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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel like I've been kicked in the stomach

91 replies

cornishcreamtea · 16/02/2015 19:06

Sorry to use that analogy but that's how I feel. Been with my dp over 10 years , 2 DCs who are not his but he loves dearly.
When we met I knew he was a drinker ( drank at home every night) which caused so many problems culminating in him having to resign from his well paid career as he had sent inappropriate text messages to a female colleague while drunk. Despite being mortified and embarrassed (me) we worked through it, he cut down on the drinking but over the next few years it gradually built up again.
Just before Xmas I said things needed to change and he reluctantly agreed a compromise of only drinking 3 nights a week. However last night he said he was sick of being told what to do and was going to have a drink. I said he would need to sleep in the spare room as our relationship was on the edge.
I was nearly sick with shock when he came through this morning, told me he had been having a relationship with a woman 11 years younger than him, he was in love with her yet he had an epiphany through the night and decided it was me he wanted . She was waiting to come and pick him up ( lives at the other side of the country).I made him text her to tell her it was over and straightaway she rang me on the landline to tell me things about their relationship which he had already told me anyway.
I feel absolutely devastated, shaking and no energy .
I don't know where to turn and what to do.

OP posts:
cornishcreamtea · 16/02/2015 19:08

And to make matters worse, he had only ever met her in person for 15 minutes whilst she was visiting our home town. The whole relationship has been conducted using text messages and phone calls. I cannot believe I have been living a life and not suspected any of this?

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HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 16/02/2015 19:10

I'm so sorry that he's done that to you. Of course you feel like that, who wouldn't?

After what he's done to you, it really isn't up to him now whether you stay together or not - that's up to you. It may be a decision you don't want to make right away, or perhaps you already know what you want. That's something only you can say.

cornishcreamtea · 16/02/2015 19:18

He has said that he has chosen me but that a lot of the problems were because I never gave him enough attention apart from to nag about his drinking. I have told him it was a vicious circle as the more he drank, the less respect I had for him and yes I know I didn't give him enough attention.
Even if I were to try and work it through I am going to be a nervous wreck wondering if they are still in touch. I have asked for complete transparency and he has deleted her off the messaging system they were using but has refused to block her phone number as she " may need closure and will be devastated he has chosen to stay with me"!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/02/2015 19:22

He chose you? How big of him..... Hmm

He hasn't chosen you at all. What he has chosen is to give you a right royal fright, square in the solar plexus, as a way to bring you into line. 'Shut up about my alcohol consumption or next time I really will I'll go off with someone else'

Hope you tell him to get lost.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 16/02/2015 19:22

Oh, he's chosen you, has he? That's really great of him, you lucky, lucky thing. Hmm

You have the right to choose whether you still want him or not. Or has that not occurred to him?

He thought he'd tell you he was going to leave you but has decided not to and you'd fall to your knees and praise god?

And he won't even delete her number? What a prince.

rumred · 16/02/2015 19:27

So sorry to hear this op, the pain must be excruciating.
Make sure you get space and time to think about everything. Have you got real life friends to talk with? it doesn't sound like a relationship to fight for from what you've said. Or a person you can trust and love realistically

ButtercupChin · 16/02/2015 19:29

He's an alcoholic who has been having an affair. Why does he get to choose anything?

I would be kissing the OW's feet in gratitude and making sure she had our address correctly noted so that she can pick him up ASAP.

You are at a crossroads. One route leads to sweet freedom from an unfaithful (and unemployed?) booze-hound and the other delivers you neatly into his sweaty clutches only this time he really gets to call the shots.

cornishcreamtea · 16/02/2015 19:38

As usual you are all correct.
Cog.. You have hit the nail on the head, if I let him stay then every time I mention his drinking he's going to come up with " look what happened the last time you did that"
As I watched him type his text to her this morning I even had to ask him to delete the word "baby". I know everyone always says it's not the ow's fault but what right did she have to ring me in my own home when my children were around? He defended her saying well she'll be upset as last night I told her I was leaving you.

