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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh had a heart attack....

83 replies

gotcoldhands · 22/02/2015 16:47

advice please,
we are pensioners , I am 69.
dh has recovered well from a "minor" heart attack (nurses words).
over the years he has had many "minor" things wrong with him, each one successfully healed etc.

fortunately I am still strong and healthy.

I have always cared for him, supported him, sympathised with him ,been as kind as I can, never letting him feel that it has been a difficult time for me (which sometimes it has been really hard to keep going)
we have literally no family here in the uk, all adult children living abroad.

now my question to all you wise people.

for many years, once winter arrives I feel the cold ,very cold.
my dh doesn't .he still wears shorts in November.
even today he was in the garden in shorts.

when the house...large 4 bed detached begins to get cold...., it's a bitter wind today, I turn up the heating.
my hands were like a stone.

it caused a massive argument with dh, the same one that has been ongoing for many years every winter.

at my age, it exhausts me, knowing that he will start moaning that I have turned up the thermostat......I pay all the bills....
sometimes I sit in the cold just to avoid an argument.

what can I do?

.

OP posts:
UndecidedNow · 22/02/2015 17:42

Can I ask people who say 'pick a room for yourself where the temperature us higher'
How us it acceptable to ask the OP to confine herself to one room?
Are you also saying she should ban herself from watching TV (common room so colder I would imagine?)?

If there was a major issue with the cost if heating, then fair enough. But from what the OP says, it isn't. It's just him not wanting to and thinking she us stupid to say she feels cold ShockAngry

Original poster
gotcoldhands · 22/02/2015 17:48

honestly, it's the only thing we argue over.
he doesn't rule me at all, we are 50-50 on everything.
I just feel that as long as his needs are being met, diet, gp appointments, somehow, it feels as though it's all about dh.
it just blew up earlier, my hands were freezing, I turned the stat up, and it hit off.
he is still complaining that I shouldn't argue with him.
all I did was turn the stat up. I think it's a legacy from his childhood, when money was short to be honest.
it's been like this for years, I dread the winter knowing there will be hideous arguments.
then when he laughs at me when I am upset, I just want to run away!

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 22/02/2015 17:52

I reckon the reason this is the only thing you argue about it because you tend to defer in every other area. Otherwise why would he be saying you shouldn't argue with him?

BIWI · 22/02/2015 17:53

How about making one of the four bedrooms a room just for you?

Buy yourself an oil-filled portable radiator and keep that room nice and cosy. Make sure you have everything you want/need to hand in there - so it's your own sitting room.

ImperialBlether · 22/02/2015 17:59

I think he's very unfair and selfish, too. It's time you put yourself first.

Just on a practical note, someone on here was talking about heated throws the other day - here's one from John Lewis but you can get them cheaper. Let me know if you want the link from the other thread.

Joysmum · 22/02/2015 18:00

I do think the temperature is the issue here. 21c is pretty warm tbh.

If I'm cold but I can warm up by putting extra layers on but if I'm too hot i can't cool down.

BIWI · 22/02/2015 18:01

Well, clearly 21 isn't pretty warm, if the OP is still feeling the cold Hmm

Original poster
gotcoldhands · 22/02/2015 18:02

I thought of that, but then I thought why should I have to sit in a small room when dh has the run of the house!
he has just called me nasty, rude and evil because I dared to argue with him.
the house is warm now, but icy cold atmosphere, he just doesn't want to accept I get COLD.
don't know what to do now, it happens every winter, I am tired of it all.
maybe I will get an escape route for me, to live on my own and let him fend for himself.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/02/2015 18:02

He shouldn't laugh at you or dismiss your problem or refuse to discuss. However, by the same token, you probably shouldn't have hands like ice when the ambient temperature is 21C/70F. My DM suffers from very poor circulation, and we all run around looking for cosy blankets, microwaveable hand-warmers, hot drinks and other solutions to make her more comfortable We don't tell her to shut up.

Original poster
gotcoldhands · 22/02/2015 18:04

I do put on warm chunky jumpers, but I'm damned if I will put gloves on in my home, at my age I just want peace, warmth and quiet.dh simply won't accept I feel cold

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/02/2015 18:04

There is never any justification for someone being nasty, rude and evil. Are you sure you get along well the rest of the time? Or is this the only thing you feel strongly enough about to challenge him on? Do you tend to cave normally?

HolgerDanske · 22/02/2015 18:05

I think he sounds really horrible. And I think you've done enough for other people now and you ought to look after yourself for a bit.

3littlefrogs · 22/02/2015 18:07

He is bullying you OP.
This isn't about the temperature, really.
Yes - if you are feeling cold at 21 degrees there may be a physiological reason for that, but this is about feeling controlled and unappreciated in your own home.
You pay the bills but you are treated with disrespect and unkindness by someone who is supposed to love you, and to whom you have been kind and generous.

Do you want to stay in the marriage?
You do have choices.
It is never to late to be kind to yourself.

VivaLeBeaver · 22/02/2015 18:08

Would you like to live on your own?

My mum told my dad she wanted a divorce in their mid 60s. She's now 72 and very happy.

Original poster
gotcoldhands · 22/02/2015 18:10

the kitchen has cold tiled floor, which leads to the through lounge, when I sit in the lounge ,with the weather which turned freezing earlier, my hands were so cold. I am healthy and strong, but this is the only problem I have got.
I support him with all the medication etc, special diet and everything I can, but the one thing I have a problem with he is nasty and dismissive of me.
I tried to explain to him that all I want/need is a bit of care myself, but now I think he is just like his father was, a selfish and mean individual.as long as his needs were being met, he couldn't care when someone else has needs.
impossible to "talk" about it as he just laughs and walks out of the room.
it's going to be a cold emotional evening for me, same as, same as all the other winters.

