Was my hairdresser right about my cheating XH?

[Shitmyhairdressersays]

I don't know if this should be in Chat or in here so please feel free to move it if it's in the wrong place.
I have nc for this, just wanted to get some clarification on something that's bothering me.
My XH and I were together 10 years and had 2 DC. For the duration of my pregnancy with my second DC (one that he didn't want until she was born) he was cheating with OW (although he says it didn't start until after DD was born) and was vile to me throughout. DD was conceived after a MC which devastated me at the time (I mention this because it is relevant to my question). I was absolutely floored by his eventual confession and after a couple of attempts to try and patch up our marriage where I did the 'pick me' dance and changed everything about myself in a bid to 'win' this prize of a H, I finally wised up and kicked the fucker out.
He is now married to OW and I am happily remarried and XH and I have are civil because of the DC.
I was recommended this new hairdresser by a friend of mine so went to have my hair cut and on my second visit was discussing my recent wedding and the fact that I had been married before. He (hairdresser) asked me what happened to end my previous marriage and I told him the story.
At this point he looked somewhat shocked and I expected him to say the usual stuff about how it was my XH loss etc but instead he said:
"Well you mustn't have been giving him any sex if he cheated. A man will not cheat if he's getting any at home"
I nearly spat my coffee out and instantly felt angry and told him that in my opinion that made it sound like he thought the blame and responsibility for my XH cheating was all my fault. He said it was.
I was livid and never went back to that hairdresser but recently I've been pondering hairdressers words and it still pisses me off.
You see, we weren't having sex because I'd had a MC before being pg with DD and was terrified of having another MC and XH was being vile all through pg.
I need to stress this: I would never want XH back and look back at being married to him now as if it happened to someone else. Everything worked out wonderfully for me and I love my DH so much.
But that hairdressers words are still rankling so I'm asking you lot.
So was it my fault XH cheated?

Your ex cheated because he didn't respect you enough to keep his dick in his trousers. In my book, someone like that lacks any empathy, and you will have been a bit player on his stage.

Your hairdresser is a misogynistic arsehole.

Someone posted a thread earlier this week that her hairdresser would state at the start of the appointment 'I'm not in a chatty mood, I'll not be chatting today.' This hairdresser could do with taking that example.

I find it a very intrusive thing to have asked in the first place.

I'd love to be keeper of the mn swear jar.
I'd be a millionaire in six days.

@FabULouse: Do you actually believe therefore that a man is controlled by the mighty penis?

Yes. It's the reason men have affairs and visit prostitutes. They don't have the willpower to keep it in their pants.

@Shitmyhairdressersays: So what you're saying in your first post really is in your opinion it was my fault:

No. Not your fault. Absolutely not. It's the fault of evolution. Men are biologically programmed to impregnate as many women as possible. FACT.

Read evolutionary biologist Helen Fisher and others. Men are not by nature monogamous. It's hard for them to stay faithful. Some learn to manage these impulses. Many don't.

the non chatty hairdresser

I suppose there is a happy medium.

I discuss art deco antiques with my hairdresser. Never once has it verged into personal relationships or sex.

As an even more glorious extension to what the twatdresser and toyoutome said, it means a wife's primary purpose is providing a convenient fuckhole for the husband's penis. Should she fail to so provide, he'll obviously go and find another. Because that's all a marriage is about*.

I sure as hell wouldn't want a person who sees me as a fuckhole massaging my scalp!

*Most people have noticed that traditional marriage vows highlight sexual fidelity, saying nothing whatsoever about providing sex on demand. "In sickness and in health" rather suggests the partners promise to ride out the dry periods.

But we've also evolved the ability to over-ride our impulses. There's no excuse for cheating.

It's the reason men have affairs and visit prostitutes ... Men are biologically programmed to impregnate ...

There is so much misogyny (and misandry) in that post, I don't even know where to start. Plus there is NO science to support your archaic theory, only supposition. If either sex were biologically programmed to promiscuity, it would be women who have a long-term investment in the quality of sperm.

MissYou - I just put at least a fiver in your jar

I think the view that it's the wife's fault is quite common.

