The waiting game

[pintsizedblondie]

I'm 28 and have been with my other half for 6 years in June, we have lived together for around 18 months. I seem to have got to a point in my life where all my friends who are in similar long term relationships are getting engaged, married and having children. My O/H is less bothered about marriage but knows that it is important to me and I would like it to happen.

Last year 2 of my closest friends became engaged and that really made me start thinking about my own relationship and when this might become a reality for me. I sat down with my O/H and had a heart to heart with him about how I felt and where we were at in our relationship and where it was going. He promised me that proposing was something he would do and it would happen before I was 30.

Six months have passed since that chat and I have tried hard to not mention proposals or engagements since - I didn't want to be that girlfriend who only got proposed to because he had been nagged into it. Last week, one of my O/H friends got engaged to his girlfriend, they have only been together a year, she doesn't even live in this country and they see each other every 6 weeks - I'm not going to lie I was a bit fed up about hearing the news as it made me question my relationship again.

I promised myself I wasn't going to mention anything about this friend getting engaged but last night we went out for a few drinks and I ended up mentioning it. The crux of the matter was that he said he would now not be proposing before I was 30 because I wanted to go on a fairly expensive holiday next year to celebrate my 30th and he needed to save up for that and also that he has just bought himself a brand new car on lease and he is now going to be paying that back over the next 5 years.

I don't really know what hurt more, the fact that he isn't planning on proposing to me any time soon or that he didn't tell me. He said it's because of the holiday, but the car is for the next 5 years which makes me think he hasn't thought long term about the implications that paying that amount of money back every month for 5 years will have on future life decisions. He has a good job but does plead poverty in situations that involve spending money sometimes.

I don't really know what I'm looking for advice wise from this post, I think it just feels good to get it all down so to speak. I think that the reality of me getting engaged and married isn't going to be happening for a few years now just made me fed up.

He doesn't want to marry you. Now you know that you can decide whether it's a deal breaker or if you're happy to keep things as they are.

If you don't marry, I'd get legal advice to protect yourself financially, especially if you go onto have kids together.

He doesn't want to get engaged and marry you.

Not right now. Maybe never.

If he did he would.

He told you he would before you were 30 as that gave him time off the hook.

Now it may be in 5 years.

In 4.5 it may be for your 35/40th birthday.

You can't make him marry you.

You can decided if him and no marriage is what you want it to move on.

Do you have DC or want/are planning these? If so you are on a time scale that he is not.

Or to move on!

It's good you can talk to each other about it and it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to marry you. Perhaps as you already live together he doesn't place as much importance on getting engaged. You said it was more important to you.

Engagement is the promise to marry not the ring and it always seems odd to me when people plan to get engaged. Howver, if it's just money that is holding things up, then that's very simple - you don't need an expensive ring.

Also, you don't have to wait for him... You can propose or you can decide you don't want to stay in your relationship if it's not providing you with what you need.

I hope it works out for you both.

he said he would now not be proposing before I was 30

Doesn't it piss you off to be this passive object in his life?

He gets to decide when he proposes and you have to sit around waiting "patiently" like a good little girl.

Seriously, fuck that.

You are young, in the prime of your life.

Go and grab that life by the scruff of the neck and don't let anybody out you on hold.

Do you even want to marry this guy?

Don't end up in a musical chairs marriage where you marry the person you happen to be with when the music stops at your 30th birthday.

He doesn't want children and I was undecided, I don't think I do to be honest so that isn't really an issue. I agree tincansally that he doesn't place as much importance on engagements because we now live together. I spoke to a friend last night about it and she said there was no point splitting up over it because for me to meet someone new and get to the point where I'd get engaged that would take time as well which I agree which but then I'm fed up with him moving the goal posts.

Get yourself some better friends if that's the best advice they can offer.

I'd also be careful about the no kids thing with this guy as you don't sound sure yourself.

In your shoes, I'd be moving out for a while to give myself some space and think about what I really wanted. It sounds like this relationship has just become a habit.

Glad that DC and time are not an issue for you.

It is unfair that you are waiting around for him and he is changing the goal posts.

You spelt out that marriage is important for you. It simply isn't for him and he is not fussed deep down that it is for you.

As you have pointed out friends who have been together a short period of time are now engaged. You could still be before your 30th!

I would be very hurt and angry at this too.

I wonder what would happen if you said forget the expensive holiday, marriage is more important...

I was in this position when I was your age. Living with Exbf for 2 years but he refused to put himself in a position where marriage was viable. Kept telling me I was the love of his life and he wanted kids with me etc.

It was stalemate and made me very unhappy. The power was all his.

I ended it eventually and set out aged 33 to find someone who wanted the same things as I did.

I met dh a year later. Been together for 14 years, married 10. We have 2 kids and we are both very happy.

Although it was heartbreaking at the time I have never regretted taking control. I loved him but he wasn't the man I needed for the future I wanted.

Take control op.

He said if I wanted a £100 ring then it would happen sooner. He did mention about sacking the holiday off but there's still no assurance it would happen even then and to be honest I'd be a bit pissed off we had to cancel the holiday and he's still gone and bought this 18K car when his own one was perfectly fine.

