Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel like I've been kicked in the stomach

91 replies

cornishcreamtea · 16/02/2015 19:06

Sorry to use that analogy but that's how I feel. Been with my dp over 10 years , 2 DCs who are not his but he loves dearly.
When we met I knew he was a drinker ( drank at home every night) which caused so many problems culminating in him having to resign from his well paid career as he had sent inappropriate text messages to a female colleague while drunk. Despite being mortified and embarrassed (me) we worked through it, he cut down on the drinking but over the next few years it gradually built up again.
Just before Xmas I said things needed to change and he reluctantly agreed a compromise of only drinking 3 nights a week. However last night he said he was sick of being told what to do and was going to have a drink. I said he would need to sleep in the spare room as our relationship was on the edge.
I was nearly sick with shock when he came through this morning, told me he had been having a relationship with a woman 11 years younger than him, he was in love with her yet he had an epiphany through the night and decided it was me he wanted . She was waiting to come and pick him up ( lives at the other side of the country).I made him text her to tell her it was over and straightaway she rang me on the landline to tell me things about their relationship which he had already told me anyway.
I feel absolutely devastated, shaking and no energy .
I don't know where to turn and what to do.

OP posts:
anothernumberone · 16/02/2015 22:41

There is no way that man deserves another second of your attention Cornish I think I might be reading it wrong but this is not the first time. How did the inappropriate texts to another woman early in the relationship affect you? Any woman deserves better and your children do too. He is a piece of work.

cornishcreamtea · 17/02/2015 03:45

Well I am having the might from he'll, tossing and turning, going to sleep for what seems like a few minutes and then waking up in a panic, mouth dry with a feeling of dread. And as for dp? Snoring happily away.

OP posts:
OnBlueDolphinStreet · 17/02/2015 03:53

He chose you to pay his bills more like.

He's not a premium catch is he? Fob him off onto her while you've got a chance! Grin

OnBlueDolphinStreet · 17/02/2015 03:55

....she lives the other side of the country? Even better when you get rid!

cornishcreamtea · 17/02/2015 03:57

Another number. It affected me terribly. I couldn't believe he had been so stupid and he really never thought a sexual harassment case would ensue. A lot of his female colleagues who were interviewed said they just found him funny and weren't offended. He has always had the ability to make people laugh and he couldn't understand when I used to tell him he was straying into dodgy territory.
But then once I'd gone to bed and he got more drunk his moral code just seemed to switch off.

OP posts:
SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 17/02/2015 05:19

Get rid. He's had his chances and fucked every one up. Give him another and he'll fuck up that one too.

mammadiggingdeep · 17/02/2015 07:27

He 'chose you' did he????

In time I can bet you you'll wish he'd done you a favour and gone off with the woman he'd only actually met for 15 mins. He would have been doing you a favour.

He blamed you for his infidelity be side you'd been nagging him? Please. Take a step back and truly see this man for what he is. He is not worthy of you. You and your children would be better without this man zapping your energy and emotion.

Is there somebody in rl you can talk to? You'd be doing the next thing to get some space from this situation for a week or two. Really allow yourself time to think about what you want to do.

Flowers I'm sorry you've been put in this horrible situation :(

WyrdByrd · 17/02/2015 07:38

I understand that you are in shock right now but please don't let this idiot stay in your life.

He's obviously not going to change and you will live your life on tenterhooks waiting for the next time.

You and your children deserve so much better - agree with the PP who said pack him off to this OW while you have the chance tbh.

Vivacia · 17/02/2015 07:50

I know that if I asked him to leave he would waltz off to the ow with a nice new ready made life and as he said, a woman who wouldn't mind his lifestyle.

Yeah, but look at the alternative! This is no way to choose a partner or the man who raises your children.

For me, this is a definite LTB situation.

simontowers2 · 17/02/2015 07:58

OP this guy has zero respect for you. Zero. Have some pride. Ltb.

cornishcreamtea · 17/02/2015 13:36

Well been out for coffee and talked at length with 2 friends who quite understandably agreed with you all and one of them wanted to punch him on the nose!
He has come to me crying this morning saying he feels "sad" and can he have a hug? Have told him he had better not be crying because he is missing her.
Still haven't had a thing to eat in 2 days. I could never have hoped to compete, she is 29 compared to my late 40s and had promised him they could start their own family. He always told me he didn't want his own family. All he keeps saying is he realised we had history and it was too much to lose. I really fear that part of it is he would never see my ds again who he loves like his own.

OP posts:
Horsemad · 17/02/2015 13:49

You don't need to compete with her, she is what she is, you are what you are.
If he's not happy with you (and he clearly isn't), then he can push off with her.

