Never see DP due to travel - Am I being unfair?

[feelingsadtoo]

Hi Mumsnetters. I have had some amazing advice in the past and I come here today in tears about something. Essentially, I want to know if I am being unfair.

DP and I together for 2.5 years. We live together. DP and I have talked about marriage and a family etc etc and saving for a home. Both me and DP are in late twenties and have demanding jobs. DP's job means he gets opportunity to work aborad. This has been the case throughout our relationship, however, it was usually one week at a time or two maximum.

Since last June, DP's trips have been more like a month at a time. From September to December last year, DP was away for a total of 9 weeks.

From 01.01.2015, to 13.02.15, I saw DP for 5 full days. This last weekend was the first one in a few weeks we had had together, and indeed the first time we had seen each other in a month.

I am very supportive of DP's job. Him working aborad means he saves more for our home which we plan to buy in a year or so. He also gets exposure working abroad which he seems to enjoy. i 100% do NOT want to set a rule that DP cannot work abroad. I would worry that he would resent me.

However, this morning at work, I get a message from him saying 'xxx have asked me to go abroad in March.' This will mean another month apart from my DP. I aksed what he wanted to do and he didn't give a proper answer. He messaged back saying it is bad timing, it's shit, it won't happen again for months after this one (that's been said before!!).

This time, I have got upset. MEGA upset. I have told him I can't carry on like this and that we barely have a relationship left. During the time he was away between the start ofthe year and last week, I felt SO distant from him. My mind wandered to what it would be like to be with someone where our relationship was fuller, and I had a 'full time' partner. I didn't enjoy speaking with himk when he was away as I had to stay up late/speak on my lunch etc under pressure due to the time differences etc.

When DP came back this time, at the weekend (Valentine's Day), we spoke about this, and I told him I had felt so distant and unloved and unsure about the future. He responded by saying he understood and he knew we needed to spend proper time together to maintain a relationship.

Then BAM. This moring he want sto go off again.

I am in tears and feel utterly fed up. Am I being unfair?

*this morning he suggests he may have to work aborad again in March.

You need to talk face to face, and decide what will happen if he does og.

Why is it always you that has to stay up late? What will you both do to feel connected?

No not at all. If you want a relationship with someone in the same country then you need to decide whether this is a deal breaker or not.

It isn't always me who has to stay up late. He does, too. It's just all got very tiring.

It's the fact that I don't seem him for weeks at a time on essentially a monthly basis that I am struggling to accept now. We barely have any nice memories from the last 6 months as we haven't been able to actually plan and do sthings together as a couple. We are in our late twenties and have good jobs - we should be enjoying this time otgeher but we're not :(

I think this would be a dealbreaker for me.

People have relationships all the time where they don't see each other that much due to work. It can be hard, but it has to be something both people are on board with and understand.

In your case - in your late twenties, planning to settle down - I would probably give him a deadline. He says it won't happen again for months so tell him that better be the case and that if it does, then you have had enough.

It's understandable your mind is wandering and thinking about other potential relationships. It's not a nice place to be in, but I think you are at the point where you really do need to decide if he is the man you want, or can, commit to longterm.

Only you can decide if you are prepared to be in a part time r'ship. Unless he is prepared to change his job/reduce travel for the sake of the r'ship then I can't see how this will be resolved. It will only get worse with resentment building on both sides. You are perfectly entitled to feel fed up about all of this and likewise, you are perfectly entitled to expect your DP to acknowledge your feelings if he is serious about building a future with you.
I dont think it's a case of 'Me or the job'. This needs an honest and serious discussion.
Some people can manage in r'ships like this but some can't.
I was in a similar position. I told my now DH that I couldn't live my life like that and we needed to make a decision as to what to do.

Thurlow that is what i have tried to explain to him. I have said that if we were married etc then this would be different...but at the moment I am just treading water for weeks at a time until I can re-commence our relationship. It doesn't feel fair on me because how can i decide if he is the person I am really going to marry and spend my life iwth if I never see him?

