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Original poster

Am I mad- is another man texting my wife 'hey beautiful' acceptable?

106 replies

Husband99 · 26/02/2015 17:50

My wife has a male friend whom she has known before we got together. Nothing ever happened between them, but he did confess to liking my wife in a way beyond friendship to her. He, along with other female friends he has, takes them out for dinner (including my wife- he always pays), and has bought my wife expensive gifts. For example, before we were engaged he bought her a mobile phone for over £200. I have always found this a little odd, but accepted it. I too have very close friends who are female- indeed, my two best friends are female, and we are just that- friends- and I do not lavish them with gifts- certainly no more than any other friends. I then saw on my wife's phone that he texted her 'hey beautiful, how are you?'. I was mortified. It made me snoop (it saddens me to admit this) further in which I found an email in which my wife was seeking his address to send him a birthday present. He replied - 'What's are you sending me? Roses on Valentines Day? xx'

Am I mad? I think this is completely out of order, and a genuine betrayal of trust between two men, and makes me reconsider the acceptability of him taking my wife for dinner and purchasing gifts. Am I wrong to feel this way? Please- tell me your thoughts.

OP posts:
sykadelic · 27/02/2015 03:53

If another man texted me "hey beautiful" or a woman texted my husband "hey gorgeous" ('cause the sex of the recipient doesn't matter)... the result would be the same, but the methods would be different...

Both of our reactions to seeing that text on the other persons phone would be one of jealousy and anger... towards the person that sent it. Sending that message shows you have no respect for our relationship, and have no respect for our spouse. It would not be tolerated. We would both, rightly, have expected the receiver to have nipped it in the bud when it was received, or ignored it to show it was unwanted.

The manner in which we "nipped it", and how we would want each other to, would be different. I would want him to be more aggressive than his normal friendly demeanor so she knew he was serious, he would pussy foot around it to try not to hurt feelings. I would ignore it and not address it at all, and if it continued I wouldn't reply at all and distance myself. Then I would end up having to explain they put me in a tough position with their inappropriate messages. We would both want the relationship to be pulled back a bit.

OP the part about this I notice the most is your wife's reaction, or rather the lack thereof. Her response was very disrespectful. Rather than allay your fears, she heightened them to the point you sent that e-mail to her "friend" who then replied so very condescendingly that he knew your wife better and you should talk to her... and the scary part about that is you KNOW that she has been talking to him and his response would mean I wouldn't want them to be friends at all. He is far too comfortable with her, and I do believe they're having an emotional affair. She needs to step out of that relationship and back into her marriage.

saltnpepa · 27/02/2015 06:02

I think you are over thinking it and it doesn't sound suspicious at all, it is a phrase of endearment that's all. I think you need to respect your wife's friendships and trust her integrity. Do you normally have trouble with jealousy and a spot of snooping?

Original poster
Husband99 · 27/02/2015 06:18

Saltnpepa thanks for this. But shouldn't my wife recognise how this is making me feel, and therefore how it effects our marriage? As I said before, I only looked into this and snooped further after reading that text and it making me feel very uncomfortable. Not proud, but that's the truth. Other people's thoughts don't seem to match this notion of 'over-thinking', but in a sense that is why I wanted to share this through this forum: lay out what has happened and see if the way I feel, in the minds of others, is irrational. I think I am right to be uncomfortable about this, but happy for others to refute this. I trust my wife. The truth is I don't trust him, but I also don't trust how she is using their 'relationship'- it doesn't feel like it's being used in support of our marriage. I hope that makes sense?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/02/2015 07:43

It is irrelevant that you don't trust him. The relationship is with your wife, not him, and it's her behaviour that is causing you to be upset and suspicious here. It is a common theme when there is infidelity for the cheated on spouse to desperately want to cast their partner as the innocent party, lured away by an OW or OM against their better judgement. So they put all the mistrust and blame on the wrong party.

Your DW is handling this insensitively. She is the one that has to change approach.

Fairenuff · 27/02/2015 08:23

It would be so easy for her to do something positive about this but she is choosing not to. That would indicate that she is emotionally attached to this man.

If it were me, I would say to him 'Look, this has started to impact the most important relationship in my life, my marriage. I don't want to cause hurt or suspicion so we need to cool off the friendship now. It's become inappropriate and it's not worth risking the best thing that ever happened to me.' Then I would phase it out, stop replying to texts or emails and generally get on with my life.