Why should you live the rest of your life wondering if he'll do it again? And he will, you know.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 17/02/2015 13:56

there there sweetheart, I'm sorry you're missing your 29yr old fantasy woman, you poor thing, come here and I'll make you all better.

ffs.

I honestly don't know what to say to you at this point.

He's ridiculous.

what he wants from you is cruel

babbityann · 17/02/2015 14:12

Hello OP. As has been already said upthread you are in shock at the moment so do nothing. I would not throw him out just yet as you need to talk and plan and discuss scenarios....how will things be if/when he leaves, re the house , seeing the children etc (I know he is not their biological father but he has agood relationship with them, yes?)Be very kind to yourself. Eat something light and walk or do some form of exercise to release some tention. Good move telling two friends in RL. It can get a bit foggy on this particuliar board with lots of people shouting at you to kick him out, etc. But I know it's not that easy. We only know some of the facts and your friends can offer better advice as they know you both. Good luck.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 17/02/2015 16:10

I really hope you can get to a point where realise that you do not need to compete with anyone, let alone a 29 year old. You sound as though your self esteem is very low at a time when he should be crawling over broken glass to get you to forgive him.

You have done nothing wrong at all. This is entirely down to him

Jan45 · 17/02/2015 17:13

This is a blessing in disguise, if not his alcoholism then use the affair to kick has arse as far out the door as possible.

He sounds like a disgusting child alcoholic that you are having to parent and keep in check, what a great life for you, policing your OH at work and at home, he's already lost a job through his behaviour and I am sure you suffered the consequences of that, you now have to deal with him and some tart that he has more time for than you - seriously OP, once you start seeing things a bit more clearer, please get rid, he couldn't take the piss anymore if he tried, and that's in a state of drunken-ness too - I'd rather be on a dessert island than have to breath in his boozy breath and cries of self pity - what a joke of a man.

cestlavielife · 17/02/2015 17:24

send him away, if he goes off to her his choice (her bad...)

your DC will get over this.
they will be fine.
you will be fine.

you don't need this man in your life any more.

babbityann · 17/02/2015 17:46

It is pointless advising the OP to kick her husband out at this stage! She is still in shock and needs to get answers out of him for her own recovery. Eventually she may come to that decision herself, but right now she needs to absorb the shock and just cope with her children.
I have been there OP and have since divorced my husband but when I first discovered his affair I did not ask him to leave because I needed time to take on board what had happened. We needed to talk (me shout a bit) and sort out the logistics. Much, much harderto do if the offending partner moves out immediately. Take things at your own pace.

Twinklestein · 17/02/2015 18:16

What he actually realised OP, was that a 29 year old who clearly doesn't know he's an alcoholic yet is much less likely to put up with his shit.

He chickened out, that's all. He probably told the other woman a lot of lies & realised it wouldn't wash.

He knows you'll put up with him and his addiction.

cornishcreamtea · 17/02/2015 18:57

Thank you all so much for your support.
Now that I have got over the initial shock I am starting to work things out in my head a bit clearer. Poor DCs, all I've managed to make for them today has been snacky meals.
Well he now says it would have been the biggest mistake to have left but he is willing to work hard. I realise men's heads are easily turned by flattery and attention and I know I didn't give him that because I thought he didn't deserve it whereas he obviously got it in bucket loads from the ow. How the hell can you leave your family for somebody you have only spoken to in person for 15 minutes?
He also brought me his iPad to show he was deleting her photos, usual trashy poses! I must admit I couldn't help being bitchy and said "really, you think she's attractive?"
Anyway where does that leave me? I have told him he's only staying here because I have chosen for him to. If there is one whiff of either of them getting back in touch then he is out.
I know that flies in the face of most of the advice given but I need to try.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/02/2015 19:09

What are you "trying" here ? Are you absolutely clear what you are signing yourself up for ? Is this what you envisaged your life would be like ? Sad

Auburnsparkle · 17/02/2015 19:13

But how can you trust him now? He may tell you he has deleted some pics - but that is just the tip of the iceberg surely? And what about the drinking?

I fear you are minimising as you are too scared to get rid.

Vivacia · 17/02/2015 19:44

I think that this is such a sad situation. You seem to be creating a version of reality that I just don't recognise I'm afraid.

Vivacia · 17/02/2015 19:46

But how can you trust him now?

I don't think OP wants trust or respect or dignity, at least not as much as she wants familiarity.

Vivacia · 17/02/2015 19:46

(And that sounded snide, and I don't mean it to. I think we've all had that feeling of just wanting everything to be back how it was).