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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The waiting game

79 replies

pintsizedblondie · 22/02/2015 10:44

I'm 28 and have been with my other half for 6 years in June, we have lived together for around 18 months. I seem to have got to a point in my life where all my friends who are in similar long term relationships are getting engaged, married and having children. My O/H is less bothered about marriage but knows that it is important to me and I would like it to happen.

Last year 2 of my closest friends became engaged and that really made me start thinking about my own relationship and when this might become a reality for me. I sat down with my O/H and had a heart to heart with him about how I felt and where we were at in our relationship and where it was going. He promised me that proposing was something he would do and it would happen before I was 30.

Six months have passed since that chat and I have tried hard to not mention proposals or engagements since - I didn't want to be that girlfriend who only got proposed to because he had been nagged into it. Last week, one of my O/H friends got engaged to his girlfriend, they have only been together a year, she doesn't even live in this country and they see each other every 6 weeks - I'm not going to lie I was a bit fed up about hearing the news as it made me question my relationship again.

I promised myself I wasn't going to mention anything about this friend getting engaged but last night we went out for a few drinks and I ended up mentioning it. The crux of the matter was that he said he would now not be proposing before I was 30 because I wanted to go on a fairly expensive holiday next year to celebrate my 30th and he needed to save up for that and also that he has just bought himself a brand new car on lease and he is now going to be paying that back over the next 5 years.

I don't really know what hurt more, the fact that he isn't planning on proposing to me any time soon or that he didn't tell me. He said it's because of the holiday, but the car is for the next 5 years which makes me think he hasn't thought long term about the implications that paying that amount of money back every month for 5 years will have on future life decisions. He has a good job but does plead poverty in situations that involve spending money sometimes.

I don't really know what I'm looking for advice wise from this post, I think it just feels good to get it all down so to speak. I think that the reality of me getting engaged and married isn't going to be happening for a few years now just made me fed up.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 22/02/2015 19:49

So what's the problem?

ScotsWhaHae · 22/02/2015 20:03

Wtf? I don't get any of this.

So bow you're hanging about waiting for him to propose, which you have agreed to already.

Help me out here. Surely that means every meal, birthday, Valentine's day, etc between now and whenever he decides to furnish you with a ring, you'll be wondering 'will he propose now?'

Will you not then be annoyed every time he doesn't propose to you when he could have?

head explodes

And this... He said that his earnings were being split 50/50 between something I wanted to do for the future (the holiday or engagement) and something he wanted (the car)

Is a crock of shit.

It's all about him. Is he going on this big holiday with you? So he's benefiting. Is a proposal and subsequent marriage not a join venture? For his benefit as well as yours. It's all about him isn't it. I'm 30, been married for 6 years. He was an apprentice when he proposed to me, we used a kit kat wrapper that night and picked up a twelve quid Elizabeth duke ring to show people when we told them the news. Two years later I got a proper ring. It's an excuse, playing into your materialistic tendencies.

Lweji · 22/02/2015 20:09

Why can't you get married and have a nice holiday as the honeymoon?

It should be simple.

If it's this complicated, then I very much doubt you will get married to this man.

ScotsWhaHae · 22/02/2015 20:13

Yup, It's really not that complicated.

Will you marry me?

Yes!

Whoo... you're engaged.

That's all there is to it.

Whocansay · 22/02/2015 20:21

Sorry OP, but the car is more important to him than you are. He has nicely sidestepped the issue with all this bollocks about saving for a ring.

CitySnicker · 22/02/2015 20:21

But if the car was £18k, he's saving 50/50 for that and your ring / wedding, and you want to take family abroad....you're talking £8k very minimum for his share (unless parenst are coughing up)....that's a lot of wedding to save for...esp if he's not bothered about a fancy wedding but knows that is your expectation.

I'd say only way to know for sure is to say that you have changed your mind, "registry office and 2 witnesses next Saturday, lets go for it!" If he says, 'no'..you have your answer...its not the money, its him, he doesn't want to.

It's all very well saying 'but he should just marry you if that what he wants' but if you have set an expectation about the kind of wedding you want...he does have to save for that.

Handywoman · 22/02/2015 20:37

Another one here confused by the 'waiting to get engaged' thing. Gives him all the power and puts you in this passive fairy-tale role. Makes it all a bit of a game.

Boak.

BifsWif · 22/02/2015 20:48

OP can you sit down with him and ask him outright if there is something about marriage that bothers him?

Lweji · 22/02/2015 20:58

if you have set an expectation about the kind of wedding you want...he does have to save for that.

Surely both have. :)

That is why I asked the OP. Do you want a marriage or a wedding?

If I want to be married to someone, I'll get married within the budget I got at the time. If I only want the party, then, sure, I'd save up, but I will be losing sight of what is important.

CitySnicker · 22/02/2015 21:32

Did OP not say something about him saying he wanted to get married because OP did though. He wants to do it for her as it's something she really wants (or so he says). He'd be happy having a small do then though?

If my other half really wanted to get married, it wasn't so important to me, but I loved him dearly,... I would get married. This is what he is 'saying'. He shouldn't expect to greatly control my spending though (car). If he turned round and said...oh but i still want my fancy holiday this year too...I'd start getting narky. You have the money in savings, he doesn't.

