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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone else living with a drug user?

119 replies

magicgirl79 · 20/02/2015 17:16

From my past posts you will know my H is a cannabis user, not just the occasional smoker but everyday, regularly.

I do not and have no interest in drugs but I have noticed now this is bothering me more and more.

He can be moody and sulky in between the high stages and just want to see if there is anyone else in this situation and how it effects their everyday life. Or if this situation has caused you to split?

OP posts:
deste · 20/02/2015 17:25

By asking, you are definitely not happy with the situation. Does he hold down a job, how does he pay for his drug use or is it money you could use to make your life better? I think your life sounds exhausting, I also think you sound like an intelligent person who could do so much better. I hope there are no children. Don't waste your life wondering what is coming next.

Branleuse · 20/02/2015 17:27

If you dont like him, then you are not obliged to stay in a relationship with him

ThatBloodyWoman · 20/02/2015 17:31
Shock This is mn,I don't think you'll get many confessions... But given the high numbers of drug users in the uk,there are plenty of people for whom your situation is the norm. All I can advise is,if you don't already have children with him,don't -and judge what you think you should do by what you want,and not what you might see as the norm amongst his mates.
Original poster
magicgirl79 · 20/02/2015 17:33

He has started working part time, before that I supported the family in all things. We have 1 child.

I know a lot of people see cannabis as a soft drug, but the difficulty comes in the in between smoking, when the sulks etc happen. Also when he is high it can be non stop yapping about rubbish, it seems to be really driving me nuts!!

OP posts:
ThatBloodyWoman · 20/02/2015 17:34

I assume you've told him how you feel,and I assume he doesn't see the issue?

RandomNPC · 20/02/2015 17:35

Only you know if it's a deal breaker. I couldn't put up with it.

Mylifepart2 · 20/02/2015 17:40

Hi magic - I dont know how the highs and lows of cannabis impact on your relationship - but it is an addiction and will have the same basic patterns as any other addictive substance.

My experience is with STBXH and alcohol - so you may be able to substitute cannabis for alcohol in my story. My time at Al-anon taught me that the definition of an alcoholic or "problem drinker" (many people cant cope with the alcoholic label) is that if your consumption affects your relationships with those around you - you have problem and are an alcoholic or "problem drinker". I knew what he was but he denied it. In my case he cut out S-Th when he couldnt cope at work but was totally pissed Fri & Sat nights and the hungover all day sat and sun which was worse in many ways.

I was v v lonely in the marriage - I was unhappy as I was ignored and was not emotionally connected as he was emotionally connected with himself and drink. I was also ashamed of him being either pissed or moody from being hangover in front of others. I begged and pleaded that he sort himself out for our 4 children - for years and years (20 actually)...I tried for too long and too hard. We separated 6 weeks ago - I am left exasperated, frustrated and exhausted.

How do you feel by his smoking? Does he know? Does he care? Always look at actions not words from him. My mistake was not giving a clear consequence that if he hadnt given up by x I would leave (this is the only consequence we have).

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 20/02/2015 17:45

I half heartingly said maybe he should stop smoking altogether to see what kind of reaction I would get, he said no way that wold happen as he enjoys it. When he isn't smoking he can be not nice anyway! But that could be as he is with drawing.

He has always smoked in the time I have known him, so partly my own fault, but I have grown up and onwards and now it gets to me.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/02/2015 17:48

I think I remember other posts from you. This is a personal decision - it can't be anything else. However, this bizarre idea that because you knew he was a pothead when you met him means you have no choice but to stay with him and endure the bad behaviour and the shitty moods is just that.... bizarre. If you've got anyone around you wittering 'you made your bed, you lie in it' in your ear, I suggest you tell them to get lost.

ThatBloodyWoman · 20/02/2015 18:07

I'm assuming your dc is young.
How will you feel when there's more awareness of what he's doing?

How will you feel if you're caught in a drugs raid?

Would you like a bigger family?

How much help would he be in a crisis or emergency?

How much is it costing for crying out loud?

Mylifepart2 · 20/02/2015 18:17

It does nt really matter if the child knows what is happening or not when they are older re drugs/alcohol/abuse etc

-- what does matter is the environment that the child is experiencing 24/7 right now - this is what will shape & damage them...ie one "moody and sulky" the other sad, lonely, resentful, miserable.

tipsytrifle · 20/02/2015 18:39

magic - what the last 3 posters said is utterly crucial.

RiojaHaze · 20/02/2015 18:47

Magic, I'm unhappily with a heavy daily weed smoker.

He's convinced that it's a wonder drug - cures cancers etc and that it has no effect on him but it really does.
It's made him antisocial, paranoid, his mood swings are immense. He will literally go from being angry with me to happy in seconds so I feel constantly on eggshells.

He holds a fulltime job down but works for his parents so gets away with not starting til late, which he has to as his smoking late means he doesn't get to sleep until around 2/3am. I hate to think of the money he spends on it, and he says that it's his only pleasure in life and that's it's a non-issue.

