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Original poster

The waiting game

79 replies

pintsizedblondie · 22/02/2015 10:44

I'm 28 and have been with my other half for 6 years in June, we have lived together for around 18 months. I seem to have got to a point in my life where all my friends who are in similar long term relationships are getting engaged, married and having children. My O/H is less bothered about marriage but knows that it is important to me and I would like it to happen.

Last year 2 of my closest friends became engaged and that really made me start thinking about my own relationship and when this might become a reality for me. I sat down with my O/H and had a heart to heart with him about how I felt and where we were at in our relationship and where it was going. He promised me that proposing was something he would do and it would happen before I was 30.

Six months have passed since that chat and I have tried hard to not mention proposals or engagements since - I didn't want to be that girlfriend who only got proposed to because he had been nagged into it. Last week, one of my O/H friends got engaged to his girlfriend, they have only been together a year, she doesn't even live in this country and they see each other every 6 weeks - I'm not going to lie I was a bit fed up about hearing the news as it made me question my relationship again.

I promised myself I wasn't going to mention anything about this friend getting engaged but last night we went out for a few drinks and I ended up mentioning it. The crux of the matter was that he said he would now not be proposing before I was 30 because I wanted to go on a fairly expensive holiday next year to celebrate my 30th and he needed to save up for that and also that he has just bought himself a brand new car on lease and he is now going to be paying that back over the next 5 years.

I don't really know what hurt more, the fact that he isn't planning on proposing to me any time soon or that he didn't tell me. He said it's because of the holiday, but the car is for the next 5 years which makes me think he hasn't thought long term about the implications that paying that amount of money back every month for 5 years will have on future life decisions. He has a good job but does plead poverty in situations that involve spending money sometimes.

I don't really know what I'm looking for advice wise from this post, I think it just feels good to get it all down so to speak. I think that the reality of me getting engaged and married isn't going to be happening for a few years now just made me fed up.

OP posts:
CitySnicker · 22/02/2015 15:40

Are you going to be paying an equitable share if the wedding you want?

Original poster
pintsizedblondie · 22/02/2015 15:48

Yes of course I would.

OP posts:
KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 22/02/2015 15:55

Getting engaged doesn't cost money. Sure there's a ring, but I was proposed to without a ring and lived.

If he wanted to marry you he'd have asked you already. I wasted 3 years on a man who said he didn't want to get married and have children. We split up, he met someone else, married her and now has 3 kids.

I met someone else when I was 30, someone who said he didn't want to get married or have children until he met me. We got married and have children.

Think carefully, are you still together just because you've been together for a while so it would be difficult to give it up?

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 22/02/2015 15:56

Why are you thinking about proposing when he's already said he doesn't want to get engaged? That's mad. He'll say no and you'll feel even worse.

Original poster
pintsizedblondie · 22/02/2015 15:59

I'm not thinking about proposing that was just something that another poster suggested as an option.

OP posts:
fannyfanakapan · 22/02/2015 16:10

Set yourself a date, by which you are married, or you are planning a wedding, or you are out.

And stick to it.

If you think you might like to have children, get in a relationship where you feel it can happen. If you want to be a wife, find a man or woman that wants that too.

Right now its all about what he wants, when he wants it. You can wait on the never never or you can get out there and find someone you have a future with. You dont need to hold this as an ultimatum to your partner - I wouldn't bother, because an insincere proposal isnt going to get you anywhere. Just have a date in mind and if there is no progress, move on.

Id also question if you want the wedding or the marriage - two different things. Look at what it will mean to be married to this man - do you want to be financially hitched to someone who seems a bit tight fisted with the cash? Do you want to live with someone who puts money above happiness?

JustDrive · 22/02/2015 16:16

My friend got the 'I'll propose before your 30th line'
He dumped her 2 months before her birthday as he couldn't give her what she wanted. He was engaged to someone else within2 years.

He doesn't want to marry you. I'm sorry.

Chilliplantbox · 22/02/2015 17:08

How is your relationship in othrr ways? Take the actual ring and wedding ceremony out of the equation and does he still want to commit to you for the rest of his life? Are you actually the real deal together and completely fulfilled in his company, or just settling?

Lweji · 22/02/2015 17:15

I think you need to sort out what you actually want in your head.

Do you want to be in a marriage with this man? Or do you want a wedding?

Do you want children with him, or not?

If you told him that you could get married next month, with no engagement ring, no big expenditure and no fuss, would he want it?

I have seen enough people wasting their time with partners that are just there because no one better has come along in the meantime.

I disagree with your friend. This is the time to decide to stay with this man or not. Later it will be worse, and the time necessary to get to the point of marrying and having children could be as little as one or two years, if it's the right person.

Original poster
pintsizedblondie · 22/02/2015 17:40

The relationship is great, he makes me happy, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel safe and wanted. He is loyal, protective and dependable.

