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Original poster

Am I mad- is another man texting my wife 'hey beautiful' acceptable?

106 replies

Husband99 · 26/02/2015 17:50

My wife has a male friend whom she has known before we got together. Nothing ever happened between them, but he did confess to liking my wife in a way beyond friendship to her. He, along with other female friends he has, takes them out for dinner (including my wife- he always pays), and has bought my wife expensive gifts. For example, before we were engaged he bought her a mobile phone for over £200. I have always found this a little odd, but accepted it. I too have very close friends who are female- indeed, my two best friends are female, and we are just that- friends- and I do not lavish them with gifts- certainly no more than any other friends. I then saw on my wife's phone that he texted her 'hey beautiful, how are you?'. I was mortified. It made me snoop (it saddens me to admit this) further in which I found an email in which my wife was seeking his address to send him a birthday present. He replied - 'What's are you sending me? Roses on Valentines Day? xx'

Am I mad? I think this is completely out of order, and a genuine betrayal of trust between two men, and makes me reconsider the acceptability of him taking my wife for dinner and purchasing gifts. Am I wrong to feel this way? Please- tell me your thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Husband99 · 26/02/2015 18:58

She said she found the behaviour odd to me. She then said she discussed it with him, but framed it as: 'Did you say that because you knew my confidence was low?'

I was really frustrated when she told me this- it was just lobbing the ball up to allow him to smash it out of the park...and, of course, one assumes I am the one responsible for the low confidence.

She has now seen the emails and describes them both (his and mine)- she said she was 'shocked' and 'disgusted' by both of our emails.

Was anything I said or in my approach wrong?

OP posts:
APlaceInTheWinter · 26/02/2015 19:01

I don't understand why you emailed him. It's very territorial. If your DW is uncomfortable that he calls her beautiful and buys her gifts then she needs to make a boundary. You can't do that for her.

tbh I wouldn't automatically have a problem with her being called beautiful. It's a turn of phrase and could be a jokey habit. Ditto I wouldn't have a problem with the gifts. but your DW seems to have gone out of her way to tell you he treats other female friends differently. She's deliberately given you information to make you uncomfortable.

Forget about the OM. imo he's a red herring. You need to deal with your 'pinch points' as you call them without her seeking affirmation elsewhere and you putting yourself in the middle of her friendships.

worrieddadof2 · 26/02/2015 19:01

Sometimes i think its gone beyond the line, where after a normal freindship cant really work. Tha. sounds as though it could be the case here.

Original poster
Husband99 · 26/02/2015 19:03

APlaceInTheWinter I totally agree. This is a sideshow to what really matters, but a horrible one that I feel he is relishing, and to a degree her too. That sickens me.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 26/02/2015 19:07

He sounds like a smarmy bastard, and your wife sounds like she enjoys the attention.

rootypig · 26/02/2015 19:12

You are getting totally sidetracked from the issue of your relationship with your wife.

Forget the drama of the conflict, apologise for usurping her by speaking to her friend (yes, you were wrong), and really TALK to her.

Why is her confidence low? what is not working for both of your in your relationship? how can you change that?

If you're serious about your marriage, I'd be off to a skilled couples therapist pronto. And not because of this man. But to learn to really communicate.

Original poster
Husband99 · 26/02/2015 19:15

Rootypig With you. Thank you. Totally agree. Difficult thing is my confidence has taken a beating too. Unsure if my wife sees this.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 26/02/2015 19:17

This is a fast moving scenario, isn't it?

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/02/2015 19:18

In response to rootypig

This is not your fault.

rita68 · 26/02/2015 19:21

He's texting this stuff because he can - because it's 'safe' to do so to a married woman, and he has no fear of her taking him seriously. He's probably a dreadful commitmentphobe and would never say 'Hey beautiful' to a woman who was actually available to have a relationship with him. Annoying that he's playing his silly game with your wife, but she should just ignore that side of her friendship with him until he stops/gets bored with it and their friendship can just continue without him stroking his own ego with no risk attached the whole time.