Why isn't she doing that? That's what you need to find out OP. She is stubbornly hanging on to this and using 'you can't tell me who to be friends with' as a mantra. The answer to that is, no but you can tell her to make a choice if that's what it comes to because you are no fool and you are not going to be taken for a mug.

If she won't give him up freely, or protests at being 'forced' to give him up, you have your answer. They are already attached and this will possibly lead to a physical relationship too.

Original poster
Husband99 · 27/02/2015 08:33

Fairenuff Understood. What I am not blind to is a possible need for further emotional support for my wife- I need to play a role here. She may feel it is lacking and choosing to fill the void. As others have said above, he is not root cause.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/02/2015 08:40

If your wife is unhappy in the relationship or experiencing some 'emotional void' the correct thing to do about it is to talk to you, make changes, work something out together, seek therapy or - worst case scenario - call it a day. The wrong thing to do is seek out the attentions of a man she knows wants more than friendship.

If you make excuses for her or blame yourself for her poor choices, you're on a very slippery slope.

saltnpepa · 27/02/2015 12:07

I don't know, I think my DP is rather beautiful and wouldn't be remotely surprised if other people thought it too, I think it's a nice thing to say Confused I don't think we own someone once we marry them.

Creeturefeeture · 27/02/2015 12:14

the other bloke sounds like a massive bell-end. Chat to the wife. She needs to know that you think it's unacceptable form your perspective.

Original poster
Husband99 · 27/02/2015 14:00

saltnpepa Take your point, but can you take a comment in isolation and say all is well? The previous admission of feelings?; gifts?; buying dinner?; reference to valentines day on an email?; and no recognition, even at this stage, that anything has been done out of turn, and frankly arrogant response to my email.

If someone says to my wife she is beautiful, I'd agree with them- she is. If someone close to my wife who has said they have stronger feelings, at a time when my wife and I have been having difficulty...not good I feel; In truth, pretty appalling.

But I am sharing all of this to get views such as your own so I welcome it.

Again though- his actions are just one (small) element (but not a nice one) of a bigger picture.

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 27/02/2015 14:16

I think some men do love female company. I know a couple of wealthy individuals, one gay, one straight, who love being surrounded by women and seek out those who have partners because it offers an intimacy that is 'safe'. They are very generous, but there is honestly nothing behind it.

I also know a couple of sleaze bags, whose behaviour is fairly similar, but who definitely have designs on every woman they meet.

My point is that it could be either way. And really, this is about trust between you and your wife, and where you set the boundaries for your relationship. There is no 'appropriate' or 'inappropriate' as an objective standard - just what is appropriate or inappropriate to both of you. Clearly, you disagree about this, and only talking it out can help.

Perhaps you should also see this guy in company with your wife. It might reassure you.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/02/2015 14:44

Gosh. All I know is that I was your DW and found out that not only had you been reading my texts but had been emailing my friends behind my back about me I would be BEYOND furious. In fact it would be a dealbreaker for me.

If I were this other guy you would have got a much shorter and much more snitty response from me than you got from him.

I speak as someone with many male friends. One of whom often says "hello gorgeous!" on texts. Our relationship is in no way inappropriate.

You need to work on your relationship with your wife. And stop making this into some kind of soap opera with this man. I can't help feeling that you have made this situation a whole lot worse than it already was

Original poster
Husband99 · 27/02/2015 15:14

To be honest, right now meeting him with my wife is quite far from my priorities. If there was any recognition that what has happened was in any way wrong, it may be different, but his arrogant, patronising response to my email told me a great deal.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 27/02/2015 15:20

OP read what I just said. You would have got much shortre shrift from me if I were him.

Look, he's not the problem. Your relationship is. AS are the boundaries you both have within it

stormtreader · 27/02/2015 15:25

The valentines message was the only one that seemed a bit odd to me, the whole xxx at the end wasnt really on when youre talking about being sent a valentines present from someones wife but it could well be that your wife just dismisses it as him being silly.
It wasnt really your place to message him, you should ask your wife to have a word with him about stopping the xx's if they make you uncomfortable.

