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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

dh had a heart attack....

83 replies

gotcoldhands · 22/02/2015 16:47

advice please,
we are pensioners , I am 69.
dh has recovered well from a "minor" heart attack (nurses words).
over the years he has had many "minor" things wrong with him, each one successfully healed etc.

fortunately I am still strong and healthy.

I have always cared for him, supported him, sympathised with him ,been as kind as I can, never letting him feel that it has been a difficult time for me (which sometimes it has been really hard to keep going)
we have literally no family here in the uk, all adult children living abroad.

now my question to all you wise people.

for many years, once winter arrives I feel the cold ,very cold.
my dh doesn't .he still wears shorts in November.
even today he was in the garden in shorts.

when the house...large 4 bed detached begins to get cold...., it's a bitter wind today, I turn up the heating.
my hands were like a stone.

it caused a massive argument with dh, the same one that has been ongoing for many years every winter.

at my age, it exhausts me, knowing that he will start moaning that I have turned up the thermostat......I pay all the bills....
sometimes I sit in the cold just to avoid an argument.

what can I do?

OP posts:

HolgerDanske · 22/02/2015 16:48

You turn the heating on and tell him to stop being an idiot.

BIWI · 22/02/2015 16:48

Get up, walk out of the room and just ignore him.

If you're paying all the bills, how dare he criticise you!

stevienickstophat · 22/02/2015 16:54

Oh bless you.

If you were my mum I'd be giving my dad a good telling off.

Turn the heating on, and tell him to bugger off.

If you don't want to do that, I will.

LongDistanceLove · 22/02/2015 16:58

I think it depends really, I don't feel the cold but my xp did, he'd turn the thermostat up if he was cold without say putting a jumper on first. I didn't see the logic in that, and saw it as a waste of money, and sometimes it led to arguments.

I'm not sure of your situation, but can you compromise on it? So maybe he has a cooler room to go to?

ravenmum · 22/02/2015 17:05

If you pay the bills, why is he moaning? Maybe get up, walk out of the room and up the road to a nice warm café, club, pub or whatever you like and meet up with some friends?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/02/2015 17:09

What temperature is the thermostat usually set at?

Original poster

gotcoldhands · 22/02/2015 17:11

70 usually as I feel cold, must be age. but dh "sneaks" it down then the house feels cold

OP posts:

HolgerDanske · 22/02/2015 17:11

I don think the paying the bills issue should be the main thrust here. We wouldn't tell a wife not to complain because her husband pays all the bills...

The problem here is his nasty attitude.

ErrolTheDragon · 22/02/2015 17:12

If you're abnormally cold - especially your extremities - could it be Raynaud's syndrome? though TBH it sounds like it's your DH who runs oddly hot.

Does he complain because of the bills or because he finds the house uncomfortable if it's at the temperature that's right for you? If the former, then he's being unreasonable. If the latter - well, any chance you can make some of the rooms cosier without heating the whole house?

Either way, sitting in the cold isn't good for you.

Tobyjugg · 22/02/2015 17:12

Buy him some shares in your energy supplier and when he moans next time tell him to thing of his dividends!

Tobyjugg · 22/02/2015 17:13

*think of

ravenmum · 22/02/2015 17:14

If the husband came on and said he was paying the heating bills but his wife made him sit in the cold, I'd ask exactly the same thing.

Is his argument about expenses, or does he think it's too hot? Or something else?

Original poster

gotcoldhands · 22/02/2015 17:15

yes I know, it's not about paying the bills...I just meant that it's nothing to do with finances....we are still arguing,
he says I fuss too much, that's it's not cold, yet my hands were freezing, it just escalates, I just wish I had someone "to stand up for me"

he laughs at me when I get upset at the arguments.

OP posts:

HolgerDanske · 22/02/2015 17:16

Do you love him?

Is he generally a nice person who for some reason becomes a complete idiot when it comes to this one issue? Or is there a money problem that worries him?

Or is he actually not a very nice person who has always been quite nasty and dismissive of york needs and feelings! and takes from you and never gives back? Has he thanked you in words and in actions for looking after him over the years when he's been poorly and needed care? Does he acknowledge the fact that you are still working hard to provide a home for the two of you?

