Feel like I've been kicked in the stomach

[cornishcreamtea]

Sorry to use that analogy but that's how I feel. Been with my dp over 10 years , 2 DCs who are not his but he loves dearly.
When we met I knew he was a drinker ( drank at home every night) which caused so many problems culminating in him having to resign from his well paid career as he had sent inappropriate text messages to a female colleague while drunk. Despite being mortified and embarrassed (me) we worked through it, he cut down on the drinking but over the next few years it gradually built up again.
Just before Xmas I said things needed to change and he reluctantly agreed a compromise of only drinking 3 nights a week. However last night he said he was sick of being told what to do and was going to have a drink. I said he would need to sleep in the spare room as our relationship was on the edge.
I was nearly sick with shock when he came through this morning, told me he had been having a relationship with a woman 11 years younger than him, he was in love with her yet he had an epiphany through the night and decided it was me he wanted . She was waiting to come and pick him up ( lives at the other side of the country).I made him text her to tell her it was over and straightaway she rang me on the landline to tell me things about their relationship which he had already told me anyway.
I feel absolutely devastated, shaking and no energy .
I don't know where to turn and what to do.

Why do you want him to stay?

I think you need to be clear in your own head what you are actually expecting from him/the relationship.

Because if you are happy for things to be exactly as they have been in the past then I think that's realistic.

If you are expecting him to be faithful/drink less/have a bit of respect then I maybe you should evaluate the likelihood of that.

Cornish this is a horrible situation that your husband has put you in. I imagine you are in shock. Please don't hide this from others, friends and family as you will need their support. I think you need to think carefully about what you want your life to like in the future, happy, not walking on egg shells, having self respect and then work backwards to how to get yo that outcome. I would imagine this may mean getting rid of your alcoholic and serial cheating husband.

Dump that shit. You can do it, unless you want to live the rest of your life like with him

You deserve better, and you know it.

You need some time to get over the shock.

Let's be realistic. He is an alcoholic and he wants to drink. He resents you for trying to stop him.

This woman does not know him nor he her. He will think he has a ready made life with her but it will soon fall apart when she discovers what living with him is like. She sounds desperate herself.

You do not need him in your life. He is a dishonest liability and he has no love or respect for you. You deserve better - and being by yourself is better. TBF, I would let him go and take the opportunity to divorce him now. Then under no circumstances have him back. Let him take responsibility for himself.

If you have him back you will spend your life with a liar, a weak man, an alcoholic who will make your life a misery as alcohol tightens its grip on him. You'll end up with someone who loses bladder control, develops liver and stomach problems etc. I have a cousin who lived with his wife for 20 years and the alcoholism gradually her took over. She now has no teeth, terrible liver disease, has gastric bleeds, soils herself, has been dried out I don't know how many times but falls off the waggon within days every time.

He finally refused to have her back about 3 yeas ago ad she now has her own flat- she is regularly found pissed in hotel rooms where she has picked up men in a bar, or her carers find her pissed in her flat. She cannot cope with life herself. My cousin and their son feel so relieved to have their home and peace and stability back. Her son will not see her at all. My cousin still calls round with shopping once a week. He can't completely walk away.

OP, I really feel for you. I know that feeling of having been sucker-punched in the gut - losing all the breath in your body and feeling totally winded and unable to cope with anything.

Your partner is an alcoholic, that is plain to see. You have asked him to cut down, he has made attempts to do so but it's plain from his words that he doesn't feel he should "have" to. I would also bet that this "relationship" thing started shortly after you asked him to stop/cut down drinking.

If it was just a stupid mid-like-crisis flirtation that he'd confessed to and was now begging forgiveness, if the rest of the relationship was good then I'd probably continue with it, if I was in your shoes. But I think this "relationship" (15 mins! really?!) is more of a symptom of what's wrong in his life.

He is an addict and you need to protect yourself and your DCs in the first instance. Addicts are not reliable people sadly, no matter how lovely they can be when sober. Unless he sees that he is an addict and actually wants to change, I honestly think you cannot continue with him.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's easy for us all to sit here and cry "Leave the fucker!" but it's not so easy when you've just had such a massive shock. Please be kind to yourself at the moment, treat yourself and your DCs well, and take some time to consider what you want to do, based on what's best for you.

