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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Done something awful and feel terrible

87 replies

Feelingreallystupid · 23/02/2015 10:17

Was on holiday last week with my kids and dp and his child. Everything was going well, kids were getting on and no issues apart from the fact that dps child frustrates me with his attitude at times. Thinking no one could see I secretly gave him the v sign as he walked in front of me. Dp saw and now it's understandably caused a problem . It was done in a moment of madness and after a few drinks. I have apologised profusely. Can it ever be put right?

OP posts:

GoatsDoRoam · 23/02/2015 10:21

Only if your DP wants it to be, I would imagine. It's up to him whether he forgives you or not.

flora717 · 23/02/2015 10:21

Drinks aren't really the problem here. You're struggling with a relationship. With a child. You dealt with that situation like a child. Your DP probably doesn't want to be the only adult.
How have you approached the situation previously?
Was this your first holiday together?

Original poster

Feelingreallystupid · 23/02/2015 10:25

Yes it was our first time away all together. Apart from that one moment of madness I didn't have an issue at all. I treated him the same as my own

OP posts:

DrSethHazlittMD · 23/02/2015 10:28

How old is the child you gave the Vs to?

Original poster

Feelingreallystupid · 23/02/2015 10:28

OP posts:

tellmemore1982 · 23/02/2015 10:40

How long have you been together an have you talked about the child's attitude before, has your dp tried to address it?

You know it was childish because you've posted here, so I don't need to tell you that. I think that as long as your dp can understand why you felt the way you did (in the same way as you understand it was a silly thing to do) then you should all be able to move on and it shouldn't be a big deal.

DrSethHazlittMD · 23/02/2015 10:40

See, I think there can be a difference between doing "daft things" with a teenager that I wouldn't do with a younger child. But that depends hugely on the existing relationship. My dad and I often gave each other the Vs when I was a younger teen but it was a very jokey sort of thing we had together, not designed as a nasty thing. Although I daresay outsiders might have wondered.

However, yours was done in response to a teen's attitude and they aren't your 'own' teen. I think that's crossing a line and in your DPs shoes, I'd not be happy about it. I think you need to have a good talk with him and see where it goes.

ThisFenceIsComfy · 23/02/2015 10:45

I'm not sure. I think like you said it was just a moment of frustration with a teenager and it shouldn't be blown out of proportion. There are tons of threads on here about mothers doing silly things that they regret in a moment of frustration and they don't get a flaming.

It was a silly hurtful thing to do but I'm sure you can move on from it.

Original poster

Feelingreallystupid · 23/02/2015 11:28

I hope so. We have been together 4 years . The teen didn't see and was never meant to , I would never be unkind to him.

OP posts:

SensationalGirl · 23/02/2015 12:37

13 yr old boys can be absolutely ghastly. You did the wrong thing but I don't think it's a dumpable offense. It will probably take quite some time to reassure your dp that you're not the stepmother from hell.

AnyFucker · 23/02/2015 12:43

I don't think what you did was Crime of the Century

how has your P responded to your apology ?

Vivacia · 23/02/2015 13:18

What happened immediately afterwards? How did you realise your partner had seen this? When did you talk about it? Etc.

I'm trying to imagine how I would feel, and so much depends upon how the specifics.

Branleuse · 23/02/2015 13:24

calm down. Its a bit childish, but its hardly a big deal either.

Tell your dp to leave it out, you were pissed off and letting off steam. No more and no less

Original poster

Feelingreallystupid · 23/02/2015 13:28

He sort of looked at me- as in wtf? But we didn't say anything as the kids were around. We haven't spoken about it as both had our children in our own homes last night. I said I was sorry and that it was a stupid thing to do, and I shouldn't have done it. But that is the extent of our communication about it. He's understandably being a little cool with me.

OP posts:

thecatfromjapan · 23/02/2015 13:28

In and of itself, it's not big but I'm wondering if there's more going on. Is Flora right? Is the real issue something to do with that dynamic?
I have a teen - he's hard work but what makes it all far, far worse is the fact that my dh acts like a child. It makes parenting nearly impossible - it makes living nearly impossible!!

Communication is really important. You need to be talking to your dp about this; honestly working out what the issues are; working out how/if you're all going to be together.

As AF said, the incident is a very small one. The fact that you're on here, saying your relationship is now in crisis says that something, somewhere is amiss.

WindMeUpAndLetMeGo · 23/02/2015 13:28

Really don't see the problem, we've all done something similar, maybe muttering under our breath and someone hearing. It happens, you've apologised, the kids none the wiser - he should just get over it!

thecatfromjapan · 23/02/2015 13:30

The more I think about this, the more I think that it is crazy that you're talking to us, not your dp.
Something's gone wrong just there.

Vivacia · 23/02/2015 13:31

Talk to him again, let him know how bad you feel about this.

Mrsteddyruxpin · 23/02/2015 13:33

Talk to him. It is an easy and silly thing to do, the type of thing I would do but its not very nice either.

Apologise and try and sort things out. All you can do.

LakeAmber · 23/02/2015 13:38

I haven't done this but I sympathise, it's the kind of thing that can happen when you are really fed up with someone, yes even a child. IME this kind of frustration is worst when the parents who should be taking responsibility and dealing with it aren't doing it, so the child's bad behaviour is allowed to ruin things for others. Is that the case?

I have to admit on occasion I've given other people's DC my extremely unimpressed "look" when they've been pissing me off. In this case the child didn't even see you. It's not that bad. You were letting off steam.

MrsTawdry · 23/02/2015 13:38

I think it's bad but only because it wasn't your child....I've muttered some AWFUL things when my own DC can't hear! My DH and I often laugh about it...having handled a massive tantrum one of us will say "Little shites." or something.

Not so the DC can hear....is your DP milking it a bit? It wasn't like you kicked the kid or anything.

Original poster

Feelingreallystupid · 23/02/2015 13:39

I never said my relationship was in crisis. I asked can I put it right?

OP posts:

PaulaSmiles · 23/02/2015 13:41

I'm not sure if this would be such a minor issue if a mum caught her boyfriend doing this to her 13 year old daughter, it would all be "what a horrid man, LTB"

MrsTawdry · 23/02/2015 13:41

See my post above yours OP. I don't think what you did was THAT bad. I think you're overracting or your DP is.

MrsTawdry · 23/02/2015 13:41

Paula that's a LOT of assumption right there.

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