Anyone else living with a drug user?

[magicgirl79]

From my past posts you will know my H is a cannabis user, not just the occasional smoker but everyday, regularly.

I do not and have no interest in drugs but I have noticed now this is bothering me more and more.

He can be moody and sulky in between the high stages and just want to see if there is anyone else in this situation and how it effects their everyday life. Or if this situation has caused you to split?

Its just in a lot of ways he seems ok, he isn't violent, a drinker or he doesn't go out to bars etc, compared to some things I read he is ok.

Its hard, I already know the answer, its making the move to do it. We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore.

I guess when the realisation its you, its very hard to take in.

he has bad moods which mean you can't go on holiday - and you think that is ok? That alone is bad enough without any drug use isn't it?

magic hugs, I know you have posted a few times about this... surely that's a sign you've reached your limit. I think you want to leave but you're just scared to make the move. Does he provide childcare for your DD?

Its just in a lot of ways he seems ok, he isn't violent, a drinker or he doesn't go out to bars etc, compared to some things I read he is ok.

Yeah, and compared to Dr Shipman, Fred West wasnt that bad.

Just because he doesnt drink or hit you or shag other women doesnt mean that he is a good husband!

I wouldnt bother with "Its me or the drugs" because you know what he will choose. Get your self sorted financially etc and get rid. He wont change, so you have to.

As I said about my STBXH up thread -- living with an addict is emotionally lonely - as you connecting either with Mr Up or Mr Down - neither is real.

I would think the school would know your child lives in a drug takers home because the teacher will have smelled it on their clothes. Your child will have been flagged up. If he has older children I take it he has been smoking it for a long time. Does he have a pony tail?, just being nosy.

Does he have a pony tail

Eh?

Do you and you DD get any emotional nurturing from this man?

Magic, I'm sorry to read what's happening and I know that this will be a horrific time for you. I hope things sort themselves for the benefit of you and your wee one.

I can't add much other than the fact that it may have more of an impact on your child than you may realise, the play friend may go home and speak about the smell of what he smokes and how he sounds angry. It may get mentioned at school, to other parents, and before you know it a warrant is issued and cops come crashing through your door on a Sunday morning, anyone who smokes all day everyday must have a pretty big stash and don't think for one minute that someone who would have to buy in the quantity he does, has not been on the police/surveillance radar. It's just a matter of time (he will buy bigger amounts to get it cheaper) Your H does not care what effect his actions may have on the family. X

Paula makes a good point.

My (now ex for other reasons) friend went through a year of getting off her head on anything going. Her car was seen at known dealers houses so often that she was stopped and searched. As it happened, the time she was stopped the dealer hadnt had any weed so she got away with it, but it was made clear to her that she was known and her reg number had been logged. It wasnt enough to make her stop, SS getting involved because she had a small child did that, but it made it clear that she wasnt going "under the radar" for a bit of weed as she had thought.

So yes, he will have been clocked if his dealers are known, and if he smokes in the house or even cuddles the kids before they go to school then chances are someone will have smelled it on them.

Hi magic.
This will probably out me to anyone who knows me in rl but I would like to give you a vision of your future...

I could have written your post a year or two ago(in fact, I think I did, maybe under a different name).

Fast forward to now: my oldest dc had self esteem issues - definitely to do with dp freaking out at him The day after the night before; I have had to go through the humiliation of the police and social workers knowing I have been bringing up my DCs in a house where drugs are consumed; dp was severely injured in an accident which would almost certainly not have happened had he not been stoned out of his mind; dp has been physically violent towards me when I threw out his weed; I could go on.

We are separated now and it is easier than I ever imagined. I have do much more energy than before. My kids are visibly happier and better behaved. The atmosphere in our house is wonderful compared to before. I am not embarrassed to have people round as the house doesn't stink! I don't have to keep the kids out of the lounge where dp is asleep surrounded by munchy wrappers.
I just wish I'd been sensible, strong and determined enough to realise years ago that the drugs will always come first and dealt with it then, rather than waiting, hoping for him to change.
Pm me anytime.
Hugs xx

As if cannabis is any kind of cure for anything when smoked anyway Rioja! Smoking is very bad for health, does he need reminding of that?! And the inhalation of cannabis smoke is included in that, especially the deep inhalation of it which is usual.

"He has started working part time, before that I supported the family in all things. We have 1 child."

