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Original poster

Was my hairdresser right about my cheating XH?

98 replies

Shitmyhairdressersays · 18/02/2015 19:27

I don't know if this should be in Chat or in here so please feel free to move it if it's in the wrong place.
I have nc for this, just wanted to get some clarification on something that's bothering me.
My XH and I were together 10 years and had 2 DC. For the duration of my pregnancy with my second DC (one that he didn't want until she was born) he was cheating with OW (although he says it didn't start until after DD was born) and was vile to me throughout. DD was conceived after a MC which devastated me at the time (I mention this because it is relevant to my question). I was absolutely floored by his eventual confession and after a couple of attempts to try and patch up our marriage where I did the 'pick me' dance and changed everything about myself in a bid to 'win' this prize of a H, I finally wised up and kicked the fucker out.
He is now married to OW and I am happily remarried and XH and I have are civil because of the DC.
I was recommended this new hairdresser by a friend of mine so went to have my hair cut and on my second visit was discussing my recent wedding and the fact that I had been married before. He (hairdresser) asked me what happened to end my previous marriage and I told him the story.
At this point he looked somewhat shocked and I expected him to say the usual stuff about how it was my XH loss etc but instead he said:
"Well you mustn't have been giving him any sex if he cheated. A man will not cheat if he's getting any at home"
I nearly spat my coffee out and instantly felt angry and told him that in my opinion that made it sound like he thought the blame and responsibility for my XH cheating was all my fault. He said it was.
I was livid and never went back to that hairdresser but recently I've been pondering hairdressers words and it still pisses me off.
You see, we weren't having sex because I'd had a MC before being pg with DD and was terrified of having another MC and XH was being vile all through pg.
I need to stress this: I would never want XH back and look back at being married to him now as if it happened to someone else. Everything worked out wonderfully for me and I love my DH so much.
But that hairdressers words are still rankling so I'm asking you lot.
So was it my fault XH cheated?

OP posts:

BerylStreep · 18/02/2015 22:07

TheDetective

Tobyjugg · 18/02/2015 22:22

Well you mustn't have been giving him any sex if he cheated. A man will not cheat if he's getting any at home

Yeah, I believe that. Like I believe the world's flat, Torquay Utd will get into the Champions league and Wolf Hall has a happy ending.

I only hope this hairdresser is as good at hairdressing as they are at spouting bullshit.

GallicIsCharlie · 18/02/2015 22:34

We're given that much illusion of free will. - Human development summed up in one sentence I like it.

Blimey, Detective! I agree, the defining factor among cheats is self-centredness. When it came down to it, the only thing I really had in common with either of my darling ex-husbands was that I loved them ... and so did they.

TheDetective · 18/02/2015 22:37

Tell me about it... I'm 15 weeks down the line now.

And he's still a cunt.

And always will be it seems.

Not sure how he even holds his head up walking down the street.

Anniegetyourgun · 18/02/2015 22:41

The neocortex developed only recently (200,000 years ago)

So if only the OP had had the sense to marry a man who was less than 200,000 years old he might have had one. Never mind, you'll be better informed next time eh?

Mom2K · 18/02/2015 22:52

I'd have called the manager of the salon and made sure he was aware of how his employee way overstepped the mark.

Of course that's not true! People cheat because they're selfish pricks. Whatever they say about it is just an excuse.

And hypothetically speaking...lets say that there wasn't enough sex in the marriage. The dumbass should have been a real man and had a conversation with you, and the two of you could attempt to work it out where both people are having their needs met. You don't run off and stick your dick into someone else. His inability to be a grown up & his utter selfishness is his own fault.

Can't believe there are people with the mentality of the hairstylist. Total idiot.

Linguini · 18/02/2015 23:00

Haha I think the biology that toyoutome is confused about is actually a social conditioning whereby men are lead to believe they are entitled to sexual gratification and the female body exists solely for this purpose. The have that women have desire of their own doesn't come into it.

I suggest you add the patriarchy to your list of research subjects.

Linguini · 18/02/2015 23:03

*the fact that women

heartisaspade · 18/02/2015 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ringinginthenewyearO · 18/02/2015 23:17

At the six week check up after giving birth my gp asked my what form of contraception I'd be using going forward. I said none. he was shocked and said but you must think about it now again. I said nope, best form of contraception is no sex. I'm knackered and still in pain and have no desire at the moment to think about sex. So i'm fine, don't worry. He turned and said can i tell you, if you deprive sex from your partner he'll look else where do you want that to happen? I replied, when i was 1 month pregnant and didn't even know and he was getting plenty of it, he still decided to have a one night stand so excuse me if i decide to call the shots here and blow your theory out of the water. I reported him to the medical council. He subsequently was struck off as v inappropriate comments to other women also.
However, I have been on the receiving end since by someone who refused sex. I tried everything to initiate, Ann summers would have been proud even. Did i cheat and look elsewhere? no i didn't, can i vow i never would? no as you can never be 100% sure until in the situation, but I'd like to think i'm decent enough and it isn't my style. when the relationship did fail, I asked myself why, all the usual questions. I didn't cheat but I could see where others might. For me it was the closeness and intimacy I missed so much from him. And that's what people crave then.
Crazy to generalise. It is not just men who cheat when not getting their needs met in a relationship and needs don't just mean sex. You have to work through tough times, sex, intimacy, closeness and sometimes respect can be tested to the limit. I myself when i look back see how i have neglected areas in relationships and can excuse it by work stress/home stress/finances etc. Many reasons why people cheat and feel they can justify it! I despise cheaters and their weakness and shows a character flaw in a person in my opinion. But I can see why it can happen if a relationship has somewhat died.