OP posts:
Twitterqueen · 22/02/2015 17:45

Why are you giving him the power to make all the decisions that affect your life? Why aren't you the one making the decisions - or at least having an equal say here?

You are giving him the authority to make the decisions that control YOUR life . BIG mistake. He is not the one who should be making these decisions. IT SHOULD BE YOU!

Lweji · 22/02/2015 17:53

I don't think women should be afraid of saying that they want to be married, or they will walk out.
When men propose they are not nagging. They are asking the woman if she wants to marry them. If she says no, they can decide to stay as they are, but most likely they will leave and move on.
Why can't you do the same?

Original poster
pintsizedblondie · 22/02/2015 18:01

If you have read previous posts I said we had a long talk about it all this morning and got it all out in the open. We have decided to postpone the holiday until the year after in order to move any proposal he does make forward - this was his decision and I feel happy that we have talked and compromised and he has listened to what will make me happy.

If it gets to the end of this timescale and it still hasn't happened then I guess I will have to think long and hard about moving on then, but for now I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that he will make good on his promise.

OP posts:
Lweji · 22/02/2015 18:04

I may be very dense, but why would a man not just say let's get married (and I will get you a ring asap) if there is such a conversation and he does want to get married?

inlectorecumbit · 22/02/2015 18:12

what stands out to me like a huge red flag is

He said that his earnings were being split 50/50 between something I wanted to do for the future (the holiday or engagement) and something he wanted (the car)
so basically he is saying it's you that wants to get engaged-he would rather have a car Hmm

Lweji · 22/02/2015 18:14

And doesn't he have enough savings to buy a half decent engagement ring? (I couldn't envision a future with a non saver)
Or do you want one for 1000s£? If so, why?

Twitterqueen · 22/02/2015 18:15

OP you are not listening (or rather, understanding).
You have jointly agreed a timeframe for when HE will propose to you.
So you have agreed to wait until such time as HE decides HE will appease your wish. Or HE WILL DECIDE that actually, maybe, HE's not quite ready after all and that HE will then justify why HE cannot actually do what you'd agreed to..

Wake up girl.

BifsWif · 22/02/2015 18:29

You're kidding yourself if you think this man wants to marry you. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you need to open your eyes.

He could have bought a cheaper car and proposed to you with the big expensive ring you want - he didn't.

If he wanted to get engaged to you, knowing how much you want to get married, come hell or high water he would have found a way to have afforded a ring and done it by now.

You sound quite materialistic if I'm honest - is the big diamond ring that important that you would rather postpone getting engaged than have something less expensive? You have given him an excuse by saying you want the big proposal/big diamond/lavish wedding and he is clinging to that excuse every single time you mention getting engaged.

If getting engaged was what he wanted then he would have proposed - he knows full well you'll say yes so what's stopping him?
He may well say all the right things but it's actions and words.

How long are you going to sit waiting for? Don't you think you deserve better?

nooka · 22/02/2015 18:31

I find these sorts of threads a bit bizarre. You have a committed relationship and you have apparently decided to get married. In my mind that means you are engaged. I really don't get this extra stage of deciding that he will propose at some point in the future, then being engaged and then at some later point getting married. It seems long and drawn out and fraught with difficulties. All the power/responsibility sits with the man and that to me looks very unhealthy, and not a sign of a really good relationship.

If you love each other (not mentioned so far by OP!) and you want to spend the rest of your lives together then make the decision about marriage together, and then plan and move forward together.

Original poster
pintsizedblondie · 22/02/2015 18:35

I do love him, I may not have mentioned it but I assumed it was implied considering I was discussing engagements and marriage. I wouldn't have been with him for 6 years, moved away from my home town and into a home with him if I didn't love him.

OP posts:
Chilliplantbox · 22/02/2015 18:38

Well if you're happy in the relationship, and he's happy in the relationship, and you're both committed to each other...what's the point in getting so worked up about a proposal, about a ring, about a ceremony?

I might be missing something here as I've never been that arsed about weddings, but it all seems like a huge fuss over something quite pointless TBH. Just have a party and be done with it if he won't propose! Or I dunno, ask him if he would rather do the latter than be traditionalist!

Original poster
pintsizedblondie · 22/02/2015 18:44

No, I agree chilliplantbox, I should learn to get less het up about things.

OP posts:
CitySnicker · 22/02/2015 18:56

I'm wondering if he doesn't mind about marriage, the wedding etc but him having to save up for the ring and the wedding you want that's part of the bother (or the excuse). Maybe the comment about the car was he wants a good car....but YOU want a costly wedding.

niceandwarm · 22/02/2015 19:01

I don't understand all this planning to propose.

Original poster
pintsizedblondie · 22/02/2015 19:28

I'm not sure where it has come from that I want a costly wedding or it has just been implied or insinuated since I have said he needs to save up for a ring. When and if we do get married we have discussed going abroad and just taking close friends and family to keep the costs down.

OP posts: