Never see DP due to travel - Am I being unfair?

[feelingsadtoo]

Hi Mumsnetters. I have had some amazing advice in the past and I come here today in tears about something. Essentially, I want to know if I am being unfair.

DP and I together for 2.5 years. We live together. DP and I have talked about marriage and a family etc etc and saving for a home. Both me and DP are in late twenties and have demanding jobs. DP's job means he gets opportunity to work aborad. This has been the case throughout our relationship, however, it was usually one week at a time or two maximum.

Since last June, DP's trips have been more like a month at a time. From September to December last year, DP was away for a total of 9 weeks.

From 01.01.2015, to 13.02.15, I saw DP for 5 full days. This last weekend was the first one in a few weeks we had had together, and indeed the first time we had seen each other in a month.

I am very supportive of DP's job. Him working aborad means he saves more for our home which we plan to buy in a year or so. He also gets exposure working abroad which he seems to enjoy. i 100% do NOT want to set a rule that DP cannot work abroad. I would worry that he would resent me.

However, this morning at work, I get a message from him saying 'xxx have asked me to go abroad in March.' This will mean another month apart from my DP. I aksed what he wanted to do and he didn't give a proper answer. He messaged back saying it is bad timing, it's shit, it won't happen again for months after this one (that's been said before!!).

This time, I have got upset. MEGA upset. I have told him I can't carry on like this and that we barely have a relationship left. During the time he was away between the start ofthe year and last week, I felt SO distant from him. My mind wandered to what it would be like to be with someone where our relationship was fuller, and I had a 'full time' partner. I didn't enjoy speaking with himk when he was away as I had to stay up late/speak on my lunch etc under pressure due to the time differences etc.

When DP came back this time, at the weekend (Valentine's Day), we spoke about this, and I told him I had felt so distant and unloved and unsure about the future. He responded by saying he understood and he knew we needed to spend proper time together to maintain a relationship.

Then BAM. This moring he want sto go off again.

I am in tears and feel utterly fed up. Am I being unfair?

Honestly I would split. He needs to go and do his thing and it isnt fair on you to be in limbo for weeks and months at a time. If and when he decides he wants to settle down and stay still, maybe you could start a fresh - if you want to/are available.

I travel a lot too - last year I was away for around 2 weeks every month. No kids but have pets which my DP looks after when I'm away. And then I get home jetlagged, stressed and tired so am a witch for a day or two. Then its back to planning the next trip.

My DP makes sure I get home to a clean house, a hot bubbly bath and a glass of . I then crash and sleep/watch shit TV with little interaction from him except a handhold or hug. It makes a huge difference to how I feel when I get off the plane - knowing I've been missed and he's trying to make my exhausted arrival just that bit better by giving me space and time to re-adjust without the pressure of conversation or catching up, despite not having seen me for a few weeks, he thinks of me first.
The next day we'll usually have a lovely brunch and catch up properly, go for a hike or bike ride and make sure we spend quality time together. We'll try and do dinner or takeaway every couple of weeks.

I really appreciate his support - I couldn't do my job without it (and he works FT too!), and whilst travel with work is a choice its often a stressful, frustrating and exhausting one, so he doesn't see it as me swanning off and leaving him. He concentrates his social activities whilst I'm away, and makes time for me when I'm here.

I couldn't deal with someone at home whining that they're all alone and making my life difficult when I returned. My DP respects and supports my work, and in return I make sure that we do as much 'quality' stuff together as possible when I am home. Its a good balance, and means that home is exactly where I want to be, not a place I'm trying to escape from.

sunshine I don't think that's fair on op a lot of people wouldn't put up with that- I for one. 'Whining' is such a STFU response to some one voicing their unhappiness at the situation. I woundnt want to be with someone that thought like that.

Wouldn't *

Honestly, I think that this is completely up to you OP. And by that I mean that it's about what you personally and uniquely want from life. If you can be happy filling your life with friends and activities and have a relationship that is a bit more distant, then there is absolutely nothing whatever wrong with that. I have friends who do it and are very, very happy and fulfilled.

However, if you are the kind of person who would like to come home and spend evenings domestically, then it could well be a dealbreaker.

This is not about you being different - it's about what you want as you right now. If it's to have more of a settled life together, then you should probably think whether this is really the right bloke.

But Sunshine that works for you and your OH.

It isnt working for OP.

I agree with his mother (and I'm not divorced or bitter).

He's young and has no responsibilities.

He should take every opportunity that comes his way.

When he's ready to settle down and marry, then he'll need to start thinking of how to combine this job with family life.

But he would be crazy to pass up his life chances to appease a girlfriend.

Do you love him? Don't you want him to take every chance he can get?

Would you really tell a boyfriend that you want them to pass up opportunities they want to take so they can sit at home with you?

Only you can decide what you're prepared to put up with. He obviously feels it's worth it for his career and the money made. You resent the fact that your needs are last (before his and his work).

I know exactly how you feel as I used to live with someone who worked four months out of the country and six months in it. During his away time I'd be independent but when he was back he'd be in party mode and expect me to jump to his tune. The intimacy was lost as well as it felt like being with a stranger when he was home.

Only you can decide what you want. Think about your limits and then talk to him. good luck.

If it's his only option in that job and he is perfectly happy, then you have to make the decision.....stay or go.

However, speaking as an ex military wife, I know how hard it is for wives and husbands being away, not only from each other, but also from their children and his current job doesn't suit being a hands on dad very well.