I do understand that it has needled you. Don't rise any further. I imagine he'll back off now anyway. Sorry you've been so upset by it. Let him go and play this silly game elsewhere.

CoffeeBeanie · 26/02/2015 19:25

I agree with rita.

Original poster
Husband99 · 26/02/2015 19:27

Good advice. I am really frustrated. I found his response utterly arrogant in truth: 'I will try and help you out'...I just couldn't believe him writing that.

OP posts:
magoria · 26/02/2015 19:29

He does this because she allows him to.

Your wife is the one who should be telling him it is inappropriate and to stop. If she doesn't then every time you go texting him he will just be laughing at you and carrying on as she allows him.

rootypig · 26/02/2015 19:31

Sorry if I implied it was Boney. I don't think anything is OP's fault. (Though I am pretty robust about men being territorial and behaving as though they have ownership. Why talk to another man, who you barely know, when your relationship is with your wife?)

I simply think if OP wants to have a healthy, happy marriage, then he should focus on the relationship. I talked about the wife's low confidence because that was mentioned. OP, your low confidence is of course just as deserving of attention.

My aunt, a therapist, told me once that in a couple there are three things - each person, and the relationship between them. Each needs to be treated. I've found that an oddly helpful idea over the years. And that's where my advice comes from. Focus on the relationship, and on both of you - not this other person. He might be an arse, it certainly seems that way, but that just doesn't matter, because you aint married to him.

Original poster
Husband99 · 26/02/2015 19:33

rootypig: He might be an arse, it certainly seems that way, but that just doesn't matter, because you aint married to him.

Love this- thank you. I agree. This is not root cause, but it isn't helping.

OP posts:
rootypig · 26/02/2015 19:34

Cross posts.

Right. But he knows fuck all about your marriage - noone does except you and your wife, and based on my grand life experience, both of you are probably pretty in the dark as well! Smile

Email him a thank you, and then forget him. rita probably has him nailed. He definitely enjoys the passive aggressive competition with other men, his reply demonstrated that. Don't give him the bloody satisfaction. (Though as I keep saying, you really should be more interested in your wife, than him....)

This whole episode sounds like early(ish) warning that your communication, love and support for each other is misfiring and I think you would benefit so much from the help of a therapist.

rootypig · 26/02/2015 19:34

Cross posts again! Smile

rita68 · 26/02/2015 19:36

His response is arrogant, yes. As rooty says, he certainly does seem to be an arse! Rise above it. He sounds revolting. Let some time pass (days, weeks) and his arrogance will face to insignificance.

rita68 · 26/02/2015 19:37

Fade, not face! Sorry.

rootypig · 26/02/2015 19:40

Good luck OP. You sound like a lovely, thoughtful man. This relationship lark is difficult, isn't it? I hope you and your wife find a way to reconnect.

Fairenuff · 26/02/2015 19:44

This is why there is no point trying to confront the other person. Your wife is the one that you should be talking to.

OP I think this is inappropriate. It's ok to tell your dw that you are not happy with this kind of 'relationship'.

It's not that you are telling her not to be friends with someone, more that you are asking her to do what she thinks is best about something that makes you feel uncomfortable.

PrimalLass · 26/02/2015 19:46

I have male uni friends who I would probably say silly flurry things to. Means nothing. Zero. It depends on the context.

PrimalLass · 26/02/2015 19:46

*flirty

GalindawithaGa · 26/02/2015 19:58

I think the other guy has been pretty restrained in his response! I know if I had a close, loving friendship with someone for many years and all of a sudden their partner stepped in to 'mark his territory' I would be livid, not to mention worried for my friend that they were married to a controlling, uncommunicative arse.

mildlyacquiescent · 26/02/2015 20:02

Vivacia, you are right!

Marvellous that these men have nothing better to do mid-afternoon than type unnatural psycho-babble-filled emails in exactly the same style.