Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Done something awful and feel terrible

87 replies

Feelingreallystupid · 23/02/2015 10:17

Was on holiday last week with my kids and dp and his child. Everything was going well, kids were getting on and no issues apart from the fact that dps child frustrates me with his attitude at times. Thinking no one could see I secretly gave him the v sign as he walked in front of me. Dp saw and now it's understandably caused a problem . It was done in a moment of madness and after a few drinks. I have apologised profusely. Can it ever be put right?

OP posts:

NimpyWWindowmash · 23/02/2015 17:34

I would have felt annoyed about that, and upset.

As it showed tour true feelings towards his son, and also a childish attitude.

I think it would be a big deal, and you'd need some serious conversations about your relationship with his son.

BifsWif · 23/02/2015 18:11

I would be really upset by this.

I would wonder how many other times you'd been rude to, or about, my child behind their back. I'd think you were spiteful and childish, and I would see you in a completely different light. I can understand your frustrations OP and it's clear you're very sorry, but is that because you did it or because you were caught?

TheHoneyBadger · 23/02/2015 18:19

someone's feelings towards the current behaviour or attitude of a 13yo boy in one moment during the 24/7 scenario of a holiday is hardly the revelation of their true feelings fgs.

if you saw me about to explode in stress in airport security with too many documents and bags to manage and a child being stroppy and trying to take my shoes off to boot and imagined the expression on my face revealed how i felt about my child or my life for example you'd be more than a little mistaken.

TheHoneyBadger · 23/02/2015 18:21

AF - an extra 5 minutes trapped in a supermarket can feel like a life or death scenario for me so that might explain the difference i can be very chilled in other environments but supermarkets and airport security are not my areas of strength

TheReluctantCountess · 23/02/2015 18:23

I don't think it is a big deal.

TheHoneyBadger · 23/02/2015 18:25

no wonder there are so many obnoxious teenagers around though if they're raised to think they can be as obnoxious and rude to adults as they like but no adult should ever, ever, ever feel or express, even privately, any negative response to their attitude or behaviour oh and adults must never, ever be childish or dickish for a moment. no sirey!

TheHoneyBadger · 23/02/2015 18:27

(probably the same teenagers who grow up to flagrantly push in front of people in supermarkets and airport security queues)

AnyFucker · 23/02/2015 18:53

Honey

littleleftie · 23/02/2015 18:58

I do this to my own teens all the time to help keep my sanity.

It really isn't a huge crime. I would be more concerned about why your DP is being "cool" with you. Are you sure it is because of this isolated and pretty tame "incident" or could it be that there is something else afoot?

If he is giving you the cold shoulder rather than talking to you like an adult then that is actually your problem.

CitySnicker · 23/02/2015 19:10

Your boyfriend is overreacting.

MirandaWest · 23/02/2015 19:16

Given that the teen in question didn't even see it, I don't think it's terrible at all. I can see that it does make a difference being from a step parent than a parent though. My DC and I do various hand gestures at each other and will call each other names that I'd probably be surprised if DP used (the DC aren't his) but I should think it will come with time.

Runnyhunny · 23/02/2015 21:48

*I wouldn't want someone around my dc who did that to them and I knew they didn't have the underlying love and care that alleviates those negative feelings".

Unfortunately the only people usually who have the unconditional love and care described above are parents, possibly grandparents aunt/uncles. It's just biology. I live my sd but not unconditionally- luckily she has a mother for that.

Runnyhunny · 23/02/2015 21:49

Love not live!

MiniTheMinx · 23/02/2015 21:55

I could forgive a lot, an affair, a lie, hiding important information...even hiding 20 kids and an ax-wielding ex.

But if the man I was having a relationship with stuck his fingers up at my son I would dump him, on the spot.

NickiFury · 24/02/2015 00:34

Well yes runny that's my point in that I was addressing the idea that we ALL get frustrated with our OWN dc and may do similar things, but we LOVE our dc. I certainly don't expect everyone to love my child unconditionally but I also don't expect an adult I have trusted enough to let into my children's life to stick their fingers up at that child either.

I would dump on the spot too Mini, I would be completely put off a person who did that and could never find them likeable or attractive again.

ThehighcostofLying · 24/02/2015 00:51

I'm with Quint, a brief illustration of momentary frustration, stropping testosterone filled 13 year old, on holiday...I admire your restraint OP.

Coyoacan · 24/02/2015 02:44

I admire your restraint, OP. And the fact that you let out your frustration in such an inoffensive way is to be applauded not criticised.

Vivacia · 24/02/2015 06:09

I'm surprised that the Vs are considered fairly inoffensive. It was up there with "fuck off" when I was growing up (ie totally off limits). I don't think I've ever used them.

Vivacia · 24/02/2015 06:10

This is what I meant by context earlier, in some families it'd be pretty inoffensive.

WannaBe · 24/02/2015 06:20

I am a bit that sticking your fingers up at someone even behind their back is considered the norm? something which people do almost as a reaction?

I am VI, so it's possible that I have missed this particularly visual thing and that in fact I am in the minority and the V sign is in fact a common every day occurrence.

But somehow I don't think that it is. In fact I would think that muttring under one's breth could be seen as a reactive thing to do, but not a visual gesture which actually takes some thought.

I would in fact immediately think differently of someone who stuck two fingers up at anyone anyone who did that to my child even without their knowledge would be an ex without hesitation.

It's not the same as frustratedly muttering under your breath IMO. it really isn't.

NimpyWWindowmash · 24/02/2015 07:05

It does depend oncontext.

If everyone in the family knows you and the boy are very fond of eachother really, and it is a jokey thing done in frustration....not a big deal.

If there is underlying resentment and mutual dislike, it is not funny but a true reflection of your general feelings towards him, and it would trouble me (in the dad's shoes)

SoupDragon · 24/02/2015 07:20

I'm not surprised your DP is being cool. He probably feels somewhat taken aback that you would feel like that about his son. Given you haven't discussed what happened, he has no idea about how you really feel and what made you think that was an appropriating to do.

I don't think I would be impressed if someone did that to my child and I suspect it would change how it felt about that person.

NickiFury · 24/02/2015 07:58

"Admiration" and "applause" for sticking your fingers up at an annoying child? Really?

MarianneSolong · 24/02/2015 08:19

I think when you are on holiday with your stepchildren you are - for that time - very much their parent. You have them 24 hours a day. And the frustrations you may feel with childish behaviour or adolescent attitude will be very like those you feel towards children of your own - if you have any.

It's possible that the father may choose to make an issue out of some minor expression irritation. But then, it's unlikely that parent will ever make a new lasting partnership with somebody who will be there for his children.

My own stepson was extremely challenging. On a few occasions I have shouted and screamed at him. I've also - for the last nineteen years - done the everyday work of cooking for him and caring for him and listening to him and engaging with him. I'm glad to say that my partner has always been able to acknowledge that his son can be hard work and has consistently affirmed the effort I have put into caring for his child.

differentnameforthis · 24/02/2015 08:42

13 yr old boys can be absolutely ghastly. You did the wrong thing but I don't think it's a dumpable offense.

So can 13yr old girls.

I'm not sure if this would be such a minor issue if a mum caught her boyfriend doing this to her 13 year old daughter, it would all be "what a horrid man, LTB" Yy! It would have been seen as an act of male aggression towards a vulnerable young girl! Especially if he was drunk tipsy! Because we all know how our true feelings come out when drunk!

Flip

1 2 3 4