That's good of him, to not be parasiting off you completely any longer. (sarcasm emoticon here)

He's an arsehole. A lazy, disrespectful, stoned arsehole. Anyone with an ounce of self-respect would not expect to be supported by the mother of his child.

It won't be long until your child is fully aware of what his father is up to. Be in no doubt whatsoever that people outside of your home are aware of it, too. Parents. Teachers. SS. The police. Your child's hair and clothes very likely REEK of weed and yours as well.

Im probably being really naïve her but with this being the only experience I have of drugs will people really be able to smell the hash smell from us? He doesn't smoke in front of us but of course I know the smell will linger?

I thought weed smells completely different?

You can smell the stuff from feet away, magicgirl.

My ExH smoked, it was occasional and didn't really bother me. The end of our relationship was his alcohol abuse and through time moving onto harder drugs. The straw that broke the camels back was finding speed in our freezer.

You are obviously not ok with it. Understandably so. I think you need to give him an ultimatum. It's hard living with any kind of addict but it will never get better unless he makes the choice to stop.

If you don't want your child to be brought up in a home where drugs are used on a habitual basis, then don't share a home with an habitual drug user

It stinks

There were some people who rented a house just up the road and they stank of it, it got so bad you could smell it outside the house. They were reported to the police because someone thought they must have been growing the stuff, they werent, just smoking.

So yes, there is a very good chance that you both smell of it too especially if its skunk, that stuff stinks to high heaven.

Bear in mind too that if you do come to the attentions of SS, they will investigate you too and will probably assume you smoke it too until you can prove you dont (hair strand testing probably).

I left a boyfriend for his use of weed. This was way back when the only thing available was grass/resin. I adored him but he would always choose cannabis over me and we were close. I had a good look at the future though and I left. I met him recently when out with my DH. I had not seen him for 25 years and spoke to him briefly and my vision of the future with him was correct. He has not one thing to show for his life although he has worked full time. He looks terrible too, like an old man. I wanted more for myself. I was brought up dirt poor and wanted to try and achieve something for myself. He had no interest in achieving anything beyond his next joint and yet he had so much potential. He had a terrible upbringing though and I suspect that was part of his addiction.

Our post lady smokes weed and is always moaning about being in rented and no prospect of ever being able to buy a house. In the next conversation she will tell me about the amount she and her husband spend on blow and does not see the irony of her own life.

Leave if you are not comfortable with the vision of your own future but please don't leave your DD with him unsupervised.

I too left because of my ex's smoking habit, although he was increasingly smoking skunk (bred by a friend of his, and really, horribly strong). In our case the weed worsened his already aggressive personality and I couldn't stand the highs and lows any more.

We didn't have children together, though he had DC from a previous relationship, and they too bore the brunt of his moodswings.

Do you finance his habit too? You must do in part, if he only works part time.

I would never, ever date a weed smoker ever again. It's an instant dealbreaker.

Magic -- taking the step to leave is hard.

One quote on another thread recently was that it is like inching along a diving board and one day (dont know why, dont know when) you will jump.

You are staying where you are due to FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) which is a trap and not a valid reason for anything.

Do some practical, theoretical, research to see what is possible if you separate. Do you own or rent? Look at properties online. Look at your finances - build in child tax credits, child benefit, maintenance, reduction in council tax etc.

Do some day dreaming - what would it be like to live with only your DD -- not walking on egg shells, going on holiday, giving her more positive input as you have more to give as you are not distracted and drained by his nonsense.

You dont have to justify your aversion to his habit to anyone if your social circle think it is OK. Just say you are moving on. You dont need anyones approval to separate - you dont need to quantify his use to reach a threshold that is unacceptable to others.....it is what it does to you and your DD that is important.

As PP said - look ahead - you DD will be impacted by his unreasonable mood swings and emotional detachment - she will be at risk of teenage issues.

She deserves better than this even if you think that you dont.

We own and I can go it alone as I have been supporting the family for the last 10 or so yrs, I am very independent and do not rely on anyone.

I haven't funded the habit, he has always found money for it but of course this money could have been contributed to the family, so in retrospect I have.

Its crazy that I have buried my head in the sand for so long and I have to get this sorted out.

It is good that you are financially independent - your head is out of the sand now so well done. Take stock and decide how you want the next few years to be. Be strong - be brave.

My ex was a regular cannibis user and often left us skint to fund it.
Ultimately it was the constant paranoia and inane ramblings at 3am that did it for me.
As others have said only you can decide if its a deal breaker