He didn't wish me a Happy Valentines...

[HermoineWeasley]

He didn't wish me a Happy Valentines, or anything. We've been dating a few months so it's our first valentines.

He gave me a gift a few days ago because our anniversary falls in the same month but that's it. It wasn't wrapped or anything. It was a watch I wanted. And said this is a valentine/anniversary present.

He didn't have to do anything major yesterday. Maybe a card or even a Happy Valentines Day message. He says he doesn't believe in it. I ended up going out with my friends during the day before they had plans for evening with their partners. Even the guy at the place we ate at wished me a Happy Valentines.

I'm a big old romantic, he isn't by the way things are going. All my friends got flowers and got taken out. I got nothing. I believe the watch was more of a anniversary present than a valentines. He just thought he'd give it early so it looks like both.

For my birthday, he bought me flowers but that's it really. Didn't take me out, whereas I was planning this whole thing for his birthday but I didn't end up doing it as I thought I'm putting in too much effort.

Am I being unreasonable? I like showing acts of love and affectionate. He's not one those to go out of his way for me.
Like I always travel to him as he hates driving. Not once except for our first date, has he come to my area.

Maybe he's not into me as he thinks he is? But when we had a fight and I needed space, he got really upset and confessed how much he likes me and how upset he is that I'm not talking to him and that I'm the one. So I don't know really

Sounds like more of a compatibility issue then a 'he's not into you' issue. You equate things with love. He doesn't. Valentines day is important to you. It isn't to him. It doesn't mean he's not into you, it just means you have a fundamental incompatibility in the way you show love. You have to decide whether that's a deal breaker for you.

FWIW my DH got me a card and a voucher for a pregnancy massage for valentines day. I got him a card but it's still unwritten on my dressing table . Not because I don't adore him, but because I've had a lot going on this past week and I completely forgot. I'll make it up to him though! Oh and we have never bought presents for anniversaries even since getting married (saving for a house deposit!) so I'd be chuffed to bits with a watch

I do go see him, yes but he's pushed this relationship forward by moving to be closer to me, talking about marriage, he wants to buy a house soon for us, he doesn't want to go anywhere new with the lads as he wants to experience it with me etc.

I think we are just incompatible on the romance part. I show my love by giving, saying and doing. He just shows by doing. .

Oh and I find the Facebook pictures of flowers and presents embarrassing. To me it just screams 'look everyone someone loves me!!!'. If you're going to celebrate valentines day, surely it's about you as a couple and not showing the rest of the world how loved and spoilt you are!

You come across as a bit shallow. If your measure of love is to have gifts given to you on a consumer orientated day and it doesn't happen then maybe you're with the wrong man.

If this is your first serious relationship then it sounds like you have a lot to learn.

Stop listening to your friends, if there are issues then talk to him. You can't force someone to pay for romantic gestures and the fact that he messages you every morning would mean more to me than some roses and a card.

It all sounds very 'teen' to me.

Think about what you want, I'm not saying it's wrong to want those gestures but you can't moan about him not wanting to do it when he's said he's not into it.

To mention his salary in your previous OP is crass. I hope he finds someone who respects him for who he is.

Go ahead and flame me!

I'm confused too ;)

You are in the relationship with the guy. Just know OP that he is setting the bar very low - if you do go on to marry him he won't drive, give you anything or even acknowledge VD ever. If he is using his "stubborness" now to get his own way, that will get worse. He'll never wrap you a gift or buy you a card.

I don't think you are sounding like an over materialistic person OP, but are you prepared for a life time of him "not doing" stuff that you like and appreciate and perhaps want & need? It's OK to need/want a card/present/etc from your P on your birthday for example.

Are you eating the chocolates now? (I would be).

BeCool yes I do sometimes stay at his place but he sometimes has to go away and lives in hotels due to a contract so it sort of hard at the moment. He said he'll give up contracting once we are married, but he makes a lot of money doing that at the moment. So seeing him revolves around when he's up here really. Even though his head office is up here, they sometimes give him work down south.

