Never see DP due to travel - Am I being unfair?

[feelingsadtoo]

Hi Mumsnetters. I have had some amazing advice in the past and I come here today in tears about something. Essentially, I want to know if I am being unfair.

DP and I together for 2.5 years. We live together. DP and I have talked about marriage and a family etc etc and saving for a home. Both me and DP are in late twenties and have demanding jobs. DP's job means he gets opportunity to work aborad. This has been the case throughout our relationship, however, it was usually one week at a time or two maximum.

Since last June, DP's trips have been more like a month at a time. From September to December last year, DP was away for a total of 9 weeks.

From 01.01.2015, to 13.02.15, I saw DP for 5 full days. This last weekend was the first one in a few weeks we had had together, and indeed the first time we had seen each other in a month.

I am very supportive of DP's job. Him working aborad means he saves more for our home which we plan to buy in a year or so. He also gets exposure working abroad which he seems to enjoy. i 100% do NOT want to set a rule that DP cannot work abroad. I would worry that he would resent me.

However, this morning at work, I get a message from him saying 'xxx have asked me to go abroad in March.' This will mean another month apart from my DP. I aksed what he wanted to do and he didn't give a proper answer. He messaged back saying it is bad timing, it's shit, it won't happen again for months after this one (that's been said before!!).

This time, I have got upset. MEGA upset. I have told him I can't carry on like this and that we barely have a relationship left. During the time he was away between the start ofthe year and last week, I felt SO distant from him. My mind wandered to what it would be like to be with someone where our relationship was fuller, and I had a 'full time' partner. I didn't enjoy speaking with himk when he was away as I had to stay up late/speak on my lunch etc under pressure due to the time differences etc.

When DP came back this time, at the weekend (Valentine's Day), we spoke about this, and I told him I had felt so distant and unloved and unsure about the future. He responded by saying he understood and he knew we needed to spend proper time together to maintain a relationship.

Then BAM. This moring he want sto go off again.

I am in tears and feel utterly fed up. Am I being unfair?

Time to have the conversation then about how he wants his life to be. If he's commited to his job and as much time away as they tell him and you aren't happy, then you need to say it's not working and long distance relationships aren't for you.

I live in an area with lots of forces families. I've every admiration for those that can do that but I wouldn't if I could see no end to it.

"It's not about being clingy, it's about looking out for yourself and what you want in life."

this is so true.

OP if the will isn't there on your partner's part to change things then it really is to you to make the hard decision: break-up or casual?

I think often men tend to be better at slightly manipulating relationship situations (think of wifework etc) so it works according to their schedule and their emotional needs.

Without explicitly stating it, they can be happy to be very "good partners" as long as the dynamic of the relationship is going their way.

They can also do the whole "head in the sand, why are you being a crazy person and making issues out of nothing" gaslighting stuff when challenged.

This means the onus is on women to know what they want (and I don't think anyone is "clingy" for wanting a non LDR relationship - horses for courses) and negotiate the situation accordingly.

OP in your twenties there are LOADS of men out there there really are

I agree that it might just be a case of fundamentally different wants. But I don't think that makes your DP selfish. I think your OP raises some red flags in that you're giving very limited dates to emphasise how often he's away, but not looking at it over the course of a year for example. This doesn't sound very supportive.
What do you do together when you're home? How do you support his choices? Are you sure he isn't doing this now whilst you don't have kids so that he can create a future for when you do?
I think you need a sensible conversation about how to move forward if you want to make this work

I am merely trying to conduct a healthy relationship, where I see my DP for more than 5 random days in 7 weeks.

Relationships aren't really "conducted". They're not buses or orchestras.

You are in love with a man who wants to travel a lot at the moment.

Are you really going to stamp your foot and ask him to turn down opportunities he would take otherwise, just because of how you have defined "healthy" in a relationship?

Really?

There are conversations to be had about the long term and how he sees his life developing.

But right now there is no good reason for him to pass up chances he wants to take. And someone who really loved him wouldn't want him to.

If you don't want to be with him any more, then finish it and find someone else.

But don't ask a man you have not committed to to make decisions that could have a negative impact on the rest of his life.

That's just selfish.

I think you need to have a heart to heart about what each of your priorities are...in the short and long term. Don't let this fester or wear you down. It would be too easy to find yourself, in 5 years time, in the same situation but with a child added into the mix.

I completely disagree, bathtime.

The OP wants what she wants, and there is nothing wrong with that at all. Its disingenuous at best to say that she is being selfish because the relationship is not making her happy. Everyone has a completely different concept of what is a healthy relationship for them, and there is no right or wrong. The OP would like a relationship where she gets to spend some time with her partner. She feels she doesn't get to spend enough time with him at the moment to know if she wants to be with him.

OP, time to tell him this. You don't have to make an argument out of it or blame him but just say that as much as you appreciate how important his work is, the huge amounts of time spent apart aren't working for you.

Im married and my dh works away 4 wks home 12 days its hard but its his job always has been and always will be. Been married makes no difference to how i feel when hes away. Its hard and always has been but then i couldnt imagine my life without him and thats what makes it worth it. Its something that does get easier over time but after 8yrs i still have blips wouldnt be normal otherwise

But she does get to spend some time with her partner. She's given us very limited info on his travel schedule to reinforce her thread title of him travelling ALL the time, and has told us she's supportuve without actually demonstrating any such thing.
I have to say that it's fine if this isn't working out for the OP and she needs something different. But I'm not convinced she's painting a very balanced picture. In relationships with travel both partners have to work hard to pull together and I don't think that's happening here

It would be selfish to ask her boyfriend to miss out on opportunities that will improve his life and his prospects when they aren't committed to each other for the long haul.

