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Original poster

Was my hairdresser right about my cheating XH?

98 replies

Shitmyhairdressersays · 18/02/2015 19:27

I don't know if this should be in Chat or in here so please feel free to move it if it's in the wrong place.
I have nc for this, just wanted to get some clarification on something that's bothering me.
My XH and I were together 10 years and had 2 DC. For the duration of my pregnancy with my second DC (one that he didn't want until she was born) he was cheating with OW (although he says it didn't start until after DD was born) and was vile to me throughout. DD was conceived after a MC which devastated me at the time (I mention this because it is relevant to my question). I was absolutely floored by his eventual confession and after a couple of attempts to try and patch up our marriage where I did the 'pick me' dance and changed everything about myself in a bid to 'win' this prize of a H, I finally wised up and kicked the fucker out.
He is now married to OW and I am happily remarried and XH and I have are civil because of the DC.
I was recommended this new hairdresser by a friend of mine so went to have my hair cut and on my second visit was discussing my recent wedding and the fact that I had been married before. He (hairdresser) asked me what happened to end my previous marriage and I told him the story.
At this point he looked somewhat shocked and I expected him to say the usual stuff about how it was my XH loss etc but instead he said:
"Well you mustn't have been giving him any sex if he cheated. A man will not cheat if he's getting any at home"
I nearly spat my coffee out and instantly felt angry and told him that in my opinion that made it sound like he thought the blame and responsibility for my XH cheating was all my fault. He said it was.
I was livid and never went back to that hairdresser but recently I've been pondering hairdressers words and it still pisses me off.
You see, we weren't having sex because I'd had a MC before being pg with DD and was terrified of having another MC and XH was being vile all through pg.
I need to stress this: I would never want XH back and look back at being married to him now as if it happened to someone else. Everything worked out wonderfully for me and I love my DH so much.
But that hairdressers words are still rankling so I'm asking you lot.
So was it my fault XH cheated?

OP posts:
whatlifestylechoice · 18/02/2015 19:30

Og course not. Hairdresser was an arsehole.

CountingThePennies · 18/02/2015 19:33

What???

Believe me someone will still cheat even if they are getting sex 3 times a week

DoctorDonnaNoble · 18/02/2015 19:33

No. It wasn't. It is possible for men to control themselves.
I'm currently 9+6 after having a MMC in Dec 2013. Me and DH have only DTD once this year. He misses it, I miss it, but my boobs have been so sensitive it just hasn't been possible! He understands. Although he does take the mick out of some of my symptoms!

Brandysnapper · 18/02/2015 19:33

So no man (or woman) getting sex at home has ever fancies having it with someone else?
How does this hairdresser keep clients? Shock

ratsintheattic · 18/02/2015 19:33

Not your fault. Hairdresser is plainly weird.

YouKnowNothinJonSnow · 18/02/2015 19:34

Hairdresser sounds like one of those vile entitled twats whose probably justifying his own behaviour.

MsHighwater · 18/02/2015 19:35

I hope you told the friend who recommended the hairdresser. What a prat (hairdresser).

JennyOnTheBlocks · 18/02/2015 19:35

HD was/is wrong

and a twat

Crikeyblimey · 18/02/2015 19:36

I concur - arsehole hairdresser who should not have made such a comment. I'd never go back there and I'd tell them why.

ToYouToMe · 18/02/2015 19:38

No it wasn't your fault. Period. But not IMHO entirely your XH's fault either.

Men should be able to control their instincts. But many can't. Men have a primal drive to have sex which can be difficult - sometimes impossible - to manage.

When they can't for whatever reason have sex with a partner their thoughts move to other options. For some, porn and masturbation suffice. For others, it's not enough.

Your XH may have been a lying, cheating bastard by nature. Or it may be that circumstances led him astray.

penny13610 · 18/02/2015 19:38

I do hope he was better at cutting hair than he was at small talk.

DexH and hairdresser both both deserve to be filed in the total wanker drawer.

Did you provide a willing woman and hold a gun to DexH's head whilst screaming 'Fuck her or I'll shoot'? If not, relax, it is NOT your fault.