His response to that is that he is young and he should be free to explore and make selfish career moves. This is something is mum is adamant about - she thinks he is too young to settle down anyway and that it would be wasted opportunity if he didnt go away every time it was offered. (FYI she's divorced and extremely bitter, and hasn;t had a relationship for 15 years...so I struggle to see the benefit in taking her advice).

It sounds as though he's in a phase of his life where he shouldn't be in a relationship, because to succeed in his field he has to be utterly selfish.

Maybe it's time to call it a day? Would you miss him so much, when you're so used to him not being there?

Why would it be any different if you were married? You either like long periods of time on your own or you don't. I don't see how a wedding ring changes that

You've got choices.

1. You can break up
2. You can make a full life for yourself with hobbies and friends and see the relationship as a bonus until a time when you both want different
3. You can force the issue and create conflict - you may get him to prioritise the relationship over work to the detriment of his career

The bottom line is that he's chosen career over relationship at the moment. Your choice is whether to hang around giving up your best fertile years in the hope of progressing to marriage and children in the future.

I also think he's doing nothing wrong - youre both very young and this is career and not baby time for either of you.

Is it a vital part of his job that he has to travel?

In my industry, travel is expected. I could turn it down - the same as anyone - but my career would be impacted. I wouldn't get the same opportunities, and I'd almost certainly be passed up for promotion.

I'm relatively lucky that I have a wonderful team that I can outsource my travel too now, who are all keen to go. I ensure that I don't send them over important dates, as much as I can, but the "business" would remove anyone who didn't want to travel much, as they wouldn't be seen as pulling their weight. It's expected, in my industry. I'm also lucky that I don't have to go much as I'm disabled and a lot of my work is in not so female-friendly countries, so I rarely go alone. Although I do feel a bit hard done by because of this, at times!

If his industry is the same, he may not have a choice, and your options are either to find someone who doesn't need to travel, or to find a way to make it work despite the travel.

I think it would be a dealbreaker for me too

He's not being unreasonable really -- if it's good for his career and good money, then late 20s is the perfect time to do this, before you've settled down.

Some people don't mind long periods apart, there are many people here on MN who hardy ever see their husbands and are okay with that

But that doesn't mean you are wrong not to like it -- I know I wouldn't, not if I thought it would continue like this indefinitely. You telling him this is not giving him an ultimatum, you're saying what you want, it is then up to him to decide what to do, and then you have to decide what to do with his decision. If you can reach a compromise that would ideal but then you need to believe he will stick to it.

x-post... I understand why you think it would be different if you were married. Once you're married you know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, if there are a couple years where you don't see each other too much then it's a blip in a much longer life. But you are in the stage of trying to decide if you want to spend your life with him and make these kinds of sacrifices.

Plenty of people go t see it as a deal breaker (think forces households) and plenty of people do.

I think the key thing if this is a problem is to establish how long this is likely to go on for and if it is to get worse. Then make your decision based on that.

Imagine how things would be if you decide to have kids.

It reads to be that basically he's got you as a benefit

I don't mean to suggest that he doesn't love you, but looking at it from his point of view, especially when he say's that "he is young and he should be free to explore and make selfish career moves" - he's not looking at making that serious commitment yet. With a job like his, serious commitment means possibly changing the job a little or making some compromises. He doesn't sound ready to do that.

So he gets to go away, travel, explore these selfish work opportunities, and the occasions when he is back in the UK he gets a girlfriend as a perk.

I can be childishly PA sometimes and I'd be tempted to do a bit of tit for tat. Start going out more. See your friends, join a club, start a hobby. Don't call as a much. Be busy. If that bothers him that could give you an answer. Not that I imagine this is a very adult way of dealing with it

But the main thing, for me, is that there is nothing in what you want that is remotely unreasonable.

He's not being unreasonable - but you don't have to like it. If it's a dealbreaker then it's a dealbreaker, the same as anything else.

Being married - I don't understand why that would make you feel differently though. Are you thinking he's not committed and that marriage would make him feel differently? Or make you feel differently?

Because, you know, you'd still be apart. Just with a ring on your finger...