I was referring to when you go out for dinner 10 min from where he lives, and you have a long drive home afterwards. And you don't like driving. Why not stay at his?

Oh, because I work the next day and it's a 10 minute drive from my house.
The drive in the morning from his to my work is atrocious as it'll take about 2 hours so it makes sense to go home that evening (I've tried it a couple of times and been late to work!).

Cottonbuds - thanks for your input. This is my first relationship so I am learning. Maybe in a few years, I'll look back and think how silly I was!

This is my first valentines with my first serious boyfriend so excuse me for wanting/expecting something. Obviously next time I won't be disappointed!

I've said previously, I equate my love by gifts, saying and going out of my way for people. Whether friends or family. More so to my partner!
I thought id get the same from him because he knows that's what I'm like.

This thread is about my disappointment and whether I'm being unreasonable. You think I am, that's fine.

I can't remember my previous OP, but his salary means nothing to me. I'm a very 50/50 person.

So if you accept that this is just what he is "like" are you still thinking you would like to spend the rest of your life with him?

BeCool

I don't know, maybe?
I can see how much he adores me when I see him. He's just not romantic, and I am. Sad really!
I don't think he wants me to be a romantic either so I feel that part of me will be lost.

He is great in every other area.
I might dump him, find someone who is a romantic but treats me like crap, cheats on me etc.

But my mister is my best friend and so loyal to me. Hes away a lot and I know he would never cheat and even when he's away, he texts me all the time. This is my first serious relationship but I've been in a few before and I definitely connect with him more so than anyone I've met before.

So yes I'll stay with him. It's just a shame about the romance part. I hope I can get over it!

Talk to him, please. If it bothers you then you need to talk it through - too many people in relationships don't and it builds resentment.

I wish you luck.

Do you ever stay over with each other at all?

Yes I will, thank you Cotton.

LineRunner, yes we do. But I see him on a weekday, I don't as I've got work next day and he lives about an hour away and in the morning, the traffic is really bad.

More so if it's the weekend but as he's a contractor he can stay away a lot of the time. Now his head office is up north, I see him more than I did at the beginning so I'll stay over more now.

FWIW, in the first 18 months of my relationship with my now fiance, before we lived together, I rarely went to his house - he always drove to see me because I owned my own place where we had privacy, whereas he lived in a shared house. It didn't mean I wasn't crazy about him.

As for Valentine's Day, I made it clear from the word go that it was important to me and during the 4 years we've been together, we've always made an effort to do something together, whether that's a meal in or out, romantic film, flowers, cards etc.

On the other hand my OH's twin brother and his partner, who have been together for 12 years have never bothered with Valentines Day at all, and are perfectly happy together.

OP, did you make it known to your boyfriend that Valentine's Day was a big deal to you?

Tree, yes I live in a shared house. I prefer to stay at his place. It's quite crowded at mine.

I did tell him on Wednesday. I said I like valentines day, when he told me he doesn't believe in it. He ignored that I like it. He's quite stubborn so I think I might have to be the one who just accept that.

I understand your disappointment. I think it's important in a relationship to do things for the other person that are important to them. Even if you think they're trivial. In fact, why would you not do something trivial in order to make your loved one happy? So easy to wish your partner a happy valentines day. Unless you're a 'stubborn' arse, of course. It sounds very much like the relationship is on his terms.

It really doesn't sound like you spend a great deal of time together.

You got him a box of chocolates and he got you the watch you wanted??? Tbh it sounds like you got the better more thoughtful gift.

The lack of effort with seeing you is a different issue and one that needs addressing.

I asked my DH, because of this thread, why he "does" Valentine's Day. his response? "Because you do and I want to make you happy".

Why is his disinterest more important than your interest? Why can't he meet you in the middle with a simple "Happy Valentine's Day"? It costs him nothing.

