Never see DP due to travel - Am I being unfair?

[feelingsadtoo]

Hi Mumsnetters. I have had some amazing advice in the past and I come here today in tears about something. Essentially, I want to know if I am being unfair.

DP and I together for 2.5 years. We live together. DP and I have talked about marriage and a family etc etc and saving for a home. Both me and DP are in late twenties and have demanding jobs. DP's job means he gets opportunity to work aborad. This has been the case throughout our relationship, however, it was usually one week at a time or two maximum.

Since last June, DP's trips have been more like a month at a time. From September to December last year, DP was away for a total of 9 weeks.

From 01.01.2015, to 13.02.15, I saw DP for 5 full days. This last weekend was the first one in a few weeks we had had together, and indeed the first time we had seen each other in a month.

I am very supportive of DP's job. Him working aborad means he saves more for our home which we plan to buy in a year or so. He also gets exposure working abroad which he seems to enjoy. i 100% do NOT want to set a rule that DP cannot work abroad. I would worry that he would resent me.

However, this morning at work, I get a message from him saying 'xxx have asked me to go abroad in March.' This will mean another month apart from my DP. I aksed what he wanted to do and he didn't give a proper answer. He messaged back saying it is bad timing, it's shit, it won't happen again for months after this one (that's been said before!!).

This time, I have got upset. MEGA upset. I have told him I can't carry on like this and that we barely have a relationship left. During the time he was away between the start ofthe year and last week, I felt SO distant from him. My mind wandered to what it would be like to be with someone where our relationship was fuller, and I had a 'full time' partner. I didn't enjoy speaking with himk when he was away as I had to stay up late/speak on my lunch etc under pressure due to the time differences etc.

When DP came back this time, at the weekend (Valentine's Day), we spoke about this, and I told him I had felt so distant and unloved and unsure about the future. He responded by saying he understood and he knew we needed to spend proper time together to maintain a relationship.

Then BAM. This moring he want sto go off again.

I am in tears and feel utterly fed up. Am I being unfair?

Good point about the fact that this is a change to circumstances, not the way that things have always been.

What are the external factors and how long is this likely to last?

Has his company just won a short-term contract? Or are they locked in to agreements to build the world's biggest dam?

Agree that it sounds like he wants the best of both worlds without having any consequences to himself.

He wants to be able to be selfish and feels that you should put yourself out so he can have that. You get nothing.

Is it not possible for you to go and see him every 3 weeks?
How far does he travel and is his job always going to be tied to jobs away from home.
Some careers are just like that.

I think those that equate selfishness with travelling for work have ckearly never had to travel for work!

The OP posted that her DP said "that he is young and he should be free to explore and make selfish career moves." SO he himself equates his work travel with selfishness.

That doesn't mean he's right.

If he has a girlfriend who thinks it's selfish of him to live his own life, perhaps he has accepted that false premise.

And really, living together in a rented flat and talking about marriage and buying houses isn't actually committed, is it?

I'm sure my mates in long term committed relationships who prefer to use their money to save for a deposite rather than spend on a wedding would disagree with you there, especially those who had kids.

Point is, things have changed being away isn't the issue, the frequency and time has increased and that is.

I stand by my original post. Have the chat OP. Find out how long this is likely to continue for or whether it's temporary due to lack of staff or something else that explains it.

Being married won't change this mans attitude to you. If he wants what he wants and you don't think he's prepared to discuss or has taken your feelings into account then that's not suddenly going to change because he's put a ring on it or you're lucky enough to be able yo afford to buy a house

I could handle two weeks on a rig and two weeks off because I could plan my life so that I did what I wanted to do while he's away and make lots of quality time while he was at home.

I would find OP' situation difficult because of the sheer unpredictability of it. Thinking oh wow great we have two weeks or three even together then Hes off away for two or three. Or while he's meant to be at home to suddenly find that four or five days In the middle of his off time he has to go away.

I'd struggle with that.

He would have to be very special and I would need to feel very secure In the relationship to handle that.

So he's it would be a deal breaker for me.

I think I'd try a trial separation if it were me. Neither one of you is being unreasonable in what you want, but it's incompatible. Now you need to see if it's better to keep the person but compromise the goal, or keep the vision of the future you have but find someone else who wants the same thing.

You sound like you're demanding quite a lot to me, though i have frequently been the travelling partner so I may be biased!

DP and I have also spent our late twenties/early thirties in demanding full-on careers and just accepted that until we decided to have children, our focus had to be our career. For six months, we only saw each other every second weekend; for two years I was away for 3-week trips 4 times/year, and now he's away Mon-Fri. Its tough, and it sucks being apart, and we have always spoken daily, but we both recognise we won't be able to do this when we have kids, and that its giving us advantages to our careers we wouldn't have otherwise.

And while I miss him like hell when I'm away, and work very hard, I also love getting the opportunity to be abroad and experience new places I wouldn't have expected to go. And I miss him even more when he's away (there are fewer things to distract you when you're the one at home) but I know he's thinking of me, and know its important we get the opportunity to focus on ourselves now so we can fully focus on our family when we have one.

Are you sure you aren't displacing other issues, about wanting to be married and having a larger commitment, and blaming it on this? Last June to now isn't really that long ago to be this upset if you're seriously planning a life together - six months or so of seeing him less than you'd like is unpleasant, but I would expect its something you would be able to work through with someone you plan to be with long haul.

Do you honestly believe him that its only temporary? DP and I are both aware the other wouldn't put up with being left with a baby for regular trips so there is absolutely no way we can continue like this when we start a family - I'll need a slightly different job, whch I'm ok with, and he'll need to find work closer to home and limit himself to one or two conferences a year. We're on the same page with that, and I entirely trust him that he won't assume once I'm on maternity leave I will be able to keep things going at home.

But otherwise, I find your POV quite confusing - you're in an intense relationship, you're partners, whether he's physically there or not. There shouldn't be a sense of starting or stopping: if you can't maintain a sense of connection while he's away maybe that does say somethign about the underlying strength of the relationship you need to think about. Its fairly obvious I think about this more like your boyfriend does, but ultimately I think you just need to face up that there's nothing wrong or unfair in what he wants: but if its not what you want, you have to make a decision.

I would cut my losses if I were you. You can meet someone better suited to you. Good luck.

Finally, gamora!

Yes, that's it exactly.