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Original poster

Borderline personality disorder-please can someone give perspective on this? Awful situation.

80 replies

TotallyDrained · 15/02/2015 14:09

Long story short, a friend of mine has diagnosed BPD and Asperger's. I didn't know about this until probably a few months ago, when she told me the full extent and that she was on meds etc. prior to knowing all this our friendship had been strained due to her consistently misunderstanding things i had said or done which lead to arguements. I've never argued with friends before this so found it really strange and that I just maybe rubbed her up the wrong way.

I don't know what I want, I guess I just feel like I walk on eggshells all the time and I feel so on edge like anything I say to her will tip her over. For example congratulating her on the birth of her son she told me to stop it and that I was making her feel anxious. There have been countless situations like this. I just feel utterly drained and depressed by it. I've done a lot of research into the disorder to understand it and to be careful in the way I approach her but I'm a bit feisty by nature so I've been told so could have been too blunt with her maybe?? She lives quite a chaotic life regarding different relationships and has fallen out with numerous other friends I know of. I don't know what I'm asking really, maybe for some words of advice or wisdom? Please be gentle

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 15/02/2015 14:18

I'm drained reading about this friendship. Being told off for congratulating her on her DS would tip me over the edge.

Some things just aren't worth the hassle.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/02/2015 14:24

The underlying assumption seems to be that you still want to be friends with her. Whether it's a disorder causing her to be unpleasant or not, why would you put yourself forward for more punishment?

Mrscaindingle · 15/02/2015 14:25

Do you get anything out of this friendship? If the relationship is all give on your part and take on hers I would be thinking of distancing myself.

It is hard for her with her diagnosis but one of the major features of BPD is difficulty sustaining relationships. Just watch you don't get burnt out trying to help all the time.

There is no easy answer really, ultimately it's for you to decide if this friendship is adding anything to your life.

Original poster
TotallyDrained · 15/02/2015 14:42

I don't really want to be friends with her at all to be honest. I think she plays the victim and doesn't take responsibility for her own behaviour. But I could be completely wrong and this literally could just solely be the BPD. I don't know though.

OP posts:
pointythings · 15/02/2015 14:49

It is very hard being friends with someone who has BPD. I have a colleague who has it - but she has done everything humanly possible to help herself, including medication, specialist therapy and lots of hard work. She's very open about her diagnosis and actually very easy to get along with. Her experience make her very powerful as a mental health researcher.

It's not like that for everyone. Partly that is because the kind of specialist therapy BPD patients need is not easy to get on the NHS, and because there are degrees of BPD.

Only you can decide whether continuing this friendship is in your best interest - and in hers. If you do decide to call it a day, don't feel bad about it, be kind to yourself.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/02/2015 14:55

If you don't want to be friends, don't be friends.

bilbodog · 15/02/2015 15:26

People with bpd can be very difficult to be with - they can drain you and seem to make bad decisions time after time. It is part of the condition and it's very hard to treat. You may find just keeping your distance can help and not getting embroiled in her every day life. You are right to read up on it as that will help you understand. Good luck.

Original poster
TotallyDrained · 15/02/2015 15:34

Really appreciate the replies and perspective on this. I've come to the decision to end the friendship with her and leave it in the past.

OP posts:
aeon456 · 15/02/2015 15:36

I have Aspergers and will be the first to admit I don't get on well with people generally. My main social contacts are my partner, who also has an Aspergers diagnosis but he prefers to see himself as having high functioning autism, a male FWB who seems to be neurodiverse, similar to Aspergers but also very manipulative and a male ex work colleague, who I see every few months. As you can see, I don't have any female friends as I don't tend to gel well at all with other females.

Perhaps you would be better off meeting up with your friend less often and encouraging her to attend support groups for people with Aspergers or BPD.

You could make sure you do some kind of activity like going to the cinema when you meet up, so the focus is taken off just talking.

Joysmum · 15/02/2015 16:09

Has she only been recently diagnosed and so not yet worked out the doseage of drugs needed?

If not then I'd ditch too. If she's still going through a period of adjustment then I'd probably hang on in there to see if it improved.

livefastlove · 15/02/2015 17:00

Personally I wouldn't end the friendship as it must be difficult for this woman having no friends due to her social problems. I'm sure it would hurt her feelings if you ended it and she would rather see you as a friend who she doesn't see regularly but is still a friend. But I would keep it all more casual and try to do outings rather than things where there is a lot of chatting, as someone suggested above.