Original poster
Husband99 · 27/02/2015 15:25

BitOutofPractice Interesting. But you take an isolated action by me (reading texts- forgetting that what was found was inappropriate- and indeed my wife said she 'found it weird') and my email to him and then form your conclusion? You also only consider an isolated action by him (his inappropriate text/ email)- more to it I feel as I have shared above, but thanks for your thoughts. Its appreciated.

As I said, his response told me a great deal.

Plus, as I have said above, my wife looks at my phone- I have no problem with this (although why she feels the need to do this is perhaps the more interesting question)- but I have nothing to hide. I just didn't like it when she had a go at me for messages that were sent before we were together (as I have said above). I thought that was unfair.

OP posts:
momb · 27/02/2015 15:37

My advice would be not to contact him further. His reply was arrogant and sanctimonious, but you gave him that ammunition by sending the original message.
If you are concerned that your wife is using a relationship with another man as a crutch, or that she is using the relationship to punish you in some way, then that needs to be addressed but actually he isn't the issue: and is therefore not worthy of your time or thoughts.

Branleuse · 27/02/2015 15:37

He sounds like a bloody narcissist. Not content with his own harem of beautiful only semi-available women that includes your wife, he now wants to give you relationship advice? He would love the power of thinking he was that important to both of you. If your wife is so easily patronised and actually enjoying his attention rather than being weirded out by its inappropriateness, I wonder, does she have daddy issues going on?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/02/2015 15:57

What is the 'bigger picture' that this is part of? Are there other problems besides this situation?

PacificDogwood · 27/02/2015 16:45

Either you want your marriage to work more than your wife does (in which case you alone cannot improve things), or she is in fact doing nothing wrong and you ARE over thinking this - it is impossible from a distance to tell.
Either way, the 'solution' lies with your wife and yourself.

And I'll post this old chestnut again: Nobody can change another person's behaviour or how they chose to behave, a person can only change their own response to another person's behaviour.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/02/2015 17:31

Erm yes op. I formed my opinion of what you did based on what you've told us. I'm not quite sure how you expect me to do otherwise.

And of course, your email to this man has also told him volumes about you and, perhaps more importantly, your relationship with your wife.

As cog says, what bigger picture?

saltnpepa · 27/02/2015 19:14

If you were my DH I would be running for the hills. I am angry at her for allowing this to get this far How far? some warm txts, a few meals out between friends and a few gifts? This is a friendship she had before she met you and it has nothing to do with you unless they're shagging or lying to you, neither of which has happened. I think emailing her friend without talking to her first is disrespectful to her and territorial and undermines any trust you have in the relationship to work things through. How about you just let her have her friendships and accept it has nothing to do with you. You don't own her (repeat).

Thenapoleonofcrime · 27/02/2015 19:23

I have male friends from old who might text something like that. One of them does text me 'hey gorgeous' the difference being I know if his wife saw it, she'd laugh and similarly I don't hide those texts from my husband. I don't see really too much to worry about here, 'hey beautiful', a dinner or two out (friends do usually go out to dinner) and so on.

If it were a new friend that suddenly popped up, I would see this differently. But presumably given this man liked her, if your wife wanted to do anything, she would have done by now. All your digging and snooping hasn't really discovered anything much, they clearly aren't having an affair.

Having old friends who still can be bothered to flirt with you, even though you are older and greyer is one of the pleasures of life. I've never taken it further though or done anything more than had a wry smile at a sweet text. I'm sure my husband laughs extra loud at his old girlfriend's jokes. I don't see much here to get het up over and if my husband emailed a male friend of mine, I'd be beyond furious, because I am well able to handle them myself (should the occasion arise) and we are friends, not lovers, as is the case here.

RyanAirVeteran · 27/02/2015 19:25

I texted one of the football Dad's the other day, and said Hey Handsome I have something really important to ask you.......

How much is your monthly water bill, now we are on meters ?? Grin

His wife texted me and said he roared laughing when he got your text, by the way it is my turn to do the football run........but I guess the backstory is I am happily married and have been for 25 years and so has he.

She jokingly told him later in the day he was a pillock, ah yes sez he, but I am a handsome pillock.

Trust

Without trust there is nothing.

worrieddadof2 · 27/02/2015 19:34

I think if this was a 3 way or a couples friendship the text would be acceptable. In this case when you are effectively outside the friendship, its certainly not ok. You need to explain to your wife that you are not comfortable. She needs to be the one to calm the situation, not this clown who is clearly putting the feelers out.