He'll quick his job once you're married? So you can financially support him? What are his plans in that regard?

I'm sorry but it doesn't seem like he makes much of an effort for you at all. Moving closer to you? Probably just worked out better for him or not much of a difference for him. He's still an hour away. You see him once a week? That's not a lot. You rarely stay over because he's traveling?

I'm sad for you that because this is better than how it "could" be you're willing to accept this. I hope it gets better. Be honest with him about how you're feeling. Tell him you're sick of driving all the time. You're not being wooed at all, and haven't been. It's not even like he's stopped doing it... he never has. You shouldn't have to lose a part of yourself to stay in a relationship.

I posted this elsewhere, but I think it is apt for tis thread too...

The things is with V day & seeing your friends get things & doing romantic things...their partners are doing that because the "hallmark holiday" is telling/forcing them to! My fb page was awash with (friend's) bouquets, meals, engagements, declarations of love etc and I can state with some certainty that these things would not have happened if it had been a normal Saturday!

The time I most respect & love my dh is when he does something random, off his own back...not because he is forced into it by a consumer society, but because he wanted to. Like the flowers he came home with last week, or the little message on my fb page that he knew I would wake up to, little texts asking me how I was while he was away.

Don't judge men (and women) on what they do on one day when the expected thing to do is to shower your loved one with love/gifts etc, judge them on how they treat you the other 364 days of the year, when no one is telling them that they have to be romantic!!

Your bf says she doesn't believe in V day, and that is his prerogative, yet he did buy you a v day gift, didn't he?

TBH, I would hate to get a card/gift rorm my dh on a day that almost forces the entire population of the world to be romantic. If he can't romance me without consumer clues, I don't want to be with him!

It's because I'm a romantic.

I am too, but I don't like forced romance. It feels fake to me, when people are only doing because it is expected of them.

Birthdays are different though...especially in the early days.

The watch is something I mentioned I wanted a few months ago. He obviously saved the online link I sent him when he asked me to send him the link to see because I didn't mention it since so that was nice.

See...I think that is a LOVELY gesture. He remembered how much you wanted it & took the time to get it for you. He could have bought any old watch for you, or a completely different gift, but he didn't! he knew you liked the watch & wanted to buy it for you.

That's kinda romantic in itself.

This is my first valentines with my first serious boyfriend so excuse me for wanting/expecting something But he told you op, that he doesn't believe in it. If you had no forewarning (even if it was just a couple of days) then I can understand your disappointment. But he told you! That should have been enough for you to lower your expectations. But somehow you took that a sign to mean he would lavish gifts on you!

I said I like valentines day, when he told me he doesn't believe in it. He ignored that I like it. And you ignored that he didn't like it, because you still expected him to mark it, somehow.

I think there's more to this somehow. On the surface it looks like you've being unreasonable OP, what's the big deal with Valentine's day, he bought you a watch for your anniversary he pays for dinner, you've expecting too much etc. BUT he stonewalled you when you explained it was important to you, he 'doesn't Do' cards, wrapping, days out, spend money, drive to take you out, in fact anything that is important to you! If you bring any of this up he becomes annoyed basically getting you to shut the fuck up about it and it's his way or the highway!
Something here is making you keep posting to ask if these things are ok, deep down somewhere you feel uneasy about this relationship and I can see why!

Wise words from Elizabeth. I wouldn't say that your relationship is anywhere near ready for marriage yet. It's still very casual, one visit per week is really no time to really get to know each other properly. Large incompatibilities is certain areas. Everything on his terms.

This sentence from you is a little strange he wants to buy a house soon for us. Buying your first house together should be a joint, exciting venture. Not him buying a house. Again, unless it's just the way you've phrased it, it sounds a little too much like he is going to want that his way too - his house, his choice, his decision when to buy.

Jumping from a once a week meet, rarely staying over, unable to effectively communicate with each other without him shutting down, to living together full time and marriage is actually a massive leap.