DixieNormas · 15/02/2015 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SofiaAmes · 15/02/2015 17:16

I would advise looking into DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). If your friend isn't doing it, she probably should be, but even apart from that, learning about the therapy yourself, will give you insight into having a good relationship with her. And you may just find it be very useful in life in general. You can order a workbook on Amazon that you can do yourself: The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook

jasper · 15/02/2015 17:23

sofiaames! where have you been??

Smile
Meerka · 15/02/2015 19:19

I have some quite a lot of experience of dealing with people with BPD. It is a very distressing condition for the person but also for the people nearby.

In the end, someone with BPD has to begin to take responsibility for themselves. It can be really hard for them.

I would say that if she shows signs of really trying to make efforts to control her more difficult aspects, then it shows that she's trying and it would be a good thing for her if you could retain some level of friendship. (BUT friendships do have to be two-way; you have to get something in return as well as giving).

If she isn't, then it's too difficult and it will probably never really be ok.

BUT whether or not she is, you can only give what you have to give. Don't over-give. Someone with BPD can, quite unawares, drain you dry and still be impossible to keep happy. If you are at the limit with her, then yes, again, quietly disengage.

I hope she has support, given that she's just had a baby. The children of people with BPD often have a difficult home life.

candyce83 · 15/02/2015 19:26

My advice? Run. I sense a rescuer complex in yourself? You cannot LOVE the pathology out of someone. A lot of borderlines have a victim complex so seeking help is very rare. Why help someone who doesnt want to be helped? What about you in all this?

go to www.gettinbetter.com

Great articles on bpd and why you as a non are attracted to this sort of friendship.

ImperialBlether · 15/02/2015 19:37

Is this woman able to be a good mother? Is her health visitor aware of her diagnosis?

Original poster
TotallyDrained · 15/02/2015 19:49

I think she's a good mother to her son from what I see. She has apologised to me after various outbursts in the past. But in all honestly I don't enjoy her friendship because I know at some point there will be another disagreement or arguement. I'm not perfect and like I said have probably been too blunt with her before which has hurt her or possibly damaged her self esteem. My intentions have always been to help her and to just be there as a good friend for her. But I can't do it anymore.
Regarding the victim complex I have noticed this with her..she will accuse me of being spiteful or manipulative and other character traits that to be honest, I've never been aware of or been told about myself before. She has accused me of using the BPD against her as well. She can go from hostile and verbally abusive to fine the next day whereas I am still recovering from the outburst. It just doesn't work at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
TotallyDrained · 15/02/2015 19:50

Many thanks to you all who have posted, the advice is invaluable.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 15/02/2015 19:57

i really really would tread carefully

SaucyJack · 15/02/2015 20:58

Probably best you end the friendship for both of you if you can't see past the fact she has a MH diagnosis.

Original poster
TotallyDrained · 15/02/2015 21:02

Yes you're spot on saucyjack I don't want to cause her any upset tbh.

OP posts:
SkyWasMadeOfAmethyst · 15/02/2015 21:08

Neither of those conditions can be fixed with medications. If you find the relationship stressful she probably does too. Why don't you lovingly and tactfully keep your distance while she sorts herself out. DBT should massively help with the BPD and I hope she has the resources for that and to learn about her Aspergers.

BeeRayKay · 15/02/2015 21:19

Wow. SO many of these responses remind me why I don't tell many people about my diagnosis.

:-(

I have BPD with aspergers and also dissociative traits.

I'm not a victim, or want some one "to love the pathology" out of me. Wtaf?

Perhaps distance yourself from her, but keep her there. It's not your job to "fix her", and like any relationship you only have to give as much as you want.

candyce83 · 15/02/2015 21:30

Hmm beeraykay...never said a borderline would want someone to love the pathology out of them. I said that because totallydrained wanted to help someone who doesnt really want to be helped.

I said a lot of bpds have victim complexes. That doesnt extend to all so please don't take it as a personal attack as it wasn't. What is true for one borderline the opposite is true for another. Its a spectrum disorder so one size fits all does not apply.

However what i listed is typically borderline traits. Emotional sensitivity is a pretty big one here as is difficulty in close relationships.