Could you sit down with him and look at possibilities for his future career? Might it be as he climbs the ladder, that travel will reduce or will it increase?
What does he want from your relationship? How does he feel children would cope with a travelling father etc?

You need to discuss every possible outcome and option with I'm before you choose which life you prefer.

At this stage in your lives, without children and marriage, hardly seeing your partner isn't ideal.

I don't think you are right for each other. You clearly need a more attentive partner whereas he seems more relaxed about everything. He is young and I think he is doing the right thing by taking these opportunities and I wouldn't call it selfish, they are not holidays, it's work.

Could you move the relationship to a more casual basis so it works for both of you? (so you'd have the option of dating other men)

Or you could do a complete break up. Or you could continue and get resentful.

Having an interaction where all the "perks" are according to his timetable will lead to resentment. It's not one side right one side wrong, but just trying to find a way to move things forward without resentment.

Incidentally, I have NEVER been in a relationship where I broke it off due to practical reasons where I regretted it later on: I don't mean one has a break-up and then walks into Mr Perfect the next day, but if you have a fundamentally positive and practical attitude, you're going to be fine.

You're not being unfair, no. But then again, neither is he.

As mentioned above, plenty folk sustain perfectly good relationships when one or other or both frequently travels. I live in an area where a lot of folk would work in the oil industry so would work offshore (or offshore overseas) for weeks at a time. So, the idea of being away, for longer periods and / or at short notice, is not ridiculous in itself.

But, it doesn't matter if it suits the rest of us or not ...... If it doesn't work for you, that's the problem. Would agree with pp, marriage is unlikely to change anything - although if you're meaning that you're comparing how you might react in a new / short-term relationship rather than in a long-term one, yes presumably it's easier to walk away from something more casual.

Yes bathtime op should put her own feelings aside for love of her man and let him travel the world while she waits patiently at home.

op you only live once. Don't sit about while someone else is fulfilling their own dream. I'd go and find someone that wants thevdame things as you and is prepared to put his money where his mouth is.

But he would be crazy to pass up his life chances to appease a girlfriend.

As if wives and long-term partners appear magically and fully formed from nowhere?

let him travel the world while she waits patiently at home

Well there should be no "letting", should there?

He's young and unencumbered and he wants to travel.

So yes, if she loves him she should support him in that.

There's no need for her to wait patiently at home.

The only person who wants to squash their sweetheart's dreams here is her.

Why not go and have your own adventures while you're young?

As if wives and long-term partners appear magically and fully formed from nowhere?

Quite.

Someone who will support you to follow your dreams when you are young and not attempt to hold you back for their own selfish ends is a much better person to marry than the clingy whiny one who wants you by their side even when that is not what is best for you,

You're not being unfair, OP. Some people are cut out for long-distance relationships (or ones which involve a lot of being apart), others aren't. Neither of you is right or wrong, you just have different opinions.

I'm like you, long distance is NOT for me. Luckily DP feels the same, and neither of our jobs involve travel for anything longer than a day. If it's not for you, it's not for you. Just explain to him that you cannot do it anymore. There's nothing wrong with that

a much better person to marry than the clingy whiny one who wants you by their side even when that is not what is best for you,

Not everyone wants a relationship where they barely see their partner, though. I don't think that makes them clingy or whiny!

Asking him to pass up good opportunities that he is keen to take is clingy and whiny.

I'm so glad the boyfriend that became my husband encouraged me to take opportunies while I was young.

The thing is, being with someone who's away all the time does mean making some sacrifices, especially when kids come along -- you may be willing to do it but it's still sacrifices. Even now, the OP has to be content with hardly seeing him, which isn't ideal. It's one thing to make those sacrifices when you're married and settled, but how can she know whether she really wants to make those sacrifices when they are still figuring out their future?

If he's likely to continue travelling for years, will the OP have to give up her career to raise their kids? Will she have to put off kids for longer than she would like until he's able to be home more? Is she happy to do the whole 'make your own life while he's away' thing?

Those are big questions and I don't think I would be happy to sign up to all that when I don't see my DP enough to know whether we really do have a future. It's not about being clingy, it's about looking out for yourself and what you want in life.

It really is up to you. Do you want a long distance relationship or not. My other half is home a lot, my best mate's husband is away most of the time. I quite often think I'd rather have that - as she has a fab time doing her own thing when he's not there, and a (probably slightly less) fab time when he's home.

Not that she doesn't love him or miss him - but she's got used to having her own space and manages it.

Doesn't sound like that is what you want from a relationship....so find a new relationship that does give you what you want.

As far as I can see they've already decided to be together for the long haul.

Negotiations about the kind of life they might have after marriage and kids is worth having.

But now there are no children, so there is no reason for him to be passing up work opportunities because his girlfriend gets sad when he's away.

bathtime - I don't 'get sad,' when he is away. I am merely trying to conduct a healthy relationship, where I see my DP for more than 5 random days in 7 weeks.

I made it clear from day 1 in our relationship that I couldn't deal with intense trips away, and that a couple of weeks here and there was ok (which it is).

I have been open all the time, my DP has simply increased his trpis and taken on more opportunities, and expects me to be there when he is back to re-commence an intense relationship...how can I have an intense relationship with someone I rarely see and who I havent already made that committment to?

I think you are starting to resent him.
This will only build.
I think, like others, you should go and do your thing and live your own life.
He'll be doing this for years to come.
Are you OK with that?

Op he night be a really nice guy but sounds as if he's not wanting the same as you at this point in time. What do you think your going to do?