Original poster
Shitmyhairdressersays · 18/02/2015 19:38

Thank you for your replies. Honestly they mean a lot, I've been ruminating on this for ages and needed to get this out.
I should say that this hairdresser was from a country that hold pretty much 'traditional' views where women are concerned and that may have a bearing on his view (doesn't make it correct though)
At the time I was outraged because the usual hairdresser 'rules' (where they are on your 'side' with everything you say Grin) didn't seem to apply and shocked at what he said. I'm glad none of you have said it was my fault, I was starting to doubt myself. Must keep working on my self esteem.

Doctor Congratulations on your pg!! Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Shitmyhairdressersays · 18/02/2015 19:40

MsHighwater no it's a bit awkward because they are really good friends and she thinks the world of him Shock

OP posts:
ToYouToMe · 18/02/2015 19:47

Meant to add that it was outrageous your hairdresser saying that - completely out of order.

FabULouse · 18/02/2015 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bluepants · 18/02/2015 19:50

Fucking hell - deranged hairdresser.

My h cheated. He began refusing sex with me because he wanted to only have sex with the OW.

Do not for a minute think the hairdresser is right.

Smallcogbigwheel · 18/02/2015 19:52

What a pile of shite!

And hugely disrespectful to decent men.

As for 'toyoutome's comment, even bigger pile of shite, and honestly more than a bit victim blaming.

You ex cheated because he wanted to cheat.

Bluepants · 18/02/2015 19:56

toyoutome

Honestly if a man can't control himself when his partner is unwell then that man actually has an illness himself. That sort of man probably does exist but it is very far from normal to be like that and frankly if a man is so out of control that he physically has to cheat on an unwell wife, the man needs medication.

WestEast · 18/02/2015 19:57

What a crock of shit.

You were going through what must be a fucking horrible emotional trauma and your ExH shagged someone else. He's the one that fucked up. Not you. God, I'm angry on your behalf.

ModreB · 18/02/2015 20:01

I don't post very much.

But, WTAF so, it's your responsibility that your exH cheated because he wasn't getting enough nookie and chose to dip his dick elsewhere.

So, by extension, it's your responsibility that he didn't get a promotion, because he chose to have a McDonalds instead of an interview. And a nice meal.

It's your responsibility that he had a jumper, instead of a cardigan when he was cold.

It's your responsibility that you lost a child, and sorry, he couldn't immediately give you another one by spontaneous conception. Because you were ill and couldn't have sex to conceive another. Because it would make you more ill.

Sorry, but get rid of the hairdresser and I would rather have my hair cut with a chainsaw than go back to him.

flora717 · 18/02/2015 20:02

Hmm This hairdresser should shut the fuck up? All this person is doing is airing their (lack of) understanding of relationships "men need sex women / wives should give it" And they clearly suffer from an impression that everyone shares their view (and ought to hear it).
Any cheater using this (bullshit) excuse needs to be asked whether they discussed their sexual frustration (you know, like an adult) and what on earth they did when single.

Original poster
Shitmyhairdressersays · 18/02/2015 20:04

Toyoume So what you're saying in your first post really is in your opinion it was my fault. Hmm

I bitterly wish I'd had MN at the time, things would have been so different and I would never have tried to make things work with him. I learned so much on this site but still clearly have some self esteem issues (hence the doubt)
I wouldn't change a thing for the record, I was terrified of losing my DD and couldn't face the thought of sex with a man who was being a cunt to me at the time (and I didn't even know he was cheating then)

You ex cheated because he wanted to cheat.

See this is what I think but I've been wobbling in doubt lately because of what hairdresser said.

OP posts:
HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 18/02/2015 20:06

If i was a man i would be deeply offended by the view i was a lustful savage beast unable to control my animalistic urge to rut.
People make choices.
To plunge ball deep into someone other than your partner is a choice.
We are responsible for and in control of our choices.

No prizes for guessing what the hairdresser gets up to.

Holy self justification batman...

TheDetective · 18/02/2015 20:08

My dickhead husband cheated on me. He was getting extremely regular sex. In fact our sex life had never been that good. We were trying for a baby at the time too.

So no. Men who are getting sex from their partners STILL cheat on their other halves. Because they are cunts.

And so is that hairdresser.

WestEast · 18/02/2015 20:12

Your ex was a fucking idiot.
Your hairdresser is a fucking idiot.

You are not.

I'm going to need a swear jar at this rate!

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