When people say it's not addictive and it's safe, I'm unable to agree with them. I have friends who have had DPs with heroin and cocaine problems but these are accepted as "real" problems whereas weed is not seen like this.

Iflyaway · 20/02/2015 18:59

The world is changing all the time and many countries/US states are decriminalising the use of marijuana/cannabis. (Personally, I welcome that).

But that is neither here nor there.

The question is how do you deal with a partner like this? You can choose to stay and keep the status quo, or you can leave. Up to you.

What is it that is keeping you tied to this man? Fear of being alone? That is no excuse. You have the power to decide what you want out of your life.

Personally, I smoke to relax in the evenings. It doesn't stop me taking responsibility for my life (I am a single mum). I work, travel, take care of DC, the house and extended family,and can organise anything that needs doing.

There's plenty of people, professionals even [gosh!] who function day to day while relaxing in their free time with a joint

I am NOT talking about the use of skunk!

I often see the use of cannabis in a relationship used as smoke and mirrors to hide other/different/deeper problems.

The bottom line in any relationship is "You do this, can I live with it"?

If not, move on and live your own life.

MrsDiesel · 20/02/2015 19:12

My ex boyfriend have is a daily pot user.

I would never ever get involved with a cannabis smoker again. The moods, the laziness, the waste of money, the god awful smell! The fact that weed comes before anything else. He would pay his drug debt before he paid his maintenance to his ex.

Only you know what your relationship is like but for me it was a deal breaker.

You cant change his behaviour, he will probably never quit unless it comes from him. If you try to push him into it he will just get sneaky. What you need to do is decide if you can live with your situation. The only thing that will change is if you walk away.

My ex has become so paranoid since we split. He seems to enjoy spending entire evenings accusing me if having people round and texting me over and over.

ThatBloodyWoman · 20/02/2015 19:13

Are we talking solids (resin) or skunk,op?

Wackadoodle · 20/02/2015 20:13

Rijoca -

When people say it's not addictive and it's safe, I'm unable to agree with them.

Neither what you've said nor the OP justify considering the drug addictive. Your partners haven't tried to give up and been unable to get out of its grip; they have simply decided there is no reason to give up because everything's fine (as they see it). The fact that YOU think they should try and give up doesn't mean they're addicted. There's a difference between being addicted to something, and simply making unwise decisions about your choice of pleasure that have negative consequences.

As for whether it's safe, it clearly isn't when smoked in the kinds of everyday quantities you're describing.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 20/02/2015 20:14

We are talking resin. I just don't want my child (8) to think it is ok to take drugs, I do not and have never tried.

It is each to their own but this directly effects me, im not fussed about others users.

My H has actually smoked with his older adult children when they were 18 -19. This is something I would never dream of for our child, she has picked up sometimes he is angry as has her little play friend. He wasn't actually angry, he just talks very different when he isn't stoned.

OP posts:
Aloneandnowwhat · 20/02/2015 20:57

My ex smoked skunk regularly, he would steal money from me and our children's money boxes to buy it.
When he didn't have it he was moody, aggressive and impossible to live with.
I do not take drugs. I told him to leave a year ago, lots of other reasons too, and avent looked back since. I no longer have to tolerate the drug use, having no money, the shame of being with a drug user of that extent. He will never give it up, he relies on it to be calm and normal.
I don't know if that's any help telly, just my experience.

Aloneandnowwhat · 20/02/2015 20:57

Help really!

Klimtomaniac · 20/02/2015 21:08

I've lived with a cannabis smoker for 20 years. He's probably underachieved in his working life slightly but has worked consistently and does pretty well. I know he's capable of more though.
We have had our ups and downs but on the whole we are happy.
He has no problem with smoking, I have some issues with it, but I ultimately decided I wanted him more than I wanted him to stop smoking.
It's not a perfect compromise, but after all this time we have worked out how to respect each other's wishes enough to be ok.
You have to decide what your limits are and stick by that. Otherwise you will drive yourself crazy!

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 20/02/2015 21:10

Aloneandnowwhat ~ Yes he is very moody, etc, we cant go on holiday etc as I cant take the moods, it makes me a nervous wreck really!!

He would never steal etc as I know he has gone without and its unbearable, really unbearable.

I have come to realise this is all I know of him, im delusional, I don't know him straight, I feel terrible I have let this happen as our child adores him x

OP posts:
Original poster
magicgirl79 · 20/02/2015 21:40

Thank you to all who have replied, I just need to be reassured I am not over reacting which some would say I am. I know some may think Cannabis is not serious but I think that depends on the usage.

Right now my H is as high as anything, we are child free so there is no real enjoyment at all, he is driving me mad! He is speaking about how good he is drug free for his days at work, I hate feeling bad for him, but I think I deserve a lot more, but terrified to make that move.

OP posts:
Auburnsparkle · 20/02/2015 21:55

No you aren't over reacting. You don't need a reason to end the relationship you know. If his moods make you a nervous wreck why stay with him?

NeedABumChange · 20/02/2015 22:02

I would rather be with someone spending every weekend off their head on coke than an everyday cannabis user. Get out and find someone who doesn't need chemicals to get through a day of family life!

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