Because if not, maybe now would be a good time to downsize and find yourself a little place that you can keep at a comfortable temperature without someone hassling you and starting huge rows.

Again,

ErrolTheDragon · 22/02/2015 17:16

Hm, 70F is about 21 - that's a bit warmer than I'd want my house. But I can imagine in 15 years time if I'm pretty sedentary it'd be about right. How much does he put it down to?

Can't you have a sensible discussion and come up with a compromise?

HolgerDanske · 22/02/2015 17:17

Your*

And the bills thing wasn't directed at you. I just meant everyone who was using it as the main thrust of why he shouldn't be moaning...

ravenmum · 22/02/2015 17:18

He's been ill a lot; has he been stuck at home a lot, feeling a bit powerless? Could it be an attempt to get a bit more control and feel more like the man around the house?

cabbageandgravy · 22/02/2015 17:22

Two things here - a 4 bed detached house is going to be expensive to keep warm, but have you looked into all the energy saving steps that would make it cheaper to heat and more comfortable at the same time?

But his attitude is unpleasant and bossy. Some people do have a mean streak about particular things, others generally inconsiderate and domineering - which is it here?

If its just the money and he's generally reasonable have you thought of downsizing? Once our kids have left i really don't want to stay in this big hous. Or do you value the space to get away from each other???

ravenmum · 22/02/2015 17:24

He laughs at you when you're upset? Nastily, or because he seriously can't see what the fuss is about?

Do you get out much, though? Have you got someone to meet in that warm café and give you moral support? It would make you feel stronger even if they're not actually there during the arguments.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/02/2015 17:24

21C is pretty warm. (You'd genuinely freeze in my house!) However, I don't think your problem is really about the temperature dial and a perennial winter argument doesn't sound all that terrible on the face of it. What is it that is getting you down? Is the thermostat argument the tip of the iceberg? Are you fed up with the marriage for other reasons? Are you unhappy with life in general?

ravenmum · 22/02/2015 17:30

I work from home and spend a long time sitting still, and I have the temperature up higher in my work room, as I get a lot colder sitting around than when I'm cleaning, cooking and so on. If your husband's out gardening it might feel warmer when he comes in. It also makes a difference how naturally well padded you are :-)

But yes, if you're telling him you feel cold and he's saying you don't, then it's not really the temperature that's the problem.

UndecidedNow · 22/02/2015 17:34

My main issue us that he thinks he can have a go at you and laugh at you got being cold.

I'm cold most if the time and would happily put the thermostat up to 21, even more in the evenings. It is very clear I'm cold. My hands are freezing, my feet are cold, my nose us cold. The whine me is cold to the touch.
DH on the other hand isn't.

But he would never have a go at me because I want to put the heating on because I'm cold. He would never laugh. I mean, is it really that difficult to understand that no everyone feels the heat/cold the same way???

On the other side, why would you need to have someone standing g up for you? Has there been any other instances where he ignored your well being, where his pov was more important than yours, when it was ok to ridicule you just because?
Please, I do realise that it will be very hard to do as for do many years he has probably run the show but please stand up to him. Tell him that unless he is ready to care for you the same way you have done for him, he'll have to stop being a knob.

Quitelikely · 22/02/2015 17:34

You could turn the radiator off in some rooms and stay in the room that has the radiator turned up.

Also have you considered getting an electric blanket/throw that you can use.

Good luck

inlectorecumbit · 22/02/2015 17:37

Are you on medication like beta blockers? have you had your bloods checked recently-may be worth a visit to your GP.
Perhaps you are just naturally cold and if so pick a room fro yourself and put an extra fire or turn up the radiators so you can have a warm haven for yourself.
Being cold is pretty miserable

UndecidedNow · 22/02/2015 17:39

But the temperature isn't the issue here us it?
You can put together all the plans in the world to deal with the cold better. But it's not going to change the fact the the OP has nursed him repeatedly and he can't even be bothered to be sure she is feeling warm in her own house!
That she has done a lot for his well being but he can't be arrsed to look after hers.
And that she doesn't feel she can stand up to him.

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