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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something awful and feel terrible

87 replies

Feelingreallystupid · 23/02/2015 10:17

Was on holiday last week with my kids and dp and his child. Everything was going well, kids were getting on and no issues apart from the fact that dps child frustrates me with his attitude at times. Thinking no one could see I secretly gave him the v sign as he walked in front of me. Dp saw and now it's understandably caused a problem . It was done in a moment of madness and after a few drinks. I have apologised profusely. Can it ever be put right?

OP posts:
NickiFury · 23/02/2015 13:42

I'd dump you. Not being harsh or judgemental because I do understand frustration with teenagers (I have a 12 year old), but I wouldn't want someone around my dc who did that to them and I knew they didn't have the underlying love and care that alleviates those negative feelings.

NickiFury · 23/02/2015 13:43

I agree Paula and I don't think it's a minor issue either.

jeee · 23/02/2015 13:44

I guess if you had posted that your dp had stuck v's up at your child, you would have a lot of people suggesting that it was time to call quits on your relationship for the sake of your child. And that you should be putting your child before your partner.

That said, I think that you and your dp may be able to get through this. But you do need to apologise (both to dp and his child), and you mustn't add 'but...' on the end of your apology. And then you and your dp need to be able to talk. If you can't talk I rather think your relationship is unsustainable.

MrsTawdry · 23/02/2015 13:45

I think people are way overreacting. It was the vs...that's pretty tame. It's not as though she told him to fuck off or something. A childish gesture borne out of frustration....

CarbeDiem · 23/02/2015 13:46

I'd say it was something silly, not awful.

You were frustrated and ultimately it's better than verbally losing your patience.
Does your dp never have those ''Arghhh FFS/For God's sake'' moments that he knows he could have handled better?

QuintessentiallyInShade · 23/02/2015 13:47

How was your dp dealing with his childs attitude?

Maybe the V sign was really should be directed at your dp?

MrsTawdry · 23/02/2015 13:48

It's going to happen isn't it? No step parent is an angel. Living with others..sharing space and holidays is hard...people lose their cool now and then. In a relationship for 4 years of COURSE the OP might sometimes act normally....and sticking the vs up when you;re annoyed is normal...silly and childish but we've all done it surely.

Vivacia · 23/02/2015 13:56

How was your dp dealing with his childs attitude? Maybe the V sign was really should be directed at your dp?

Blimey Quint! Would you advise that to a mum posting about her boyfriend giving the Vs to her daughter's back??

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 23/02/2015 13:57

holidays can be hard work

blended families can be hard work

I wouldn't particularly like it if ds' dsm did this behind his back, but I wouldn't particularly blame her, either

QuintessentiallyInShade · 23/02/2015 14:02

Vivacia, do I have to echo everybody else? Do I have to make a point that the OP was wrong? DO I really need to pile in? The op knows. She feels bad. She does not need me to point my finger, too.

shattered77 · 23/02/2015 14:08

I'd be peed off with you, but I'd get over it, and probably end up uniting with you over what a pita he is being lately.

Goneintohibernation · 23/02/2015 14:08

I really don't think this is that big a deal, it was the wrong thing to do, and was a silly childish moment, but we all have moments like that. I would have thought a simple apology would be enough to sort it, maybe followed by a discussion about what has caused this level of frustration to build up, so it doesn't happen again. It would be different if it had been aimed for the child to see, but it wasn't.

TheHoneyBadger · 23/02/2015 14:09

they've been together 4 years people - he knows her well enough to not have to raise a red flag out of one frustrated moment of blowing off steamwith a v sign surely? unless of course this is a pattern of behaviour.

i'm more worried that he's being cool with you tbh.

IvegotaCaveTroll · 23/02/2015 14:20

I don't think what u did was bad. Most people do similar things when they think no ones looking. It cathartic.

Original poster
Feelingreallystupid · 23/02/2015 14:20

Thank you. I have never been anything other than friendly with him . This was a definite isolated incident, tired, irritated and a bit tipsy. Hopefully he will come round .

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 23/02/2015 14:30

Really not a massive deal in my eyes. Haven't most people mouthed silently "you massive pain!" or made similar rude gestures at their own or others' children?

It's not like you swore at the kid or took the piss out of him. Maybe just have a little chat with your DP and say "You know I feel really bad about the whole Vs thing, I hope you know I would never treat your DS badly."

QuintessentiallyInShade · 23/02/2015 14:32

Most people do similar things when they think no ones looking

Indeed. I showed a man my middle finger in the Waitrose car park. I enjoyed it. It did not achieve anything, but it felt good. And I could carry on.

He (and his wife) were total mannerless impolate tweebs though.

I was putting my groceries on the conveyor belt, I had 5 items. They had a trolley load. I started at the END of the conveyor belt, as you do. They, however, piled their trolley load up between me and the cashier, so snuck in infront of me.

I was literally staring at them like Hmm continuously, but they paid no attention.

Really, I blame the Waitrose staff for not being able to hold proper crowd controll over the toffs when they shop. pft! Sorry, off on a tangent. The point being, sometimes you feel so powerless that you cannot really do anything else than lift a finger or two, at peoples backs. Sad

WindMeUpAndLetMeGo · 23/02/2015 14:36

Quint I would have said something, you have more restraint than I do!

TheHoneyBadger · 23/02/2015 17:12

no way could i have let that pass quint - positively saintly or way too passive to let them do that. not sure which.

in order to continue being kind and calm with particularly pushing it or outright horrendously rude teenagers i used to swear in arabic under my breath.

i really don't think this is a big deal and i'm sorry posters have piled in with a kicking OP.

QuintessentiallyInShade · 23/02/2015 17:14

Quite possibly passive, due to health issues and lacking energy. I would not let this pass 2 years ago!

AnyFucker · 23/02/2015 17:24

I wouldn't have confronted either, Quint, not in an angry way at least

this happened to me once and I held my arm out towards the conveyor belt, smiled nicely and said something like "it's clear your time is more valuable than mine, so please be my guest"

and she did Smile

TheHoneyBadger · 23/02/2015 17:27

she did?? blimey.

i'd have been polite but no way. as in, 'excuse me, there is a queue' or 'i'm next'.

people's sense of entitlement floors me sometimes.

WindMeUpAndLetMeGo · 23/02/2015 17:31

Exactly, I didn't mean in a rude way, but I'd have said something!

AnyFucker · 23/02/2015 17:32

ack, who cares

going to the supermarket is bad enough, what's a 5 minute delay to me ?

AnyFucker · 23/02/2015 17:32
Smile