dh had a heart attack....

[gotcoldhands]

advice please,
we are pensioners , I am 69.
dh has recovered well from a "minor" heart attack (nurses words).
over the years he has had many "minor" things wrong with him, each one successfully healed etc.

fortunately I am still strong and healthy.

I have always cared for him, supported him, sympathised with him ,been as kind as I can, never letting him feel that it has been a difficult time for me (which sometimes it has been really hard to keep going)
we have literally no family here in the uk, all adult children living abroad.

now my question to all you wise people.

for many years, once winter arrives I feel the cold ,very cold.
my dh doesn't .he still wears shorts in November.
even today he was in the garden in shorts.

when the house...large 4 bed detached begins to get cold...., it's a bitter wind today, I turn up the heating.
my hands were like a stone.

it caused a massive argument with dh, the same one that has been ongoing for many years every winter.

at my age, it exhausts me, knowing that he will start moaning that I have turned up the thermostat......I pay all the bills....
sometimes I sit in the cold just to avoid an argument.

what can I do?

.

I have tried to resolve the argument, but he wants to watch the (old) james bond film and won't talk. actually,
I would love to live in a small cosy little house,with no one to tell me if I am cold or not.
dh is definitely self centred, getting worse as he is getting older.
smiles when he is out to strangers but gives me angry miserable faces at home, just like his father did.
he has truly grown into him I can see that now.
I would be really relieved.
but to sell up now, he would be entitled to half, as everything is mine, and there wouldn't be enough with a split to get another place, he has probably thought of that and knows I won't upset the apple cart.
I wish my dd was living close by, but then, I wouldn't want to burden her with this.
I feel trapped now, but I am warm right now.

I don't believe the issue is the temperature in the house, but the power dynamics in the couple.

Why do you say everything is yours? Was it yours before marriage?

Why not upset the apple cart?

It sounds like an apple cart that you would rather do without.

yes, it was mine before we married, together 25 years, retired 15 years ago.
dh has certainly become a grumpy old man, doesn't like doing anything new, completely self centred.
today, I realised that it's all about him.
I was cold.
get over it.
dunno, I have to seriously think about this now.

I'm not in the UK, so check this with a solicitor in your jurisdiction, but in the country I live in, wealth acquired before marriage remains in the possession of the original owner after divorce. It's wealth acquired in the course of the marriage that is jointly owned.

It's worth informing yourself what your financial position would be in case of a split.

Tell him you have worked all your life and now your retired(I assume) you are going to have what you want when you want if you can afford it!!
Shorts today! It's bloody freezing, as he got more fat on him than you?

I'm 57 and I feel the cold(nothing wrong with me either) and I have my heating set at 20 all day and 21 after 6pm and no man would tell me I wasn't cold if I was!!! Nothing worse than being cold.

I agree that it's worthwhile booking an appointment with a solicitor. If nothing else, it's something to think of while you're looking at his miserable face.

Does your daughter have a permanent home that you think she'll stay in for a long time? If so have you looked to see what a flat would cost in that area?

If the house was yours before you married, its always been clearly declared as yours and he's never made claim on it, its possible you could walk away with it.

If things are really bad why not go and chat to a solicitor for 1/2 hr. You'd probably be looking at about £100 for a half hour session but if you went with financial facts (all the personal and shared financial details you can muster) in hand you might come out with a clearer list of your options. You don't need to mention it to him. Just make an appointment and go on a fact gathering mission.

OP, I think you MIGHT have a lot going on here, but that doesn't mean it's all bad.

First. Issues around thermostats are common in lots of relationships.... people just like rooms at different temperatures. In my relationship, I like the house warmer than my husband in the day, but colder at night. At uni I lived with someone who liked it really, really hot... and I used to be the one who sneaked the thermostat down both because it was too hot and because it was costing us a fortune.... Do you need the radiators "on" in all the house? Could you turn some to "off" Could you have a "sub" system, or particularly insulate one room and make yourself a snug? But you do need to be able to talk about it. Older people do feel the cold more (even if perhaps not your husband). There are tips that age concern have too, for people on a lower income, as to how to keep houses warmer, so you may find things to help you there.

Second, there's a sub-text going on, which I'd suggest you do need to sort out. Whether you can sort that out between you depends whether you need to do anything else. I never think it's too late for counselling, a grand name for assisted talking IMO. Assuming your husband isn't an ogre or some sort of emotional abuser, he sounds unhappy (so do you, with him, rather than much else) and/or thermostat concerns are sometimes linked to issues around money. You don't say why that might be or if you think that is so. Age and sickness I think takes a toll on all of us (as does caring for someone who is old and sick).

Don't feel that you are burdening your children discussing it with them - a problem shared is often a really good thing to do. You might also well find that going to stay with your kids on your own for a bit would give you a welcome break. Everyone needs a break from time to time.