OP posts:
mrsminiverscharlady · 22/02/2015 18:10

Sorry if this sounds nice old fashioned, but part of marriage is about cherishing one another, which to me means being concerned about the other's happiness and wellbeing and making them happy (within reason obviously, not so that you get taken advantage of!)

It doesn't sound as though you feel cherished really and that he's more bothered about himself than you. I'm not sure what the answer if this is the case, but it would suggest that there are deeper problems in your marriage than the ambient temperature...

GoatsDoRoam · 22/02/2015 18:14

You DO have someone to stand up for you, coldhands: yourself.

It is telling that when you do stand up for yourself, he tells you that you shouldn't argue with him, and calls you nasty rude and selfish.

I don't like the sound of him at all.

You are entitled to have needs, and to state them, without being laughed at, dismissed, or insulted. I find it especially sad that you have gotten used to the idea that "standing up to him" is somehow out of your reach,

MisForMumNotMaid · 22/02/2015 18:15

You're the same age as my mum and are having the same argument as my mum and dad. Its also about the only thing they actively disagree about (have done for years).

Heres their workable for them compromise: my mum wears ugg type slipper boots around the house keeping her feet and ankles warm. She has small sofa blankets by each of her favourite seats to put over her lap. Neither of them touches the thermostat, its at an accurate 21. My mum goes to watch TV upstairs at 9pm to a warm bedroom and the heating goes of at 10pm so when my dad goes up to bed the bedroom, at 11pm onwards, is cooling.

I have sympathy with both of them. I don't think its rights and wrongs being too hot isn't nice nor is being too cold.

hesterton · 22/02/2015 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 22/02/2015 18:16

Yes, it does sound as though there are bigger problems. Maybe you hadn't noticed because you had always put him first. It's not done you any favours.

You're going to have a very, very long retirement with this man unless you can get sorted. Anyone who laughs in the face of their wife doesn't deserve a wife.

If someone suggested you separate and you had your own smaller home, what would your immediate reaction be?

Jacana · 22/02/2015 18:19

I really feel for you[Sad, I've recently downsized to a smaller and more heat efficient place and for the first time in years I'm warm at this time of year. The thermo's set at 20 and there it stays. I'm a widow so the only person I've got to argue with is myselfGrin . Please can you call in at an Age Concern place and ask for a couple or three of those freebie temp. Charts they give away? They show the actual temp of the room/hall and they're graded to show if the temp is acceptable, low or dangerously low? I'm guessing that, sited away from a rad they may show that the actual temp is lower than your thermostat shows. A bit of 'scientific' proof will be your best friend here. Btw, if the science shows that you're living in a greenhouse, ditch themWink

A constant ambient temp is more important to me than hot spots and I guess you're the same? He can take himself off to another room with no rad on?

The winter fuel allowance is given to help you. Remind him of that should he complain about the cost.

Many OAPs escape to the Costas for the winter, Benidorm, cos it's flat, is popular and all the main holiday companies advertise them. Might this be something to think about, if not this year, perhaps next? Actually, why not this year for a couple of weeks? Even if its just you, there are plenty of widows/widowers who do, you'd not be lonely. And he could go with you or stay, his choice.

For now, please keep posting. Your family might not be near but there's always someone here to chat with and offload to.

All the very best.

cabbageandgravy · 22/02/2015 18:20

Absolutely that was a very nasty disturbing thing to say just because you asked for something. Evil???? Was he joking? Or is he scared you might withdraw from keeping him alive/well. Maybe he's subconsciously frightened as well as selfish? . It really does sound as if he cant cope with you standing up for yourself. I cannot believe it's really 50:50 in your relationship unless you're that nasty to him too!

Wrapdress · 22/02/2015 18:28

I hate being cold so I have an electric blanket I sit with while I am at my desk working and I take frequent HOT baths. I also run hot water on my hands and I am always bundled up. I would get a space heater if I needed one, but not there yet. I don't pay that particular bill in my house, so I see this as my own problem to manage.

babyboomersrock · 22/02/2015 18:29

As I understand it, the OP isn't saying she is cold at 70 degrees - she's cold when her dh turns the thermostat down below that.

70 usually as I feel cold, must be age. but dh "sneaks" it down then the house feels cold

I like a warm house too. I lived in freezing houses with no central heating much of my life and I am relishing being warm. I'd do without holidays and luxury items to be comfortable in my own house. I do wear jumpers and warm slippers but that doesn't help with cold air being breathed in.

The well-meant suggestions to get out and sit in warm cafes don't really address the fact that you should be able to do as you like in your own home. Why should you have to go elsewhere?

He sounds self-centred and a bit of a bully, OP. I'm nearly your age and am now married to someone who wouldn't dream of controlling me in that way - but I used to be married to someone very like your dh.

Allow yourself to imagine what it would be like to live alone, in a small but warm house, with nobody to boss you around. Is that unthinkable, because you'd miss him so much? Or is it rather appealing?

Joysmum · 22/02/2015 18:35

Feeling that cold below 21c with jumpers socks and slippers would be a trip to the doctors.

So if the husband is feeling warm enough to be in shorts and t-shirt, how is he supposed to cool down?

Btw, I'm the cold person in my house, especially on fasting days, but I'll sit here wrapped u and ecen have a little quilt because the other 2 aren't. Why should they be too hot and not able to cool down?