Maybe a wedding is just not a priority for him. Maybe he just doesn't want to tho. Going for a registry office next week followed by a proper do beside Lake Garda in a couple of years would be the way to go to find out once and for all.......but if you do this....your savings are his savings....your car is his car....

honeyroar · 22/02/2015 21:50

I think some me are just a bit slow in this matter, it doesn't always mean they aren't going to propose. I know two friends who gave ultimatums to their OH's and one actually left for six months, the other was making plans to get alternative lodgings. They'd both been with their OH's for nearly a decade. They are both married now, one has been for 8years. It's not the most romantic way to do it though!

TheSkinnyProject · 23/02/2015 13:28

I am sure op s partner could be coerced eventually into marriage but what does that do for her self esteem and why would you marry someone who takes you for granted like this.

If he wasn't totally thrilled at the thought of spending his life with me I would be out the door. Have higher expectations.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 23/02/2015 15:03

You say you're a traditionalist... In that case, why are you expecting your DP to pay for the wedding? Traditionally, your parents pay for the wedding. It's your first marriage, you're really young - arent you expecting your parents to foot at least some of the bill?

Why did it take you 4.5 years to live together? And WHY did you move in with him if you really would prefer to be married?? It's always, always a step backwards. Now he really is having his cake and eating it.

But let's start from where you are. You moved away from your hometown yo live with him without any commitment. Not your best move, but you already know that. Now you understandably feel vulnerable, needy, and more keen to marry him (as you've already burned so many bridges and gave given up your independence).

Start becoming more independent NOW. Go out in your new town, make friends - lots of new friends. Join a gym, a social group, get an evening job - ANYTHING to expand your OWN life outside this relationship. Stop waiting around for him, get busy with your own stuff. Go out more. Do your own thing.

That'll make you feel soooooooo much better.

Original poster

pintsizedblondie · 23/02/2015 19:41

For a start I don't expect him to pay for the wedding, I've never said that in any of my messages so I'm not sure where that has come from. I would pay 50/50 for any part of a wedding. Yes my parents would probably pay for some of the wedding but I wouldn't expect it, it would be nice if it was an added bonus.

It took 4.5 years to live together because I retrained as a teacher and lived at home whilst I did this so that I could retrain without having any money worries at the time, prior to this I had a job which was too far a commute from where my partner now lives for it to be viable. He also still lived at home when we met and bought a house a year before I moved in after saving up a hefty deposit.

I am not dependent on him and I don't like the insinuation that I am, I only live 25 miles from my home town and go back regularly to see friends and family. I have my own life and my own interests outside my relationship, always have done, always will do, it is not healthy to live in each others pockets.

OP posts:

FabULouse · 23/02/2015 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

pintsizedblondie · 23/02/2015 19:52

He did talk to me about it beforehand and I said if he could afford it then he should go for it. It wasn't like I didn't know about the car or the loan before he went and did it and he sprung it on me.

OP posts:

WhatsGoingOnEh · 23/02/2015 20:01

Well HE clearly expects to pay for the wedding, as "not being able to pay for the wedding" has been the reason he's given for the delay.

Why are you getting so shouty and defensive? You did come here asking for advice. All I said was do your own thing a bit more, get more of a life outside waiting for this bloke to commit. Sorry if it touched a nerve offended you.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 23/02/2015 20:07

So he bought a house a year before you moved in. Ok - this will give some insight into his future plans. Did he consult you on the house? Did he make sure you liked the house before he bought it? Was he very obviously buying the house for the two of you, or just for himself really but you could move in if you wanted?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 23/02/2015 20:09

Do you think he's scared of marriage because it'd risk his sole interest in the house? If he saved up for years for the deposit, and bought it on his own, he might dread the thought of a possible divorce granting you a 50% share of it. Could that be it?

FabULouse · 23/02/2015 20:10

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster

pintsizedblondie · 23/02/2015 20:19

I apologise if I came across as defensive and I agree that it's a good thing to have your own friends and interests.

He did consult me on the house, I was very much involved in everything right from the outset, even choosing what the house would be decorated like inside, even when I didn't contribute to the deposit, or pay any bills. He has also supported me financially somewhat through my retraining as a teacher throughout this.

The deposit and the house could possibly be a reason why he somewhat reluctant.

OP posts:

BifsWif · 23/02/2015 21:26

OP, I really feel that the only way you're going to get any answer is to sit down and have a heart to heart with him.

None of us really know what's going on in his head. Best of luck.

Original poster

pintsizedblondie · 23/02/2015 23:16

Thank you ??

OP posts:

Janus · 23/02/2015 23:31

Sorry to bring this up but are you a joint owner of the house, is your name on the title deeds? Just asking because if you are not and if you split now you are not entitled to anything but if you were married that would change. Sorry, that sounds very harsh, I just think you should protect yourself and may not be at all relevant to opening question.

Lweji · 23/02/2015 23:47

Going back a bit, how do you feel about children now?
Is he still against it? Sadly it is often the case that men who don't want children don't want them with the woman they are with at the time.
I think it's part of the marriage problem and one you should discuss at length to get a proper feel for how you stand and whether you do want to stay or you should go.

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