He sounds selfish. Why do you want to marry this man?

Why can't he buy a car?

What ring do you want? That is not as important as the marriage/relationship.

He can buy a car, I am fine with that. I was more coming from the angle that buying the car has put him in this financial position that will affect his life and mine and potentially any decisions we make for the next 5 years.

It's a difficult one Op but IMO I don't think he wants to get engaged or marry you. He may not be ready right now or he may well be telling the truth about money but it all sounds a little like excuses.

He may already know that he never wants to marry you but he doesn't want to say anything because things suit him as they are currently and telling you would make life difficult for him. Out of interest what would you do if he did tell you he would never ask you to marry him? Would you still be happy staying in this relationship?

If he was intending on marrying you and money was the issue he wouldn't have bought the car. I can also take a guess the luxury holiday would be out the window if he told you that getting engaged to you was more important but he couldn't afford to do both.

6 years is a long time and I don't think this situation will change. The risk you are taking is staying in a situation hoping one day your DP will change his mind only to wake up when you are 45 still waiting.

You really need to think about what is important to you long term. If marriage and possibly DC are a deal breaker then this relationship may not be right for you long term.

As for your friends advice about staying with him because you are too old to meet someone else. That's a load of bollocks! I met DH when I was 33 and we got married when I was 37 and had PFB DD when I was 38. You have plenty of time to meet someone else.

We have had a long and honest conversation this morning and he has said that he does want to get married because it's important to me. He has suggested that we delay the holiday a year so that he has time to save up for an engagement ring first to propose next year. He also said that he feels if I don't do that and say I will wait until after our holiday next year to start saving up for a ring then he is worried I won't want to wait that long and will leave him.

He also said that if I wanted to get engaged tomorrow he would do as he has a small amount of savings but he knows it wouldn't be the big affair that I'd want (which I admit is true).

Glad you spoke and it seems I stand corrected in my opinion. I hope his true to his word and he doesn't string you on for a further year.

My only question is, if his aware of your feelings why would he spend so much money on a new car rather than getting engaged?

I wish you both well for the future.

He said that his earnings were being split 50/50 between something I wanted to do for the future (the holiday or engagement) and something he wanted (the car) I can't begrudge him spending money on the car, he works hard for his money. I did ask why he couldn't have saved up beforehand for a ring but it seems he has been a little economical with the truth in regards to how much he was financially struggling before his promotion which he didn't tell me about.

I think I've learnt from this that we need to communicate more and not let things bottle up to a point where it results in upset. Thank you for your well wishes.

Don't push him into it. You need to do it when you're BOTH ready. What's more important for the next few years, the expensive holiday for your 30th or a wedding?
Don't you want a proposal to be spontanious and a surprise? Whatever happened to good old fashioned romance?! Now he knows you really want it, leave him be, stop nagging him. Sounds like you've got a good one there.

One thing stands out. All this saving for rings, saving for the wedding.

If being married is important to you, why not get an inexpensive ring, why not just have a registry office wedding?

You could do that for well under £1k

I'm Not saying that making him save to buy you an expensive ring, or both saving for an expensive wedding is intrinsically wrong, but if being married is the thing that you actually really want, and your are saying it is the cost that is currently stopping you, then there are ways to achieve that goal without the massive outlay.

You could then have an expensive eternity ring in a year or two, and a vows renewal as a big ceremony if you can't bear to go without a big day somewhere down the line.

Are you more interested in a wedding than in a marriage?

I agree with Dale . Surely the marriage is more important than the size of a wedding or cost of the ring. I also think this waiting for a proposal rather than just deciding together as a couple to get married is crazy - but I know I'm in the minority with thinking that.

Your OH sounds really nice from what you've written OP. It sounds like he listens to you and works towards compromising. I hope you work this out so you're both happy.

@pintsized I know just how you feel. my partner is constantly saying that he can't afford to get a ring even though I've said I don't care about that. He also says he wants to propose in his own way and not just because everyone else is getting engaged. hmm. I am pretty realistic though. I feel like unless people get engaged while their in their first flush of love then it doesn't usually happen and more practical aspects seem to get involved. I know so many couples who aren't engaged and aren't going to get engaged ever and this is becasuse they let life get in the way and now it's too late. The men are happy but the woman aren't!

If as you say children aren't an issue, why do you want to get married? It's 2015, not 1955. It's just a piece of paper. Oh and why don't you propose to him? These threads pop up all the time about women who wait for years and years.... It's 2015 FGS, take the initiative. Life isn't an american romcom or a Disney movie.

Why haven't you saved up for your big fancy wedding yourself???

Or proposed to him???

I have savings that I can use to put towards any wedding we do have and I am more than capable of saving my earnings to do this also. I'm not expecting him to pay for the wedding on his own.

I guess the reason that I haven't considered proposing is that deep down I do see myself as a bit of a traditionalist. Also in our relationship I am more of the active person who gets things done so it would be nice for him to take the initiative just once.