In the part of the world where I live 50,000 men and women work away from a week to four at a time on a regular basis. It can be lonely but it is possible to have a full and loving relationship and fathers can still feel fully connected and bonded with their children. You both have to put in extra effort to make it work so if you feel you or dp can't do that then it may not work for your relationship.

Agree, sensational. It has to be something you are all happy with. Resentment will break your relationship faster than almost anything else.

I'm in a relationship with a lot of travel and time apart.

I agree 100% with the pp who said it doesn't make a difference if you're married or not. Either this is a dealbreaker for you or it isn't, but being married won't change that. Personally I quite like having a bit of time to be independent. There are times where it's a LOT of travel and that's tough, but then there are also times where we're both at home a lot, and it does sort of balance. Is this recent amount of travel likely to continue, or is this a bit of an anomaly?

Also, what sort of job is it? Is travel an integral part of it? Is he going to exciting places and you're (understandably!) envious of that? Or is it just that he's away that bothers you? And also - is he earning really good money? Because if he is, something that we do is if one of us is going to be away for a lengthy period (we have a 3 week limit), then we arrange for the other to visit at some point if possible, even if it's just for a weekend. Yes, it costs, but we see it as sort of like a tax on the extra earnings. It gives you something to look forward to, lets you have a bit of time together, and it's actually a pretty great way to see bits of the world, because one of you is travelling for free.

As PP have said only you can decide what makes you happy.

If he really is "the one" then you will find a way to adapt and to live with the absences.

OH is forces and spent 4 months a yr at sea for the last 4 yrs. No contact at all.

When he wasn't at sea he was based hundreds of miles away and came home some weekends but at least we had text, phone, skype.

I have developed my life without him, I can attend social functions alone I can concentrate on my own kids (we have none together) and my career. In the evenings I only have to think about the kids needs and I can do what I want and watch what I want on TV. His career is whole is and makes him happy.

It's hard sometimes to not have him here to help with practical stuff, and it's hard not to be able to plan holidays or rely on him being here ESP when we can't speak and it's difficult to readjust when he comes home and there are issues over me doing things my way and letting him back in and then him trying to take control.

I love the romantic gesture he makes, the texts we constantly send when we can and the letters we write. The phone calls and sometimes naughty photos. I love that we male the most of all of time together face to face and I never take him for granted, when he's gone and I can't contact him fork the it's like experiencing a brief bereavement.

He recently spent two months solid at home. At points it was lovely (his company, being able to access him whenever I wanted) but he also did my head in (his washing, his need for an immaculate home, him not understanding teenagers) and I now quite like just having him home on the weekends!!!

If you want to be with him you will find a way.

Sorry for typos

Also at the beginning I hated it and I never thought I would be able to accept it.

But if you choose to you can get used to it.

I do 't want to be with anyone else.

Oh dear. Been there but with two babies and a professional job of my own. He went away on and off for about three years and didn't give a monkeys and even had a bit of a EA whilst my life was drudgery. Total selfishness. And that attitude doesn't change. He is number one and he's telling you that.
Will this always be the case?
I would consider your options and take a more self interested stance. I don't know whether marriage and children would fit in with his increasingly busy life style.
Don't listen to his words but look at his actions.
You don't want to be left in a vulnerable situation in the future.

why cant you go visit him when he is abroad? if he isnt in the forces then surely you can go see him?

I don't think there is anything wrong with relationships where one person travels a lot per se, my husband travels up to a month at a time and I do miss him, but in your situation the following things stand out- he listens to what his mother says and then repeats it back to you (how embarrassing to still be doing what your mum said in your twenties, probably got mother issues), he has told you directly he wants to prioritise his career over everything and he doesn't want to settle down (as in change his pattern of working) for you. He's also not afraid of losing you, hence the text- he knows you'll just suck it up and be a bit cross.

Not sure he's really into this, or rather you are really into him the way he actually is as opposed to the fantasy- this is who he is!

op is this your second post about this situation? It sounds familiar? He wasnt rushing back to you when he did get back?

It does seem your just an added benefit of him being in this country. On the other hand he is free to travel as much as he likes.

This relationship wouldn't be for me. What about giving him a time frame to try and prioritise your relationship? He he doesn't / then move on