mathanxiety · 18/02/2015 23:27

Hairdresser doesn't like women much, does he? He is also inappropriately nosy -- the response to the information that this was your second marriage should be 'I hope he's the right man and that you'll be very happy,' not 'What happened last time?' Or he could have chatted about your wedding, colours, cake, dress, whatever.

Spread the word as much as you can about what he said to you. That sort of attitude shouldn't go unpunished.

Some women confide in their hairdressers and might actually take this moron's advice.

Cheaters are looking to fill ego needs that can never be met.

Greenrememberedhills · 18/02/2015 23:31

Cheaters are looking to fill ego needs that can never be met.

Maths, your posts are always ace.

RandomNPC · 18/02/2015 23:40

There are a couple of posters on MN that really fucking hate men, for whatever reason. ToYouToMe is obviously the latest one. The theory that all men will stray given the opportunity is just wrong and insulting.

GoldfishCrackers · 18/02/2015 23:47

The hairdresser is unprofessional and deluded.

Do you think your ex might have started the affair whilst you were pg? It would make him even more of a bastard, which is why he might not admit it. But you said he was being a cunt and it's a common pattern for a cheater to invent conflict and distance in order to justify an affair.

Smallcogbigwheel · 18/02/2015 23:55

The last evolutionary biology paper I read proposed the 3 year itch. That women post childbirth get a 3 year itch, that the evolutionary correct thing is to have as many children as possible from different fathers. More chance that one of them will survive childhood.

What are women with children by multiple fathers called?

Funny that, ok, understandable/acceptable etc of men follow their evolutionary urge but not so much if women do…

Queenofwands · 19/02/2015 00:02

Was the hairdresser gay? I ask because my straight friends have accused me of hypothesising about things I know nothing about . I was recently reminded of the time I said women don't enjoy anal sex they just do it for their husbands ... Mumsnet has since enlightened me! A gay friend of mine is always going on that women don't understand men's needs etc. A lot of what he says makes me think he doesn't understand women.

Queenofwands · 19/02/2015 00:05

That's interesting Cog, and it would tie in with when children are walking etc. See I'm off again!

GallicIsCharlie · 19/02/2015 00:26

Well done on reporting that idiot, ringing You saved a lot of women a lot of upset.

ineedabodytransplant · 19/02/2015 12:08

I'm a bloke and have a message for ToYouToMe..
go back to your own planet. Jeez!!

For the last 15 years of our marriage my ex and I didn't have sex. Her choice, not mine. Of course, being red-blooded I thought of sex, thought of sex with others often. Still do, but as we are no more then I can do what i like (except shag soemone else's wife/partner)

But I managed to control my thoughts and my dick. It stayed firmly out of other women. Because my brain wasn't controlled by my dick I behaved as all married men should. Strange, but true

OP, that hairdresser talks utter shite.

HowardTJMoon · 19/02/2015 12:30

It's the reason men have affairs and visit prostitutes. They don't have the willpower to keep it in their pants.

You really do have a depressingly and offensively low opinion of men, don't you? Not to mention being flat-out wrong to boot.

So what's your genius, finely-crafted and evidence-backed explanation for women having affairs then?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/02/2015 12:30

There as many reasons for cheating as there are individuals. Some people will go out and look for sex with others if they are dissatisfied with sex at home but it is not a straight line cause and effect and it is by no means universal. I'm left wondering what your hairdresser's source of information is..... and also how many clients he keeps hold of if he routinely blames them if their marriage breaks up.....

Many cheated on spouses experience self blame and self doubt. There is always the nagging thought of 'was I not good enough?' when finding out. If he's hit a nerve, that's probably why. Doesn't make it accurate.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 19/02/2015 12:38

holy moley, ineedabodytransplant, hang on - are, are you saying that you aren't in fact a mindless slave to the will of the one eyed trouser snake? Say it ain't so. Can you, like, get up and go to tesco without it pulling you over to a strip club and stuff?
It's a miracle. You truly are indeed the next evolution of mankind.

Jan45 · 19/02/2015 12:55

Your ex was and probably still is a wanker, as it your hairdresser, or ex hairdresser.

And no it's not just men who cheat, they need willing females to do the cheating with them and unless they really are a clever clogs, most women know the guy is attached, you're either a shit person or you are not.

shovetheholly · 19/02/2015 12:58

I would put this story on a review site for the hairdressers in question, and let other women make up their mind whether to visit.

ineedabodytransplant · 19/02/2015 13:10

HowcanImissyou...

Sorry, it is so..

more likely devolved

I can actually go to Tesco, Asda,m&S and other places without deviating at all.

And as for mindless....I sometimes wish it wasn't so 'obvious' exactly what WAS on my mind

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