I think the possibility of discussing separation or selling your house (which seems to be the underlying subtext) is a major step. I'd certainly discuss that with a lawyer (or age concern perhaps as a first step) before you do anything on that - your solutions may well be much smaller.

Good luck.

Alanna, she did actually say that money wasn't the problem and that she paid the bills anyway.

See a solicitor and get advice. Talk to CAB about benefit entitlements.

A friend of mine recently left anabusive husband by going on a council waiting list without telling him. She told him the day she left. They did own their property and normally wouldnt be entitled to a council house but in her circumstances she was. Even got housing benefit for six months, after which it will be reviewed but if she can prove she's trying to sell their former home she should still get it.

You would have to expect a drop in housing if you left. My parents sold a big four bed, detached house and my dad bought a 2 bed terrace with his share.

OP, did he ever contribute anything financially? You say your house was yours and that you're paying the bills. Did he work? Does he have a work pension?

The café being warm is just a pleasant side-effect, by the way: what you need is human warmth and support: it's the friends at the café that I meant were important, and getting away from the nasty atmosphere to spend time with people who might support you. It sounds like you've been at home as a carer without much to cheer you up, and as you say with no support. If you can get some support and a change of scenery it might make you feel stronger during these arguments. The physical warmth woud be a bonus.

I live abroad. My mum's in the UK; it's her 70th birthday tomorrow. The one thing I regret about living abroad is that I don't have much of a relationship left with my family. My mum wouldn't moan about problems on the phone, so I simply don't hear about them, don't know what's going on in her life or what I could do or say (if from a distance) to help. Your children might well feel pleased that you are keeping up a relationship, and appreciate being needed.

tried to talk to him just now,
he just laughed..again...then shouted put the bloody stat up , I don't care,
I just can't get him to see I feel the cold (not right now as it's warm) but it's left an awful atmosphere.
I told him I just want him to consider me, caring for him etc, he said ,don't keep on about that.
he did work, and has a small pension, but it's my investments that keep us going.
sometimes he is as hard as nails, only seeing things from his point of view.
my children have issues of their own, I wouldn't want to burden them.
I have a friend my age, and she has the same problem, but in reverse. her husband feels the cold and she opens the windows.

going for a bath.
going for a think.

OP I understand and I'm 25 years or so younger than you, most of the winter I am cold, except when I am too hot. I've always been like this, even now I'm sitting in a house heated to 21c with a fleece and sheepskin slippers on and my hands are on the cold side of comfortable, my DH is walking around the hard floors barefoot and is wearing a t-shirt and jeans.

The difference here is we have collectively chosen to keep the stat at 21c as I can work with this if I am active around the house, especially during daylight hours. In the evening when we sit down to relax, we may boost the lounge using the fire (if he is too hot he sheds clothes or moves away from the fore) or I happily sit under a throw.

Because of our heating system setup he can control the temperature remotely and he always asks who will be in when so he can make sure the house has warmed up for us.

None of us would alter the stat without discussing it.

Coldhands, might your friend be prepared to swap husbands?

I told him I just want him to consider me, caring for him etc, he said ,don't keep on about that.
I think I would avoid that subject (or the subject of your investments) during an argument if I were you. He's been reliant on you for a long time, and in my experience men are particularly uncomfortable about being reliant on others: a "proper" man is meant to support his wife and not vice versa. He might be feeling pretty much emasculated right now, and this power struggle might be a symptom of that. If so, mentioning his reliance on you, and linking it to him doing what you want, would be a big red button to push during an argument.

Perhaps he should experience life organising his appointments/diet/etc by himself. The moody sod.

Time to put your ducks in a row? Get yourself into town, book yourself one of those half nor appts with a solicitor to see what exactly you're entitled to after a split, then go along to a couple of estate agents to book them to come round and give a valuation for a sale? You really have to be pro-active now to get a better life for yourself so seeing what the house could fetch is a first step. Sounds a plan?

What I find intriguing is the subject line which no one else has mentioned.

Husband had a heart attack.

I read that and was on standby with tea and sympathy ....but it isn't about that at all...is it but how strange to start with that.

Was there some sort of subliminal thought OP that if he hadn't survived you would be in a much better situation?

Notice I didn't say that you wished him dead, that's a totally different scenario. I mightbe wrong. I say this as an interested observer only but did I pick up on a train of your thought that was saying....if things had been different, I wouldn't be sat here freezing cold and being bullied.

Hope this hasn't come across as offensive. I don't mean that in any shape or form it just seemed an odd way to start a thread when really it was how he was treating you.

To be fair, when my ex turned up the volume and turned into an even nastier bully as our marriage was unravelling I often visualised a scenario of him being removed from my life.

I noticed it too and it did strike me as an odd intro.

Hi OP, there seems to be a lot more going on here than an argument about the temperature of your house. It's a minor issue that is flagging up some unhappiness generally with your husband. You need to think about the bigger issues as well, those are more important. How he treats you. Whether you are happy overall with your relationship. Whether you still love each other.