If someone is unhappy, there are many things they can do. They don't have to have an affair.

They could for example, just leave their current relationship cleanly and with dignity.

@DoctorDonnaNoble: we've also evolved the ability to over-ride our impulses:

No we haven't. That's the problem. The sex drive is ancient and powerful. The neocortex developed only recently (200,000 years ago) and is weak. The research and the evidence is definitive.

That's why we over-eat. Drink too much. Smoke. Take drugs. And cheat on our partners.

Welcome to neuropsychology, ToYou :) Please read some more books.

i would change hairdressers

We do those things knowingly. We make the decisions. Of course you can avoid cheating. You leave the relationship and then start the new one.

@GallicIsCharlie: 'there is NO science to support your archaic theory, only supposition. If either sex were biologically programmed to promiscuity, it would be women who have a long-term investment in the quality of sperm'

There is evidence. And experts such as Helen Fisher, one of the world's foremost Biological Anthropologists, argue that:

"Men are evolved to be promiscuous, aggressive, competitive, and not care much about whom they have sex with, so long as they can have sex. Women, on the other hand, tend naturally to be monogamous, home-loving, nurturing and picky about their sexual partners."

You might wish it was otherwise - I certainly do - but the evidence from evolutionary biology is impossible to deny.

My ex and I had fantastic sex 4 times a week. He still cheated.

You are either the kind of person who does that or not. Being cheated on has nothing to do with the injured party and everything to do with the cheater.

There's an old joke:

Q:What's the difference between a man who's faithful and one who's not?

A: Opportunity.

Sad but true. IMHO only a small proportion of philanderers get caught.

What a load of bollocks! Ffs

toyoutome you're the hairdresser right?

I'd have got up from your hairdressers then and there and walked out.

How dare he tell you it was your fault? How dare he push such ignorant, irresponsible, misery-making views?

Your husband was going to cheat with this woman no matter what. Some men cheat if they don't get laid, some men cheat because they love cheating. Some men don't get laid often and you know what, they don't cheat. It's called "integrity".

Your ex has no idea of integrity and your hairdresser can only be called Stupid.

Don't you give this fuckwit another moment's thought, love. It wasn't your fault, your ex is a shit.

(mind you, I actually can tolerate open marriages if the people involved are honest and above board - it does happen rarely. But I have no time at all for cheats, liars and people who behave like your ex, especially in yoru circumstances. If your hairdresser is to be believed, men are animals. Actually they can be a lot better than that. Tell him to go and join the Taliban).

No he's an idiot.I've none people that have been at it like Rabbits and one of them still nearly cheated.

Yet I know other couples that hardly ever have sex and neither of them are looking anywhere else.

Your hairdresser is a cock, as is your xh

No, of course it wasn't your fault he cheated! Please!

And your hairdresser is a shit. Banter @ the hairdressers is normal. No way he should be making it personal.

And YOU WERE PAYING HIM while talking this shit!

I'd look for a new one the reason I have my lovely gay hairdresser

PMSL at ToYouToMe

I seriously hope you don't have sons since you think so little of men.

Yes, men and women have sexual urges and desires, but as you said there's mastaurbation for that and no need to seek titilation from others.

Evolutionary Biology is a made-up thing, which largely seeks to justify bad behaviour by men. Do some reading on neuropsychology, it will actually explain the things you're waffling about in more detail.

There's evolutionary evidence in favour of promiscuous women but don't let that get in your way.

As a species we have evolvedseveral successful mating strategies which end up getting translating to cultural differences. It's unusual.

However, we pride ourselves on not being a slave to biological urges/being better than say, a bee, doomed to build the same hive from now until it turns into a different fucking bee.

Men and women can keep it in their bloody pants or they can be honest and fuck off if they want to put it about. We're given that much illusion of free will.

Beryl, yes my dickhead admitted he has no empathy. So I think you're right there.

He said he couldn't put himself in anyone's shoes or understand how someone must feel, unless the same had happened to him.

I can only say to this, I HOPE IT FUCKING DOES!! I hope someone does it to you and you find out on your wedding day, at 7 weeks pregnant you fucking piece of scummy shit.