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rumred · 16/02/2015 19:40

He's got no respect for you. Ltb. Seriously.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 16/02/2015 19:40

He's probably fed her a great big pile of bullshit.

Not to excuse her, but he's the one you need to focus on.

Really, she's irrelevant. She could have been anyone. He wanted to do this to you and he did. You only have a certain amount of energy and you don't want to waste it on her when you'll need it to deal with him.

magoria · 16/02/2015 19:45

He's a coward.

He didn't go because he loved you.

He didn't go because he was scared.

He knows where he thinks he has you and that you are now in your place as he has a 'better' offer.

He didn't know how much OW would put up with and he could have been out on his ear in 2 days.

You deserve better.

CurlyWurlyCake · 16/02/2015 19:45

Google the pick me dance and have a read.

magoria · 16/02/2015 19:46

Sorry that reads wrong.

He didn't stay because he loves you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/02/2015 19:46

You're angry with the wrong person. There you are believing you have a faithful relationship. There she is believing she's about to embark on a new life. He's fucked over both your lives and I'm not surprised she acted the way she did.

Have you told him to leave yet?

TendonQueen · 16/02/2015 19:47

What a fucking idiot he is. Tell him you've had enough and she's welcome to him. Otherwise you'll be policing his phone etc forever and he'll be telling you you're nagging and driving him back to drink. That's no life.

Quitelikely · 16/02/2015 19:52

Oh god. Please let this man go for the sake of your own sanity and self respect.

He was going to run off to start a new life with someone who he had met for all if fifteen minutes? Really, what kind of person does that?!

You won't ever be able to stop his drinking, it's just who he is.

Please show him the door. He is a mess of a man and you won't ever change that.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/02/2015 19:53

I suppose you realise that the inappropriate text messages 'when drunk' that got him fired are probably part of a consistent pattern of player behaviour? Unlucky to hit on someone who made a complaint. Been more careful since....

wellcoveredsparerib · 16/02/2015 20:04

Cog has it spot on with the above post. This is a pattern

Louboutin37 · 16/02/2015 20:05

Jesus Christ, are you married to my ex? First things first, he needs to get out of your house for a few days so you can have space to think. Then in time you'll have the time for us all to talk some reality into you. Whilst he's around he's going to mess with your head terribly.

What is they say about "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice.....?" I left the same situation 3 years ago, I've never been happier sleeping well at night.

So sorry for your situation OP but stick around here and keep listening to these ladies, they really know their stuff

Twinklestein · 16/02/2015 20:06

Let her have him, not that she'll thank you for it in the long run.

Why are you inflicting an irresponsible me alcoholic on your children?
He's not even their father.

You and they deserve so much better.

inlectorecumbit · 16/02/2015 20:07

I think l would be phoning the OW and asking her to come and pick him up. Tell her she is welcome to the lying alcoholic serial cheater and that you don't want him--she should be happy to mop up your rejects.
What right has he got to chose you--you didn't know it was a competition and if you had known you didn't want to win a prize like him.
You and your DC deserve better-you know you will be walking on egg shells now and in the future--the twat has form for this behaviour

Horsemad · 16/02/2015 20:08

Please. Just turf the Muppet Faced Wanker out.
You will be much better off without him.

YellowTulips · 16/02/2015 20:09

^
This exactly....

MyDogEatsBalloons · 16/02/2015 20:09

This man will never ever ever make you happy. Do yourself and your children a favour and kick him out now - and I bet he'll last about three days with the OW before he tries to come crawling back.

cornishcreamtea · 16/02/2015 20:11

Well have just got the children to bed, poor things, they are so full of cold and completely unaware of the trauma that is playing out.
Am aware of the pick me dance but in my muddled state have been thinking well he made the decision to stay, I didn't ask him.
I just cannot understand how he has been telling another woman he loves her so much just last night and yet now he says it is me he wants to stay with.

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