinelucas · 26/02/2015 23:39

Vivacia Wink

PacificDogwood · 26/02/2015 23:45

My goodness, you are over thinking this - both of you (him and you, I mean). If there is two of you.
If I were your wife, I'd run a mile tbh - from the insecure husband and the weird, swarmy 'friend'.

Yy to speaking to your wife - you cannot negotiate the terms of how another man can speak to your wife with said man.
Weird all round Confused

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/02/2015 23:51

If this was remotely true, and I'm with Vivacia, I would be completely horrified if my DH emailed one of my male friends something like that. A couple of male friends have had other feelings for me over the years and I manage that. If it can't be managed, they fall by the wayside.

Two men discussing me like a possession would mean that neither of them would have any pretension to possessing me in future.

SkellingtonWalkedIntoABar · 27/02/2015 00:03

What BoneyBackJefferson said.

He's out of order and your wife is out of order for accepting expensive gifts from a man when it clearly upsets her husband.

Original poster
Husband99 · 27/02/2015 00:11

Pacificdogwood I did speak to my wife. She agreed that she found it weird, and then I acted (rightly or wrongly- that's what I've been asking people's views on). I really don't think my unease about this is rooted in insecurity- it's more I just don't think this is/ was right. Any how- my bed time!

OP posts:
LilMissSunshine9 · 27/02/2015 00:35

I might be old fashioned but I think its incredibly bad of your wife to continue a friendship with a guy who has made his feelings for her clear and to express her concerns about it to you and still continue to maintain the friendship. I was in that situation last week with a friend who has been clear he will continue to pursue me despite the fact I am with someone and I ended the friendship because I know if the shoe was on the other foot I would be furious if my other half continued to be friends with someone who had feelings for him. It just allows a small amount of distrust and worry into a relationship that is not necessary imo.

Wrt to the other guy what an oaf to carry on trying to pursue a married woman. Very wrong imo if someone is with someone else you should just back the f* away. Completely wrong to try and interfere in someone's marriage a commitment between two people who love each other - even if they are having problems it is just wrong.

rootypig · 27/02/2015 01:52

Good job I'm talking to the OP and not his wife then, isn't it Boney Hmm

ByeByeButterfly · 27/02/2015 02:27

I hope you can chat with your wife properly op.

For me it would depend on who it was-- one or two of my friends would text me that but would also other female friends. But they would only get me chocolates for my birthday and wouldn't put my partner in an awkward position. One of these have admitted to having feelings for me though but I made my intentions clear.

I hope things get better op.