Why the fuck would you want to stay with someone who sounds like a dick even without the ow bit.

Some women really do sell themselves short.

You deserve better than this!

I think you need to ask yourself what you are 'trying' for. For him to be faithful? For him to treat you with dignity? For him to change? And what incentive does he have to do that? None, as you've shown him that all he has to do is make a half-assed apology (that places the blame mostly on you) and he can pretty much do what he wants.

As far as men's heads being easily turned by flattery, you are wrong. MOST men's heads aren't 'turned by flattery' any more than most women's are. MOST men in committed relationships, even if they are flattered, do not cheat, physically or emotionally. Don't excuse him by convincing yourself that 'well, any man would have done the same'. NO, they would not have.

If you've decided to stay, that is your decision. But do so with your eyes open.

I think you are heading for a fall.
He is still drinking, how can this cycle change if the dynamic doesn't change ?
Even if in his epiphany awaking, he realized that it's you he wants, why would it change? He's not happy, & you're visibly not happy either.

He has to go, temporarily perhaps, It's time for him to decide if his wants to take control of his drinking, & whether (or not) you will consider a reconciliation.

I can see that you're still desperately clinging onto the idea that he will change personality, be the person you've always hoped he could be (underneath the booze) and that you're relieved your family is still holding together. I think that's a normal phase and I'm not going to say 'LTB'. However, do be prepared for the delayed shock reaction..... anger, upset, hatred even.... once you're in a position to relax and once he thinks he's past the danger point and stops trying so hard. After the 'kick in the stomach' experience forgiveness is a nice idea in theory but the reality of life post infidelity can be very sour.

How about asking him to move out for a little while. I would want him to stop drinking completely but, I guess, he needs to want to for himself too.

There's a saying on MN... "When a man tells you who he is, LISTEN."

He's told you who he is. He's not going to change. The only thing he will change is how he manipulates you so he gets what he wants.

You deserve better.

Again, you sound like his mother and are scolding her silly little boy child - do nothing then OP but I guarantee you he will carry on drinking, carry on being a selfish dick and one day the light bulb will come on and you will regret so much making him your universe, he certainly isn't making you his, your a crutch to him, nothing more, god knows what he is to you - pain in the arse by all accounts.

OP you are being treated extremely badly. I agree with Cog that you are in shock and can't face having your life turned upside down at this point in time.

I recommend that you get legal advice to see where you stand in the event of a separation. You don't need to do anything but having some advice will mean that you are in charge of some aspect of your life and when he resumes his heavy drinking again at least you will know your options.

I also recommend that you go to your doctor and have a chat about what happened. Perhaps your GP can arrange a few counselling sessions for you. I was lucky to get some free counselling sessions from Women's Aid when I was going through a marriage break up and they were invaluable.

He will start to feel cosy again soon and expect you to put up with him. It is likely that he will contact the OW or some other vulnerable women. Your P and his OW spent 15 minutes together and were prepared to settle down together for life - it is laughable! You are being used as a base for him to continue his drinking and womanising.

You say that he loves your DC. Children are extremely perceptive and if you asked them they would most likely tell you that they don't like the way you are being treated.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

OP don't you think you deserve more than an alcoholic liar?

How long has he been having this so called "love affair" ?
I really cannot believe that either one of them could elope after being in each other's presence for 15 minutes.
That is so completely immature, & he has been a father to your kids...
he is a sad joke.

Your statement that 'a whiff of them getting back together and he it out' is ridiculous. Sorry to be harsh but surely 'a whiff of him drinking again and he it out' is a bit more reasonable. He has form for trying to get off with other women/getting off with other women so he will do it again at some stage. Looking at the 'trashy' pics of OW and commenting on her appearance to him is incredibly sad.

I expect he has used emotional blackmail - I love the kids like they are my own, we have so many shared memories, we have lovely friends we spend time with, you are my true love etc. etc) whilst the reality is more like you let him off before (alcohol and women) so he can take the piss and he can get away with it again and again, we own a house together and I may lose out financially, OW doesn't earn as much as OP, don't know if the OW knows how much I actually drink and she may dump me and then where will I be?

When you find out he has another woman on the go you may well be in your fifties, then maybe your sixties. Something to look forward to I guess.