And everything Sunshine says.

It's fine to be unhappy and ditch a boyfriend you are no longer interested in.

It is not fine to make somebody else's life worse to keep yourself happy:

That's why his mother is concerned - she sees her ambitious, hardworking son being asked to give up stuff that is important to him because his current girlfriend wants to lay down the law about how he should live his life.

My dh has worked away the whole of our relationship, 12 years, that's his career, I knew that from day one and accepted it. I have traveled with him, lived abroad with him, not saw him for weeks at a time or had him at home for weeks at a time!

It's all been part of the adventure and I have loved it

I'm not sure for you if it is the working aboard that is the real problem or is it that you are feeling insecure in the relationship?

You have every right to decide that this lifestyle is not right for you as he has every right to decide it's what he wants. If you love each other and are committed to the relationship then it can work

BathtimeFunkster did you not read the opening post?

They live together, and are saving to buy their first house together next year. What part of that isn't commiting to each other for the long haul

My DH travels and works away a lot but if he suddenly started accepting being away months at a months at a time I'd have every right to be upset.

I disagree with people saying "it's something I could never do" you never know unless you have tried.

I met and fell in love with a guy who happened to be in the Navy - 10 yrs ago I would never have envisaged myself in this position, but I cannot imagine my life without him so therefore made sacrifices.

I think that is the crux of the issue.

how can I have an intense relationship with someone I rarely see and who I havent already made that committment to?

This part, where the OP says she hasn't madeca commitment yet.

And really, living together in a rented flat and talking about marriage and buying houses isn't actually committed, is it?

Pretty easy for either of them to back out, no harm done, if things aren't working out.

Certainly no need for either to be asking the other to make needless sacrifices at this point in proceedings.

I'm sure this is op second post on this - although I maybe utterly wrong. If I am I apologise. In her first post I think Friday, she says they were living with each other but he has moved back home to work away and save money to buy a house together, he also talks of marriage and his mother has a lot of input (not you is it Bathtime) I think she was composing because he never arranged a thing for Valentine or any other time when he comes home and goes straight to the gym and sees op the next day.

I could be utterly wrong and once again if I am I apologise - but if it is op don't waste your time time waiting about for him x

And really, living together in a rented flat and talking about marriage and buying houses isn't actually committed, is it? well yes it is. To me that's a committed relationship, no legal ties but still commited.

bath do you just have boys then?

Also there are legal ties if you have a joint lease together which could tie you together a long period of time. Hardly casual FBuddy stuff is it?

You're not really locked into anything if you're just talking about getting married one day, just saving for a house.

It's very easy to just walk away from that.

Much harder when there is an actual mortgage, a public engagement, a legal marriage, an exhausting pregnancy, a screaming baby.

They obviously love each other and see a future together, but it's very far from too late to back out if things aren't right.

And if one person telling the other not to do something they want to do, things aren't right.

Oh for god sake, well in that case I must apologise to the friends I used to houseshare with.

I had no idea that sharing a lease meant we were legally committed for life

It doesn't and I never said that. But if one person leaves the other may not be able to afford to continue to live there financially leaving a fixed term tenancy needing paying when you move in with your girlfriend its a bit different than bunking up with mates. But that's irrelevant and nothing to do with the thread. Not sure why your grinning really ..strange. What an odd way to view it.

I think marriage is a red herring. I remember when I got married, waking up the next day and I was exactly the same, my husband was exactly the same and our situation was exactly the same. Even if you are married, OP, you will still not enjoy hanging around waiting for him to come home.

I do think though that in your position without any major responsabilities, I would see how feasible it was to accompany him on his trips, it sounds like a wonderful opportunity. I say that without knowing the nature of your job, your/his finances or whether you would like the idea of travelling.

"His response to that is that he is young and he should be free to explore and make selfish career moves."

He is free to make selfish decisions. And he should be adult enough to take it on the chin if those selfish decisions he took have consequences. You "made it clear from day 1 in our relationship that I couldn't deal with intense trips away" so it's not like this is news to him.

It sounds like what you want and what he wants is diverging. His lifestyle doesn't lend itself to an equal relationship. Sorry, but - plenty more fish in the sea OP.

I do think that actions speak louder than words: he is living the life of a single man without any ties. Maybe he is just not ready to commit? But there are lots of men in their late 20s early thirties who are.

Just looking at the small sample of my own male friends from university. The ones who 'committed' fairly early on have married, had children etc. The ones who never made space/time for relationships (although straight) are celebrating their 40th birthdays without a significant relationship.

He is a single man without any ties.

Why shouldn't he behave that way?

There is nothing selfish about wanting to travel and work hard when you are in your 20s.

Nobody is being let down or harmed by his decision.

He's not leaving a wife to pick up all his slack and mind the kids alone for weeks at a time.

True, but it doesn't suit the OP. Whereas there is absolutely nothing about this arrangement that does not suit him. He gets the best of all possible worlds.

I suggest that the quickest way to find out his long term intentions would be to find a place to live on your own - not break up, just change your living arrangements.

OP talk to your partner .

It sounds like this "change" is unexpected for you both - it's not what you signed up for and maybe your partner is being a bit naive/optimistic/disingeneous in the whole "it won't happen again" thing and hoping it will all go away!

He may be open, he may not, you may not like his answer.

But the main thing is to communicate and express yourself (outside of text messaging)

(bear in mind the OP didn't sign up to this in the first place - the travel has increased from "fine for a busy professional" to "we're in a LDR".

It's not like she started dating an Army officer cadet and then started complaining about him being deployed, the nature of his job has changed from her description?)